Chapter Nine
Alistair
Hours later, I’m calm again.
Or, actually, a little on edge.
But for far better reasons this time, as I wait for Leah and Maddie to arrive at my apartment.
Sure, it took a couple of hours stalking around the park to let go of that brief interaction with my fucking asshole partner. That, and letting my mind turn to the time I’d spent there the day before. If I’m being honest with myself, I probably went back there hoping to find them again. Remembering what Leah had said about Maddie dragging her back to that sandbox, and thinking maybe…
But I’m glad they weren’t there, too.
They didn’t deserve to see me in that kind of mood - even if I was pretty sure it would have disappeared instantly on seeing them.
But I needed the time to prepare for tonight, too. And at least this way, I’ve worked through how I’m going to deal with Barkley. Which will mostly involve refusing to talk to him about anything outside business, until the tensions have calmed down a little. I get that this is a shock - of course it is - and damn it, his instinctive response to surprises has never been good. That kind of cautious risk-aversion has been good for our business in the past…but this is different. And it doesn’t justify the things he said, or the way he acted.
And until I get a proper apology, things will be cool between us. That’s how we’ve always dealt with these issues.
I run a hand through my hair and sigh, appreciating Meredith’s distinctively different response yet again.
I know the kind of people I associate with are unlikely to be impressed with this development - Barkley might have been right about that, even if he should never have thrown that in my face - but at least they’ll be respectful about it.
And it’s worth it.
I smile as I think of Maddie again, and even after everything that happened today, I still feel that buzz of happiness that I couldn’t contain earlier. Barkley’s reaction can’t come close to dampening how Maddie makes me feel - and I catch myself smiling as I prepare dinner, laughing at some memory of yesterday, or staring into the distance and wondering what tonight will be like. Hoping it will go well.
I glance around the apartment, and let out a small laugh under my breath.
I’ll be honest - when I invited them around for dinner this morning, I think I had an image of every other dinner I’ve ever done here.
An hour or two talking and sipping wine while I show off my skills in the kitchen and build up to a romantic late-evening meal - the wine slowly taking effect while the night sky over Manhattan darkens, lights twinkling on to create the perfect view from my floor-to-ceiling windows.
Leah’s casual suggestion of eating dinner at six pm turned that on its head. I’d somehow forgotten that, of course, four-year-olds don’t eat dinner at eight or nine pm. And also probably wouldn’t appreciate the elaborately prepared, exquisite food I was planning either.
That called for some hurried research, and a trip to buy something a little more suitable. Though my guess of mac n’ cheese is still only that - a guess. But even though I could’ve asked Leah…I wanted to do this myself.
Despite working that much out, when it came to preparing my apartment…my instinct was still to put on some low, classical music and dim the lights to create atmosphere. It was only when I was lighting a couple of candlesticks that I actually thought about what I was doing - and open fire suddenly seemed like a bad idea around a four year old.
So I’d upped the lights again and looked around, forcing myself to look at the place through a kid’s eyes.
The elegantly designed glass-and-metal features that give a sleek, modern finish. The crisp white and black decor that dominates my bachelor pad. The open, spacious feel of the place that my interior designer created through a very minimalist style. And the emphasis on the side of the apartment that looked out over Manhattan.
Everything was the best that money could buy.
But I’d tried to imagine Maddie playing in here…and couldn’t.
For the first time…it seemed boring.
Empty and colorless.
And I wondered what the hell my little girl was going to do when she got here.
Which had spurred the second last-minute trip. This time to a toy store - where I got totally disoriented and lost in all of the different options. I had no idea what she liked. So I bought far too much - games and toys and bean bags - and then regretted my sports car the moment I tried to fit it all in.
I’d never felt more out of my depth in my life.
And now…all I can do is laugh - when I look around my sleek, modern apartment…and see the mad splash of color and boxes and toys set in between my cream leather sofas, on the plush new multicolored rug I bought to make the whole place a little more…comfortable.
I’m not sure it would win any style awards. But maybe I’ll get a few points as a father.
A father…
I’m still thinking about that when the buzzer goes and the camera link displays their smiling faces as Leah tries to point out the camera to Maddie. That creates an almost instant smile on my face, and I press the button to let them in.
“Hey.” I say. “Just take the elevator to the top floor - it’s the apartment at the end of the corridor.”
It’s the only apartment.
