Chapter Twenty-Two
‘My God, Lisa, I was starting to get worried.’ Flick stared at Lisa, only then realising that she had been crying.
Pete came to the door and took Fred, he began to say something, but Felicity placed her hand on his arm. He looked between her and Lisa. ‘I’ll take that as a cue to make myself scarce then, shall I?’ Fred in his arms, he headed to the kitchen. ‘I’ll get him something to eat.’
Felicity mouthed, ‘thank you’ and led Lisa through the hall.
It had been years since Lisa had actually been inside Flick’s mum’s house, and it seemed, since inheriting it, Felicity and her family had made it their own. It was hard to take in how different it looked. The patterned carpet had been replaced by laminate flooring. There was an overflowing basket of shoes at the bottom of the stairs. The coat hooks were smothered in an array of coats in different sizes and colours. The once-bright-yellow walls were beige, and adorned with framed photographs of Flick and her family. It gave a sense of happy, homely chaos.
As they entered the lounge, Felicity pushed the door to, and attempted to keep her voice quiet and even. ‘What on earth happened? Is everything OK? Was Fred OK?’
Lisa began to explain, her heart pounding. She knew Felicity would think she was a terrible friend. She had trusted her with her son for the first time ever and he had ended up falling off the slide. Albeit he had no actual injuries, but Lisa knew that was the result of luck rather than her babysitting abilities. Ben was right, how could she ever look after a child of her own? Sometimes things really do happen for a reason, she could see that now.
Felicity listened. Lisa told her about being in the park, the swearing incident and about Fred insisting on going on the big slide. Lisa repeated over and over that she knew she should never have let him. As Lisa got more and more animated in her explanation, Felicity watched bemused. When Lisa finally got to the part about being left holding Fred’s wellies as he flew off the slide, silence fell between them. Felicity tried to offer a sympathetic smile, and to take it all seriously, but the image of Lisa holding Fred’s Gruffalo wellies and him zooming off the slide made her begin to giggle.
‘Oh, I’m sorry. But when I saw your face, I was just expecting something so much worse than that.’ Felicity bit her lip in an attempt to stop herself from grinning.
Lisa stared in disbelief. ‘It’s not funny!’
‘Oh, Lisa, it is a bit. I know what Fred’s like. I bet he stamped his foot about the slide!’
‘Yes, but I’m the adult. I could have … should have … stopped him.’
‘OK, maybe you should, but he wouldn’t have wanted to listen.’ Flick put her arm round Lisa feeling mean for laughing when she was clearly shaken by it all. ‘He’s baby number four, he’s into everything and thinks he can do everything. He would probably have done the same if I were there. Lisa, really, don’t beat yourself up about it.’
‘But he landed on his back. I took him to see the doctor.’
‘The doctor? What doctor?’ Felicity realised she may not have taken the situation seriously enough.
‘Your doctor, Dr Greene, but he saw the paramedic.’ Lisa had no idea how to throw into the mix that it was Dom and decided to stick to the point in hand.
‘Oh my God! Why did he need a paramedic?’
‘He didn’t, I just wanted him checked over. The paramedic was the only one free. I was worried he was hurt.’
‘And was he? Is he OK? Why didn’t you call?’
‘My bloody phone was dead; I’m sorry. He is OK. I wanted to do the right thing. He had a lump—’
‘A lump?’ Felicity removed her arm. ‘What do you mean he had a lump? Is Fred OK?’ Her words came out more curtly than she intended, the thought of her son actually being injured sinking in.
‘Well, I thought it was—’
‘What?’
‘Something broken, but I was wrong, he wasn’t hurt. It was nothing.’
‘Then what was the lump?’
‘His … well, his—’
‘His what?’
‘His … shoulder blade.’ Lisa felt stupid saying it. ‘The lump I could feel was just Fred’s shoulder blade.’
Felicity took a moment as she processed Lisa’s reply before bursting into more laughter.
