Chapter Six
Alistair
I’m not any calmer by the time I walk into the park hours later - I just have a much better pretense of it.
My eyes scan the groups of people there, even as I walk towards where we agreed to meet, and every time I see a little girl my heart clenches. I can’t help looking for Maddie, even though there’s no way for me to know until I see her Mom.
I get halfway through the park before I see Leah - sitting on a bench in front of a play area filled with other kids and Moms. I glance around, but I don’t see any sign of a little girl with her, and even though it feels stupid, my heart drops.
She did bring Maddie, right? She wouldn’t have changed her mind about me meeting her…
“Hi.” I say softly.
Leah starts as she glances up at me, then shuffles over on the bench. I take the cue and sit down next to her.
“Hi Alistair.”
Her eyes keep darting back to the play area, and some of my momentary concern dissipates as I guess she’s watching Maddie at the same time. Even so, I still can’t help checking.
“Is Maddie here?” I ask, trying to look over the girls in the play area.
Leah nods, but she doesn’t point anyone out, just sitting next to me in silence for a moment.
I’m impatient as hell, on edge with nerves and anticipation, but I get it.
This is probably as much of a big deal for her as it is for me.
She’s been Maddie’s only parent for so long, and now…
“What did you tell her?” I ask, both curious and hoping that talking might relax us both.
She gives me a sidelong glance.
“That we were coming to the park to play, and a friend of Mommy’s might come too.”
Might.
It’s not lost on me.
She still doesn’t know that I’m really going to do this.
It’s grating - I wonder what the hell she thinks of me - but I understand it, too.
I’m just going to have to make it fucking clear that I’m not walking away from this. Not from my little girl. And not from Leah.
I nod, and then speak again to fill the silence. Normally I’m perfectly comfortable sitting in silence, waiting for whoever I’m with to speak, but this is different. I want to make this easier for both of us. And I’ve had enough of sitting with my own thoughts.
“I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this since you came to see me.”
That gets another sidelong look, and a small smile.
“Yeah?” She says softly. “Me neither.”
I’m not sure what it is that makes me want to reassure her, but I act on the impulse.
I take her hand in mine and squeeze it, meeting her eyes.
“It’ll be okay, Leah. We’ll just take it slowly. But - this is going to be a good thing. For all of us.”
It’s what I’ve been telling myself for days. What I feel, deeper than I can even understand. It just feels right.
And I guess it’s the right thing to say, because I watch her soften at my words - those beautiful curves relaxing just a little, and her face easing as she looks up at me, long hair fluttering in the breeze.
It’s a breathtaking picture, and even now - even with everything that’s about to happen - I feel blood shoot down to my cock, the reminder of everything I felt for this girl so vivid and undeniable.
I want her. More than I want to admit, even to myself.
“Okay.” She breaks the moment with a deep breath. “Shall we go and say ‘hi’ to Maddie?”
That knocks my sudden lust back into submission, and the nervous anticipation comes back full force.
I wonder whether this is what it’s like for guys waiting for their wives to give birth - not knowing quite what’s going to happen, or how their lives will change. Waiting with an eager anxiousness to meet their kid for the very first time…
I don’t know what that’s like. I wasn’t there. But somehow, I think I’m feeling a little of that right now.
Without thinking, I slip my hand into Leah’s, and squeeze it again.
This time, I think it’s for me.
She seems surprised, but she doesn’t slip out of my grip until we approach the sandbox. Then she gives me a quiet, understanding look.
“That’s Maddie - over there, building…well, umm…I guess it looks like a lump of sand.”
I laugh, but then I follow her gaze and come to a complete stop.
There’s a little girl, resolutely patting the sand into a pile with a look of such determined concentration that my heart does a little leap.
Or maybe that’s just because this is my little girl.
She’s got her Mom’s dark brown hair, though cut in a much shorter, manageable style that curls around her chin, and the most adorable button nose and light freckles on her cheeks - or is that sand?
There seems to be more sand on her than anything else, and even though she’s obviously intent on what she’s doing, she seems so small to me - like the most precious, fragile thing on the planet.
“She’s…wonderful.”
It comes out of me as a murmur, but I can feel the way Leah is looking at me, and when I turn to meet her eyes, she smiles easily.
“She’s the best thing that ever happened to me.” She says honestly, then looks between Maddie and I for a moment - my little girl apparently not having noticed our appearance at the edge of the sandbox at all. “Do you want me to give you a few moments here? I can go and talk to her—”
“No. I mean, I’d like you with me.” I say, somewhat clumsily.
