Grieving Gazes
It hurt to hold on, it hurt to let go
Such an impasse was the worse destiny could sow
The pain it embroidered, pinched straight to the soul
The tear that she shed ripped him whole
Kingston
She lay unconscious in my bed, looking broken and exhausted.
I stood there, feeling the same.
I no longer knew what the truth was. I no longer knew what to believe. It felt wrong to believe this was an act, yet I couldn’t allow myself to fall for her again.
The past two hours had been a whirlwind of unexpected events, ripping through my barriers and pulling out the emotions I’d barely managed to bury. If I let go, that would be the end of me. My restraints were already fraying, my heart making headway in convincing me to forget the past and try again.
She was here for a reason.
Since the doctor had left, I hadn’t been able to walk out of my room. I stood and stared, watching her sleeping. She was completely unaware of the havoc she’d created for me.
My heart broke, seeing her in such a state.
It was unlike the girl I’d loved.
Never had I seen her so shattered and lost.
Every ion of my being wanted to know what had happened to the Vienna I’d known, the one who’d taken me by surprise and captured my wounded heart. The one who’d made me feel, who’d made me fall, who’d—
Shit, I cursed silently at the plight she’d put me in.
She’d ruined me, and no matter what I did, there was no way for me to regain my sanity.
The damage had been too deep.
I forced myself to walk out of my own room, wanting nothing more than to be as far away from her as possible, to wash her scent off my body.
I needed a shower. I needed to feel the scalding water pour over my body to take away my agony and numb me.
Glad for an extra room in my penthouse suite, I walked into the bathroom, undressing entirely as I stepped into the shower. I turned up the temperature as the water washed over my body, welcoming the burn on my skin.
I closed my eyes and stood there.
Time faded away as my breathing slowed, my surroundings ceasing to exist.
Memories and moments poured out of my soul, into the water, calming me, reminding me how different my life used to be.
I missed that life: simple, happy, and filled with moments spent with family.
Today was nothing compared to what I’d lost.
Now I lived in a new hotel room every other week, alone, away from the people who mattered to me most.
Everything I held dear had perished, leaving nothing but a chasm of emptiness within me.
I missed that life.
I missed my family, my father, the bond I used to share with Alex.
I missed that companionship.
I missed being happy.
I missed what I’d had with her. I missed her laughter, her reckless abandon.
My peace shattered at the thought. I increased the water temperature to distract myself. Instead, the hot splatter of water just rehashed my wounds. My heart craved her. In so many years, it had never ceased wanting her. Swims and runs and workouts tired me out, kept me momentarily distracted, but nothing had ever managed to erase her existence from my life.
“King? Ha! Your name might have a king in it, but don’t forget I’m the queen. I’m the one who’ll make this king bow down and surrender. I’m your true match, King. And there’s no way out. I’m amazing, spectacular, and unforgettable, and you’re in trouble for wanting me because I’m addictive and you’re addicted. You’ll never get enough.”
My hand pressed into the tiled wall as her words from so long ago bled through my soul. I still remembered that day. It was the day I’d realized I was in trouble.
It was the day I’d realized I was in love.
It had been one of those days where she’d once again baited me into yet another argument. I’d been taking laps in the pool when she’d stomped up to the edge and started yelling at me for letting my dogs into her room. She adored them but hated the fact that they’d run into her room more than once and ruined her scattered clothes with their muddy feet.
“How dare you, King? How dare you?” She grabbed some stray pebbles from the nearby flower bed and threw them at me.
“What are you yelling at?” I grabbed the edge of the pool and looked up.
“You let your dogs into my room.”
“I didn’t let them in. You forgot to shut your door.”
“Shut up.” She tossed a few more pebbles my way and missed as I ducked into the water and started swimming toward her end of the pool, missing her angry rant.
In the past month of living in the same home with her, I’d come to know how verbal and expressive she was. Her impulse and quick wit, along with her constant babble and opinions on everything, had made sure I knew how she operated. Vienna was pure emotion and passion mixed with impulse and aggression. She didn’t think twice before expressing her opinions. She was fearless and confident in herself, and that very thing intrigued me and attracted me to her. Apart from her unique beauty.
My head broke through the surface of the water as I finished my lap and grabbed onto the wall of the pool at her feet.
I met her heated gaze. Her hands were on her hips, and her entire demeanor was set in the desire to fight. And yet, my heart betrayed me and became hers all over again.
Every time I saw her, everything about her, her sharp hazel eyes, her long angular face, her luscious lips, her petite yet curvy body, her wild hair, her long lean legs—everything enticed me to become more and more hers. Add her personality and her heart, and I stood no chance of being immune to her.
I was falling, and I had no chance of running away.
“Get your ass out of that pool and apologize.”
“Excuse me?” I goaded her.
