Chapter Thirty-Two

Felicity leaned over and pushed the car door open. ‘Road trip! Whoop whoop, I’ve got supplies!’

Lisa offered a smile and slid into Felicity’s car. She wished she could share her friend’s enthusiasm for the journey ahead, but she felt sick at the prospect of returning to the flat she had shared with Ben. She didn’t want to face it, but she knew it had to be done. She needed to collect her things, and to walk away from their life together once and for all.

‘Rosy Nose?’ Felicity slid a bag of Rosy Noses towards Lisa.

Her stomach flipped at the sight of the fruity marshmallow and gum snouts. ‘I’m too nervous, but thanks anyway.’

‘I’ve got Globetrotting Percies if you’d rather.’

‘Honestly, I’m fine. I just want this to be over with.’ Lisa organised her rucksack at her feet and put her seatbelt on. True to her word, Felicity had removed the back seats from her car in preparation for Lisa’s belongings. She knew she could have driven herself, but her van needed a service, and if she was honest, she wanted to keep her new and old lives separate. Pulling up in her ‘purrfect pet sitter’ emblazoned van would no doubt evoke comments from Ben. If he was there, she didn’t want to hear his thoughts on her new career or life. Besides, Flick’s seven-seater had easily enough space for the things she wanted to take, and the added bonus of her friend along for company and fortification for her already-waning courage.

Felicity turned from the wheel. ‘I know, sorry. It’s just … well, I knew you’d be feeling like shit so I thought we’d make it about us, instead of … instead of what it is. We never did a road trip together; remember, we used to speak about travelling together?’

Lisa looked at Flick. ‘It would have been great, you know, if you could have come with me … when I left.’

‘I know, but I couldn’t just go and live in another country. You know my mum expected me to get a job, have a career. And, well, I didn’t … but it turned out for the best in the end … If I hadn’t have got pregnant when I did … well, Mum and I had so little time together.’

Lisa touched Felicity’s arm.

‘Anyway,’ Felicity said with a sniff, ‘when you asked if I’d drive you I thought, so—’

‘So why not now?’ Lisa smiled. She knew Felicity was right. This trip didn’t have to be about Ben and the past. It was about moving on, her future and a new beginning. Sharing that with Felicity made it even more significant. She popped a Rosy Nose into her mouth and winced, it really was very sweet for quarter past nine in the morning.

‘That’s more like it: you, me, the open road and Robbie Williams …’ With that Felicity pressed play on Robbie’s greatest hits, waved to Harold Martin, who was on a march down the road, and drove off.

As ‘Let Me Entertain You’ burst from the speakers, Lisa felt her spirits lift. Her mum had hated her listening to Robbie Williams when she was growing up. That disapproval coupled with her teenage-inspired insistence on liking any music her mother didn’t, ensured she had become an avid fan; she and Flick knew all the words.

Having karaoked, and filled their faces with the entire bag of Rosy Noses and a few of Percy’s globetrotting friends for a large part of the journey, both Lisa and Felicity welcomed the sight of the service station. They were in much need of a cup of tea, the toilet and savouries to see them the rest of the way. It was their first opportunity to talk since they had set out and Lisa decided to tell Flick about all that had happened with Dom.

‘So it turns out him being at Houghton wasn’t a coincidence at all. He was checking me out.’

‘It all sounds a bit dodgy!’

‘No, his gran hired me to walk her dog. He didn’t want anyone taking advantage of her so he kind of followed me.’

‘As I said, dodgy!’

‘No, caring.’

‘So you must have made a good impression.’

‘No, terrible as it happens. I lost Jack, that’s the dog, and he found him, or rather Jack found Dom!’

Felicity laughed.

‘It’s bad, isn’t it! I asked him why he didn’t get me sacked. He said that my concern for Jack made it clear I cared. That and the fact he couldn’t resist calling me Rose were good signs.’

Felicity looked at her confused and Lisa decided explaining the whole Titanic link would be a step too far. She gave a shrug as if that had been a completely normal thing to do under the circumstances.

‘OK, I won’t ask. But you must have died when you found out he was your client’s grandson.’

‘It was a bit of a shock. He apologised for not saying before. To be honest, I’m not sure how much of a chance I ever gave him and you know what it’s like when you’ve gone too far with something.’