I understand the suggestion, and why she might think I need some time to myself.
But the truth is exactly the opposite.
This is our daughter. Our little girl.
And it feels better to have Leah here with me, as I get to see her for the first time.
“Okay.” She gives me another small smile. “We won’t go over there until you’re ready.”
I nod, appreciating how sweet she’s being about it all.
I want to say I don’t need the softly-softly kind of treatment, but I’ll be honest…this is a shock.
And if I’m going to go over there and pretend that I’m not her Daddy, at least for the moment…I need to get my head on straight.
Because I really doubt she’s used to her Mommy’s friends treating her the way I want to right now.
At least, I hope not.
I have no idea what kind of guys Maddie has had in her life, and a sudden doubt creeps through me as I send a subtle glance in Leah’s direction. She didn’t mention having anyone else in her life, but…
Don’t think about that right now.
I push it out of my mind as we stand together and watch our daughter playing.
Almost like we’re an actual couple.
Don’t think about that either.
But after a few minutes, Leah shifts closer to me - just a little, but enough that it would be so easy and natural to put my arm around her shoulders.
So I do.
She looks up at me, but doesn’t say anything, so I keep it there while I watch Maddie with a small smile and try to memorize every inch of her.
It doesn’t take long before my impatience wins out over my nerves though, and I look at Leah with a raised eyebrow.
She smiles back and nods, slipping out from my arm and taking a deep breath herself.
We walk around the sandbox to the corner where Maddie is playing, and I’m not ashamed to admit my heart is fluttering in my chest.
Don’t be weird and too intense. Don’t announce you’re her Dad. Just act cool. You’ve got this.
“Hey Maddie,” Leah calls as we get close.
Maddie turns around to give her Mom a quick look before turning back to her pile of sand. “I don’t want to go, Mommy! I’m not finished!”
Leah laughs and shakes her head. “No, it’s okay baby girl. We don’t have to go. I just want you to say ‘hello’ to my friend, okay?”
She heaves such a dramatic sigh that I have to bite my lip to keep from laughing, turning back again with a long-suffering look that I didn’t think a four-year-old was capable of.
“Okaaaay.”
Leah gives me a half-amused, half-apologetic look, then takes Maddie’s hand as the little girl gets to her feet, hovering around her Mom’s legs as she blinks up at me. Her hair falls in front of her face, and I can’t help smiling at how adorable she looks like that - curious, but just a little bit shy.
“This is Alistair, Maddie. He wanted to come and say ‘hi’ to you.” Leah says, with her voice pitched like she’s sharing a cool secret, before looking back at me. “This is my baby girl.”
“I’m not a baby.” Maddie complains.
I smile and crouch down in front of her, watching the cute way her face scowls up at her Mom.
“Hello Maddie.” I say gently, feeling stupidly like I’m about to get a lump in my throat or something. “It’s nice to meet you.”
“Hello.” She nods and gives me a little wave, then looks back up at her Mom and pulls on Leah’s hand. “Can I go play now?”
Leah laughs softly and nods, squeezing Maddie’s hand. “Sure thing, sweetie.”
She lets out a little squeal and then jumps back down to where she was sitting before, gathering another armful of sand and promptly ignoring us again.
I stand up next to Leah again, unable to help my own grin spreading across my face.
“Dismissed by a four-year-old…wow. My poor ego…”
“That’s what they do, I’m afraid.” Leah tries to give me an apologetic glance, but it turns into a grin.
Meeting my daughter. The moment I’ve been waiting for all week. And only a brief distraction from playing in the sand for her.
Not that I can blame her - if we’d led with Daddy it might have been a little different - but it does dump a whole load of perspective on me. Which is probably a good thing, even if that perspective is you are really not that important right now.
“Sorry, Alistair.” Leah says, amusement obvious in her voice. “You might’ve had a better chance if we’d been feeding the ducks like I’d originally planned, but the moment she saw the sandbox…you think it’s me that gets to make the decisions ‘round here?”
I laugh at that, watching Maddie’s enthusiasm as she pushes the sand together.
“She really likes it, huh?”
Leah nods. “We don’t have one near us - when she saw it, she ran right over, yelling that it was just like being on the beach. I think we’ll be spending a lot of time here over the next few days, somehow…”
“Has she been to the beach?” I ask, unable to help my endless curiosity.
