Chapter One
Leah
“Leah—what the—” Emma glances down at Maddie beside me and catches herself before the curse slips out. “What are you doing here?!”
“Hi, Emma. I really need a favor.”
I’m standing on her doorstep with Maddie, hoping this one shot will work out.
She glances back over her shoulder, then frowns, looking uncomfortable.
“Umm, it’s really not—it’s not a good time right now—”
“Please, Emma.” I try not to sound as desperate as I feel. “I don’t have anywhere else to go.”
I don’t know anyone else in NYC anymore, and I barely had the cash to get here.
“Well, it’s just—” She glances behind her again, just as I hear a man’s voice from further inside.
“Emma? Who is it?” The deep baritone sounds oddly familiar, and I frown as my little girl tugs on my hand, obviously starting to get fidgety.
Emma blushes then looks back towards me, and I feel suddenly awkward.
Shit, I’m interrupting her date.
“I’m sorry—”
“No, no, it’s fine—”
We both talk at the same time, then the man in question finally walks out to join us.
And I just stare for a moment.
Dylan?! My douchey, cheating ex from college?
He seems to have the same shocked look on his face, but he recovers first.
“Leah? Wow…fuck, you completely disappeared, girl. I haven’t seen you in—fuck…”
“Hey! Not in front of Madison!” Emma hisses at him, and he blinks again, before looking down to where my little girl is staring up at him with wide eyes.
That startles him into a slightly choked-off laugh.
“Oh, well I was going to ask what you’d been up to, but I guess…”
“Dylan. Could you please check the pasta?” Emma interrupts deliberately, giving him a look.
“Right, okay. Well, yes. Okay then.” He looks between us again, gives me a limp wave and walks back down the hall.
I meet Emma’s gaze, too surprised to say anything for a moment.
“I’m sorry—I didn’t want you to have to see, well…” Emma shrugs a little.
“No…no, it’s okay. I don’t mind - I haven’t thought about Dylan in years. I just didn’t realize you guys—but honestly, it’s fine Emma. You’re more than welcome to him.” I smile at her, shaking my head.
I just thought you had slightly better taste than that…
Though it’s not like I’m in a position to judge. Alone, with only a few failed relationships behind me - and a kid to raise.
But Emma’s eyes widen, and her hand comes up to her mouth as she tries to cover a small, stuttering laugh, shaking her head vehemently.
“Oh god, you thought—?” She glances behind her again, and gives another half-laugh, then steps outside and pulls the door closed behind her. “No, definitely not. I am not dating Dylan, Leah. After seeing the way he treated you, and all that shit he pulled in college? Fuu—for sure, no.”
“So you’re just casually having dinner on a Monday night as…friends?” I ask, teasing. “Which I know I’m interrupting, too, though I feel a little better now that I know it’s only Dylan’s plans I’m spoiling.”
“I’ve missed you, hun. And little Maddie.” She grins at me, then pulls me into a quick hug that leaves me smiling as well. “And ugh no, not friends…not exactly.”
I’m surprised at the little burst of relief I feel.
Friends might have been even worse. If they were dating I could probably forgive her for some uncontrollable burst of hormones, but actually wanting to be around him as a person?
“So…?”
Is she going to make me drag this out of her tooth-and-nail?
She gives an almost shy smile, which is quickly overtaken by the spark in her eyes.
“It’s just that we’re thinking of going into business together, that’s all.”
I blink for a moment, and then a kind of giddy excitement overtakes me.
“That’s all?!” I say. “Oh god, Em, really? You’re actually doing it?”
Her grin expands to envelop her whole face and she nods, dancing slightly on her toes as she barely contains the sort of energy I know I’d be feeling if I was in her place right now.
“We’ve been talking about it for the last few months and I think it’s actually going to happen, Leah. My own physiotherapy clinic…well, ours, I guess.” She laughs a little at the end and I crush her to me in another hug.
I know what a dream this is for her.
Yeah, because it used to be your dream too.
I push away the strange, sudden sense of loss as I remember all those evenings we spent staying up together, talking about the future and what we’d have one day…thinking that maybe when we were qualified, we could set something up together…partners—
“Mommy!” Maddie tugs at my top, her face scrunching up a little and reminding me that I’ve got a different dream now.