‘I’m so stupid; how would I not know that?’
‘Oh, Lisa, you are too funny!’ Felicity managed.
With that Lisa began to cry. Not just a few tears, but big hearty sobs.
Felicity looked on stunned, she put her arm back round her in an attempt to get her to stop, but Lisa cried on – releasing all the tension of the afternoon, and the hurt and frustration that had built up over months. ‘Lisa, it’s OK. I’m sure they see that kind of thing all the time.’
‘But you don’t understand,’ she managed between sobs.
‘What? Tell me.’
‘It’s me. I’m so bad at this, so very bad.’
‘Lisa, I’m sure that’s not true.’
‘But it is … I … I’m a bad pet sitter. Dogs run away from me. I was terrified when you asked me to have Fred. I swore in front of a toddler, I let Fred on the big slide, I thought I’d broken him, I didn’t even realise the lump on his back was his shoulder blade and … and … I couldn’t even take care of my own baby.’
The final part of the sentence coming as a complete shock, Felicity was taken aback; she didn’t know what Lisa meant. She had no idea she’d even had a baby. ‘What baby? Lisa, what baby?’
‘My baby,’ Lisa cried, the words coming out in long sobs that she had held on to for too long.
‘What do you mean? Do you have a baby?’ Felicity rubbed Lisa’s back, trying to understand what she meant and realising how little they knew of each other’s lives over recent years. ‘Tell me, Lisa, what do you mean?’
Lisa could barely compose her voice, her head hurt and her nose ran as she began to speak, unsure where she was finding the words. ‘My baby, the baby I lost; I was eight weeks pregnant.’
Felicity bit her lip, wanting to question everything, but knowing that she had to let Lisa speak.
‘Barely pregnant at all really, I suppose, but I could feel it – my baby. It was there … its heart beat inside me.’
Felicity watched as big tears slipped down Lisa’s cheeks as she attempted to compose herself to speak.
‘I couldn’t talk to Ben about it. But it was part of me.’ Lisa paused and wiped her hands across her sodden face, and ventured a small smile. ‘When I showered or lay in the bath, when I was alone, I’d talk to my little Pip. That’s what I called it; silly, isn’t it?’
‘It’s not silly,’ Felicity whispered, tears rolling down her face as she listened to Lisa speak. She thought about her own babies; they had all had bump names – names she and Pete had chosen together. After he had been born with a mop of red hair Callum had even remained her pumpkin.
‘I’d felt some pains, strong, stabbing pains.’ Lisa held her stomach, remembering how they felt. ‘But I ignored them; I didn’t want to think about what they might mean. I didn’t tell anyone.’ It was the first time Lisa had confessed it out loud, with the words spoken she couldn’t hold back her tears.
Felicity reached over to a box of tissues on the coffee table and passed one to Lisa. Without acknowledging the gesture Lisa took the tissue and wiped her face before taking in a shaky breath and continuing.
‘Then one morning I couldn’t pretend any more. I went to the loo and the tissue was bright red, screaming at me. I called Ben, left a message and went to the hospital. I had to wait for a scan.’
Felicity passed another tissue.
‘They sat me with the heavily pregnant women – their babies strong and thriving inside them while I could feel the blood seeping out of me. When they called me in, I already knew.’
‘Was … Ben with you then?’
Lisa took a breath, attempting to prepare herself to share the next memory.
Flick held her hand.
Megan burst through the door, complaining that Alice was wearing her ballet costume. She looked between Flick and Lisa, not sure whether to continue as she took in the scene.
Lisa hid her face, while Flick urged Megan to go and see her daddy in the kitchen.
Megan paused for a moment.
‘Go on, Daddy will get Alice to take it off,’ Felicity urged.
Megan stared. ‘Why are you sad?’
