Chapter Nineteen

Lisa went inside the house and threw the takeaway on the side. She didn’t know what to do with herself. What an idiot! She kept picturing it in her head. She couldn’t fathom what had possessed her. On reflection, she didn’t even know why she had done it. Nathan could have just said, ‘No, she’s not my girlfriend.’ What would it have mattered? Why had she presumed he needed saving from public humiliation, where there was truly none to be had? It was the thoughts of the prom that had done it. She felt so stupid. They were not eighteen any more and everything was completely different now. What a fool! She held her phone, pondering texting Felicity, but her hand was shaking too much and she had no idea what to say. How could you explain that level of humiliation in a text?

A ring at the door made her stop staring at the phone. Oh God! Oh no! Tentatively, she went to open it; oh it can’t be! She really wanted to run and hide, but if she was right and it was Nathan, she knew she owed him an explanation – she just wasn’t sure what that explanation was. Taking a steadying breath she opened the door.

With a bemused grin, Nathan smiled at her from the doorstep.

Lisa’s stomach twisted into knots. It was hard enough seeing him before, but now she was staring at him with the memory of that kiss still on her lips. She offered him a weak smile, while she attempted to process what to say.

‘I don’t normally have women throwing themselves at me in the Chinese, but when they leave with free food for two, without so much as in invitation, well, then I draw the line.’

Lisa laughed despite the tension she could feel inside. ‘Nathan, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have … They were just all staring and—’

‘And you thought you’d kiss me!’

Her cheeks reddened. ‘No, I … I wasn’t thinking.’ If only that were true; really she had been thinking way too much of that moment – Nathan’s declaration at their prom – and how this time she found she couldn’t say no.

‘Thinking’s overrated, inhibitive. Sometimes you have to seize the moment, go with your gut … and that’s why I followed you.’ Nathan revealed a bottle of wine he had been holding behind his back.

‘Oh—’

‘So are you going to invite me in?’

Lisa’s mind scrambled as she tried to take in what he had said. Oh God! She didn’t know what to do; part of her wanted to shut the door and hide. What would Flick say? Picturing Flick and Melissa’s faces as she had told them about that hug in Wild, Wet and Windy, and their hopes of living vicariously, she realised she knew exactly what they would say and attempted to push the thoughts out of her mind.

‘Or we could just eat here … on the doorstep,’ Nathan added.

‘Eat …’ Lisa’s mind finally registered what he was there for. ‘The Chinese! Of course.’ Of course, that’s what he’s here for. ‘Sorry!’ It’s the only reason he’s here! Lisa knew she really had to stop letting their past and feelings she thought she had buried long ago fill her head. He had wanted to ‘catch up’, that’s what old ‘friends’ – as he insisted they were – did, and he wanted to eat ‘free food’. None of his actions suggested anything other than that. For goodness’ sake, just let him in!

As she held the door open and he stepped inside, Lisa couldn’t help but notice how much more he filled the doorway than when he had entered her house as a teenager. He had always been tall, but his older, more muscular physique meant his shoulders were broader. Even through his jacket she could see the arc of his biceps, and remembered how it felt to be held in those arms from their encounter in Wild, Wet and Windy. But it was more than the physical changes; he seemed to have a greater presence, a confidence that showed in his demeanour. The boy who had been her first love had grown into a man.

‘The food’s in the kitchen,’ she said, trying to keep the wobble in her voice on an even keel and hoping desperately that he couldn’t hear how loudly her heart was beating.

Once in the kitchen he put the wine on the side and shrugged off his jacket. ‘Corkscrew?’ he asked.

‘I’ll sort it, you take a seat.’ She needed him out of her proximity for a moment so she could refocus and gain control of her mind. Nathan Baker was in her house. After all the time that had passed, he was right there, in her kitchen, the way he had been so many times before. Her thoughts fizzed with the information, her past and her present colliding. A catch up and free food, that’s all it is! She had a vision of them kissing by the kitchen counter, getting intimate in her bedroom, making out in the living room. Letting their teenage hormones get the better of them anywhere her parents could not see them. They had bribed her brother, Luke, to keep quiet about the things he had caught them doing so many times she wondered if they had actually funded his post university travels. It’s all in the past! She blinked, trying to get the images out of her head as she fetched the plates and cutlery. Oh no! Her face flushed as it dawned on her that Nathan was almost certainly having the same flashbacks. A glance over her shoulder and the hint of a grin on his face suggested he was. Attempting not to show that her hands were trembling, Lisa carried the plates, cutlery and food to the table.

Time had altered them both. Taking in the sight of him, more properly now she was less caught off guard, it was clear he was carrying off the casual look a bit too finely, particularly as she still had her work clothes on and her long hair pulled into a messy ponytail. If she had known she would end up spending the evening with him anyway, she would have just stuck to their first arrangement. At least that way she would have showered, got dressed up and done her hair and make-up; she would have been generally more prepared.

‘So how are you really, Lisa?’ he asked, helping himself to chow mien and fried rice from the takeaway tubs she had placed in the middle of the table.

She couldn’t help but look at his hands, distracted by the fine hairs and firm veins that had appeared on them since they had dated; masculine, grown up hands.

Nathan stopped and waited for her answer, forcing her to focus.

‘Oh, umm … good, thanks.’ Lisa knew it was a bit of a lie but Mr Chung had made her look like enough of a hopeless case without her adding details. ‘Well, this looks good.’ She dished herself up some food, welcoming the opportunity for a distraction.

‘I’d heard you were back. I thought you might be avoiding me.’ Nathan smiled.

Lisa raised her eyebrows. So it seemed gossip wasn’t entirely dead in her hometown, though clearly she was more the cause rather than the recipient of it.