I smile down at her, ruffling her hair before I pick her up to carry her on my side. Maddie hates being left out, and she’s been stood patiently for longer than I can usually expect.
“Emma is going to start a…a shop…where people who are hurt can go to get better. She’s going to help people, sweetie. Isn’t that exciting?” I smile down at her, and she looks back and forwards between us both.
“Like…like a doctor? Like when we play?” She asks me.
“Yes, a little like that, baby girl.” I say. “Isn’t that amazing?”
“I want to be a doctor!” Maddie says excitedly, bouncing in my arms and reminding me just how heavy she’s starting to become.
I laugh and poke her nose. “Well, maybe you will be.”
She giggles, and my heart does something strange inside my chest.
Maybe she’s only four, and it seems like she wants to be something different every week at the moment, but these are the sort of dreams that I want her to have. That I want to make possible for her. That’s why I’m here.
I look back at Emma, the fragile decision that I’d made yesterday becoming a little more solid in my mind.
“Well, I’m hoping it’ll work out, anyway.” Emma adds. “There are still a few details, and Dylan…”
Her brow wrinkles a little at his name, and I give her a brief look.
“I’m not sure he would’ve been my…first choice.” I say, slightly hesitant.
If she can make this happen, then I’m definitely not going to question her choices to get it started. Especially since I know there was a time I would’ve been her first choice. But…I just don’t want to see her get hurt. And I have an uncomfortable idea what he’s like.
What he was like. That was years ago. It could all be fine now.
Emma shrugs. “Yeah, I know. But he’s got the money to get us started, and that’s the hard part, Leah. It’s a better chance than I could’ve hoped for.”
I nod, smiling and reaching out to squeeze her arm, still trying to balance Maddie. “I’m sure it’ll work out, Em. I’m so happy for you.”
Her brief concern dissolves into a grin again, and I look back at the closed door, remembering why I’m here yet again.
“So, if we disappear while you’re having your business meeting for the evening, d’you think we could stay for a little? Please? I just really need—”
“Don’t be stupid, Leah. Come in, have dinner with us - and you know you’re always welcome. Maybe just because I want to see the cute little girl you have there, but you can tag along with her, I’m sure.” She winks at Maddie, who blinks up at my friend, and then glances over her shoulder with a shrug, turning more serious. “I just…didn’t want you to have to see Dylan. But, I guess you know about that now, so…”
“I really don’t care. Seriously, Leah. He was never a big deal. I wasn’t even heartbroken when I found out what he’d been up to - it just pissed me off and stung my pride a little. And it was long time ago.”
No, heartbreak was another relationship entirely…
“Okay then, it’s sorted. We’re having pasta - is that still your favorite, Maddie?”
Maddie nods enthusiastically. “I’m hungry!”
Emma laughs, and reaches out to tickle her, earning a chorus of giggles and enough squirming that I have to set her down again.
“We should probably head back in. Dylan is going to wonder what the hell happened to us.”
I nod, but hang onto my friend’s arm, pulling her in again for another hug - a proper one this time.
“Thank you, Em. Seriously. You’ve no idea how much I appreciate it.” I say softly, and she squeezes me back.
“Anytime - but when he’s gone, I want to hear everything. I haven’t seen you for months - and I thought you said you were never coming back to New York City? You’ve got a lot to tell me, girl.”
She breaks the hug before I can say anything else, and then she picks up one of my bags and lets us into the small entranceway.
I bring my other bag in, and take Maddie’s hand, following her through to what I thought was her roommate Ed’s bedroom.
It’s bare, with clean, neutral decor and empty of any personal items, and I give her another raised eyebrow as we set the bags down.
“Yeah, Ed disappeared on some last minute work thing - left me high and dry, but at least I’ve got his half of the rent for the next month. And you’ve got a place to stay. I’ll need to find someone fast, though.”
Emma runs a hand through her hair, and gives me a slightly ragged look. I finally catch the hints of circles under her eyes, and have a moment to appreciate all the plates she’s spinning at the moment, too. We’ve always been like this - both of us trying to do as much as possible, taking on enough to push us right to our limits and only then somehow realizing life will be throwing us curveballs the whole time.
“We definitely need a catch up.” I say with a smile, and she returns it.
“Emma! Are we doing this, or what?” Dylan calls from the kitchen, and Emma gives me a slightly guilty look before she disappears to placate him.
