Guilty Gestures
Hiding in the dark, running from the fact
He finally surrendered and made himself a pact.
Guilty of his actions, he chose to pay his dues
Accepting it all, he called on a truce.
Kingston
The entire day passed in a distracted frenzy as I jumped from one meeting to another, her words staying with me, haunting me with guilt and remorse. They sank deep into my soul, forcing me to accept my outburst, and how out of line and uncalled for it was. She didn’t deserve it. And I had to make it right.
Melissa was waiting for me at home after work.
My wonderfully witty and perceptive best friend was also my cousin—and the one person I confided in. She’d been a constant in my life from birth. Born only a few months apart, we’d become inseparable over every summer I’d spent in England with my mother’s family.
Mel knew everything about me, from the measliest details to the biggest turning points in my life, including Vienna and all that had happened between us. So, her reaction today hadn’t shocked me. I’d expected it. She had always rooted for us. Even after knowing how things had ended, she still believed we were meant to be. I, however, didn’t agree.
I stepped out of my car, grabbing my work bag, thoughts of Vienna abusing my sanity. As I walked toward the house I’d designed and built myself, the realization of her being single created sinful havoc in my mind. Maybes flooded in, urging me to reconsider: maybe she was worth another chance.
Maybe underneath it all, she was still the same girl who’d stolen my heart and taught me how to love.
Mel greeted me at the door with a glass of wine. “Take a sip, freshen up, and cook me some chicken risotto. It’s going to be a long, inquisitive night.”
She winked at me as I grabbed the glass and took a sip, dropping my bag on the bench by the door and shaking my head in defeat, knowing very well the interrogation that awaited. “Spare me fifteen minutes, before you chew my head off.”
“You have until I’m done with this glass of wine.” Smirking, she jumped on my comfy couch as I opened the door to the backyard and let Spade and Sasha in, feeling my stress leave me as they slobbered all over me with affection.
I took a quick shower, instantly feeling better as I stepped out of my room in just some shorts, not bothering to put on a shirt as I made it to the kitchen, enjoying the evening cool.
Focusing on a little relaxing time, cooking and catching up with my favorite person, I allowed myself to relax and forget for a bit.
I sipped on my wine as Mel played fetch with my dogs.
Putting on some music, some old evening jazz, I got to cooking, prepping a dry rub for the steaks and getting the salad and the chicken ready for Mel. I made sure I had her favorite chicken risotto going first. Cooking and swimming were two things that always put my mind back in focus and eased my senses.
Mel walked in with Sasha and Spade following her. They went straight to their food bowls and munched the food I’d put in.
“So, how was your day, King?” Mel took off her heels and sat on a barstool by the island, pouring herself another glass of wine.
“Busy. The permits for the Dubai high-rise and the new extension in the Asian market have been strenuous.”
“Alex not helping?” Mel asked matter-of-factly, knowing very well the dynamics between us.
“He was dealing with some issues in Europe. He just flew back a couple of days ago and will be attending the annual meeting.” I chopped some cilantro and put it in the Asian-style salad I’d created. Tonight was a mixture of all different cuisines.
“So, he knows about Vienna working with you?” Mel held my gaze, daring me to avoid her question.
“Yes, he knows. I walked in on them having a conversation in the office lobby last week.” I turned around, struggling to be indifferent.
“You think they kept in touch all these years?” Mel prodded, taking another sip of wine and caressing Sasha’s forehead.
I took a sip of my wine and stirred the risotto, carefully grilling the chicken. “I don’t know, Mel.”
“Come on, Kingston, stop holding it all in and talk to me. I know you’ve been living with this weight in your heart for the past five years. Don’t you think it’s time to bury the hatchet and move on, make amends with Alex?”
I flipped the chicken and turned to face Mel. “You think I don’t want that?” Bitterness filled my tongue as I answered her.
“I know you do, but you’ve allowed Alex to be pissed for too long.”
“It’s not like I haven’t tried, but you know Alex. He can’t let things go, and with all that’s happened, I doubt he ever will.”
“He’s getting married, and I’ve seen him with his girl. They look like they’re in love and happy. He’s moved on.” Mel stood up and walked up to me, munching on the nuts I’d placed on the kitchen bar.
