Chapter Fifteen

Where are you? I neeeeeeed you! Lisa fired off the text as soon as she had managed to pull over two roads from Wild, Wet and Windy. She hoped calling on Felicity for advice didn’t fall into the category of pushing her friendship too far, too soon, but she was still in a fluster after seeing Nathan again and needed to speak to Felicity. She had been there throughout their relationship as teenagers, from the weak at the knees sightings at school – or, more shockingly, out of school – the stomach-knotting waiting for phone calls, dizzy first dates and the lost-in-love-head-over-heels phase, to the prom where it had all come to its final and regrettably so-very-public conclusion. Lisa had to speak to Felicity or she might burst, especially as she had agreed to go out for a drink with Nathan and had no idea what that might mean.

Jiggle and Sing in the church hall, here ’til half eleven; hope all’s OK. Come and meet Fred.

Lisa read the message twice, she didn’t like the sound of ‘Jiggle and Sing’, but then again it was in the church hall, a place known for over-70s aerobics, the West Sussex watercolour group and town Christmas bazaar. How intimidating could it be?

OK, see you there.

Half an hour later, Lisa was pulling her van into the car park amongst cars ranging from people carriers to a white mini convertible; all of which contained car seats and three of which had very hectic-looking sticker families on their rear windows. Pushing away the thought of the lone stick-lady sticker she could have on her own back window, Lisa went to find her way in.

She could hear singing beyond the double doors and decided mid ‘Five Little Speckled Frogs’ might be a good time to slip in unnoticed. Had she known that, as she opened the doors, eleven women, one man and fifteen children – a mixture of babies and toddlers – would abruptly stop singing and turn to face her from their circle of chairs, she probably would have waited. As it was, her cheeks turned crimson for the second time that day. She introduced herself to the entire group and scurried across the hall towards Flick who was waving to get her attention and laughing at the same time. As ‘Five Little Speckled Frogs’ began again, Lisa watched Felicity singing along in unison with the other adults, each with their little ones on their laps or leaning against them.

With his messy, blond hair, blue eyes and freckles, Fred looked a cutie. While Lisa thought he must have got the strongest of his features from his dad, she could see Felicity in him too. He was a little person, created and loved by her once-best friend and yet she had never met him before. Ignoring the song Lisa leaned across and stroked the dimples on the back of his hand. ‘Hello, I’m Lisa.’ She smiled.

Fred turned his head in towards Felicity’s arm and hid himself.

‘He’s a bit shy of new people,’ Flick explained mid-song.

Lisa sat back. It was funny to think of herself as a new person in connection to anything to do with Flick’s life. But it was true, she was a new person to Fred, and this whole world of babies and groups of people coming together and singing nursery rhymes in the middle of the week was new to her. She didn’t belong. She looked across the circle at a woman who was heavily pregnant. What was I thinking? Realising a baby group was the last place she should be, Lisa decided she should just go and catch up with Felicity later. She felt foolish for flustering over Nathan Baker; she wasn’t a teenager any more! There were bigger issues in life than Nathan Baker and his unnerving good looks. About to make her excuses and leave Lisa was stopped by the lady next to her.

‘We’ll be stopping in a mo, but I’m bursting. You wouldn’t hold her while I pop to the loo, would you? Fred’s not up for sharing Flick today,’ she whispered over the sound of ‘Polly Put the Kettle On’.

Lisa looked at the sleeping baby girl, a slight sense of panic growing in her chest. But before she could say anything, the soft, pink bundle was passed over. Her little, warm head, with a downy covering of dark hair, was placed into the crook of Lisa’s arm. She could see the baby’s eyes wiggle under her closed eyelids and her mouth move almost into a ‘coo’ shape as the outline of her lips whitened. She was gorgeous and smelt perfect. With a reassuring check that her baby was OK and a double check with Flick that she would keep an eye on her, the baby’s mum disappeared off to the toilet.

Lisa sat mesmerised by the baby, and paralysed with fear that she might do something wrong and wake her. More than anything she had to focus on holding back the tears; she could not cry, if she started crying holding the precious little girl, she might not stop, and if she thought too hard about how right she felt in her arms, she might never let her go.

Flick smiled reassuringly, unaware of Lisa’s inner turmoil. With the singing drawing to a close, the group leader asked if there were any birthday boys or girls in the room. Fred, still with his head slightly buried, raised his hand. Felicity smiled and confirmed Fred’s birthday was approaching. It was a welcome distraction. Lisa knew she had to be seen to be singing along to this one, smiling and joining in, belying her true feelings. Felicity was smiling proudly and Fred was daring a little peek out from behind his mummy’s arm.

As the baby’s mum finally returned from the toilet, looking much relieved, she thanked Lisa and took her little girl back. Lisa’s arms felt cold and bereft of her weight in them. Everyone clapped to mark the end of Fred’s birthday song, and the leader announced it was time for drinks and biscuits. Lisa guessed she didn’t mean of the alcoholic variety and thought she might have a strong coffee. Fred clambered down from Felicity’s lap and headed for the bags of toys that were being put out. Excitedly he rummaged through, displacing many a random pre-loved toy on his mission.

‘He’s looking for Thomas. It’s a favourite,’ Flick stated, before turning her attention more fully to Lisa. ‘So what brings you here neeeeeeeding me?’ she mocked.