“Oops.” I say to Maddie, and she giggles and repeats it. “We’ve been distracting Emma.”
“Oops, oops, oops.” She holds out her arms and I sigh with a smile as I pick her up again.
“You’re getting too old for this, baby.” I say, bouncing her a little as she shakes her head.
“No I’m not. I’m hungry, Mommy.” She complains again, and I pull her closer for a hug as I carry her out of the room and towards the kitchen.
“Me too, little girl. Let’s go find some food, huh?” I kiss her forehead, watching as she wipes it off with a scowl.
“…ugh, this is totally overcooked, Emma.” Dylan is complaining as we enter the kitchen. “I hope your conversation was worth—ohh, hi Leah.”
I give him a pleasant smile, bouncing Maddie on my hip. “Hi Dylan. I hope you don’t mind us joining your dinner.”
“No…not at all.” He says with an expression saying exactly the opposite - that I choose to ignore.
“The pasta will be better for Maddie that way.” Emma chips in. “Nice and soft.”
“Sure, because I was totally hoping to be cooking for a kid…” He mutters it, but not so that we don’t hear.
Emma rolls her eyes at me behind his back and I hide a smile, setting Maddie down at the table and starting to help getting plates and cutlery out - making sure I take out enough napkins to try and protect from the mess that dinnertime always involves.
Dylan and Emma serve out the food a moment later, and I have to stop Maddie from diving in before everyone else has even sat down.
“Wait, wait, wait, sweetie. It’s too hot. C’mon, let’s blow on it together, hmm?” I say, making an over-exaggerated blowing motion over our plates.
She groans about it, clearly impatient, but eventually joins in, and I start cutting it up into small mouthfuls that I can set aside to cool off for her. She’s always like this with food - practically inhaling it with enthusiasm - and it’s started to feel difficult to keep up with her appetite. Probably better than her being a fussy eater, though.
Emma joins in with encouraging Maddie to wait, blowing on her own food and trying to help me out, and I shoot her a grateful glance as my girl wriggles around on her seat.
“Oh, c’mon Emma, Is the whole of dinner going to be taken up with…this?” Dylan waves his hand toward Maddie, and I have to struggle to rein in my irritation at his attitude.
It is their meal that we’re intruding on, but even so. Maddie shouldn’t have to deal with being at the end of his barbed comments.
Not that my daughter seems to have noticed him at all, too intent on the food in front of her.
So I give him a smile instead, and gesture for them both to continue.
“Not at all. I know you guys have plenty to discuss - don’t mind us. You go ahead.”
Emma glances at me, obviously sensing the slight edge to my voice, but I nod at her - she shouldn’t have to deal with his comments because of me, either.
Dylan takes me at my word, and starts talking about a potential location they’ve obviously been in the middle of discussing, and I turn back to my daughter, helping her spear some of the pasta and trying not to let the sauce fly around too badly.
Emma and Dylan’s conversation soon becomes energetic and excited, and even though I don’t say anything and I’m trying not to listen in too closely - it’s their business, not mine - I can’t help myself. And it’s hard not to feel a little jealous.
As I look at Maddie giggling as she gets as much of her meal around her mouth as in it…it’s impossible not to feel how drastically my life has changed since those years in college when I dreamed I could do anything - with Emma.
On some level, I think I still believed I would. But now she’s here, actually doing the things we talked about, and…I’m not.
I just hadn’t realized how much the last four years had changed me - and my whole life. All the things I thought would be big and important…simply aren’t anymore. Nothing could possibly compare to providing for my little girl, and in truth I’ve barely even thought about physiotherapy and college and all the things I was going to do since she was born.
But it still feels strange to listen to Emma pursuing them. A weird reminder of another life, that makes my chest feel slightly tight and uncomfortable.
I’m still puzzling over it all by the time their conversation winds down - ideas for locations, clients, advertising, hell even decor all floated and considered…though from the sound of it, not much entirely agreed.
“So…do you think you’ll get the funds?” Emma finally asks, and I get the feeling she’s been waiting to come onto it all evening.
“I told you, don’t worry about that. I know some people.” He winks at her, and I get the same sense of unease I did the last time I saw that.
When he laughed off the idea that he’d been seen with a few other women.
“And what do you think these people…your investors…might want, in exchange for the start-up funds? How much of the business are we talking?” Emma chews at her bottom lip.
