Walking Wayward
Unexpected, became the expected road
Unyielding, became her own abode
Leaving behind, she walked ahead
Only to stumble and fall instead
Vienna
Day after day, I pretended to be all right, that I didn’t crave Jason’s care, a shoulder of concern.
I’d sit for hours into the night, in the very darkness that used to scare me, staring into nothing, crying but shedding no tears, cursing without a single word leaving my lips.
The dreams kept coming, more intense, each time taking over my reality and ripping it apart with every breath I took.
Time and again, Jason found me in odd corners of the house, wrapped up in a dream, moaning, screaming, crying.
With every dream that overtook me, Jason retracted.
It wasn’t my anxiety toward the unknown, or my compulsive need to control, that bothered Jason. Neither was it my obsessive nature to plan every detail of my life. He already knew that about me. He’d wanted to be with me, despite that.
It was my silence, my hesitation to talk that hurt his heart.
It was my new persona, the unconscious desires lurking in my dreams that planted the seeds of doubt in his mind, making him distant, making him brood. Making him see me as a stranger.
He cared.
He loved.
He worried.
But he didn’t understand.
How could he when I, myself, couldn’t.
Three weeks later, we drove to my parents at Thousand Oaks to celebrate their thirtieth anniversary, barely managing to push ours past the three-year mark.
As Jason pulled into the brick driveway and turned off the ignition, I couldn’t help but steal a glance.
He’d been quiet for the entire six-hour drive here, and his aloofness bothered me. We were drifting apart, unconsciously fraying the threads that tied us together. We still shared the same life and routine, but underneath the façade of normalcy, the distance was starting to gnaw deeper.
He didn’t seem to care anymore. It was if he was content to let us break. A part of me wanted to get angry at him, but deep down, I knew whatever was happening between us wasn’t his fault.
I was the one to be blamed.
I had changed.
I had failed to keep myself together.
“Vi,” my mom called, walking down the stairs toward my car.
I blinked away my thoughts and focused on the beautiful woman heading toward me. Her lean body and soft, feminine features hid her age very well. At fifty-eight, she was still beautiful, with her light brown hair put up, and the peach of her t-shirt adding to her fair complexion. Her eyes, the color of caramel a shade lighter than mine, shone with joy as she reached me.
My first genuine smile in weeks made its presence known. I stepped out of the car and ran up to her, dropping my purse and hugging her tight. I needed it. The familiar scent of her floral perfume instantly took over my anxiety, calming my nerves and doubts. I half cried and laughed as she hugged me tighter, telling me she’d missed me.
It had been three months since my last visit. Work and life had kept me too busy.
“I missed you, Ma,” I cried, my voice shaky as my guilt seeped in. I’d been a terrible daughter.
“And what about me, Shona? You didn’t miss me?”
I opened my eyes and looked up, my guilt dissipating as I saw my dad.
Standing beside Jason, he smiled at me, his brown eyes teasing. Dressed casually in tan khakis and a white polo t-shirt, my sixty-two-year-old father was a dashing Indian man. With graying curly hair, he looked fit and ready to take on the world.
“Pa.” I untangled myself from my mom and ran up to my dad. I couldn’t contain the joy that filled up my heart. He lifted me up as his arms wrapped around me, and he kissed my hair and hugged me tight.
“I missed you more,” I whispered in his ear.
“Oh, I know.” He winked and gave me a smile. Putting me back on the ground, he gave me a kiss on my forehead. “Let’s go in. Sarah already has lunch set up. So Jason...” My dad diverted his attention back to Jason, continuing the conversation they’d just started as I smiled and walked back to grab my purse.
Finally, after three weeks, the darkness around me started to dissipate.
Hope bloomed like a bright sunny day.
It felt good to be home.
I didn’t dream.
For two days, the madness in my mind quieted, allowing me to breathe, to stop and just be.
Memories of my years growing up here filled my senses, superseding the dreams that had plagued me with constant questions and doubts. The weight on my chest lifted, the cloud of worry dissipated as I basked in the known, relishing the tranquility of my mind. Familiarity cocooned me in a nest of calm, waking me up and spreading a sense of joy. I knew every part of this side of the city; it was my home, the place I felt safe, where I truly belonged.