Lisa felt silly. It all felt insignificant after holding the baby and completely out of place at Jiggle and Sing. ‘Oh nothing, it was just about … a man.’

The lady with the baby who had retaken her place next to Lisa leaned in. ‘Oh please tell us; living vicariously is all we can do these days.’ She laughed, before realising she had completely butted in on the conversation. ‘Oh and I’m Melissa, by the way, married for fourteen months, mother to Bella here, she’s nocturnal,’ she added as if this explained everything.

Unsure how to respond, Lisa smiled and looked at Flick.

‘How about I get the coffees and you can tell us all about it.’ Flick grinned.

‘I’ll help.’ Lisa stood, not sure she wanted to be left alone with Melissa and Bella. If the conversation turned to baby talk she didn’t know what she would say.

As they stood in the queue at the serving counter, awaiting the hot drinks being made by the group leader, who wore all the hats, Fred came speedily past, trailing a pull-along Thomas the Tank Engine behind him. His hand was up at the counter and into the biscuit tub before anyone could question his queue jumping. Sauntering back past all those who had been foolish enough to wait their turn, he gave a smug little grin and bit into his chocolate digestive. At almost two, he clearly had this baby-group business sussed.

‘Melissa’s great – sit down with your biscuit, Fred – we met in the supermarket, when I found her staring at the frozen peas.’

‘What?’ Lisa wondered if she had misheard.

‘It’s a new-mum thing,’ Flick explained.

‘Staring at frozen peas?’

‘No, forgetting what the hell you were actually doing.’ Flick laughed. ‘Anyway, I took her to the café for a drink. We’ve been friends since. She’s a teacher, hubby’s a rugby player, fit as—’

‘Lucky her, so why the vicarious living?’

‘Bella’s nocturnal.’

Lisa wondered why everyone thought this explained things and then she realised what they were referring to. ‘Oh, I see. I haven’t got that type of man trouble.’

‘Lucky you!’

‘No, I mean, I do, but … but I don’t have a man not to have sex with.’

‘Ahem!’

Lisa turned to see she had reached the front of the queue and she was being glared at as if that was a highly inappropriate thing to say in such surroundings. Both Lisa and Felicity looked at each other and laughed. ‘Sorry,’ they announced in unison, causing them to laugh harder. Lisa couldn’t help but think that something about being back together was making them behave like the teenagers they had once been!

After very briefly filling Melissa in about her past with Nathan, Lisa confessed to her and Felicity about her drunken Facebooking, the subsequent messages she had received from him and seeing Nathan unexpectedly that morning, cringing when she got to the part where she told them she had agreed to go out for a drink to ‘catch up’. They hung on every word as she described how he looked and how it felt to be hugged by him while she was inappropriately dressed in a wetsuit.

‘So, you see, Flick, I had to find you, so you could talk some sense into me.’

‘Oh my God, yes; why haven’t you – Fred give that back – gone out with him already?’

‘But … wait, what?’ Lisa wasn’t expecting that. ‘It makes no sense.’

‘You said he wants to catch up—’

‘But—’

‘But nothing, it’s – Fred, Mummy said, “No”.’

Lisa watched as Felicity went to sort out an altercation between Fred and another boy, wondering if her friend ever actually finished a sentence in the presence of her children.

‘Perfect!’ Felicity finally offered, returning to her seat.

‘I’m not sure you could describe what happened between Nathan and I as perfect, Flick, you were there.’ Lisa pushed away an image of Nathan’s shocked and hurt face at their prom.

‘But that was all so long ago. It will be different now.’

Lisa thought about seeing Nathan at Wild, Wet and Windy, his arms around her; it did feel different. But perhaps not in the way Felicity meant.

‘You two used to get on so well. A catch up might be … fun.’ Felicity wiggled her eyebrows.

Melissa paused mid sip of her coffee. ‘Hmm, a grown up “catch up”. It sounds good to me. That’s what Adam and I need.’

Flick leaned round to watch Fred as he set off to get his second biscuit. ‘Seriously, Lisa, you used to be great together. Nathan was your closest friend – after me, of course. But I concede, I never carried your schoolbag for you. I never pinned Wayne Tully up against the wall for swearing at you. I didn’t fill your locker with flowers on Valentine’s Day. And – my personal favourite from the Nathan Baker years – I never got a train to London just to stand in line to get Robbie Williams’ autograph for you when your parents wouldn’t let you go.’ Felicity paused to lift Fred on to her lap before continuing.

‘Look, Lisa, I didn’t see Nathan much after you left. I guess you were what we shared in common and we were both too raw about you going.’

Lisa swallowed down the feeling of guilt she felt as a lump in her throat.

‘But I know he was miserable without you, and despite other girls from school offering to console him, in one way or another, I know he didn’t accept. At worse the way you ended is too much to put aside, but if not, then you could be friends, or more. What have you got to lose?’

My dignity.

‘What’s stopping you?’

How hard it was to get over him the first time and the fear that I never have. The fact being around him might remind me what I once had and all that I let go.

‘What other plans have you got?’ Melissa asked.

‘None!’ Weighing up a night out with Nathan opposed to another evening in with Simon Cowell and co in her mind, Lisa realised there was no contest, even with all of her misgivings. ‘OK, I’ll go, but, seriously, if he does a Dom on me, I’m blaming you!’

‘A what?’ Both Felicity and Melissa’s eyes boggled.