‘Then when I got your friend request—’

‘Sorry about that—’

‘Sorry about the friend request?’ Nathan laughed.

‘No, I mean, well, I’m not very good with Facebook.’ Lisa couldn’t tell him she had sent it after the shock of seeing Flick and then consuming too much cooking sherry, and decided to change the subject.

As the two of them chatted, Lisa’s mind wandered, taking in the deeper sound of Nathan’s voice. She noticed his deep-blue eyes that still had the same glint as when they were younger, but now there were creases around his eyes and a furrow on his brow she had never seen before.

She wondered if she would be attracted to him if it weren’t for their past and the palpable chemistry – fuelled by the knowledge of the moments, feelings and emotions they had shared – she could feel reigniting between them. She didn’t know if the fact his presence was making heat spread inside her was genuine or based on memories. Either way it didn’t matter. She was home to attempt to continue healing over her loss and to get over all that had happened with Ben, adding getting involved with Nathan Baker into that mix wouldn’t solve anything; not when he wanted to be friends and she wanted … well, she couldn’t allow herself to think about that. It would just complicate things further.

Listening to herself as she answered Nathan’s questions, Lisa couldn’t help but notice how good she had become at offering politician’s answers about her life, skirting round anything she didn’t want to discuss, deflecting questions and offering answers she thought the person she spoke to might want to hear; no wonder she felt so few people really knew her. She was an expert at not letting them in. She only truly felt herself and spoke her mind with Winnie, and even then she had held back, and omitted details about herself and her reasons for coming home. Talking to Felicity had been good, and easier than she had expected. She tried not to over analyse it, scared that picking it apart might make how right it had felt fall apart.

Nathan poured wine to fill the silence that fell between them. Having started with a flurry of idle chat, they were now each running out of ‘safe’ subjects to bring up. Lisa knew it was because neither of them wanted to accidentally allude to the stomping, great elephant in the room. Not broaching the subject of their past was adding an expectant weight to the atmosphere, smothering their conversation. It was making Lisa feel increasingly awkward. She wondered if she should be the one to bring it up. But what if Nathan didn’t want to talk about it? He was the one who had said they were ‘friends’. Perhaps he preferred to think of their former relationship that way. She didn’t want to bring up hurtful memories. Not knowing what to say had been the main reason she had cancelled on him in the first place.

She looked at him across the table as he drank his wine, his Adam’s apple sliding as he swallowed.

Realising she was watching him, Nathan paused and smiled. ‘Who’d have thought you and I would be back here in your mum’s kitchen.’

Oh no! The visions of the two of them together that she had attempted to push away earlier came flooding back into her mind. Lisa realised she had to say something, she just wasn’t sure what. ‘Look, Nathan—’

‘Nate. Most people call me Nate now.’

‘The thing is Nate …’ Well, that felt completely weird. She didn’t like it. He would always be Nathan to her. His name was etched in her memory as Nathan Baker, the way Flick would always be Felicity Forster, register names, the way you remembered everyone from school.

Nathan filled the silence. ‘The thing is you’re back!’ He smiled warmly. ‘And you can call me Nathan, if you like. I’d forgotten how nice it was to hear you say it.’

Lisa attempted to ignore the little flip she could feel her tummy doing. She needed to gain control of this conversation and her reactions. ‘The thing is, Nate,’ she was trying not to make him, or herself, reminisce. But calling him Nate just didn’t feel right. She couldn’t do it. ‘The thing is, Nathan, it’s been a really long time. Honestly, I looked you up to see how you were. I never meant for … this.’ She gestured to signify the Chinese takeaway, the two of them sitting in her mum’s kitchen and the completely bizarre situation they found themselves in.

‘I know, Lisa. The past is a long time ago. We’re both different people now. I just thought it would be good to see you. You know we were friends once.’

Friends! Again he was calling them friends. They were definitely oh so much more than friends. Lisa attempted to quash the feeling of disappointment she could feel each time he said the word. ‘I just don’t know if it’s a good idea.’ I’m not sure I can be just your friend.

‘Honestly, Lisa, you don’t need to worry. Even though you kissed me, I’m not going to propose to you or anything!’ He laughed.

Lisa wondered if her gasp was audible or in her head, as her cheeks blazed to beacon heat. ‘Of course not.’ He had raised it. The stomping, great elephant in the room was being invited to take a seat at the table! And Nathan was laughing about it. She wasn’t so full of herself that she expected him to still be hurting from her public rejection of his unexpected proposal at their prom, but joking about it seemed a big leap when crying and saying their goodbyes was the last they had said of it.

‘Oh, Nathan, I didn’t think—’

‘Honestly, it’s fine. Hurt like hell for a while, but I know you had your reasons.’

Reasons. She knew she did have her reasons, that she had felt them with conviction at the time, she just wasn’t sure what they were right now. Lisa swallowed in an attempt to encourage her mouth to work properly and to give herself a moment to know what to say. ‘Nathan, I am sorry I hurt you.’ She really was sorry for that. Trying to think clearly and to stop her heart racing she attempted to continue, ‘I just wasn’t—’

Nathan smiled. ‘Lisa, honestly, I am over it. It’s such a long time ago. Imagine, we’d be an old, married couple now, probably a couple of children in tow.’

‘Yes, imagine.’ Lisa’s laugh was too light as she pictured herself with Nathan, a little boy and little girl mirroring each of them. The image seemed perfect in her mind. She swallowed and closed her eyes, as the thought of how much she wanted it was met with the realisation that, a life and a family with Nathan was no longer hers to have.

‘Anyway, I just thought it would be good to catch up,’ he finished, touching her hand for a too-brief moment making her want to reach out and hold on to him.