Early morning jogs with my father, making breakfast after with Mom, skimming through my room, rehashing the years I’d lived and grown up in this very house blanketed me with gentle security. Anxiety faded into a blur as I lived in my yesterday.
Jason relaxed as well, showing me glimpses of his old self, making me hope, making me believe it was all going to be all right.
The normalcy brought back a part of me that had felt tainted by my chaos.
Even the anniversary celebrations had been excellent—just the four of us. Good food, great stories, and pure happiness made the night perfect. At the end of the night, we sat down and cheered for my parents, thirty years together. With champagne flutes and happy thoughts, we celebrated. My parents kissed and thanked us, wishing us the same, thirty years and more together.
I prayed their wishes came true.
It was already Sunday. We’d been at Thousand Oaks for two days, leaving only a few hours before we left for home, back to the world of mounting questions, to uncertainty and doubts.
I stared at Jason, who was sipping his coffee, looking everywhere but me. He felt it too.
We’d been at a café taking a break after the mostly silent two-hour hike Jason had brought me on.
“This café was my favorite place to hang out during high school.” I bit into my sandwich.
“Really?” Jason’s phone rang, interrupting my nostalgia. “Ah, I have to take this. It’s my manager. I’ll be back in a few.”
I nodded and gave him a curt smile, swallowing the piece of sandwich along with my attempt to bridge the gap between us.
Jason walked away from the patio we were sitting on, into a quieter corner, his body language attentive and slightly tense as he answered his call.
My emotions were all over the place, and I couldn’t fight off the nostalgia of the times gone by, nor the guilt that weighed my present.
I missed Jason. We were together but felt miles apart. How could I fix it, get us back to the way we’d been?
The constant battle in my head made me want to scream. It was too overwhelming.
I looked back at my table. The half glass of iced tea became my sole focus, my sandwich my point of control.
In silence, I went about my lunch, drowning out the joyful chatter around me.
This used to be a happy place for me; I’d spent many afternoons here with my long-lost best friend Alex, chatting about our lives and making plans for the future. I used to be a different person then, positive, carefree, so sure of where I stood. Together, me and Alex had been a force to be reckoned with. He and I had shared the most adventurous three years together being best friends. But now, five years later, it all seemed like another life. Somehow, we’d drifted apart. My best friend in the whole wide world had plain disappeared.
After my car accident, I’d retracted into myself, wanting to vanish. Life no longer excited me; the concerned visits and calls from my friends put me in distress. I didn’t want company; I wanted to be left alone. And so they had, and I’d gotten lost in my own mind, never followed up. Alex was the only one who never called to check in on me. And, needing solitude, I didn’t try to reach out either, until suddenly months had passed, and it felt like too much time had gone by.
Lost in my retrospection, I felt someone’s eyes on me, as though they’d been staring at me for some time.
I sipped my iced tea.
I didn’t want to look.
I didn’t want to know.
Whoever was staring could keep doing so.
But curiosity fought my restraint, and I gave in.
No one was looking.
Toward the left, tables were filled with self-involved college students.
Nothing.
Nobody was paying me any attention.
My long exhalation stopped midway as I looked up at the door.
My eyes met a set of familiar blue eyes just as they turned away.
“Hey,” I called. A wave of warmth splashed onto my body as my mind registered the stranger’s identity. Frame after frame of images rushed through my mind. My feet dawdled in growing conclusion as I barely managed to stand up.
The picture became clearer.
He turned, languorously, his posture hesitant, his muscles rippling with the regret of getting caught.
The full head of rich brown hair took its time to turn in my direction, making me antsy, making me still as he looked up.
The images in my head slowed down. They became memories, moments I’d left behind.
“Alex?” What were the odds? His name spilled out of my mouth with a shocked sigh.
He nodded in acknowledgement and gave me a hesitant wave.
I stood still, shocked at the coincidence, barricaded by the rush of conflicting emotions.
I’d just been thinking about him, and now here he was. Was it for real?