Her temper turned me on. When she fought, the slight blush on her warm skin made me want to devour her. Her tight body called me as she demanded my attention. I needed to touch her. I needed to show her how she made me feel.
Keeping a neutral expression despite the mischief in my mind, I climbed out of the pool.
Her eyes followed my every move, her gaze unable to hide the emotions, the thoughts that ran through her mind as she saw me rise in front of her.
I knew I turned her on, especially when I was dripping wet in nothing but my swim shorts. She’d let it slip once. And today I was thoroughly prepared to use the sight of my body as a weapon against her.
She looked at me, barely managing to stay on track. “Say sorry,” she challenged.
“For what?” I took a step toward her.
She held her ground, but I caught the slightest gulp in her long neck, and I knew she was right where I wanted her to be.
My closeness was starting to eclipse her anger. My presence was tempting her desires to surface.
“For your dogs ruining my clothes with their messy feet.”
“I will not apologize. It’s your fault.” I held her gaze and my ground.
“It.” She poked me in my chest. “Is.” She poked me again. “Your.” Poke. “Fault!” She challenged me.
I accepted.
I grabbed her hand on the last poke, pulled her into my wet chest, and lifted her off her feet.
“Let me go!”
“Nope.”
I walked toward the wall and caged her against it.
Her heartbeats fluttered. I could see it in her eyes, her bravado faltering.
My nearness was affecting her.
“Say sorry.” She fought against me.
“No.” I pushed in closer to her body.
“Let me go. You’re making me wet.”
I smirked. “That’s the intent.”
“Pervert.” She gasped, trying to push me away.
I pulled her closer instead. “Only for you.”
“Let me go.” She squirmed.
My hands moved up from her hips to her narrow waist. “Never.”
“Kingston, let me go, and apologize.”
“Vienna, I would gladly apologize if I were wrong, but I’m not. It’s you who likes to keep your clothes all over the floor, and it’s you who didn’t shut your door, and it will be you who’ll apologize for poking me. So, go on, say sorry, or…”
Her pupils were dilated. She licked her lips. “Or wha—”
My lips captured hers even before she finished her sentence.
Fire, fury, lust, passion erupted between us. The moment our lips touched, nothing else mattered.
She surrendered. I gave in.
We kissed.
We kissed with the aggression of our argument.
We kissed with the possession of our passion.
All our barriers fractured and freed our emotions, pouring them into this kiss. Our hands fought to touch more, our tongues desperately craved to mate, our lips moved with hunger, our bodies swayed to unite.
I’d never felt this alive in my life. She undid me and made me invincible. With her, everything seemed possible.
We kissed for eternity.
We kissed like there was no tomorrow.
And had my dogs not barked, we would’ve kissed till I was deep inside her, thrusting into her and filling her with my very being.
“King,” she whispered as our kiss ended, gazing into my eyes with a look of sated hunger.
My fingers caressed the softness of her beautiful face as I looked into her eyes and said the cheesiest line possible. “Yes, I’m the king of your heart.”
She laughed and pushed me away.
The memory faded, and reality set in. The hot water no longer soothed my distress. Pain oozed through my heart as the memories faded, and I stepped out of the shower, ready to call it a night.
After changing into my pajamas, I walked toward the kitchen, passing her door without a glimpse, just to prove to myself how little she mattered.
It was a lie, I knew, but it was this very lie, the very line—she doesn’t matter—that had kept me sane all these years.
I grabbed a bottle of water and took a hefty gulp, unbothered by my damp hair, when her scream filled the suite.
A second scream followed, and the bottle in my hand dropped, dread filling my bones as I ran toward her room, barely feeling the glass shard that pierced my bare sole.
The agony in her scream undid me.
She was thrashing in her bed, scratching her neck, trying to tear through her shirt, as her body flailed amidst the covers that trapped her.
I rushed toward her, shocked. What the hell was going on?
“No, let me go. No, this can’t be right. It can’t be. No. Help. Help!”
I came to an abrupt stop, hearing the pain in her voice.
What the fuck was she dreaming about? What was bothering her so much? Was it a nightmare or had something terrible happened to her?
She pulled at her hair. “Stop this. God, I can’t take this. Help. Me.” She shook her head frantically as if trying to push out the nightmare that had captured her senses. “Ma, how could you? Dad, tell me it’s not true.” She grabbed the sheets as her nightmare got more intense.
Every atom of my being felt her pain. I felt her. Her pain was mine. Her turmoil was mine. Her distress was mine. In two steps, I was by her bed. Another scream escaped her right as I reached to grab her.
“Kingston, please make this stop. Help me understand.”
I pulled her body toward me, trying to shake her, trying to wake her. Her distress was ripping my heart apart, and I couldn’t stand to see her in such agony. I had to snap her out of it. “Wake up, Vienna, listen to me. Pay attention. You’re having a nightmare. It’s not real. Focus on my voice and wake up.” I shook her body. My fingers dug into her biceps. “Wake up,” I said with more urgency. “Listen to me, Vienna. Break past the darkness, and come back. What you’re living in isn’t real.”