Leah pauses for long enough before answering that I break my fascination with Maddie playing to look over at her, and I can’t quite read the expression on her face.
“Once. I’m surprised she even remembered it, to be honest…but it was a wonderful day.”
I give her a small smile, but I don’t ask anything else.
“It’ll take a bit of time, Alistair, but she will get to know you.” Leah adds, and I’m surprised she thinks the reassurance is necessary.
“I know - don’t worry, my skin is thick enough to deal with a little girl’s priorities.” I say, smiling. “And it’s okay - we’ve got time. I’m not going anywhere.”
She reaches over and squeezes my hand, and I look down at where Maddie has started humming to herself.
It might take time before we really know each other, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to make the most of every opportunity with her.
“Well, if you can’t beat them…” I murmur, giving Leah a crooked smile before crouching down against the small wooden edge of the sandbox.
“Hey, Maddie.” I say. “What are you building there?”
She looks up at me, and my smile becomes softer and more genuine as I see the excitement glimmering in her eyes.
“It’s a castle!” She announces proudly, patting the pile of sand.
“A castle? Wow…can I come and have a look at it?”
She thinks about it for one brief moment, and then nods enthusiastically. I grin back at her, and step over the small barrier to kneel next to her in the sand.
“Alistair! Your suit…” Leah’s voice is caught somewhere between laughter and dismay, and I glance up to see her staring at me.
I glance down at where the finely tailored fabric is sinking into the sand and shrug. “It’s just a suit.”
She’s looking at me in bemusement, but then Maddie tugs on my arm and starts telling me about her castle, which is enough for me to forget all about the suit.
At first I’m just nodding along, too wrapped up in the idea that this is my daughter to listen to all the different parts of the castle - caught between the disbelieving fascination that she’s really mine and the slight edge of terror that I might do something wrong and upset her.
But then, I start getting drawn into her imagination anyway, curious about everything she’s telling me and wanting to see what she does when she looks at the pile of sand in front of her. The things that she’s made up for herself are amazing, and after a few moments, I want to be part of it.
So Maddie and I start talking about castles, while Leah watches from the side. As if this is perfectly normal - something I do every day.
Business meetings. Negotiating difficult people and complex deals. Expensive lunches with new clients. And talking about sand castles in the park.
I can feel part of my mind looking on, amused at the contrast and wondering what the hell I’m doing. But the larger part of me is just…thrilled by something so different - this normal little girl, and the things that matter to her.
I start offering suggestions, and we poke little holes in the sand wall to make a door and windows. She dismisses my idea of a moat, but when I talk about making a tower on the top, her eyes light up.
I get about halfway through it before she stops me, pushing at my arm and scowling up at me.
“No, no no!” She stomps, sending more sand all over us. “You’re doing it all. I want to do it! It’s my castle!”
Oh…
I glance between her and the sand castle and realize she has a point - somewhere in there, I’d taken over building it how I thought it should look. Which is ridiculous, because it’s not like I care about that at all.
It turns out, maybe that part of me that wants to take over and do things right simply because I know I can do it well…not so good when it comes to building sand castles.
“I’m sorry.” I say, matching the serious expression on Maddie’s little face. “You’re right, it’s your castle. Would you like me to show you how to build a tower?”
She gives me a highly suspicious look for a long few moments, then nods decisively.
“Yes, thank you.” Her voice turns cheery again just like that, and I marvel a little at how quickly her mood seems able to change.
So we start again, and I try and show her how to do it. I’m not nearly as good at that as I am at doing it, and we make more mess than we succeed with, but it’s more fun this way. And I feel like an idiot for missing the point of playing with a child.
When we’re done with the tower, Maddie starts talking about all the other things we could build - from a moat (her idea this time), to a cannon, to a spaceship and an elephant.
When I ask her why her castle needs a spaceship, she looks at me as if I’m stupid.
“So they can fly to space.”
I try hard not to laugh, and decide not to ask about the elephant.
Instead, I look up at Leah and ask if she wants to join us. She’s been giving me the most bizarre glances this whole time, but I haven’t even tried to read them - playing with Maddie seems to need far too much attention for that. Still, I’ve felt her eyes on me - on us - and she hasn’t said anything while we’ve been playing in the sand.
If Maddie has noticed anything strange about her Mom - or noticed her Mom at all - she hasn’t said anything.
“No, that’s okay.” She smiles, though her expression is impossible to read. “I’m happy watching.”
“Mommy doesn’t like sand.” Maddie announces.
