Distressed Dreams
Cut her open to see if she’ll bleed
Uncover these dreams. Oh, she’d plead
Making up in intensity, in words what they lack
Despite the restraints, they drag her back
Vienna
I changed that night.
As we drove back home, navigating through the San Francisco fog, I couldn’t avoid the drastic snap happening in my psyche.
At that moment, I lost control and spiraled into an alternate universe where nothing was as it seemed.
I became an entirely new version of Vienna.
As the silence between Jason and me prevailed, filled only with the sounds of the radio playing, I found myself swaying between my reality and the strange amalgamation of images from the alley that kept pulling me back to a life I’d never known. A life beyond the grip of my reins; a world out of my control.
And that ruined everything.
Without control, I was nothing.
I needed the control. Ever since my accident five years ago, I’d fought for it. I’d never wanted to feel the way I’d felt after the car crash: helpless and completely at the mercy of the unpredictable. Being in control quieted the demons in my head. It gave me a sense of calm, knowing what to expect.
But after tonight, after losing control, I realized—the security it made me feel was a hoax. Control was an illusion, an addictive deception. The demons were still there, lurking in the corners, waiting to pounce the moment I let go.
I pulled the comforter a little closer to my body, leaving nothing but my face exposed. It was cold tonight. I’d been in bed for more than an hour, replaying the day, bothered by Jason’s non-reaction as we’d driven home in silence. Jason slept easily beside me, his soft snoring the only sound filling up our bedroom. He hadn’t reacted. In fact, as soon as we’d reached our little downtown one-bedroom apartment, he’d carefully taken off my coat, given me a brief smile, and walked into the bedroom, telling me to do the same, to call it a night. I’d followed him, too dazed and confused to argue. I just stood there by the door, looking at the bed as Jason turned on the side lamps on our nightstands and stepped into the adjoining bathroom to get ready for bed.
I stood there for an eternity, until Jason told me the bathroom was free and I could change.
I cleaned up in a trance, my thoughts jumping back and forth from the restaurant to the alley, to the living room. Anxiety trickled down my spine as I saw Jason settling in to sleep. It seemed he had no intention of talking.
I stood there by the side of my bed, at a loss, not knowing what to do. I’d never been in such a situation, and I had no idea how to navigate through it.
So I just sat on the side of my bed and stared, taking in Jason as he lay straight on his back with his eyes closed and his body tucked into his comforter.
We were so different.
Our natures, our physicality, even how we reacted to the same situation varied monumentally.
He was happy and calm.
I was contained and careful.
He loved exploring and doing new things.
I stuck to my routine and rarely strayed from what I knew.
Even now, as I sat there, warring with myself between avoiding and apologizing, Jason had decided to put it to rest and let it go.
He’d made peace with what had happened, something I couldn’t do.
I twisted the hem of my nightshirt, tapping my feet as I pushed myself into making a choice. I needed to talk to Jason.
With utmost hesitation, I took a breath and whispered his name.
Slowly, his eyes opened, focusing on me in the soft glow of the lamp.
My eyes teared up. “I don’t know what to say.”
He just looked at me, making me fidget, guilt weighing me down as he took his time, until he sat up and slowly lifted the comforter.
“Stop trying to make things harder,” he finally said, not trying to hide his pain. “Stop overthinking it. Whatever happened, it’s not the end of the world.” He sighed and seemed to be struggling to keep his calm. “Just let it go, for once. I know it’s hard for you to let it go but please try.”
I didn’t buy it. He was upset, but why wasn’t he willing to discuss things? Something wasn’t right.
“Come to bed and call it a night.” He patted my side of the bed in invitation. “It’s late, and I’m kind of tired.”
I nodded, doubt dancing in my mind, as I climbed into the bed. Giving me a curt smile, Jason moved and switched off the light, turning away from me and wishing me goodnight.
I drifted in and out of sleep, swaying in the devious breeze of my doubts.
I fell deeper into slumber, deeper into a world where control didn’t exist.
My dreams turned fluid, blending seamlessly into each other.
A drop of water trickled onto my arm, arousing my senses. Heavy eyelids took their time to open, not wanting to leave the soothing sanctuary of sleep.
My pupils adjusted to the light as focus returned.
Another drop rolled on my hand.