I still couldn’t fathom the reality of Alex, my estranged best friend from high-school, standing in front of me. My life had become something unrecognizable these past weeks, and here was a connection to the old Vienna. Not just the me a few weeks ago before the disturbing, provocative dreams had turned my life upside down, but a Vienna who’d existed before the car accident. The woman who didn’t need such tight control.
Was it a sign? But of what?
I couldn’t untwist the knots of my joy and hesitance. I wanted to run and hug him tight, rejoice in our reunion after a long silent disappearance of over five years.
But I couldn’t move. A deep, gut-wrenching despair bound my feet.
I just stood and stared into his blue eyes. Was he really my long lost best friend?
I still couldn’t believe it was him, looking so different yet so same. His handsome face, with his long nose, perfect jaw, and deep blue eyes still looked the same, just more mature. His lean body from tireless runs for cross country in school had filled out, making room for wonderfully strong muscles. His hair, his thick brown mane, was shorter than in high school, but he was still Alex, the friend I’d let go.
“It’s you.” I finally exhaled, laughter leaving my mouth. “Oh my God…” Unexpected tears pooled in my eyes, surprising me, confusing me, yet I was laughing at the same time. What the hell was going on with me lately?
He nodded and stopped, his words falling short as he saw the tears in my eyes.
A heavy dose of guilt, guilt older than this moment rushed into his eyes, tensing his body. His shoulder dropped, and his head bowed in regret. “I’m sorry. I should leave.” He turned and reached for the doorknob.
“Stop,” I yelled, once again surprising myself with the way I was reacting. “How dare you, Alexander Sharp? How dare you?”
His grip halted, and he turned his head and looked at me, shocked.
Our eyes met.
“Who told you you could leave?”
“Vi.” He just stood there, acknowledging me, acknowledging my accusation, accepting it all.
His silence bothered me; it was so unlike him.
Alex, to me, had been anything but silent. He’d always been so animated, so outgoing, so keen for the next adventure. But here he was, laden heavily by some unknown dilemma, eager to get away. I could feel the same hesitation seeping through my bones, but I pushed that worry aside. It shouldn’t matter that we’d both let our friendship go instead of fighting for it. Nothing mattered in this moment but the joy of seeing my best friend after so long.
I took a step toward him.
He fought to stay still.
Tears escaped my eyes as memory after memory of the three years we’d been best friends cascaded over me and washed away my hesitation.
My inhibitions dropped, and I ran up to Alex and hugged him tightly, my heart swelling with the joy of seeing him after so long. It was an impulsive move that made me feel like the old Vienna.
He hesitated for a second before hugging me back with same fervor.
We held onto each other, bridging the gap the years apart had created.
He squeezed me into him, just like old times, and I laughed, forgetting all about my issues and giving into this reunion.
It felt good.
It felt so good to be here, to meet him once again and revisit a part of myself the accident had snatched away. To lose my chaos in his familiar musky scent.
He broke the hug, guiltily stealing glances at me with a hesitant smile.
I shook my head and punched his bicep, hoping to push past his nervous energy. “Where the hell have you been?” I playfully berated him, the joy in my voice sounding alien to my ears. It had been too long since I’d acted so free and it almost felt awkward.
I couldn’t understand his reaction, unless it was because…maybe he’d intentionally stopped being friends with me all those years ago.
I stepped back, waiting, breathing, chewing over the emotions his obvious inner conflict was creating in my body.
I stared into his eyes and smiled.
He returned my smile and shook his head. “I thought you’d never want to talk to me again,” he whispered, avoiding my eyes.
“Ah, so that’s what’s bothering you.” I nodded in realization, the edge of my unease wearing off a little. He felt guilty for losing touch as much as I did.
“Don’t sweat it, A. You know me. I don’t hold grudges. And we both let things go, so I guess we’re even.” I gave him a broad smile. “How about we start again. Friends?” I extended my hand and waited for his reaction.
His stare bored into mine as he hesitantly reached out his hand to shake mine.
It felt like he expected more from me than this easy acceptance.
My thoughts warred; images burned bright and blurred too soon for me to see.
Phantom images of starry skies and dazzling blue waters. A candescent canopy lit with fairy lights, music, and joy.