Leah laughs, shaking her head. “That’s because you put it in my sandwich, baby. I don’t like sand in sandwiches.”
Maddie pauses for a moment, frowning in sudden concentration.
“Then why are they called sand-wiches?” She says, almost accusingly.
Leah blinks at that, and I laugh. I’d never thought of it that way.
“I don’t know, Maddie.” She says. “But I don’t think it has anything to do with sand.”
“They were invented by the Earl of Sandwich.” I explain instead. “He wanted to eat meat without getting his fingers dirty, so he put the meat between two pieces of bread, like we do with sandwiches now. So it was named after him.”
Neither Leah or Maddie look impressed at my answer.
“What’s an Earl?” Maddie still has that curious expression on her face.
Leah groans. “You just had to do that, huh? Believe me, when I actually don’t know the answer…that’s the best response.”
I give her a confused look, not sure what the problem is.
“An Earl is…a person who owned a lot of land, a long time ago. Someone who was rich and powerful.”
“Why doesn’t he own it anymore?”
“Well, Earls don’t really exist any more. A long time ago, they had to sell their land, and then they just became ordinary people - like you and me.”
“I’m not ordinary!” Maddie objects, then adds. “Why did they have to sell their land?”
I glance at Leah again, starting to see her point - to find her watching with an entirely too-amused expression on her face. One that looks suspiciously like ‘I told you so’.
Totally unfair. It’s not like I have any experience at this.
“It’s, err, complicated. It would take a long time to explain.” I try. “Do you want to build that moat now?”
Leah stifles what is probably a laugh, but I’m refusing to look in her direction right now.
Maddie considers it - she seems to spend more time weighing things up than I’d expect for a four-year-old - before finally nodding, and I breathe a sigh of relief.
“You got off easy there.” Leah says, and this time I do look at her.
“Next time, give me a little warning, huh?” I murmur, and her eyes sparkle just a little.
I missed that. And I realize how much I’m really enjoying this - it all feels like the same fun and laughter we used to have together.
Of course, the causes of it were rather different back then. But even so, this feels…good. Strange, of course. Totally strange. But also, more welcome than I can quite explain.
Maddie tugs on my arm again to get my attention back - I thought she was a little shy, earlier? - and we set about improving what now looks far more like a castle, even if I do say so myself.
I have no idea how much time we spend there like that, but I know my legs are numb and I’m starting to run out of ideas for what more we can do when Maddie finally springs up and announces that we’re done.
“It’s finished!” She jumps over to where Leah is sitting on the grass just outside the sandbox, pulling on her hand. “Come see, Mommy. My castle is finished.”
Leah laughs and stands up, letting herself be dragged as I shift out of the way of Maddie kicking her way back through the sand.
I get up and stretch as she starts point out all the little parts of it to her Mom - some real and some entirely in her mind - unable to help smiling down at them both. I can’t believe how tired I seem to be just from playing in the sand, but it’s a good kind of tired. Satisfying. Like when I know I’ve done something real and made a difference with one of my business deals, only a little more…wholesome, I guess.
“Take a picture! Take a picture, Mommy. I want a picture of my castle!”
“Hey, what do you say, Maddie?”
“Okay, okay. Please take a picture, Mommy!”
Leah smiles at her and reaches for her phone, ruffling Maddie’s hair.
“Good…because I want a picture. It’s a beautiful castle, baby girl.”
Maddie beams up at her, and one moment I’m stood watching as she poses by it - then the next, she’s dragging me into the photo too.
Surprise flits across Leah’s face, but she takes a few pictures, and as I smile with my little girl I try not to think about what this is - the first photos we have together. The first memories. Because if I think about that…god help me, I won’t be able to hold that thought back.
When we’re done, Maddie’s still holding my hand, and as she looks up at me I see a glimmer of that initial shyness I saw before. She rubs one shoe against the sand and gives me a small smile.
“I think…it should be your castle, too. Because you helped.”
I smile back at her, trying not to think too much about how adorably sweet she is right now. “Okay. Our castle, then. Thank you for letting me help you, Maddie.”
Her small smile becomes a grin, and she jumps a couple of times. “Thank you for helping.”
She runs back to Leah, then pauses a moment, and turns back to me.
“What’s your name again?” She asks, and this time I do laugh out loud.
“I’m Alistair.” I repeat for her, and she nods, looking like she’s trying to commit it to memory. “Aaannd…I think you’re…Elizabeth, is that right?”
I grin at her as she squeals in outrage.