“I still need to run them through the details, see what they think. And I can’t do that until we agree on a few more of the specifics, doll. It doesn’t exactly work unless I can tell them exactly how their money will be spent.” He says, sounding entirely sensible and experienced.
But I still don’t like it.
Just some fucked up jealousy. Stop it.
“Okay. Well I’ll have a look at that downtown property you mentioned, I’m just not sure whether it’ll be too expensive while we’re just starting out…” Emma nods slowly. “And on your side? You’re still planning to put that money you talked about in too, right?”
Dylan looks at me before shrugging. “Yeah, I should be fine for it.”
I realize belatedly that he’s obviously uncomfortable talking about the financial side around me - which makes sense, really. I wouldn’t want to share my financial situation too widely either.
Yeah, because you don’t even have one.
“Okay, sure.” Emma says, then glances around at the empty plates. “Shall we leave the business talk for now, then? I’ve got ice cream for anyone who wants it!”
Her voice changes tone at that last part, and Maddie catches on immediately.
“Me!” She says enthusiastically. “I do, I do. Mommy, can I?”
I laugh a little, ruffling her hair. The way she’d been slumping in her chair, I’d almost thought she was ready to fall asleep. But there are some things that will always capture her attention.
“Sure.” I glance at Emma. “Do you want any help?”
“No, don’t worry about it - you three go on to the living room, and I’ll bring it through.”
I pick Maddie up with a grateful look at Emma, then gesture with my head to all the dirty dishes.
“Don’t do any of the washing though, Em - I will later. Seriously, least I can do for you letting us stay.”
She looks like she’s about to object, but I’m walking away with Maddie before she can say anything.
We settle down on the couch, and she curls up into my side - a sure sign that she actually is ready for bed, but she’s just holding out for the ice cream. It’s been a long day, and she’s actually been remarkably good coming this far with me without making too much of a fuss.
But then, she’s more used to me taking her random places than I’d like.
Dylan comes in a moment later and sits down on the easy chair opposite - and then we both seem to realize we’re alone in the room together at the same time.
He looks at me uncertainly, and I try not to feel awkward about the whole thing. I wish I’d insisted on helping with the ice cream, now.
The last time we’d seen each other, I’d been throwing the shit he’d left around my dorm back at him as he made a quick retreat.
“So…it’s awesome that you and Emma are starting a clinic together.” I start, trying for the peace-offering approach.
“Ugh, yeah.” He glances at Maddie, seemingly still surprised at the appearance of my daughter. “And, um…well, it seems you’ve been busy too.”
I bristle for a moment, trying not to interpret that as having sex with loads of guys and getting pregnant way too early.
Instead, I smile down at my daughter. “Yeah, this one keeps me on my toes.”
Maddie gives me a sleepy look that seems to deny that claim, and I wonder whether I should just take her to bed. But now that ice cream has been mentioned, I’m only going to get a tantrum if I try that.
“It’s not quite what I pictured for you, I gotta say.” Dylan gives a short laugh, displaying the same lack of tact I remember too well from college.
“I guess things don’t always work out how you plan.” I shrug.
“Yeah, that’s true. I never would’ve guessed Emma was looking to start something like this, but hey, if you’re in the right place…” He smiles at me, then looks over at Maddie again. “So is her father still around?”
I have a moment to stare at him before outrage swamps me.
Who the hell asks something like that?!
And even worse, I notice Maddie look up at that, even in her sleepy state.
Before I get the chance to retort with the sort of biting comment I want to, Emma walks in - which might be a good thing, because I can’t think of anything that would be appropriate around Maddie right now.
“Ice cream!” Maddie jumps up, peering down at it as Emma places the bowls on the table in front of us. “Can I, Mommy?”
I force my irritation with Dylan away and smile at her. “Sit down and I’ll get you some, sweetie. And then someone needs to be getting to sleep.”
She doesn’t even object, bouncing back onto the couch while I pass her the bowl and spoon, making sure they’re balanced before I let go.
“Brrrr…” She shivers. “It’s cold!”
I ruffle her hair with a smile, watching as she squirms under the cold bowl, and simultaneously tries to scoop out the ice cream.
At least it’s enough that she seems distracted from Dylan’s comment.
I take some ice cream myself, and don’t miss the way Emma looks between the two of us, obviously picking up on the tension.