“Make it stop.” She let go of the sheets and grabbed my bare shoulders. Her nails bit into my skin as she gripped me tighter, sat up, and crashed her body into mine. She hugged me with desperate urgency.
My heart jumped through my rib cage as I felt her in my arms again after so long. She still felt the same. She still fit into me perfectly. She still had the same smell, the same touch.
Wetness poured over my shoulder blades, and I stiffened.
Her body convulsed as she hugged me tighter, her tears becoming frightened sobs.
My arms instinctively wrapped tighter around her, cocooning her in my embrace.
What had happened to my Vienna to change her from a fierce, fearless woman to this terrified shadow of her former self? My emotions, painted in chaos and confusion, took a back seat—my distrust and my anger toward her reformed into concern and possessiveness. My rage turned into care, my hatred bloomed into love.
I wanted to take her in and hide her in my soul.
I gently caressed her hair and tried to calm her. “Vienna, stop crying.”
“Kingston, I…” She sobbed. “I did…” Sob. “Don’t know wh-what to do. I’m scared. Nothing makes sense.” Her body jumped as she hiccupped, and I hugged her even tighter, wanting to take away all her pain, wanting to shield her from all harm. I ran my hands through her curls, trying to soothe her, trying to calm her.
She hugged me tighter, moving her head into the nook of my neck, her lips gently caressing my skin as she took a long inhale, between her sobs and hiccups.
My body heat rose.
She was too close, and her proximity was starting to affect me in the most torturous yet delicious way. My cock twitched. The swell of her breasts as she inhaled and exhaled heavily by my bare chest, her nails biting into my shoulders the same way before she withered in an orgasm… It was torture. It was madness. I shouldn’t have been thinking about sex.
But I couldn’t help it.
It had been too fucking long since I’d felt this way.
“It’s too dark,” she murmured into my neck, sending shivers of desire down my spine as her breath whispered on my neck.
But the light was on.
“It’s like I want to see, but all I see is darkness. Something is missing, and it keeps taunting me, it keeps pushing me in this darkness. I don’t know why.”
I pulled back and looked down at her. She was swaying between consciousness and a nightmare. She used to be strong and determined. “What had happened to you?” I whispered.
“I live in despair, Kingston,” she crooned into me. Her tears had stopped, and she was talking, but she wasn’t in her senses.
Despite my need to stay away, I couldn’t back out. I wanted to know what had happened. I wanted to understand. Maybe her answers would give me closure. Maybe she’d had a reason to leave.
“Look at me,” I ordered.
She defied me, like always.
“No. I don’t want to open my eyes.”
“Why?” I asked, barely avoiding the urge to smell her hair as my head naturally rested on hers.
“Because I just want to stay here, with my eyes closed, inhaling you, breathing you, and feeling safe.”
Her words blasted through the last of my resolve, tempting to me break free and give her everything she sought. I wanted to forget everything too. I wanted to rip her out of her clothes and feel her body on mine. I wanted to remember how it felt kissing her supple lips, sucking her caramel nipples, and thrusting into her tight heat.
But she’d been through too much tonight and wasn’t herself. As much as I wanted her, it wasn’t what she needed right now—not in this in-and-out state she was in. Torn, I broke the gentle caress of her breath on my neck. I needed her to wake up. I needed her to get back to her senses. I needed her to get better. Or else.
I shook her. “Get up and face reality.”
She resisted, trying to nestle into me, but I pushed her away. “I like it in your arms.”
“Not anymore. It’s time to wake up and move past your nightmares. Open your eyes.”
Her eyes slowly focused on mine.
Her drowsiness disappeared as soon as our gazes locked.
She struggled with her consciousness, but she held my gaze.
She looked at me with increasing passion, making it impossible for me to look away.
I stared back, warring with my growing desire, warning her to stay away with a glare.
But she didn’t. She did the exact opposite and leaned in.
Her hands, which were still holding onto my naked shoulders, timidly made their way toward my face.
Stop it. Get the fuck out of here. But I couldn’t move; her gaze held me captive.
Slowly, she touched my face, curiously exploring like it was the first time she’d touched me.
I took a sharp breath. She was undoing me. She had to stop, or I wouldn’t be able to.
“Vienna, stop.” My command was weak.
And she sensed it and ignored it. Her hands became confident. She traced the outline of my jaw, my chin, my cheeks with her fingers.
I tightened my grip on her biceps.
She gasped at my pressure but didn’t stop. She touched my lips, and it was my turn to gasp.
“Vienna,” I whispered.
“Kingston,” she sighed.
“Let go.”
Before I could say another word, her lips touched mine, and the world ended.