“Noooo!” She stomps her foot again. “I’m Maddie. Maaadddiiiieeee.”
“Hmm…” I stroke my chin in an exaggerated gesture, surprised how much I’m enjoying this game. “…Mary, okay, I’ll try and—”
“Maddie! I’m Maddie! It’s short for Madison!” She’s yelling now, intent on making sure I get it right.
It’s totally adorable, but I can feel a few disapproving looks in our direction. I don’t really care, but I take the hint anyway.
“Maddie, then? Your name is Maddie?” I ask.
“Yesss!” She stomps her foot again, this time in approval.
“Ohh, well you could’ve just told me that—”
“I did! I did, I did. You didn’t listen.” She objects furiously, and I grin again.
I’m not sure where the playful spark came from - I never would’ve thought I was that kind of guy to indulge in silliness or games like this, but I’m enjoying this way more than I’d imagined.
Maybe you just like the teasing…god knows, you’ve had more than enough fun provoking Leah…
Okay, that’s probably an entirely inappropriate thought. But I’m not used to just letting go and being silly - I haven’t had this kind of light-hearted feelings since…well, the last time Leah and I were getting along, I guess.
“Really? Okay then…” I make a show of being convinced. “Well, Maddie it is then. You might have to remind me of that a few times.”
“Ughhh.” She makes an aggrieved noise and turns back to Leah with a huff.
I can’t help wondering if she picked that up from her Mom, but I’m smiling anyway. Leah looks over as Maddie runs up to her, and our eyes meet for a brief moment of warmth, before Leah turns to Maddie with an aggravated expression.
“Look at you - I think you’re more sand than little girl, there.” She crouches down and starts brushing her daughter off as Maddie giggles and squirms.
“He is too!” Maddie points at me with squeals of laughter.
I glance down at my own clothes to see that she has a point, just as Leah gives me an amused look.
“Well, I’m not brushing you off.” She says, as she stands up from her efforts with Maddie.
I can’t help myself, the corner of my mouth turns up and I can sense the heat flashing into my gaze.
“If you’re sure you don’t want to, baby…” I murmur it softly enough that Maddie can’t hear me, but I don’t miss the way Leah’s eyes widen.
She didn’t miss it. I smile as she turns away and busies herself with Maddie again, lightly brushing off some of the sand from my suit. At least the material is sheer enough that the sand seems to want to fall off it, but…it’s definitely not the same suit as it was a couple of hours ago.
“Are we going to see the ducks now, Mommy?” Maddie asks as she squirms out of Leah’s reach and starts skipping backwards.
I laugh, surprised she doesn’t want to lie down and nap right about now. That would be at the top of my mind…
Leah glances over at me, raising an eyebrow.
“Ducks sound fun.” I say easily, answering the silent question.
“Yay!” Maddie jumps up before her Mom can say anything else, and starts running in the vague direction of the park’s path. “They’re this way!”
“Don’t go too far, Maddie!” Leah shouts after her.
“Yeah, gotta let the old folk catch up.” I add, and watch as she turns around and sticks out her tongue - but she does at least start running in circles that keep her close enough to us.
“I can’t believe how much energy she has.” I say, shaking my head. “I’m exhausted.”
Leah laughs, looking over at her with a warm fondness. “Yeah, it won’t be too long before she crashes, I think. She only seems to have two settings at the moment - jumping all over the place, or completely zoned out and tired and grumpy. No warning when she’ll switch from one to the other, either - it’s all been guesswork for me so far.”
I smile, and reach over to squeeze her shoulder instinctively. I really want to put my arm around her, but I don’t know what Maddie will think if I start doing something like that, and I’m pretty sure Leah will object because of that, if nothing else.
“She’s amazing, you know. Totally perfect.” I can hear the wonder in my own voice, and I know I sound stupid, but I can’t bring myself to care.
Leah snorts. “Yeah, give it a little time. She’s a great kid, but believe me, I could list all the little frustrations for days.”
“I’m sure you could - and when I find out about all those as well, I’m sure I’ll love her all the more for them.”
Leah stops abruptly, and I only make it a pace further before turning to look at her. She’s staring at me with a shocked expression, and I know exactly why. Even though everything I said should have been self-evident.
“You…you mean that?”
“She’s my kid, Leah.” I say softly. “I’d love her even if this first meeting had been awkward and tense and difficult, and she hated my guts.”