But I don’t need to say that - and when I’m face-to-face with Leah, all the nice things I’ve enjoyed over the years…sometimes they seem a little too much.
As it is, I still see Leah’s eyebrows rise pointedly, before she opens the door and they walk in.
Then I have another couple of minutes just waiting for them to make their way up to me, and I look over the apartment again, still surprised at how much I’m looking forward to seeing them again. When they finally knock, I’m at least not standing right next to the door waiting, and I walk over to let them in.
The moment I see Leah, though…wow.
I catch myself before I start staring - at the sleek dress that hugs her figure perfectly before flaring out at the hem, pretty splashes of color decorating the white material, and her gorgeous hair curling around her shoulders. She looks almost like the girl I used to know, except…more. Her figure is a little fuller, her cheeks have a warmer glow to them, and in her eyes…a depth that would have been impossible five years ago.
“Hi.” Maddie interrupts - thank god - and I take a step back to let them walk in.
“Hi Maddie.” I smile down at her.
But as soon as she’s inside the apartment, her attention disappears - instead, she lets out a loud gasp.
“Wow!”
She runs straight over to my favorite part of the apartment - the full length windows that show all of Manhattan, slightly curved with the shape of the building - and leans against the glass, splaying her arms out above her and giggling breathlessly.
“Maddie—” Leah starts, but Maddie interrupts as she turns back to look at her Mom and lets out another excited gasp.
“It’s like I’m falling, Mommy!” Then she stares back below her.
“Well, I guess we can assume she’s not afraid of heights, then.” Leah mutters, and I laugh.
Then I turn my attention back to her, drawn by some force that’s impossible to resist.
“You look beautiful.” I murmur, my eyes moving slowly up and down the body I remember so well.
She flushes - I can see it creep up her neck the way it always used to - and doesn’t quite look at me. But there’s a smile on her lips.
“Yeah, it’s a wonderful dress - Emma let me raid her wardrobe.” She laughs and gives a slight twirl, obviously enjoying the material. “I’m afraid the only decoration on my clothes these days comes in various forms of ‘Maddie was here’.”
“I wasn’t talking about the dress.” I say, giving her a slight smirk and leaning in to tilt her chin towards me. “Though you should clearly get one like it.”
She stills at my touch, and I let my hot eyes rake over her, making my meaning more than obvious before I let us break apart - walking back to the marble island in the middle of my open-plan kitchen and giving her some distance.
“Would you like some wine?” I ask, pouring a glass for myself.
She takes a deep breath before she answers, but when she does there’s an element of steel to her gaze. “Just a little.”
I nod, smiling at her and enjoying the way my blood heats as I meet her eyes - the look I see there promising the kind of challenge I’m always ready to take up.
But then I glance over to Maddie again, and take a deep breath. I’m really going to have to cool things down to keep this evening PG for my daughter.
So I hand Leah the glass of wine and make an effort to remain easy and relaxed, letting her look around until the intense air between us softens again. Then she sees my newest purchases in the middle of the couches and looks back at me with one eyebrow raised.
I just laugh. “I thought the place seemed pretty bare for a kid - didn’t want Maddie to get bored. Looks like she’s found her own entertainment, though.”
I nod towards where Maddie has started running across the room, jumping and then sliding across the polished floor in her socks. Leah winces.
“Be careful!” She calls out.
“It’s so slippery, Mommy. Look!” Maddie giggles and turns around to do it again.
“And this was where you thought we should move into, Alistair?” Leah gives me a look of amused exasperation. “With all the sharp glass, hard metal, corners and edges, huh? Not quite my idea of child friendly.”
I wince at that - another thing I didn’t think of. Still…
“I could change it.” I suggest. “I don’t care about the style—”
“Oh, no.” She shakes her head firmly, but she’s still got that wry smile on her face. “That wasn’t an invitation - and you know it. Like I said before, it’s too early and—”
“I know, I know.” I raise my hands. “You were right - it’s probably too soon for any of that. And I’m sorry I pushed about it. I just wanted—”
“Aehhh!”
We both look up at Maddie’s squeal, and my heart does a strange twist-thump-drop until I see that she’s okay - just diving onto one of the bean bags that were a late addition to the otherwise stylish furnishings.
“Look at all this, Mommy!”
I smile as she looks over at us excitedly, and it just gets wider as we walk over with our wine and Leah mutters to me.
“All this stuff…you’re going to spoil her, Alistair.”