They kept their mystery, baiting me. I didn’t know what they meant, but the aftertaste of the emotions swirling around these visions was heavily tainted with sorrow that made my chest hurt. From genuine happiness, they turned heartbroken in a heartbeat. They pricked, stabbed, and left an open wound never to heal.
They were nothing but remaining shreds of my mangled mind post-accident.
I focused attention back to Alex, wanting to see his mischievous smile instead of this confused grimace.
“Can I offer you a cup of London fog?” I waited for him to react. “My treat.”
Finally, he laughed, cutting through the building tension. He shook his head, following me as I went to the counter. “You still remember, huh?”
“How could I forget?”
The awkwardness thawed with the first sip of coffee.
Word by word, we fell back in place. Conversations seeped through the gaps and filled in the blanks.
After so long, I felt like myself again, free, unbothered, and living in the moment.
Alex had brought back my smile, and I couldn’t have been happier.
“Wow! I’m so happy to hear that you took over your dad’s company. I can’t believe you’re such a bigshot now.” I nudged him, and he laughed. “Seeing you so well settled makes me wonder what happed to the rest of our group. Did you stay in touch with anyone?”
He shook his head. “No, I didn’t. Other than Cassie, I haven’t been in touch with anyone in a while.”
“How is she? I haven’t talked to her in so long.”
Alex took another sip of his coffee. “I don’t see her that often with my busy schedule, but she works for our company as the director of Human Resources.”
“That’s so good to hear. I should call her and catch up. See if she can set me up with a job.” I winked and finished the last sip of my iced tea. “Maybe I should get a job in your company. That way all three of us can create havoc like we did in high school.” I laughed, waiting for Alex’s reaction.
“Sure thing.” His entire demeanor changed in a second as he fought to keep his smile plastered on his face.
A familiar touch broke off the conversation. “Vi?”
Jason stood over me, his gaze conflicted.
He’d been on the phone for so long—and I’d been so distracted by Alex, I’d almost forgotten Jason was here.
“Hey, Jason.” I stood up, taking his hand and looking at Alex, who stood and extended his hand to Jason.
“I’m Alexander Sharp—Alex. I was Vi’s high school friend.”
“Best friend.” I smiled at Jason. It felt so good to introduce my fiancé to my old best friend.
“Oh.” He turned his gaze from me to Alex, taking his hand and firmly shaking it. “Nice to meet you. I’m Vi’s fiancé.” His smile seemed relaxed and genuine, but his voice faltered as he said fiancé.
My heart almost plummeted, but Alex’s voice brought me back. “Oh wow. Congratulations.” Alex shook his hand. His eyes searched mine for a second, before he looked back at Jason. “I didn’t know Vi was engaged.”
“Oh, I…” My cheeks grew hot. It was so unlike me to not mention Jason when talking about my life.
Alex laughed. “Wow. Vienna Roy is blushing. It’s all good, Vi. Seems we got so busy catching up on old friends and work that we both forgot to tell each other that we’re engaged.”
“What?” I gasped. “You have to be kidding me.” I shook my head and laughed. “Who would’ve thought that Alex Sharp, Mister ‘I-Never-Want-To-Get-Married’ is engaged?”
“Well, time changes you.” The sincerity in his voice made me smile.
“I was just kidding, Alex. Congratulations.” I gave him a quick hug.
“Thanks.” Giving me a soft smile, he continued. “I’d love to sit and chat with you guys, but, unfortunately, I need to head back.” He seemed to be waiting for my reaction as he stood. I didn’t want him to leave yet; we had so much to catch up on.
“Here.” His hesitation returned as he reached into his coat jacket and pulled out a business card. “Call me if you feel like it. And if you ever need anything.” He suddenly looked wary. “I’ll be in Asia for the next six weeks, but after that I’ll be back in Malibu. In the meanwhile, if you need anything, even Cassie’s number, just call my office. Lola, my PA, will take care of everything.” He shook hands with Jason again. “It was nice meeting you. Maybe once I come back, all of us can go on a double date and get to know each other.”
“Sure,” came Jason’s short response as he accepted the handshake.
I stood and gave Alex a hug, putting his business card in my jacket. “I’ll call you. You take care.”