“But…you only just…”
She’s blinking at me, and I know she’s trying to gather herself back behind the tightly controlled walls she’s erected between us - trying not to be affected by these brief moments where I come out and say something she’s totally not expecting. The ones that make her see me - just for an instant - as someone different from the image she’s got in her head.
I step up to her before she can, and thread my hand through her hair the way I used to, pushing it back behind her ear and caressing her head. I smile softly, the memory of it affecting me as much as being this close to her again does.
“I only just met her. But it doesn’t matter, Leah - I don’t need time to know that I love her. She’s mine. It’s as simple as that.”
I withdraw before she has a chance to object - before she can fully recover - my fingertips trailing down her neck. It’s so fucking hard not to kiss her right now, but there’s only so far I can go, so I turn and start walking slowly back towards where Maddie is still dancing around - not having noticed us, I think.
I hope.
For now, anyway.
When she knows who I am, it won’t be so bad to show her a few brief moments of affection…hell, it won’t be so bad to have them. And the way I can feel Leah’s gaze on my back, the heat there, I can’t help imagining that she’s thinking the same thing.
She catches up to me a few moments later, and doesn’t say anything about what I just did. That in itself tells me everything I need to know.
Instead, after a few moments, she returns to what we were originally talking about.
“I’m glad.” She says softly, almost shyly - not meeting my gaze. “That you feel like that. Maddie…she deserves that.”
I nod, agreeing with an easy smile. “She does.”
We walk down the path for a while longer before she breaks the silence again.
“You know, I wasn’t quite expecting…this.”
I glance over at her, raising an eyebrow. “You weren’t expecting…what?”
I sound casual, but my heart rises in my chest as she says it.
I know exactly what she means - the business tycoon Alistair Sinclair isn’t known for playing in the sand, being silly and indulging kids. And I’ve felt the way she’s been looking at me - disbelieving, doubtful but…with an edge of hope. Of interest. It’s what every Mom is drawn to, right? A guy who could be a good Daddy.
Of course, I have a much bigger reason to want to be a good Daddy - and she’s currently skipping ahead of us talking to herself - but even so…there’s some stupid part of me that wants to impress Leah. And wants to show her I’m not the same man she left.
Even though it’s fucked-up that I do.
I shouldn’t care - she left me. I should be angry and hurt and resentful that I never knew about Maddie. I shouldn’t be trying to prove anything to her. But…every time I look at her…my heart seems to skip a beat.
Damn it.
She gives a short laugh, and gestures vaguely in my direction. “I don’t know…this. You. You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so…disheveled.”
I glance down at myself again, and smile when I see what she’s looking at. My fine suit, spotted with sand and crease marks from kneeling in the sandbox earlier, stretched in the wrong places and looking entirely out of place.
“In hindsight, wearing a suit to the park was probably a bad idea.” I say, amused.
It didn’t even occur to me to wear anything else - and that probably says something. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t dressed formally.
“You think?” Leah teases, looking me up and down. “Do you even have other clothes?”
Her question is an uncanny echo of my own thoughts.
“Umm…I’ll get back to you on that.”
I’m sure I have an old pair of jeans somewhere. Exactly the sort of thing I’m probably going to need for playing with Maddie, I guess.
“And if not, I can always invest in a new wardrobe.” I point out.
She rolls her eyes at me. “Of course. Money has a way of solving those sorts of problems.”
Her tone is more amused than anything else, and I have to bite my tongue to resist offering to solve her problems that way. She needs it - despite how defensive and closed off she is about talking about any of that, I can tell. But I know her too well to jump in there and try.
Leah has never wanted a savior - a knight in shining armor - we had more arguments than I can remember about how she wanted to solve her own problems, and diving in with that kind of attitude is only going to send her running.
Even if she has a kid now. Even if she has my kid. And I should be able to make sure that kid has everything she needs.
I squash the impulse. I want this to go well. Right now, it’s going well.
We can figure out the details later.
And, unbidden, Maddie’s voice comes into my head.
“You’re doing it all. I want to do it! It’s my castle!”
Her mother’s daughter, indeed. But oddly enough, I understand that childish desire better than I ever did with Leah’s protests.
Maybe that will be different now.
Maddie comes running back to us, trying to drag Leah forward and complaining that we’re being too slow.
“You’re going to get tired if you keep that up.” I say, trying to be helpful, but Maddie stops and gives me an impish look.
“Mommy always tells me to get tired.” She grins. “Hey, I’ll race you!”
I glance over at Leah, beginning to understand where her exasperated and long-suffering looks come from.