“Isn’t that what I’m supposed to do?” I say with a grin.
“Can I play with these? Please?” Maddie looks up at me with the most adorable hope on her face, and I think my heart melts in its chest.
I bend down and ruffle her hair, smiling. “Of course you can, sweetie.”
She lets out another excited squeal and starts looking through the toys and games.
“Mommy, Mommy…”
“Why don’t you help her open whatever she wants to play with, and I’ll get started on dinner?” I suggest, then look back at Maddie as I remember I meant to ask her about that. “Do you like mac n’ cheese, Maddie?”
She nods, distracted enough that I can’t even tell if she heard the question, but Leah doesn’t object, so I assume it’s fine.
“Do you want some help?” Leah says instead.
“No, you and Maddie enjoy yourselves - I think I can make a simple mac n’ cheese by myself.” I smile
Not that I’ve cooked it before, but if I can make a good duck a l’orange, I should be fine with a simple pasta dish.
She gives me a half-uncertain look, but after a moment Maddie’s excitement sucks her in, and I don’t think either of them notice me head back to the kitchen.
I start dinner, enjoying the vantage point of the open kitchen to watch Maddie and Leah as I work. Mac n’ cheese really isn’t the most skill-intensive meal, and usually the lack of things to chop, stuff, fillet or otherwise play with would bore me - but tonight, it just gives me more time to look over at Leah and Maddie laughing and smiling and exclaiming over whatever game they’re playing.
It’s a strange feeling, cooking dinner while watching my daughter playing with…my mind substitutes wife, but I dismiss it immediately. I can’t deal with the hitch in my chest there. But, my maybe-girlfriend. That’s good enough for me. It feels quaint - almost like the kind of middle-class American lifestyle I’ve never been a part of. If you ignore the apartment, anyway.
Unbidden, I start wondering if this is what a family is supposed to feel like - cooking and playing and laughter.
I wouldn’t know.
My dinners came from the long stream of nannies and housekeepers that lived with me while my father was away on business. And when he was back…our conversations largely revolved around what he expected from me - from my life, my future, everything…even at age four.
I didn’t mind. I was proud to hear about our family - the long history of wealth and status. I was excited to think that I was going to reverse that trend of dwindling wealth - that I was going to be the one who struck rich again, who took our somewhat depleted resources and brought our family back into prominence.
And I did exactly that. My father wasn’t around to see it, in the end, but I achieved his dream - a strong, sustainable business that we can be proud of again. He couldn’t. The best he managed was to be a caretaker for the last of our wealth - to pass onto me - and give me the start I needed. I’m forever grateful for that start, but…sometimes I wonder what else there might have been. What there could have been, if my mother had lived, or if my father had been a little less single-minded.
If I hadn’t been born with money and status.
“I think that’s probably cooked.”
Leah’s voice beside me interrupts that thought and I glance around at her to see her nodding at the oven - then notice the cheese starting to brown a little too much on top.
“Sh—” I cut the curse short as I glance over to where Maddie is still playing. “Sorry.”
I cut off the heat and shake my head, taking another sip of wine as I pull it out to cool on a rack for a few moments.
“What were you thinking about?” She asks, her head tilted with curiosity as I top up her glass.
She only said a little bit earlier, but she doesn’t object to the refill.
“My father.”
It comes out before I realize I’ve decided to tell her.
“Oh.” She looks at me, clearly surprised.
I guess I never really shared much, in the past - it was one of the problems we had, I think. But now, it feels easy to talk about what’s on my mind, and even more surprising - I actually want to share it.
Maybe because I’m older, or because it feels like I’ve known her so much longer now - or…something else.
“My upbringing…was a little unusual.” I say, shrugging. “I was just wondering if this is what it’s like - to have a typical family.”
Leah looks at me for a moment, then glances around at Maddie, and back at where the mac n’ cheese is cooling on the table.
“Me too.” She says quietly, then gives the room another once-over and lightens the mood with a grin. “Maybe without all the glass and stone around here, though.”
I smile back at her, and she calls Maddie to the table as I serve out the mac n’ cheese - adding broccoli and ham on the side and dishing up a smaller portion for Maddie. We carry it all through to the table, and Maddie’s eyes light up as she sits down.
“I love mac n’ cheese!” She bounces on her seat enthusiastically, as if I hadn’t already told her about it.
I grin. “She’s definitely an appreciative kid.”