‘We’re fine; go on, go see Daddy. Later you can tell Lisa about your ballet.’ Felicity knew it was inappropriate, she didn’t even know if being around her children would be too much for Lisa, but Megan didn’t like to see people upset and needed the reassurance.
Megan left the room backwards, not taking her eyes off her mum until she had to.
‘Oh God, Flick, sorry, how was the ballet?’ Lisa realised she hadn’t even asked.
‘Don’t you change the subject on me, Lisa Blake. Please, tell me. Did Ben go with you?’
Lisa swallowed. ‘No. I went alone. I was so scared, Flick.’ Her tears began again.
Flick hugged her a little tighter.
‘At first I couldn’t look at the screen, but the man was so bloody quiet, just clicking a button, staring at the monitor. He wasn’t saying anything. So I looked. There was nothing. Dark emptiness. No heartbeat, no flicker of life. Empty. A dark void where my baby should have been.’
‘Oh, Lisa.’
‘They took blood, saying about checking hormones. But I knew. It was mad. I knew. They must have known. But they carried on talking like it might not be true. Like we needed confirmation of what we’d all seen with our own eyes. My baby was gone!’
‘I’m so, so sorry for your loss, Lisa.’ Flick had to say it, the words felt so inadequate, but she didn’t know any others to convey how desperately sad she felt for her.
‘I should have gone … should have said when the pains started. Maybe it would have been different then.’
‘Oh, Lisa, I’m sure that’s not true. You can’t blame yourself.’
In the days that had followed, as she sat alone in the flat she shared with Ben, Lisa had done nothing but blame herself with the if onlys, the maybes and all the things she thought she should have done differently.
Felicity took a breath and attempted to make her voice steady. ‘At that time there’s so much you have no control over; your little one was probably just not strong enough to make it.’
Little one, Lisa held on to the words. ‘My little one. The doctor said the “embryo” had gone, the midwife said the “foetus” hadn’t been “viable”, and all the while I was screaming and shouting inside. It was my little one, Flick; it was my baby. I lost my baby, not an embryo, not a foetus, but my baby!’
Felicity could see the pent up anger in Lisa’s face as she spat the words.
‘Of course you had, Lisa. Your baby had been inside you the way each of mine grew inside of me. Why should yours be treated differently to mine? They all started out the same.’
Lisa looked at her, fresh tears welling in her eyes. ‘But I will never know what it is to hug my baby, what the future would have been, all the days we should have shared. I never got to see my little Pip’s face, to watch her grow.’
As Lisa sobbed Felicity continued, ‘No, you didn’t, and that isn’t fair and it is so horribly sad … but, Lisa, you must know, while your baby’s heart beat inside you it felt your love; Pip knew your love. You never got to hold your baby in your arms, but Pip felt your love.’ As the words came out Felicity hoped they weren’t the wrong things to say, she didn’t want to make Lisa more upset.
Unable to contain herself Lisa cried, letting her tears flow freely and her sobs come long and hard. The recognition that she had lost her baby and that somebody understood her, condoning the grief she felt and the tears she shed, overwhelmed her. When she lost her baby it had felt like the world had kept turning without even noticing that her world had shattered. Ben had said lots of things to try to pull her out of the deep, dark sadness she had felt, but she knew he didn’t understand the depth of her feelings – how could he, when for him the loss was a release from a future he didn’t want.
Lisa took a shaky breath. ‘We should have split up before. Life in London, it was different to when we were travelling. Ben was different. He changed. I just didn’t see how much, until I was pregnant. And then, when I lost Pip, he was relieved. He hadn’t wanted the baby in the first place. He thought I was a “selfish bitch” for getting pregnant, that we were better off it being just the two of us. He wanted me to talk to the doctor about ways to “get rid of it”. Our baby, Flick, how could he say that? Of course, I refused. And that made him angry.’
Felicity’s gaze met Lisa’s – the pain of the memory was reflected in her face.
‘Did he hit you?’