“I think you need to ask him that question, because from what I saw yesterday, I don’t think he’s over Vienna—or at least, the idea of him and Vienna.”
“Why, what did you see?” Mel asked.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” I kept my tone curt, hoping she’d get the message, but she didn’t budge. Mel was as stubborn as Alex and me; it was a trait my mother’s side of the family shared.
“I disagree, Kingston. I know you both, and from where I stand, you both feel differently for Vienna.”
“Doesn’t matter. Vienna is nothing but a story of the past. I’ve moved on, and sooner or later, so will Alex.” I walked up to the deck with my steaks ready to be barbecued.
Mel followed. “When will you stop lying to yourself, King? You will never be over Vienna. She’s it for you. It’s about time you confront what’s truly going on in your mind, and for once, put Alex second.”
I shut the barbecue lid, walked up to Mel, and sat opposite her, stretching my legs on the patio table, enjoying the cool breeze as I stared out at the amazing view of the ocean.
“She wrecked my life. She walked out when I needed her the most, without so much as an explanation or a phone call. Choosing her over my family was the biggest mistake of my life. I’ll never do that again.”
Mell rolled her eyes and sipped her wine. “Don’t be so dramatic. I’m willing to bet she didn’t even know what Alex felt for her. I’m sure she only had feelings for you. Alex was just her best friend.”
“You don’t know her enough to make such assumptions,” I argued, finishing the last sip of my wine and getting up to grab a bottle of beer from the patio fridge. The sun was ready to set in the distance, painting the skies in warm hues.
“I might not know her, but I know you. Grab me one too. I know you’d never fall for a girl who was as vile as what you are making Vienna out to be. I think what you thought of her all those years ago is the truth and not what you think of her today.”
I stared out into the distance. There was a reason I’d chosen this spot for my home. The solitude in which it stood, away from all the other homes at Carbon beach, on a hilltop facing the Pacific, was what I needed at the end of each day to forget everything. The calming sounds of the waves, and the metamorphosis of the skies above, acted as a salve to my butchered heart. But today I couldn’t find that peace. I couldn’t argue with the fact I would never be over Vienna.
Mel, taking my silence as acceptance, continued. “I think you should talk to her, ask her all the questions that have been haunting you all these years and then decide what you want to do. At least get closure.”
I shook my head, sipping my beer. “I want to forget her, Mel. I want to flush her out of my system and move on.”
“You can’t. You still love her.” Mel stared at me as I turned around.
“This is ridiculous. I don’t fucking love her.”
“For once, get past your ego and your vanity and speak the truth.”
I gulped down the entire bottle, managing not to grab another. At this rate, I would soon turn into an alcoholic.
I resisted the urge to concur with her speculations, unwilling to look into her eyes and pour out my fucking heart and soul. But despite my hesitation, I found myself succumbing.
“I’ve been in love before, Mel. I was in love with Amy for over four years. Hell, we were engaged. But then she broke off the engagement and ran the fuck back to France, using her family as an excuse not to marry me.”
She nodded. “I remember. It ripped you apart. You became someone else, untrusting of love, shunning relationships, wanting nothing more than to become this person you weren’t. It took your father’s stroke to get you back on track.”
“Vienna leaving was a million times worse,” I whispered, feeling the same pain I had when she’d first left.
Mel nodded, pain in her eyes. She was the only one who knew the entire story.
“You told me you’d never met anyone like her—that you felt she was made for you.”
I gritted my teeth and crossed my arms over my chest. My heart ached as I remembered. “She made me forget, Mel. Her fiery temper and her naïve heart made me see the world differently. At first, we locked horns, argued and fought, but soon I started to see things differently. I started to break down my walls after Amy, and found myself falling for Vienna. And I didn’t even realize when that happened. One minute we were arguing and disagreeing with each other and the next minute I was kissing her like my life depended on it.
“She undid me, Mel. She barged through my walls and broke every barrier around my heart, rebuilding my faith and my perspective on life. I fell in love, and it surpassed everything I’d ever felt in my life. Nothing mattered but her.”
I leaned on the railing and looked down, recalling the moments I’d built with Vienna.
My heart craved to feel that way again. My soul ached to find that solace again. But I didn’t dare to walk toward those aspirations.