We have to practically hold her back from diving in before it’s cooled down, and then we don’t get another word out of her for a good ten minutes.
“Yeah, she’s a good one. I’ve been lucky with that - not sure how I would’ve done it otherwise.” Leah says, and I look over at her.
“I’m pretty sure it’s how you raised her, Leah.” I reach over and squeeze her hand briefly, and she gives me another of those uncertain looks before I turn back to my meal.
“It’s good, Alistair.” Leah says, just as I’m thinking the same thing - much to my surprise.
It’s not the sort of food I usually eat at all - too heavy, and…well…cheap for me, most of the time.
“It is, actually. Not quite what I was expecting.”
Leah stares at me. “You haven’t had mac n’ cheese before?”
I shrug. “I’ve probably tried it once or twice, but, well…”
“You’re usually eating fillet steak and lobster and caviar, right?” She says, caught halfway between teasing and something else.
“Something like that.” I grin. “But maybe kids have better taste than I thought.”
“I guess you don’t usually spend your Friday evenings like this, either - I do hope we’re not intruding on your high-flying night life, here.”
I smile, but she’s got that look where I can’t quite tell if she’s serious or not, or if something is bothering her.
“I’m usually still at the office.” I say easily, and she snorts.
“Of course.” Now she does smile, teasing and impish in a way that makes her eyes shine. “Will they be battering down the door in outrage sometime soon, then?”
“One advantage of being the boss - skipping out as early as I like, when the situation calls for it.” I smile at her, but it fades a moment later as I remember the circumstances I left under today.
I look over at Maddie again, and can feel the memory of that anger in my blood before I shake it off again.
“What’s wrong?” Leah asks, becoming serious as she picks up on my change in mood.
“Nothing.” I say automatically. She shouldn’t have to deal with that crap. “It was just a hard day, that’s all.”
She nods, and her expression turns sympathetic - but before she says anything else, Maddie gives a big sigh and pushes her plate away.
“I’m full.” She announces, and I look over to see cheese sauce all over her face - and all the greens still on her plate.
I stifle a laugh as Leah takes on an outraged expression and begins arguing with her about the importance of vegetables. After a long debate, Maddie agrees to eat them if they’re cut up small enough and hidden in more mac n’ cheese - I’m not sure what happened to full, but I think it disappeared somewhere when dessert came into play.
I’m still thinking about how these negotiations seem to be an entire skillset in themselves, and wondering whether I should start trying to employ mothers to broker deals, when Leah interrupts.
“You could’ve backed me up there.” She mutters.
“Hmm?”
“With the broccoli. Getting that child to eat vegetables is nigh-on impossible at the moment.”
“You seemed to be doing a good job - I’m not sure I quite have the expertise in that area, Leah.”
“Well, you’re going to have to learn.” She grumbles it, but I can see the way she’s looking at me, and my heart flips over at the sentiment.
I want to learn all the parts of this being a Dad thing. And if she’s starting to expect it…I try to quell the hope that flares at that thought.
“Yes, Ma’am.” I murmur back, and her cheeks redden.
She takes another sip of wine, and I’m good enough to pretend it’s just because of that.
We manage to get through dessert without any arguments - what a surprise - and then Maddie looks up eagerly.
“Can I go back and play?” She looks over to Leah. “We don’t have to go yet…do we?”
Leah glances at her watch and hesitates.
“You can stay a little while longer, I’m sure.” I say gently. “I mean, I bet you haven’t even opened all those toys yet.”
Leah sends me a mock-scowl. “We’re not staying until we’ve done that, Alistair, or we won’t ever leave.”
“Oh, really?” I say, smirking with pure innocence, I’m sure. “Well, we wouldn’t want that…”
It gets a laugh out of her - interrupted by Maddie clearly getting impatient.
“Mommy?”
Leah looks over at her and sighs. “Okay, okay. Just until I’ve helped Alistair clear up. And don’t forget to say thank you for the meal, baby girl.”
“Thank you!” She says with the same enthusiasm she sat down with, then bounces out of her chair to where she was playing before.
“You don’t have to help.” I say. “It seriously isn’t any work - go, play with her.”
“Why don’t you?” Leah suggests instead. “You haven’t had much time with her tonight, and you did do…all this…for us.”
She gestures vaguely to the food and the apartment, and my desire to take care of Leah battles with the desire to spend time with Maddie.