We try and make a little awkward conversation after that, but it’s obvious that Emma’s intention of moving the evening from business to social doesn’t quite work with the three of us. Dylan is certainly not someone I would ever choose to hang out with - and while I don’t want to get in the way of Emma’s evening, their casual chat seems at least a little strained as well.
They exchange a few comments about common friends or acquaintances - people I vaguely remember from college, and a couple I don’t know at all - but when the ice cream is finished, Dylan is quick to mention other plans for the evening, and I can’t deny being relieved to see him go.
“Well, it was nice seeing you again Leah.” He says, standing up. “And I’ll catch up with you about that property next week, Emma, okay?”
She nods, and I rise as well, pulling a full-and-happy little girl up into my arms as I do.
“Yes, it was…unexpected. I hope your physio plans go well, Dylan.” I glance at Emma. “I should probably put this one to bed, too.”
We all filter out into the hallway, and as we walk past Dylan, Maddie looks up at him from where I was sure she was half asleep.
“Are you my Daddy?” She asks, curiosity mixed with sleep in her voice.
We both freeze, and my cheeks burn in sudden embarrassment.
“No!” Dylan shoots me a panicked look, and I can practically see him trying to guess how old she is and do the calculation in his head. “I’m not…right?”
“No, no of course not.” I say. “It’s just…something she’s been asking recently.”
That would be a horrific idea. But I still don’t like Maddie seeing him react that way to the idea, and I know I’m scowling as I turn away.
I bounce her on my hip, and force my expression to smooth out.
“No, baby girl, he’s not your Daddy.” I say softly.
“Okay.” She says, and I don’t know whether I’m imagining the disappointment there or not.
“Maddie…baby…you can’t ask people that. It’s not nice for them, okay?”
“But…then…how will I find him?” She’s frowning up at me, and I can feel my heart contracting in my chest.
“You don’t have to worry about that, Maddie. Okay? That’s something for your Mommy to worry about.” I say quietly.
“You’re going to find my Daddy?” Her solemn eyes seem to pierce mine, and I can’t look away.
My breath catches, but then I take a deep breath and lean in close.
“I’ll try, baby. I’m going to try.” I whisper it, then kiss her forehead and cuddle her closer as the magnitude of what’s been on my mind the last few days starts becoming real.
She looks at me for a long moment, then nods.
“But right now, I have one very tired little girl to look after.”
I glance over my shoulder to see Emma exchanging a few last words with Dylan - who looks unnerved enough that he’s definitely trying to get out of here - and then I head down the hallway with Maddie.
After all the travel, then the food and it being far past her bedtime, it’s easy to get her settled. By the time I’ve tucked her in, I can already hear her breathing steadily, and I brush a light hand over her forehead before tip-toeing out of the room.
Thank god for that.
I come face-to-face with Emma a moment later, and she gives me an unrepentant look of curiosity.
“Is she okay?” She has enough sense to talk quietly, and I just nod.
“Hopefully out for the night.”
I gesture away from the spare room with my head, and we move slowly back into the living room.
Once we get there though, there’s no getting away from Emma.
“Okay, girl - you have some talking to do.” She says it with a grin though, and I can see her eyes sparkling. “Shall I get the wine?”
I laugh lightly, and can’t help returning her grin as she jumps up to pour us a couple of glasses.
By the time she’s back, I’ve relaxed into the couch and I’m almost ready to follow Maddie to sleep myself. It’s not even 9pm, and it’d be the earliest night’s sleep I would have had in a long time, but I can feel how badly my body wants it.
As soon as Emma curls up on the couch next to me - nudging my feet out of the way and handing me a glass of wine - I quickly forget about that, though. My body might want rest, but my mind doesn’t get to have a girls’ evening on the couch nearly as often as I’d like.
I take a sip of the wine and relax even further.
I can’t deny how nice it is, just being here. It’s not just how nice Emma’s little place is - tastefully decorated, cozy and with the vibe of a well lived in home - though that’s part of it. It’s partly how different it is from the run-down, chaotic mess of my place - and, if I’m honest, my whole life.
It reminds me of the sort of place I used to live.
It takes a long moment before I open my eyes and smile at Emma again, and she gives an exaggerated breath of relief.
“Thank god, hun. I thought I was going to have to wake you up just to get a little conversation out of you, and I would’ve felt pretty bad about that.”