The drive back home erased the ease I’d started to feel seeing Alex.
Jason’s silent contemplation kept me on edge, my instincts telling me something was wrong. But instead of confronting Jason, I chose to stay quiet.
I busied myself around the apartment, hoping to push this feeling of dread aside.
Even when Jason called me into the living room, I chose to silence the warning bells in my head and sat on the red chair, facing him. We were fine.
His eyes met mine as he put his beer bottle down and gave me a sad smile. “Vienna.”
My heart instantly hurt.
Something wasn’t right. “What’s going on?” Worry singed my skin like acid. With every halted breath Jason took, my skin burned, fizzled with great worry.
“I have some news,” he finally said, taking a sip of his beer, avoiding my eyes.
“Okay.” I waited, my palms sweating as he took his time to answer my question.
“I was offered a position in Frankfurt this afternoon.”
“In Germany?” I asked. My mind struggled with the new information, confusion clouding my reaction.
“Yes.” He nodded, his eyes glued to mine.
“For how long?” My breath stopped, waiting for his answer.
He took a sip instead of replying.
Anxiety bubbled within me like heated lava, with every tick of the clock. What was he going to say? What did all this mean? Why was this happening? “How long is this position for, Jason?” I asked again.
“It’s permanent.” His eyes bored into mine, waiting for me to say something he wasn’t expecting, but I knew I’d disappoint him.
I just stared at Jason, my hands turning damp, the anticipation of what came next killing me. “What about me?” I whispered, my voice barely audible. “What about us? What about our wedding?” I looked at him, fighting tears, dreading his answer.
“Move with me. There’s another position in the same office that would be perfect for you.” Jason placed his bottle on the table and grabbed my hands in his, gently caressing mine. “I can talk to my manager and have an interview set up for you. We can both move there. It would be—”
“I can’t,” I blurted, the pressure inside me too much to handle.
“Why not?”
Why not? He knew why I couldn’t up and leave to another continent! “I can’t, it’s too big a jump. I can’t. My entire life is here. I can’t leave my life, my parents, my…” I paced, hoping to burn off my anxiety. My palms were damp and hot, my brain exploding with chaos.
“Vienna, listen to me.”
“No,” I snapped. “You’re changing everything. We’re getting married in five months. We just bought a house. We had a plan, Jason.”
I shivered as I met his eyes, barely managing to hold back the tears that threatened to let loose.
“You had a plan, Vienna, not me. I agreed to it because I wanted to see you happy, but I need more from life. And…” He stood and looked away from me. “I no longer know who you are. You’ve changed.”
Turning around, he looked into my eyes, finally confessing all he’d been holding back for weeks. “I’ve tried to pull you back, to break these changes that are pushing us further apart, but I’ve gotten nothing but failure. Every day I try to forget, but every time, your cries remind me you’ve become somebody else.”
“I—”
“Let me say what I need to say. I’ve been holding onto it for too long, and it’s killing me inside.” He stood and ran his hand through his hair, taking deep breaths. “Ever since that night, something inside you has shifted. I see you fight with it every day. I see you running away from it, avoiding the answers to questions you don’t want to ask. I see you holding on tighter to your control, but the next day, I see you. It hurts me to see you struggle, and it angers me that you won’t share what you feel, that you keep it all bottled in. It makes me feel unwanted.”
I knew where he was headed, and I needed to make him understand that I would control it, fight it, conquer it. The demons of my being. “But—”
“I tried.” He didn’t allow me the liberty of words. He went on, breaking piece after piece of my heart, with his every word. “I tried with all I had. I coaxed you, I threatened you, I even begged you, but you never gave in. You just built your walls higher, worked even harder to control your life.”
“Please. Don’t do this,” I begged.
“I tried, swear to God I did. Even in my silence, I was trying, giving you space, hoping in time you’d share. But you never did.” His eyes filled with the same hurt I was feeling. “I turned down this offer twice before, knowing very well how uprooted you’d feel, how anxious this change would make you. I gave it up to keep you happy. I can’t do it anymore. I’ve given my two weeks’ notice. I’m leaving next month.”