“I’ll feel more comfortable if I help.” Leah says, with an honesty that surprises me - and also makes my decision for me.
“Okay.” I finally agree. “But if you need anything, let me know.”
She smiles and nods, and I get up to play with my daughter. It’s a bizarre, surreal experience - this whole thing - but it’s going better than I’d hoped, and I just want to keep it up.
I crouch next to Maddie and ask her what she’s playing, listening as she explains how she’s using the blocks and Duplo to build a home for the soft toy horse because it got hurt in a race. After a few moments, I’m fully involved in the game with her, and we start to build what quickly becomes a home for all the soft toy animals I bought - and there were a lot of them - and I don’t even notice the time passing until Leah comes back to watch.
“Mommy, look! We made a house.” Maddie says proudly - and I find myself looking up with no small amount of pride too.
Maybe not for building a house out of blocks and Duplo - but for my little girl. And being here to help as she makes whatever she thinks of.
Leah admires the house, and all the individual spaces Maddie has made for different animals - and then starts joining in, asking if Maddie is sure she wants to put the cat right next to the mouse, and getting acting out a chasing scene to Maddie’s squeals of ‘they’re friends, they’re friends!’. I find a dog, and join in the play fight, which ends up with most of the soft toy animals all over Maddie and her wriggling and laughing.
I look up and catch Leah’s gaze as we’re both wrestling Maddie to the ground, and the look of pure joy I see in her eyes only makes me even more certain how much I want this.
I have no idea how much time passes like that, but evidently Leah is a little more aware, and after we’ve extracted more giggles and squeals than I think a little girl could possibly have, she glances at her watch again.
“Okay, baby, I really think it’s time to go now. It’s already late, and we don’t want to be traveling back when you’re sleepy, Maddie - you’ve been playing all evening, I’m sure you’re getting tired…”
“I’m not! I’m not tired!” Maddie objects. “I want to play some more. He has so many toys.”
Leah rolls her eyes at me, but I can’t help laughing.
I take that as success.
“Why do you have so many toys?” Maddie suddenly asks me, looking up with wide-eyed wonder. “Do you play with them?”
I laugh again, and tickle her some more as I wonder what on earth I’m going to say.
“They’re for all the children that come and play here.”
“Oh.” She says, thinking about this for a minute. “How many children?”
I grin and poke her nose. “Well, so far…one. But I’m sure I could find some more.”
“What about Tommy?” Maddie’s head swivels towards Leah, her eyes lighting up. “I want Tommy to come and play.”
I raise an eyebrow at that, and my heart thumps in my chest for a brief moment.
“Who’s Tommy?” I ask Leah.
I’m sure it’s nothing…
“A friend. A friend of Maddie’s from back home.” Her eyes go distant for a moment. “He’s her age and his mother and I help each other out.”
It’s nothing. God-damn it.
And this reaction is completely stupid. I haven’t seen Leah for five years - I’m sure in that time she’s met other guys. It doesn’t even bother me that much - she’s not with them now - but Maddie…if some other guy has been playing like this with my little girl…fuck. The jealousy washes over me before I can stop it, and I have to take a deep breath.
“Please can we play some more. Pleeease.” Maddie is asking, clinging onto her Mom while I’m fighting with myself.
Leah sighs, and I cock my head at her.
“You can stay over here if you want, Leah.” I say, trying to make the offer as mild as possible. “Just if it’s helpful for the night - there’s a spare room and it’s no bother for me.”
She gives me a mocking glance, and I let the grin slip out - we both know full well that it would be no bother for me.
But she looks back over the toys I bought, and the mess we’ve made with Maddie, and after a few moments the corners of her mouth curve up.
“Okay. We can stay, Maddie. But you should thank Alistair—”
“Thank you Mommy!” She flings her arms around Leah and squeals again, and I briefly wonder whether my eardrums are going to survive this discovery I have a daughter.
Then she turns back to me and looks down, almost shyly. “Thank you, Alistair.”
I want a hug, too.
It’s a stupid thought - she’s four, she doesn’t know better, and she’s only just met me. I shouldn’t feel jealous of Leah. But a few minutes ago we were cuddling and wrestling on the ground, and now we’ve gone…formal. It feels like a step back.
I smile anyway, and nod.
“You’re welcome, Maddie.”
Then she’s bouncing off to look at another pile of boxes that we haven’t touched yet, and I wonder yet again what I actually bought.