Lisa bit a little too hard on her lip. Never a hit, arms held too tightly, a grab, a shove – always the threat. ‘No. Ben’s a manipulator and a shouter, and when that doesn’t work, he’s a sulker.’ Lisa shrugged. ‘And look, he got his way. Just like he always does. Even my own body agreed that I was kidding myself, I wasn’t fit to be a mother. Ben was right, I’m not “mummy material”!’
That was the small part she had shared with Winnie. Lisa had never got as far as reiterating the exact anger-fuelled sentence that was branded on her mind; where Ben had spat every word, as he pinned her to the wall – punctuating the sentence with expletives – his hands too tight on her forearms, his breath too hot on her face. She had never shared the details of the loss of the baby with Winnie, or discussed her emotions – the way she had with Felicity – but telling Winnie she and Ben had disagreed about having a baby and that Ben said she wasn’t ‘mummy material’ had set dear, sweet Winnie against him.
Felicity felt anger well inside. ‘Lisa, you know that’s not true, don’t you? You know it wasn’t your fault.’ She didn’t know Ben, but he sounded like a horrible bully. The things he said were inexcusable and cruel.
As Felicity went to speak Pete knocked on the lounge door and opened it just a bit. ‘Look, I don’t know what’s up, but Megan said … well, anyway, I thought you might like these.’
Felicity’s heart swelled at the sight of Pete with two glasses of wine in his hands. It was one of those moments she could feel how much she loved and appreciated him. She wanted to hug him as she watched him place the glasses on the coffee table.
‘Dinner’s nearly done, it’ll be about five minutes. Why don’t you both join us? Fred wants you to.’ Pete offered a small smile.
Flick looked at Lisa, unsure if she was up to sitting down amid their family and eating. How did you follow a conversation like that? There seemed no right way to proceed.
Lisa thought for a moment. She didn’t want to be alone. Being at Flick’s with the noise of Pete and the children in the kitchen, she felt less lonely than she had for a long time. ‘That would be … lovely … thanks.’ She sniffed and wiped her blotchy face.
Felicity leaned over and passed her a glass of wine. ‘Here, get some of this inside you, and then why don’t you pop upstairs and help yourself to whatever you need to get sorted.’
‘Thanks, I’ll try to make myself look human again.’ Lisa’s voice was still shaky and she realised her nose was running and wiped it.
‘Bloody hell, don’t push it; there’s only five minutes before dinner.’
Lisa hit out at Flick.
With red eyes and tear-stained faces, they hugged.
As she went upstairs, avoiding the toys stacked to the side of the first three steps, Lisa looked at the pictures on the wall. Each showed a snapshot of Flick’s life since she had not been a part of it. There were photographs of days out, holidays, the children all so much younger, and Flick and Pete getting married – the two of them looking so young. Flick looked stunning on her wedding day and Pete looked thoroughly besotted with her.
Almost at the top of the stairs, Lisa paused; the pictures that had been too far up the wall for her to notice on her way in stopping her in her tracks. Photographs of Felicity with her mum took her back. I can’t believe you’ve gone, Mrs F! Felicity’s mum had always been kind to Lisa, despite the fact that some of the antics she and Flick got up to must have tested her patience. Lisa remembered how she made the best chips – real ones, made in a deep-fat fryer – while her own mum had insisted oven chips were healthier and less smelly. Real chips and a runny egg, please Mrs F! Lisa could almost taste them.
Spotting a picture of herself with Flick bought a lump to her throat and caused tears to well in her already-stinging eyes. They must have been about sixteen; dressed to impress, arms linked round each other, pulling faces. Lisa remembered Flick’s mum standing behind the camera, trying to take a sensible shot while they were being too silly to comply. The fact that Felicity had kept the picture, had it hanging on her wall along with her family photographs, made a sob escape her. Feeling how grateful she was for Felicity’s friendship she wiped away a tear. Only a true friend can turn sad tears to happy tears.