“But you’d have done it anyway, huh?”
“Yeah, sorry hun. Priorities.” She grins, a flash of perfectly white teeth that only make her cherubic face even cuter. “So, c’mon…you know you’re always welcome here, but I never thought you’d actually come. And you could’ve given me some warning - this place is hardly child-safe, you know - I’m dying of curiosity here. You are okay, right? Has something happened?”
She squeezes my knee where it’s curled up under me and I smile, a little awkwardly. Sometimes I think Emma is a better friend than I deserve.
She’s certainly the only one I still have from college - and I wouldn’t even have her, if she hadn’t been so determined about it. Dylan was right about that - I did disappear. I dropped out of college and left without a word.
I’m not sure what it was, but after Alistair it was hard enough living and studying here - and then when I discovered I was pregnant…I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone.
I think I always intended to come back, eventually. After I’d had my child, had support worked out with my parents so that I could get my life in order and be able to study again. Then I’d be able to face the people that I’d known before, and feel like me - someone who was going somewhere, doing things.
But that had never happened.
Emma had been the one person who hadn’t accepted that disappearance. She’d tracked me down, months after I’d left, and I can still remember the shock we’d both had - her at seeing me eight months pregnant, and me at seeing her right there on my doorstep in Pittsburgh.
I guess it’s moments like that when you know you’ve met someone special. Someone who’ll be there for you even after you make shit-stupid decisions that you cling onto because of damn stubborn pride.
We talked for hours about anything and everything - except for the fact I’d left college, the obvious baby on the way, or what I was doing in a cramped, damp house that looked liable to fall down around me. Until I finally felt able to break down and tell her all the ways I’d fucked up my life.
Since then, she’s come to visit whenever she can - and she obviously adores Maddie. I feel like she wants to do more to help us out, too, but there’s only so much I can take. What I’ve needed most has been a friend. And that’s what she’s always been for me.
“I came back to find Maddie’s father.” I finally say.
Emma just stares are me for a moment.
“Her father?” She repeats, after a long silence.
I take another sip of my wine - maybe a slightly big one - and nod.
“You mean the father you made me swear up and down never to talk about, ever. That father?”
I roll my eyes at her.
“Yes, that father.” I try and put some exasperation into my voice, but it doesn’t quite work.
I should’ve guessed at that reaction.
“Okay, okay, so…who is he?” Her eyes are gleaming, and I suddenly realize she’s been wanting to ask about this for a long time. “Is he someone I know?”
“No…well, I don’t know. Probably not.” I say, before I remember that I don’t want to talk about this.
If it all goes wrong…
“I can’t tell you, Em. Not yet. I don’t know…I don’t know what he’s going to say. And if it doesn’t work out…I just don’t want…”
I can’t even explain what I don’t want, but I know she gets it. Even if she does let out a dramatic sigh and doesn’t quite let up.
“Seriously? You’re going to go find him, and I can’t even know who the mystery man is? What is it about this dude? Oh, it’s definitely someone I know then…” Her eyes widen briefly, and she lets out a short gasp. “It’s not Dylan, is it? I mean I know you said, but—”
“God, no. Fuck me, Em.” I throw a pillow at her, laughing, and then I make a point of shuddering. “Can you imagine if he was? Ugh…”
“Well, he’s got a good chance of being father to more kids than he probably wants to think about…” She giggles naughtily. “Ohh, Leah, did you see his expression when Maddie asked that? I thought I was going to die watching.”
Somehow, her laughter is infectious and I can’t help joining in - finally able to see the funny side of it now that Maddie is asleep and Dylan is gone.
“He did look pretty terrified.” I agree, already feeling the wine start to mellow me a little.
I’m not used to drinking it so often anymore - the days when I could put two bottles away with Emma in college seem long gone, and it’s probably fast on its way to knocking me out.
“To be fair, I don’t know many guys that wouldn’t be - being suddenly confronted with something like that.” She laughs again, but the words hit me a little harder than I’d like.
“Oh, shit.” She catches my expression. “Sorry, that was stupid. I didn’t mean…fuck. I do put my foot in it sometimes, don’t I?”
I give her a reassuring smile, and shake my head, even if I can’t quite shake off the reminder of my own concerns about telling Alistair.
“It’s okay. I don’t think I’m even expecting anything from him. But…I can’t ignore that he exists anymore.”
