Silent Surrender
In a gaze, he trapped my hollow fight.
In a word, he summarized my secret plight.
Silenced by the truth, I could no longer brag
Accepting my demise, I raised the white flag
Vienna
I expected criticism; I received applause.
I was ready to wither and perish; I rose and flew instead.
It was a day of complete contradiction.
Nothing was what it seemed.
And, despite my complete lack of control over the turn of events, for the first time in years, I didn’t mind the surprise, the shock, the presence of the unexpected. I wrapped up my presentation and fought really hard not to run out of the room, carefully avoiding his gaze, that tsunami of green and blue. They were the biggest contradiction. They pulled me close, trapped me, and asked me questions I didn’t have answers to, and the very next second they shut me out, pushing me away, screaming at me with anger and disgust—a reaction I could relate to but couldn’t understand.
What was the connection we shared? We’d never met, and yet it felt too real, too ancient.
You both know each other.
A faint poke prickled my heart.
That wasn’t possible. We’d never met.
Are you sure? argued my soul.
Yes, I lied.
Then how did he know your last name?
My mind stuttered at the question.
I sat silently as the people around the table whispered amongst themselves, discussing my presentation. They referred to their notes and tried to find flaws, more questions and doubts, while I stood there burning in his presence.
A craving so old, so deep pulsated through my bones, seeking freedom, seeking to break free of the invisible shackles that bound me.
Fragments of a life left behind started to blow apart in my mind, like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, seeking my attention and time to put them all together.
I was overwhelmed. I wasn’t ready.
My head ached and my palms sweated as I clasped and unclasped the projector remote in my hand.
I felt trapped.
My inner turmoil of contradictions was dislodging my balance, confusing me, agitating me, pushing me to the brink of another panic attack.
My mind swirled all over the place, brushing past memories and moments I couldn’t comprehend.
What the hell was happening?
Taking in deep breaths, I fought the pressure of the chaos building within.
I needed an anchor. I was losing ground.
My hands squeezed the remote even tighter as fear wrapped around me. Would I get fired for being unprofessional? Would Mike come under fire for hiring me as well? Such behavior, especially with the company’s head, was unacceptable.
I couldn’t lose my job. The voices around me got louder.
My doubts screamed in my head. I was starting to feel dizzy.
What was happening? In the distance, I heard my name being called out, but I was too trapped in my own destruction to register it.
I couldn’t keep my eyes open, my mouth dried up, and the world started to spin.
Find a focus, look, and hold on.
But I couldn’t hold onto the reality that was fast spiraling out of my control.
My numb hand dropped the remote.
I was going to fall.
I knew I was losing my senses.
But I wouldn’t give up.
I’d try till my last breath.
Vienna, you are stronger than the situation you are in, the very same voice that had been haunting my dreams whispered ever so quietly in my ear. Fight it, reign over it, conquer it and don’t ever let it rule you. Nobody but you has the right to rule your life.
With every word the voice got clearer, making me fight, helping me push through.
Vienna, don’t give in.
My heart recognized the voice in my head.
With the thick timber of his tone and the mixed British-American accent, I should’ve known from the moment I heard his voice for the first time.
Panic built anew within the dying storm as my mind connected the dots.
My breath lost its capacity to fill my lungs.
My hands flew up to grab onto something, and my eyes found their focus.
Green and blue, green and blue, ribbons of green and blue unfurled in front of my eyes before I fell.
They laced around me like water. Deep, calming, yet dangerous.
They absorbed my screams and cushioned my fall.
They kept me afloat, swimming in their waves.
My body became languid.
My heart calmed.
My mind became silent as I fell into the abyss of his eyes.
Nothing mattered anymore; nothing could touch me. I was too far away from all that ailed me.
I was drowning, and I was okay.
Why wouldn’t I be, when I was drowning in the ocean of his being?
A smile caressed my lips as I welcomed the unexpected slumber and gave in to the pull of darkness.