“Mm…okaay…” I say slowly. “But I’m good at races. You might not win.”
“I will!” She says enthusiastically, then takes off before I’ve even had a chance to think about it.
“Cheat!” I call after the giggling little girl in front of me as I start running.
I can hear Leah laughing from behind me, and mentally curse her as I catch up to Maddie. She’s surprisingly fast, actually, but I have a slight height advantage that she can’t really compete with. Not for a good long time, anyway.
I let her win, of course. But I put enough effort into making it exciting and close that by the time we stop, I’m actually feeling the exertion.
“These shoes really weren’t made for running.” I grumble to Leah as she catches up to us, wincing as they pinch me.
“I won, I won!” Maddie grins, darting around us.
“He’s just upset because he lost.” She stage-whispers to Leah, and I scowl at her.
“Poor guy.” Leah doesn’t sound the slightest bit sympathetic, and I mutter something under my breath as she starts digging in her bag for some bread for the ducks.
“C’mon, are you going to come chase the ducks with me?” Maddie tugs at my hand again, and I look over at Leah.
“Chase them? I thought we came here to feed them.”
She giggles. “Mommy feeds them. I chase them.”
I look over at Leah, who gives me an amused glance back.
“That’s about how it usually goes.” She admits, as the ducks start waddling over, quacking loudly at the rustling of her bag of bread.
“Hmm…” I make a show of considering it, then turn back to Maddie. “Why don’t you chase the ducks…and I’ll…chase…you!”
She squeals as I dive for her, running away and careening into the first set of ducks to head our way. They honk in outrage, flapping off to the side, and she laughs again, looking back over her shoulder as I try to look menacing.
“Okay, the suit was a terrible idea.” I mutter to Leah. “Let’s see if I can fix it a little.”
I loosen my tie, then take the whole thing off entirely, before shrugging off my jacket and throwing them both casually on the grass. My tailor would probably have a fit to see it, but it would be a totally unjustified one, as it would probably be the same as throwing even more money at him.
I slip the first few buttons on my shirt open, and grin back at Leah.
“Okay, maybe now I’ll be able to keep up with that ball of energy.”
I laugh as I run off after Maddie, and she squeals and tries to run away again, aiming for different sets of ducks as she goes - sending them scattering off sideways, only to regroup behind us with a lot of noise, to where Leah is patiently throwing out bread onto the ground.
We play like that for a while, and I come close but never quite catch Maddie as she dances away from me. Towards the end she starts getting carried away with it, taunting me and sticking her tongue out as she runs by - even as she’s obviously getting out of breath and tired.
“Can’t catch me. Can’t catch me.” She grins as I get close to her and she sprints off in another direction.
“Ohh really?” I say, making my voice deeper as I do. “You haven’t seen me…really try yet. I’m coming for you, girl!”
I let out a burst of speed and she shrieks as I bear down on her, sprinting full throttle back towards her Mom as I let my fingers brush her back in an attempt to grab her.
“Mommy, Mommy! Heeelllp!” She yells, and Leah laughs as she watches both of us.
Leah crouches down and opens her arms. “In here, baby.”
Maddie runs straight at her, still screaming, barreling into her Mom and knocking her back a few steps. Leah’s arms close around her and she laughs up at me.
“You can’t get her in here.” Leah says, perfectly matter of fact as I run up right behind Maddie. Her eyes are sparkling at me, and I’m struggling to contain my own laughter as I make a point of growling and stomping around her.
She’s looking out at me from between Leah’s arms, though, and she giggles as she sees me.
“Can’t get me, can’t get me!”
“You better not come out then, girl!” I let it rumble out of my chest, and Maddie squeals again, clutching Leah tighter.
“I guess that means I better carry you, huh?” Leah asks Maddie, whose eyes light up, and she nods eagerly.
Leah hoists her up against her hip and Maddie wraps her arms around her Mom’s neck, leaning into her. The sight of it makes my heart beat a little faster.
“How about we have a nice calm walk back, hey?” Leah suggests.
I laugh a little. “Fine by me - if you can keep that one in line.”
But Maddie seems perfectly content to slump against her Mom, the soft features of her face slackening a little as she relaxes. I reach up and stroke her hair back from her head, unable to help myself - but neither of them object.
“She’s tired, huh?”
“Surprised?” Leah asks, her eyes dancing.
“More like relieved.” I smile back at her. “I’m exhausted, after all that.”