I was outside, in a lush garden.
A lone cloud pirouetted above, readying itself to unfurl showers.
I awoke completely in anticipation; a smile formed as I waited for the raindrops to fall.
One by one, as if hearing my request, the drops teased my skin.
I felt free, weightless.
Worries washed off, questions disappeared, and all that stayed was me and the falling rain.
Embracing the gentle downpour with open arms, I twirled, the grass under my bare feet tickling my soles. Laughter filled my lungs, joy draped my soaking body, as I continued twirling, eyes closed, letting my senses take in the moment.
A bark echoed in the distance.
The cloud boomed.
The downpour gained volume, but the gentleness persisted.
Another bark broke through.
It reminded me of a faraway land, a hazy afternoon of a forgotten yesterday.
Curious, I stopped, opening my eyes and blinking away the raindrops on my eyelashes.
An arched entrance loomed before me, majestic yet understated with its red-bricked pillars and flowering climbers with colorful flowers. It tempted me to come hither. Swiping the soaking strands of my hair away from my face, I took a step forward.
The clouds roared, crashing into one another in warning.
The sunlight started to fade.
The barking became distant yet guided me in its direction.
I took another step, lured by the possibility that awaited.
Thunder rolled, darkness started to seep in. The landscape of greens began to drown in the darkness.
Enrapt, my body shivered, burning with heat instead. Despite the rain, a blazing jolt of sensation coursed through my blood. My breath picked up along with my steps. The rain turned up its assault, but I didn’t care. I kept walking. Something was beckoning me, pulling the strings of my heart to come closer, and I couldn’t stop, despite the warnings of the darkening skies.
The atmosphere crackled with pent-up electricity.
My steps faltered, yet I continued forward. The archway faded as I passed it. The scene became thunderous with loud growls of the clouds filling the dark spaces.
Fear fell with the rain onto my heated body. It raised my excitement, made me hot. I tore off my jacket and moved ahead, picking up my pace, rushing to reach my unknown destination.
Loud moans mingled with the roaring downpour. Fear tried its best to pull me back, but I continued undeterred, undoing the buttons of my dress and dropping its lifeless fabric to be swallowed by the rain. I burned even more, a volcanic eruption coursing through my body as I galloped frantically toward the noises that were fast filling up the tenebrific terrain.
Lightning struck the once lively tree, setting fire to its branches. My heart combusted with tempestuous need, breaking the rhythm of my desperate heart.
Almost naked, dressed in nothing but white lace lingerie, I twirled around in desperation.
Someone was calling out my name—I could hear it, loud and clear. My heartbeats were frantic; my out-of-focus eyes rapidly skimming the surroundings.
“Vienna…come. Come for me.” The deep baritone of this phantom voice called me from the darkness, luring me in.
A pang of terror arrested my steps.
I couldn’t move. I felt conflicted. I was afraid.
A massive bolt of lightning broke free of its shackles. It roared at its freedom, lighting up everything.
A large door peeked out of the darkness. It boasted of the treasure it hid, dared me to open and see. It taunted me, laughed at my fear, at my hesitation.
Anger bubbled like raging lava. I bared my teeth, growling, and pounced at the door. With unyielding force, I pushed it forward, ready to fight, prepared to tackle the unknown.
Instead, I stumbled into a lavish room. Old English furniture accentuated the rich brown walls. Ornate frames with intoxicating landscapes hung proudly.
Lust lingered in bouts, swirling around the room. It flirted with my desires, seducing the passion out of me.
I moaned and swayed in its seduction.
I explored the room, touched every new texture, breathing in every fresh smell.
The fireplace burned away the raindrops on my body, fueling the fire within me. I walked around, reaching the bed, desire fanning my lust. A photo frame beckoned my attention.
A loud boom of thunder shook the windows, raindrops knocking at it in desperation. I walked ahead and slowly, with utmost caution, leaned down to pick up the black photo frame.
My heartbeat became rampant in anticipation. A feeling of dreaded discovery travelled through my blood. My lips parted; my hands shivered. Desperation jumped to the forefront, time slowed down as the image in the picture started to develop like an old film.
But before I could see what secret it held, I gasped, a shatter filled the silent room, and the fire in the fireplace died a sudden death. The room transformed into a black hole, not even a sliver of light left behind. The storm built up outside, making sounds of doom. I lost my vision.