“You still love her. I can feel it in your words. You’re still not over her, and you’ll never be. You’re meant to be, Kingston. Don’t let it go. Please try and untangle this mess. Reach out to her and get the answers to all the questions that have been haunting you.”
“What she broke can’t be mended again.” I turned around and walked to the barbecue grill, flipping the steaks before shutting the lid once more.
“What’s stopping you, King?”
I didn’t say anything as I walked into the kitchen and started plating Mel’s risotto, my steak almost ready. I Grabbed the salad bowl and extra plates and walked to the patio and placed everything on the table, handing Mel her food.
“Thanks. Smells good.” She stayed quiet as she bit into hers, giving me time. “It’s delicious, just like always. I guess you have something to fall back on if all else fails.” She winked and took another bite.
I shook my head.
“So did you guys fuck?” Mel looked at me, mischief brewing in her eyes.
I almost choked on my bite of salad. “For fuck’s sake,” I growled, looking up at the sky, praying to God she would stop with this grilling.
“Ha! You did, didn’t you?”
“I am not talking about this.” I walked to turn off the barbecue, placing a steak on a plate.
“Oh yes, you are. Did you think you were off the hook just because you whined a little with your sob story from years ago?”
“Sob story?” I took my seat and cut my steak, staring at Mel, who seemed oblivious of her jab as she enjoyed her dinner.
“Yes. Sob story. I know it was a big deal, but it was back then. I’m more concerned about your present and what’s going on now. Especially now that Vienna is back in your life and you guys have…” She winked.
I don’t justify her with a response.
“Seems like you and Vienna are so far from done. In fact, it seems like it’s only beginning between the two of you. And this conversation is also far from over. I need to get to the root of this. I’m done seeing my once-upon-a-time, Burberry-model cousin turn into this unfeeling, brooding jerk.”
I choked on my food…and at her remark. “For fuck’s sake, can we forget Burberry already?”
Mel laughed. “If you don’t spill the beans about what’s going on between you and Vienna, I’ll make sure every person in your office gets to see their boss in his underwear, looking lean and mean on an old Vogue cover.”
“You wouldn’t dare.” I pointed my fork at her.
“You know very well that I would, and I will, unless…”
“This is blackmail.”
“Whatever. You know I’ll do it. In fact, let me just grab a few pics off the internet as we speak. It’s kind of a miracle your employees haven’t already discovered what’s out there online…”
I tried to grab her phone, but she turned around and giggled like a school girl.
Even at thirty, married, with a three-year-old child, her mischievous side was still very much intact.
“Aww, look at this, you look so skinny. I can’t believe you were so lanky back then.” She turned her phone around and showed it to me.
I was wearing nothing but pants with the buttons undone. My body, despite being lean and muscular, hadn’t quite filled up at sixteen, and I looked…Fuck. I couldn’t even look at myself without cringing.
“Mel, stop with this.”
“Oh, I will. As soon as you do what you need to do.” She raised her eyebrows and waited for me to respond. “Come on, be quick, or there are a lot more from where this came from. And I’m about the find your undie pic.”
I clenched my jaw and took another bite of my steak, knowing very well Mel didn’t bluff.
“You have exactly three minutes before I send these out to the world.” She turned her phone and showed me an entire page filled with thumbnails of my modelling pictures.
I glared at her. “I’ll get you for this.”
“You can try, but for now, you know what I want.” She rubbed her hands together and sank into the patio sofa, grabbing her plate and taking a few bites of her risotto as I resentfully filled her in on everything that had happened since Vienna’s arrival.
Mel stayed quiet. It was so unlike her. She was only quiet when she was...
“Don’t you dare, Mel. Don’t you dare conspire.”
She shrugged. “You need to apologize to her. And I want donuts from Fredos.”
“What? Now?” I asked, a little wary of her lack of opinion about all I’d shared.
“Yes, please. It’s only fifteen minutes away.”
“Fine,” I responded, exasperated. “Order online while I get changed, but don’t you dare do anything.”
She picked up her phone. “Will do. Ugh.” She tossed her phone back into her purse. “Give me your phone. Mine just died. And grab your charger.”
I unlocked my phone and handed it to her. “Want anything?”
“Get me the chocolate eclairs.”