Chapter Forty

Once her family had finally bustled out of the door, the chalet fell silent and Lisa felt the effects of being alone with Nathan, the fire, the Christmas tree and the perfect backdrop of the mountains. Her mind wandered to the last time they had been alone in front of a log burning fire. She blinked the images away.

‘Nathan, I—’

‘Lisa, before you say anything, can I kiss you?’

‘Kiss me?’ she asked coyly, while warmth spread through her body at the thought.

‘Yes, kiss you.’ Nathan stood and pulled her up next to him. She felt him pressed against her and welcomed the sensation of his lips on hers. He slipped his hands down her back, round her bottom and under her thighs, lifting her on to his hips while never breaking from her mouth. With her legs wrapped round him, Lisa kissed him back with all the emotion she had been holding in since they had spent the night together. She needed him, to feel him close to her. Nathan moved, resting her bottom on the table, freeing his hands to move up and around her back and into her hair. With her balance steadied, she moved her hands inside his jumper, feeling his taut muscles flexing. Lisa’s mind attempted to tell her she needed to speak to him, to ask him why he was there, while her body throbbed all over with wanting him.

Eventually, it was Nathan who breathlessly broke their kiss.

‘I have wanted to do that since I woke to find you had left my bed,’ he whispered, pressing his forehead against hers.

She breathed heavily, missing the contact of his lips. ‘Me too.’

He stepped back. ‘We need to talk.’

Lisa could hear the effect of their kiss in his voice. It made her want him more.

Before they could talk, she insisted on pouring them both a drink. Realising her mum hadn’t opened the wine, she went in search of a corkscrew. Welcoming the opportunity to gather her thoughts, she paced the kitchen, took a few deep breaths and pondered texting Felicity with the words ‘Oh my God, Nathan is here!’ – the only words she could seem to muster, despite the pacing – before finally concluding that attempting to think wasn’t helping and returning to the lounge.

Nathan was standing, looking out of the window. She allowed her eyes to take in the scene. Outside, the clouds hung low on the mountains. She knew they would be casting shadows into the valley. The tallest pines and some craggy rocks, exposed by wind during the night, contrasted against the snow. Inside, Nathan’s silhouette revealed strength and vitality; from his broad shoulders to his muscular legs, he looked entirely at home against the backdrop of the rugged terrain. The fire glowed, while the tree lights sparkled. If she had asked Santa to deliver her up a winter wonderland fantasy for Christmas, this would have been it, but, with the uncertainty in her mind about what Nathan wanted to say, she knew it might all turn out to be an illusion. She coughed making her presence known.

As they sat at the table, the scent of the Christmas tree and heady spices filled the air. Nathan reached over and held her hand. The contact sent tingles through her body. He took a long drink of his wine and looked at her; his eyes looked darker, more serious now.

‘Lisa, I’ve come here to tell you I can’t let you go. Not again.’

She felt a warm flush spread across her neck and supressed the urge to leap up and hug him, aware that he hadn’t finished.

‘Not without telling you how I feel.’

Wait, what does that mean? She forced herself to breathe and to stay focused.

‘I’ve tried to play it cool. “Cool”, God I hate that word. As if I could ever be cool where you are concerned. I’ve tried to be casual, so I didn’t scare you away, but when I saw you in Cin Cin I knew I couldn’t carry on.’

Oh God, Pete’s plan; his bloody stupid plan!

‘The pretence is killing me, Lisa. I can’t stop thinking about you; you are in my thoughts day and night. I don’t know who he is, the man you were with—’

‘Nathan, it’s not what—’

‘And if that’s what you want, to see other people, I’ll just have to accept that and leave you alone because I can’t keep pretending to be cool where you are concerned. I can’t do casual. I can’t do just friends. I was struggling to keep the act up before I saw you with him. After, I knew I couldn’t—’

‘But—’

‘And I know you don’t want commitment, and that a family and settling down isn’t for you.’

But I do want that. She swallowed past a lump in her throat; unable to form the words she wanted to say.

‘That’s why I needed … need to speak to you. I didn’t want to do it by phone or text, and it turns out you’re a difficult person to track down.’

Lisa thought about the times Harold had seen Nathan at her house; the times she had missed him since they had spent the night together. ‘It’s a busy time of year for a pet sitter,’ she responded on autopilot, the words not seeming to belong to the conversation.

Nathan laughed, before returning his gaze to meet hers. ‘Lisa, the thing is, I’ve had adventures, I’ve taken risks and I’ve travelled. All things I know are important to you.’

In the past. It was too sad to bear. They were all important in the past.

‘And, while these days my life is more … settled – my travels, more holidays really – I’d do it all again, if that’s what you want. Because Lisa, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve regretted not saying this to you when we were eighteen, above all – above all those things I said I wanted – I want a life with you.’

Lisa stared at him, unable to speak, wondering if her mind had drifted back to her fantasy and she was imagining his words.

‘I love you, Lisa. I always have.’

Holding back a sob, Lisa responded instinctively, ‘I love you too,’ her words coming out as a whisper. Now she said them aloud the honesty of owning those long put down feelings felt entirely right.

Nathan stood, pulling Lisa in close to him.

She looked into his eyes and said from her heart, ‘And I want a life with you, but, Nathan …’

She felt his body still.

‘I do want all those things you once said you wanted. Commitment, a life together and a family – I want it all, and, if you’ll still have me, I want them with you.’

Nathan looked into her eyes. ‘Really? You do?’

‘I do.’ She laughed and sobbed all at the same time, at the words and how right they felt.

She felt Nathan’s arms around her, and placed her head against his chest as he took a deep steadying breath. Happy tears slid down her cheeks, with the knowledge that it was finally their time. She thought about the family she had sat next to on the aeroplane. The children were mini-adventurers full of tales of skiing, climbing and mountain biking; they were a family embracing life together. The thought that one day she may have a family of her own, that she and Nathan could have that together was almost overwhelming. Lisa looked up into Nathan’s deep blue eyes. Sensation spread to every nerve, as she slid her hand round the back of his neck and drew him closer. Their lips met and she closed her eyes welcoming the depth of his passion-fuelled kiss.

When Lisa eventually leaned back she looked at Nathan, a grin tugging at her lips. ‘You’ve always loved me?’

‘Yes, I always have.’

She smiled.

‘Of course I’ve had girlfriends; it’s been a long time.’ He smiled cheekily.

She giggled. ‘I’m not sure I need to know about those.’

‘But I never loved them, and I never wanted them the way I want you.’

Lisa pulled him closer, stopping him talking with a kiss.