Wondrous sensations rushed through my body as a hand grabbed me and pulled me back.
The inhale of a breath tickled my ears, making me gasp, making me drop the photo frame.
My breasts became heavy as a robust bare chest pressed against my back, burning my skin everywhere he touched.
“Vienna,” he whispered in my ear as he held me captive. The ridges of his abs kissed the curve of my back, the rough edges of his pants scratched my scantily clad ass. Unadulterated lust passed in electric waves from his hard body into my shivering form. He was aggressive, possessing my senses with pompous confidence.
I wriggled in his grasp. I wanted to see him, touch his body, but he wouldn’t let go, hiding in our tight embrace.
“Stay still, Vienna,” he whispered in my ear. “And trust me.”
I melted. I shivered. I rose from the ashes of my sorry soul. I lost and found myself with his words, surrendering to him with effortless acceptance as he nibbled the fragile skin of my exposed neck. He was cavernous, and I found peace in his intensity.
I let go.
I let out a loud moan, leaning back farther, giving him more of me.
His touch ruined me.
I swayed in lust, rubbing my ass into his bulging crotch. The friction of his jeans shot sparks to my sex. I grew wetter in anticipation, in unattended need. I moaned as he ripped apart my bra and slid his hands down my waist, scratching my skin. Ripple after ripple of sparks ignited wherever his well-trimmed nails scratched. My head leaned back farther, seeking his lips on mine. He squeezed me breathless, bridging the last remaining gap between our bodies and captured my lips with his. I cried in pain and pleasure as he bit me hard, a tiny trickle of blood escaping my lower lip right when he ripped the straps of my panties, leaving me completely naked.
He thrust his fingers into me, and I disintegrated into a million minuscule pieces. I was soaking in liquid heat, the surge of sensation too high, too wrong. It obliterated my control, leaving me to burn in his passion. It felt too new, yet it had a flavor of serendipity. His touch took me back to a place of utopia. He was light and darkness wrapped up in one. I wanted to see him.
He flipped me around, and I gasped as his hungry lips fused with mine, his ravishing hands corrupting my core. The air around us shifted, thickened with insatiable need. He was looking into my eyes, I could feel it, but the darkness stole that from me. It draped around me like a body suit, giving no room for light, for revelations. Suddenly, he disappeared, making me gasp. I searched in vain for his touch, but he wasn’t in my arm’s length.
I shrieked as I felt a push. I lost my footing, and I fell.
My screams had no voice as gravity pulled me down, desperately flailing my hands around to latch onto something. Fear spread like cancer into my soul, pulling me into a black hole with a point of no return.
I screamed, and I screamed, but the silence prevailed.
I fell for eternity.
I lost my fight and gave up.
Right then, I crashed into the softest of mattresses. The fear exhaled out in a huff, and I settled in. The darkness lost a little weight, as did my scared soul. I felt warm, content.
Hungry.
“Vienna,” he whispered, leaning into my body.
My hands bunched up the soft sheets on the mattress as I arched up to feel his body on mine. The fire ignited like a hungry inferno; my body pined for his touch. A muscular thigh wedged between my bare legs, spreading them.
I gasped, registering his intent.
I accepted his offer.
He traced the outline of my form with his hands, his mouth salaciously corrupting my skin.
I screamed with lust as he attacked my peaked nipple with his mouth. He bit, and he sucked. He kneaded and pinched my other breast, doubling his assault, doubling the lust building inside me.
Deliciously trapped under his toned body, I surrendered, leaving the worries behind, letting him own me.
His fingers undid my inhibition. They caressed their way toward my sex, plunging into my wet core.
I cried out; the feeling was too intense. I couldn’t take it.
A pang of panic made me struggle under his weight, but he increased his pace, his digits languorously pleasuring me despite my hesitation.
I moaned as the pressure within me built at light speed.
I wanted to call out his name, beg him to end my misery. The pressure mounted, his speed caught fire, and I climbed higher and higher and higher.
I almost fell into ecstasy, but he stopped, right at the pinnacle.
The earth started shaking; I was falling again a split second before I came apart.
I let out a frustrated scream as everything shattered and disintegrated as the quake of my reality shook down my dream before I could find release.