“Just one night. And just if we need it, okay?” Leah says, and I shift my attention away from Maddie with difficulty.
“Whatever you need.” I say with a smile, and I mean it.
A night. Two. A week. Forever.
All good with me.
Ideally the latter.
“I should let Emma know.” Her face gets the strangest puckered expression at that, and it makes me wonder just what she thinks her friend will say - and hope it means what I think it does.
“I’ll look after Maddie - the spare room I mentioned is just down the hall, if you wanted privacy.”
I didn’t think she would, but to my surprise she nods and walks over to where I indicated.
Okay, definitely going to be that sort of conversation then.
I turn back to my giggling little girl, and something else occurs to me.
She didn’t hesitate to leave Maddie with me, even though it’s only been a day since I met her for the first time. That makes me feel better about not getting a hug.
Things with Maddie will take time, that’s natural, but with Leah…that’s the hard part. And that…that is going a whole lot better than expected.
One day. Two meets. An overnight stay. And a private conversation.
I smile slowly.
* * *
“Okay. Our sleepy little monster is finally in bed.”
I look up as Leah walks back into the kitchen, giving me a relaxed smile.
Our little monster.
That’s all it takes for a matching smile to decorate my face, and I slide her glass of wine over to the other seat at the island. She looks as gorgeous as she did earlier - maybe even more so, with her hair slightly messed up and wild, and the obvious buzz from the evening lighting her eyes. I can’t take my gaze off her - and I don’t even try.
“Mm, I’m not sure I should.”
It takes me a moment to work out she’s talking about the wine, and not the other, more unspoken invitations.
“Maddie’s asleep.” I say softly - and not just because I don’t want to wake her. “You’ve spent all day entertaining her - a bit of down time is a good thing, you know.”
She gives me a wry smile, but shifts onto the high seat opposite me and takes the glass of wine. I try to keep my mind off everything I’d like right now, and safely on how much I’ve enjoyed this evening.
True to form, Leah had been right - and about half an hour after I’d offered to let them stay, Maddie was too tired to continue playing any longer. That didn’t stop her objecting to going to bed, but Leah has obviously had similar conversations for years, and after a little back-and-forth, at least managed to drag Maddie into the room I’ve given them.
Ostensibly so that I could tidy away the toys - but looking at them scattered there, Maddie’s half-built structures and soft toy animals, I couldn’t bring myself to do that. So instead I went back to the wine, and waited for Leah.
“Isn’t that what most Moms do?” I ask. “Get the kids off to bed, and then unwind with a glass of wine?”
“You know different Moms than I do.” She laughs. “And I’ve already had a glass. Or two.”
“Hm.” I consider my own glass - and the second bottle I opened just now. “Is parenting under the influence a bad thing?”
“God, I hope not.” Leah laughs, then stifles it, glancing back towards the room down the hall. “And thank god she’s a good sleeper, when you finally get her down.”
I smile gently.
“Thanks for this, Alistair.” Leah says, after another sip. “Letting us stay over and all. But…”
“You’re not going to make it a habit?” I say, pre-empting her comment.
She smiles at that, and shrugs. “Yeah.”
“I get it.” I say. “And I’m trying very hard not to expect anything here - but you can’t stop me hoping, hmm?”
She meets my gaze, and I feel the same spark I’ve never quite managed to let go. From the way her pupils dilate, and her breath catches just slightly - I know it’s not just me.
“I know.” She murmurs, and for once she doesn’t even seem interested in trying to correct me, or tell me why we can’t do anything more. She glances up, almost shyly, and shrugs. “It’s been a really good evening.”
“It’s been a really good few days.” I say, smiling. “I’m glad you came tonight.”
She shoots me another look, wine making her more playful. “Well how could I refuse, when you practically stalked me to deliver the invitation?”
I laugh at that, shaking my head. “I was waiting for you to mention that. But a stalker? Really?”
“Well at least you knew I would.” Her smile turns wry. “Still know me pretty well, I guess. And yes - stalker. How did you find me, anyway? Follow me home? Hire a private investigator?”
I raise an eyebrow at that. “Nothing so elaborate.”
“Mhm.”
“You mentioned where you were staying.” I say, gesturing vaguely.
“I did not.” She frowns.
“Auntie Emma’s. And I think I remembered you mentioning an Emma from your course, years ago. I just had to look her up for the address, that’s all. No stalking or money involved.”