We walk slowly back towards the entrance to the park, content with the comfortable air between us without saying anything more. I really am exhausted - but buzzing at the same time, with that satisfied tiredness I’ve only ever gotten before from a long, hard day at the office.
Or really great sex.
But I’m not letting myself think about that around Leah. Not too much, anyway.
Right now, my head feels too full of Maddie, anyway. And one of the most different days I’ve ever had. There’s too much to mull over, absorb and enjoy to try and start another conversation.
Simply being with Leah feels right, too. I glance over at them both more than I should, but I keep thinking about how good this is - how amazing it feels, to have the two of them with me. To spend a day playing in the park.
Not something anyone would ever associate with me - but things are different, now.
I smile over at Maddie again, whose eyes have drifted closed with her Mom’s rhythmic stride.
And I want them to be different.
When the entrance to the park comes in sight, we both pause for a moment, looking at each other - and then I lead us over to a bench. I don’t feel ready to leave them, yet.
I’m not sure I ever will.
Leah follows, settling down with Maddie and giving me a small smile.
“This has been…really nice, Alistair.” Her voice is soft, and she strokes Maddie’s hair as she speaks. “You were great with her.”
I smile, my heart warming at the comment. “She’s a wonderful kid.”
“And a sleepy one.” Leah says, rubbing Maddie’s back as the little girl’s breathing evens and she rests against her Mom. “We should probably go home.”
She pauses, and looks like she wants to say something else, but then turns her attention back to Maddie instead.
“Ready to go back to Auntie Emma’s?” Leah asks her, bouncing Maddie a little on her knee. She barely stirs, wrapping her arms around her Mom tighter and mumbling something sleepily.
Leah looks back at me with a little smile, shaking her head as she lowers her voice. “I think that’s all we’re getting out of her - but if she’s falling asleep at the end of it, it’s been a good day. I’ll—well, I’ll leave you to think about things, but it would be nice to do this again.”
Leah starts to move, but I stop her before she can get up.
“Come back with me.”
It slips out before I can think better of it, but it’s been on my mind all day.
I don’t need to think about things. I know exactly what I want.
Leah stares at me, but I keep talking before she can say anything. I lower my voice even though I’m pretty sure Maddie is fast asleep now, and I can’t help the insistence in my tone as I try to explain.
“I mean it - move in with me, Leah. I don’t need to think about things. I love Maddie. I love—” I catch myself, going too fast as I try to get her to listen to me. “I loved today, with you both. I’ll give you whatever you need - I want to support you, both of you. But I want to be a part of your lives, too - come and live with me, and—”
“Alistair. We can’t. I can’t. We barely know you - Maddie has only just met—”
“You’re already staying at a friend’s house - just tell Maddie that you’re staying at a different friend’s house now.” I point out. “You’d have your own space there, and it would be so much easier if you’re going to be here for a while. It wouldn’t mean anythi—”
“No.” Leah stands up abruptly, and Maddie lets out a noise of complaint at the movement before Leah bounces her a little, shifting her up on her hip again. “We’re not moving in with you, Alistair. It’s too much—this is all too much. I’m glad you got to meet Maddie, but—I have to go now.”
She takes a deep breath and I consider rising with her, pulling her into me and calming the stress that’s written all over her face now. The way I used to do.
Of course, I was usually the one that caused it back then, too.
A pang of regret hits me, and I glance away.
By the time I’ve looked back, she’s walking away, and I curse myself even more for not saying goodbye.
It was a good plan. I’d thought it through. And it’s what I want - even if it is fast and impulsive. I can already feel how deep this goes - I want to be a part of their lives. Maddie’s life. Leah’s.
And that’s not some momentary decision that’s going to reverse itself - it’s the start of something so new and hopeful that I can’t even think about it too closely.
But I’d also known, before I even said anything, that she wouldn’t go for it.
That’s why I didn’t mention it all day. Until I was faced with her leaving, and then…it just slipped out.
I might be ready for all of that - but Leah isn’t. And she’s looking out for Maddie. And it is reckless to dive in so quickly.
I let out a long breath and lean back on the park bench, looking over to the entrance Leah left through and thinking about the day I’ve just had with my daughter. And how it ended.
I’d forgotten how infuriating it had been dealing with her stubborn independence all those years ago.
But this isn’t like those other times - everything is different now, and this time…I just want to take care of them. To make them both happy. And I know I can, too.
I just have to convince her of that.
At whatever painstakingly slow pace she needs.