“Because Maddie is asking about it?” Emma asks, not without sympathy.
“Partly, I guess. I mean, it certainly doesn’t help that she seems to have picked up the habit of checking whether any new guy we encounter is, in fact, her father, but…” I shrug a little awkwardly. “It’s more than that.”
Emma doesn’t say anything for a long time, just lets me sit there and think about it. She waits until I’ve built myself up, and can finally admit what I’ve been trying to hide for far too long.
When I look up at her, I can’t help the tears in my eyes. The ones that never quite get a chance to fall, these days.
“I think I’m failing her, Em.” I blink them closed, and take another long sip of wine, shaking my head angrily. “She’ll be going off to kindergarten in fall, and it’s bad enough that I couldn’t afford a pre-school, but…fuck. I’ve just barely been getting by for so long and…and if that’s how it’s got to be, then, then okay. I’ll do what I can. But if she’s got another chance? If her father might want to help out, just a little…I can’t live with the idea that I didn’t give her that.”
“Ohh, Leah…” Emma sets her glass down and reaches out to pull me into a hug. “You’re not failing her, hun. Whatever happens, or whatever you want to do…Maddie is happy and healthy and it’s clear as day how much you matter to that girl. And…considering everything, what you’ve done is nothing short of completely remarkable. Hell, I wonder every day how you manage, and yet…you do—”
“I don’t.” I finally let out, the sob coming out of me from somewhere far too deep. “I try, but I’m not. If something happens—anything—we’re screwed, Maddie and I.”
“Hush, nonsense…lots of things have happened, Leah, and you’re still here. Maddie’s still smiling. And—”
“No, it’s not that.” I interrupt, but I can’t hold myself back anymore. The things that I haven’t even wanted to admit to myself are spilling over. “You’re—you’re meant to want the best for your child, right? To give them all the things you never got, all the chances and opportunities you couldn’t have? But—but, with Maddie, it’s like it’s gone the other way. I—I could do so many things. Things she can’t. I had so—so much, in my future, and—and, I’m terrified that she…she…”
Emma wraps me up into her arms as I lose control, for the first time I can remember in so long. All my fears and insecurities come bubbling out and I gasp them out between sniffling half-breaths.
She soothes and murmurs me the same way I would with Maddie, and when I run out of energy to say anymore, she lets me slump back against the couch and close my eyes.
My head is thumping with painful pulses, my whole body feels wrung out and I’m completely drained, but…somehow, I feel a little lighter. Like being able to admit all the things that have been on my mind has made a difference somehow - or maybe it’s just having someone to talk to who isn’t the four-year-old directly affected by all those concerns.
I don’t know.
But when my breathing calms down again, I reach over and squeeze Emma’s hand.
“I’m sorry—” I start, but she doesn’t let me.
“Don’t be. I’m still in awe of you, for the record.” She says. “And I’d be worried if you weren’t shit-scared half the time. Hell, I was a little concerned at how well you seemed to be holding everything together. God knows, no one else I know would’ve been able to.”
I give her a weak smile. I have no idea whether she means it or if she’s just trying to reassure me, but it’s nice to hear anyway.
“And, if you want any help convincing this no-good deadbeat of a father to give you and Maddie a little support, you know where I am.” She says, supportive as always.
I think of the premier business tycoon in the city and wince at her description.
“He’s not exactly a deadbeat, Em - it’s not like I gave him a chance to help out.” I admit.
Something that’s probably about to come back and bite me, in one way or another.
“Well, okay then. But there must’ve been a reason you didn’t want to tell him, right? So I’ll kick him into shape in whatever way he needs.” She grins at me, and I laugh.
I try to picture Alistair Sinclair going up against my friend, and have a disconcerting moment where I’m not actually sure who would come out on top.
“Thanks, Em. But seriously, I’m not going to get my hopes up here. And it’s enough that you’ve given us a place to stay - I’ll try and get out of your hair—”
She punches me lightly on the arm and scowls before I can finish the sentence, and I just smile. Then her expression softens.
“It’s going to be okay, Leah. One way or another.”
“I hope so, Em. I really do.”
I murmur it, but I know she hears.
And, strangely, I have to kick the nervous-anticipation that’s been building in me ever since I left Pittsburgh.
It’ll be an answer to a question. That’s all this is.