Her gaze narrows at me. “What if I’d meant a different Emma?”
“Then I imagine I would’ve confused your poor old college friend, and when I didn’t get a reply, I’d probably have tried the far less impressive option of sending you an apology by text. That, or try sending flowers to everyone named Emma in the city.”
That makes her burst out laughing, before she quickly covers her mouth.
“That would have been some effort.”
“It’s why I need an army of PAs.”
“Oh, so really - I would’ve got flowers from Meredith?”
“Well…it’s the thought that counts, isn’t it? And the ones you got were from me, so…”
She rolls her eyes at me, but she’s smiling, and I watch her lean back with a sigh, relaxing into the chair.
“God, I haven’t had an evening like this since…” She cuts herself off, looks briefly to me and then away. “Well, for a very long time.”
“We should fix that, you know.” I say, my voice softening. “You deserve evenings like this.”
“Maybe.” She gives me a sigh, taking another sip of her wine and rolling her shoulders, and then after a moment fixes me with a serious look. “This isn’t what I’m expecting, though.”
On instinct, I stand up and move around to behind where she’s sitting. She looks up at me, confused - but before she can say anything my hands are on her shoulders, and I’m kneading the same area she’s been working at the whole evening.
The ‘ooh’ that escapes almost immediately tells me that I’m doing the right thing, and as I rub slowly, I can’t help but admire the way my large hands look against her delicate shoulders. Sometimes I wonder how someone who looks so much slighter - smaller and more fragile - can have so much strength.
How that can create a child - shelter and protect it for nine months - until it’s pushed out into the world and then…then the hard work starts. Raising and protecting a kid, alone and with no support…I can barely believe what a good job she’s done with Maddie, if even half of what I suspect is true.
“You’re so tense.” I murmur.
I can feel the knots and tension in her body, and as my fingers work at them, I get a small jolt of satisfaction from each moan and sigh. And I try very hard not to think about how similar that sounds to other moans I’ve heard from her, before. The way she throws her head back against the sheets. The way my name sounds in that deep, throaty voice when she’s…
Blood shoots straight to my cock, and I shift as I feel myself growing hard, determined to keep my mind away from that. At least for the moment. I just want to give her the chance to relax - to forget about everything, and take some time for herself. She’s had four years of raising my kid, the least I can give her is that.
When she finally starts relaxing in my hands, her eyes half-closing, I remember our conversation.
“What do you expect, Leah?” I ask gently.
Her eyes flick open, before drifting closed again.
“What?”
“You said you didn’t expect evenings like this…with me…so what do you expect from me, Leah?”
She takes a deep breath, and I can feel it rising through her - where I’m standing, I can see her chest expanding, my eyes tracing the outline of the beautiful curves there and my cock starting to throb against my pants.
Suit pants really aren’t made for this. Another reason to invest in some jeans…soon.
“I…I’m hoping you’ll be good for Maddie. That she could finally have a father, too, and we can…we can work out a way to raise her together.” She nods as she finishes it, her eyes fully open now - and I can see the vulnerability there.
I’ve always admired her for being able to open herself like that - to say what she wants, at the risk of hearing that it’s not going to happen.
“Me too.” I say, my voice still soft, but the desire that’s been building all night seeping into it anyway. “Is that…what you want, Leah? All you want?”
She bites her lip, and my hands still on her shoulders as her neck twists around to look at me. My hand moves, cupping her chin and tilting her head towards me - while the other drifts lower, my fingertips gliding under the top of the dress.
“Alistair…” She breathes, her eyes wide and her pulse racing in her throat.
“You don’t…want…anything more, between us?” I ask, my eyes burning into hers as I bend down towards her.
And then my lips meet hers.
Finally.
Her mouth makes a surprised ‘O’, and then she’s pressing right back against me - opening almost instantly as I feel her excited, scared breath. It brushes past my face, before my tongue is pressing against her sweet, soft lips - sparing no time to enjoy them, to tease or play or nibble. No - this is fast, insistent, needy, like I’ve been waiting years for this moment.
Five years, maybe.
I’m as breathless as she is, my hand firming around the back of her head as our tongues tangle together in one desperate embrace. Her lips soft against me as they yield to mine, hard as she kisses me back with the same passion I’ve been trying so hard to control since the moment she walked back into my office. Only now - I’m not controlling it anymore. Neither of us are.