‘Well, he hid it from you, and that’s not good.’

Lisa swallowed. She still hadn’t discovered what Pete’s secret was and thought about the fact he was hiding something from Flick. What would she make of that? Having got no further with uncovering the reason for Pete’s text, Lisa changed the subject. ‘Anyway, despite the fact Dom knows I lost Jack and that I took Fred to the doctor’s for having a shoulder blade—’

‘How—’

‘He was the paramedic who saw him.’

‘Wait, so Dom the grandson is also the paramedic who saw Fred?’

‘Yes and yes.’

‘And Nathan’s a fireman?’

Lisa felt a pang at hearing Nathan’s name. ‘Yes.’ She sipped her tea.

‘Are you trying to work your way through the cast of “YMCA”?’

Lisa swallowed her tea in a lump. ‘Cheeky bugger, and, as I am sure you know, there was neither a fireman nor a paramedic in the “YMCA” line-up. In fact, I’m pretty sure none of them were my type.’

Felicity laughed as they made their way across the car park back to her car. ‘Seriously though, what about Nathan? What happened there? I kind of always felt you two belonged together.’

Lisa got in the car. ‘I don’t know. It was lovely – really lovely to spend the evening with him. But I think our timing is all wrong, again. We want different things.’ And I can’t just be his friend.

‘Oh, Lisa, I’m sorry I encouraged you to go there.’

‘It’s fine, I had a great night,’ she turned and grinned, ‘a really great night. My God he still does it for me!’

Felicity looked shocked.

Lisa burst out laughing and turned the music back on. ‘Road trip!’ she chanted, clearly not about to give anything else away.

Lisa had convinced herself that Ben would be there. She had spent most of the night wondering what she would say to him, or rather what he might say to her. The fact he wasn’t made the whole thing easier. It really would be just a matter of collecting the boxes he had already parcelled up for her and closing the door on that part of her life.

Walking into the flat that had been her home, Lisa was surprised to feel disconnected from it. Of course, Ben had moved things and removed all the things relating to their relationship, and that made it feel different. But still, she realised, as she came to terms with her lack of emotion, she hadn’t missed it. Not even in those early, lonely months at her mum’s house.

Her boxes were piled at the side of the living room. The flat was furnished when they took it on, so there were only clothes and personal effects to collect. She didn’t want to take anything else: the stereo, pictures, kitchen utensils – the things they had amassed along the way – she didn’t need and had told Ben to keep.

With Lisa and Felicity working together to take things to the car, it didn’t take long until just two boxes remained. Lisa glanced round the room. She looked at the couch. A vision of her and Ben snuggled up together and laughing there came to mind. There had been happy times, she knew there had. She just hadn’t noticed when they started to fade. A glance at the bathroom made her think of the morning she had lost Pip. The pain, the loneliness and the emptiness she felt. She turned to face Felicity. Without saying anything Felicity gave her a hug. It was exactly what Lisa needed.

‘Do you want to leave a note or anything?’

‘No, I’ll just check that I’ve got everything, and then we’ll take these two boxes and get going, shall we?’

‘Sure, whatever you want.’

Lisa began checking around, and went into the bedroom. Opening what used to be her wardrobe she found a box marked ‘Tip’ and looked inside. It contained the collection of artefacts she and Ben had gathered on their travels. Never anything big, back then they didn’t have the money or space in their luggage to keep unnecessary ornaments, but pebbles, shells, postcards, leather and string friendship bracelets they had made each other, beer-bottle tops from drinks they’d shared on special occasions, and coasters from various bars. They were small but significant things, each marking different moments of their life together. Lisa sighed; they were happy then. When it really was just the two of them. It was only as they had returned to England and embarked on settling down that the little things had become less significant to them and Ben had changed. She decided to leave the box where it was. Its placing was probably intended to ensure she saw it and maybe even to hurt her. But, really, it just made her realise how much their relationship had changed since those days.

Felicity called out that she was going to use the bathroom and Lisa took one more look around. As she entered the living room, the sound of the front door opening startled her and, before she could panic, she came face to face with Ben. Lisa felt her colour drain.

‘Ben! I’m sorry. I hoped … I mean, I thought I’d missed you.’