I groan against her, and hear the answering hitch of her breath - the way her breasts rise up so my fingers are almost splayed against them, the heat and energy in our kiss overpowering every other possible sensation and sending pulses of lust through my whole body.
It’s the kind of bliss I’d forgotten even existed. I don’t remember her being so responsive - her heartbeat so wild, or her eyes so full of lust and need. I didn’t remember how soft and warm and totally inviting she is.
I thought I did, but…god.
Then her hand comes up, a staying force on my bicep as she pulls back - her eyes wide with something other than lust.
“Alistair…we can’t.”
It’s a desperate whisper, but it pierces inside me as if it was made of steel.
Endless need washes over me and it takes a good, long moment until I’ve got myself under control again. Or, at least, I’m able to do something other than kiss and touch and take.
“Why not?” It rumbles out of me, my voice deep with lust, even as I know the answer.
The same thing she’s been telling me this whole time.
I can feel it resonate inside me even as she says it.
“Maddie.”
It’s still a whisper, still a desperate plea.
“Leah…I want you both.”
The grip of my hand on her head softens, gentles, until I’m stroking her hair. Looking at the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on - seeing the raw need in her expression, and knowing it’s probably reflected in mine.
She bites her lip, gives a single shake of her head.
“We can’t, Alistair. If it doesn’t work…”
“What if it does?” I ask instead.
I’m done with being told it’s not going to work - and I can see her eyes glittering. The hope there - and the desolation.
“It didn’t before—”
“It’s different now.”
I can see it in her eyes as she watches me - the doubt. The fear. Almost hidden behind the dark lust that still pulses in my veins - but not quite.
And fuck it all to hell, I understand it.
I close my eyes, and with effort, take a step back.
I can still see her against the blackness of my vision - and when I open them again, it’s worse. Everything I’ve wanted for so long…right there in front of me.
I want to take her. I want to throw her against the kitchen island and ravish every part of her - my mouth and hands and body everywhere over her as we writhe together and I make her scream. I want to do all the things I would have done five years ago.
But I don’t.
Not this time.
She’s the mother of my child, and I have too much respect for her - for what she wants, and what she says - to do that. The time we could use desire to overpower our - or hell, let’s be honest, her - good sense…that’s gone. This time, if we’re going to do this - it has to work. I can’t appear in Maddie’s life, only to cause stress and tension between us all.
“Okay.” I finally say. “You’re right.”
I feel her relax almost immediately - even as simultaneous disappointment flashes across her face.
I’m not done, though.
I lean forwards and thread my hand through her hair, brushing it back from her face as I tilt her head up to mine. So close, we could kiss. Her breath draws in, and I feel more than see the flicker of confusion there.
“We won’t dive back into this, Leah.” I promise her. “We won’t risk crashing like we did before.”
I can feel her reaching up towards me, arching at my touch, and I know the desire that courses through me is mirrored in that soft, supple body. It’s all I can do to keep these scant few inches of distance between us. And just that is taking every ounce of self control I have.
“No…” She breathes, and I have no idea whether she’s agreeing with me, or objecting.
It doesn’t matter.
“But things are different now - we’re different. And there’s Maddie too…” I murmur. “Everything has changed, Leah.”
A hint of a frown crosses her face - the beginning of lines across her forehead that I just want to kiss away.
“You don’t know that, I get it.” I say, before she can voice what she’s thinking. “Just let me show you, Leah. Let me show you for as long as you need, until you can feel it the way I do. Until you know - without a doubt - that this will be different.”
I lean forward and kiss her forehead - the lines there straightening under my touch as I’d pictured just a moment ago. And then I withdraw - give her the space I know she needs. There will be a time, later, to give her the closeness I know she needs. I’m counting on it.
When I look back at her, her head is tilted - and even though there’s still that spark of joint desire in her eyes, there’s something else there too. Something far more important, right now. A look of real consideration.
Exactly what I’ve been hoping for this whole time.
She takes a deep breath and another sip of her wine - her gaze not leaving me for a moment.
“Okay.”
It’s spoken softly, that word - that agreement - but I can feel the same steel that underlies all of her decisions there.
I don’t even try to hide the grin that lights up my face - and it’s all I can do not to sweep in, wrap both hands around her head and kiss her like I want to. Kiss her in joy and celebration and hope - and never let go.
I settle for downing my wine, and nodding.
“Okay.” I agree, the smile still playing at my lips.
There will be time for everything else, later.