Ben slid his tie down. ‘I was going to stay away. I wanted to stay away. But, as much as I tried, I couldn’t. Being here is against my better judgement, but I knew I had to see you. You see, the more I thought about it the more I thought … well, I thought if I came back, spoke to you face to face, maybe—’

‘I’m not sure we have anything left to say.’

Ben moved closer to her. ‘I know you think that. And I did too, but we were good together, you and I.’

Lisa thought about the box in her wardrobe and the happy times they had shared, when life was an adventure. ‘Yes, we were, once.’

‘And we could be again.’

‘Ben, too much has happened. You’ve changed; I’ve changed. We’re both so different now compared to—’

‘I know, but we can be like that again.’

‘Oh, Ben.’ Lisa sighed.

‘Everything just got a bit messed up there for a bit, with the … you know … the baby. It all got a bit mad.’

‘Mad,’ Lisa echoed thinking how inadequate a word that was for the hardest and saddest time of her life.

‘Yeah, crazy.’ His eyes softened and he tilted his head.

It was a look Lisa had seen many times before. The look that used to win her over – that always came complete with the you-know-I-am-right-and-this-makes-sense smile. She wondered if this time it was sincere. If this might actually be it; was he trying to apologise for his behaviour over Pip? Say it, Ben, say you’re sorry; say losing our baby mattered to you too. She didn’t really need him to say it for her, not now, it was too late for that, but she wanted him to say it for Pip. To show the little life they had made and lost mattered to him too.

‘Yes, you went a bit mental there for a while.’

Lisa physically recoiled from his words.

Felicity had heard enough. She opened the door.

Ben turned in surprise. ‘Who are you?’

‘Felicity,’ she responded flatly, ‘and there’s no doubt who you are, so, Ben, why don’t you make yourself useful and hold that door open while we take the last of those boxes down to the car.’

Ben looked at the force of nature that was Felicity in full flow and back to Lisa. ‘We were just talking. Lisa might not be ready to leave. Isn’t that right, Lisa?’

His words were calm, but Lisa noticed the twitch at the edge of his jaw.

Felicity blustered on. ‘Oh she’s definitely ready to leave.’

Clearly taken aback, Ben continued, ‘Who did you say you were?’

Lisa recognised the tone and the ‘I’m pulling rank’ attitude. He was going into belittling mode. ‘Flick, don’t, it’s not worth it.’

Flick continued regardless, ‘I am Felicity and, as Lisa’s friend, I can tell you there is absolutely no way I am leaving here without her.’ She picked up a box and looked at Lisa. ‘Ready?’

Lisa picked up a box, but Ben blocked their exit.

Felicity’s cheeks blazed. ‘I think you’d better move.’

‘Flick, it’s OK.’

‘Lisa—’

‘It’s OK, I just need to say something.’

Felicity stepped aside. But she wasn’t putting the box down and she wasn’t leaving without Lisa. Whatever Lisa wanted to say she would have to say it in front of her.

‘Ben, when we travelled together we had fun, life was fun and for that I am really grateful to you. And when we got back it was exciting for a while. We got our jobs. We got this place. We had good times.’

‘And we could again—’

‘Don’t interrupt me!’

Felicity had to stifle a giggle at the unexpected force with which Lisa spoke and the shocked look on Ben’s face.

‘But, increasingly, over time, you have become selfish, manipulative and, as much as I hate to say it, an all round nasty bastard. You don’t love me, Ben, I’m not sure you even know who I am any more. And the way you treated me when I told you I was pregnant with our baby, our baby, Ben,’ she reiterated for extra emphasis, ‘was cruel. I can never forgive you for that and I don’t even want to try.’

Ben was taken aback. He stared at Lisa.

‘I don’t love you and I am not staying here with you, Ben. This is it. This is the part where you agree we had good times, but we are certainly over. You open the door, and my friend Felicity and I walk out.’

‘Yes.’ Ben stared dumbfounded.

‘Goodbye, Ben. Come on, Flick.’

Lisa led the way out of the flat.

Neither Lisa nor Felicity breathed until they reached the car and put the boxes down. Felicity wrapped her arms around Lisa.

‘Bloody hell, I’m proud of you!’

‘I’m shaking!’

‘I know, but you did it.’

‘I did, didn’t I?’

‘Yep! And watching was even more satisfying than my thought of kneeing him where it hurts!’