Chapter Fifteen
Cassie
I wake up alone the next morning.
That shouldn’t be the first thing I notice. It’s not like I’ve been sleeping with Josh for long.
But it feels…weird not to have him there beside me.
It feels weird not to have him here at all.
Like a bad dream. Something that you think is wrong, and false, but you can’t quite wake up from anyway.
And when my mind jumps to what happened yesterday…my heart twists.
I’m not even angry anymore - just aching and aching hurt as I replay it again and again, trying to work out what happened. What it means. How I feel.
I’m so fucking confused.
And I think I’m almost hungover - dazed and empty after the wretched emotions of yesterday.
An overwhelming sadness I can’t shake.
The nagging feeling that I might have lost something very important.
I rub my eyes, gritty from barely sleeping last night, even after I spent the evening wandering around and around the garden.
After that furious argument - after our break up - I couldn’t help myself. I took off away from everyone.
I’d always intended to stay - to put on some sort of show for my family. Wail and despair and curse the world. Break down into a thousand pieces and swear off relationships for good.
But then, I’d always intended the whole thing to happen today, too.
None of it has gone to plan. Nothing happened as it was supposed to.
It wasn’t meant to feel so…real.
I wasn’t meant to get so angry and upset and hurt.
After all that, I couldn’t even face my family. Couldn’t possibly add trying to pretend something on top of that.
Though I doubt I even needed to. The whole thing was far too fucking raw to need any additional convincing.
I wince again as I think of how personal it became.
The things he said.
I haven’t been able to get those thoughts out of my head.
Can’t take a risk without a three-hour conversation…everything always has to be about you…ungrateful as ever…I’m done…Done.
Done. Done. Done.
I press my hands to my eyes, trying to shut it out.
I keep trying to tell myself he didn’t mean it. That it was an act. That he’s really fucking good at pretending. But when he said all that stuff…it rang true.
You infuriate me enough without even trying…I can think of dozens of reasons…dozens of reasons…
And now I know some of them.
I groan again, dragging myself miserably out of bed.
It wasn’t just on him, either. I lashed out right back. Hurt and angry and caught in the middle of so much confusion about what the hell we were doing.
Whether he really meant what he was saying.
What had started as a good thing to counter with, a clever act…twisted into something else.
Somehow, I forgot that it was just supposed to be a pretend argument, and I started fighting for real.
I knew where all his weak spots were, and I went after them. Deliberately. Wanting to hurt him back.
God damn it.
And now…who the fuck knows.
Our fake relationship is over, of course.
But our real one? Our friendship?
I don’t have a clue.
And instead, I’m just left here, completely desolate.
It shouldn’t even have mattered - the shit he said. He’s teased me about it all before. I don’t know why I took it so fucking personally. I don’t know why I hit him back so hard.
And now I just feel empty.
Missing him, and feeling completely shitty about everything that happened.
Missing waking up beside him…touching him…kissing him…
Which doesn’t even make sense. That’s not what I should be thinking about.
But then, this whole week stopped making sense a while ago.
I force myself to shake it all off, to try and stop obsessing about any of it, and stare at my packed bags with a sigh.
Eventually, I pull myself together enough to start dragging them downstairs, stalling for another few minutes at the thought of having to face my family.
I’m so not up to dealing with their shit right now.
And I have no idea what to say to them, either.
I managed to avoid it yesterday - spending hours wandering the gardens, trying to sort out my fucked up emotions.
It didn’t work, but at least I didn’t have to deal with them too.
And by the time I headed inside, the thought of their last-night takeout - more of a tradition than family soccer has ever been - was enough to turn my stomach. I disappeared to my room without a word instead.
Maybe I can just slip away with a quick ‘goodbye’.
Even though this part had been the whole point of having Josh play my fake boyfriend.
Stupid fucking idea. Why the hell did he ever go along with it?!
It’s suspiciously quiet when I get downstairs though, and I frown.
Usually the leaving-morning cleaning efforts are in full swing by now. Something I’d probably get shit for not being part of already, except that I’m clearly too devastated to help right now.
Hey, look at that, Josh. Maybe the plan worked.
The thought brings me no sense of satisfaction.
Though…no one else appears to be doing anything either.
I see all the bags packed up by the door, but have to wander through the house before I finally hear them in the dining room.
On leaving day?
I push open the door with a frown, and everyone goes silent, turning to look at me.
Well, you expected that much.
“Auntie Casss! We’re having pancakes!” Lucas beams up at me, bouncing excitedly on his chair.
“We…are?” I ask, confusion momentarily overcoming my numbness.
Maria steps up to me, smiling gently as she wraps an arm around my shoulders.
“We thought it would be good for you to have a proper breakfast before you head all the way back to LA.” She squeezes my shoulder, and bemused, I take the chair she’s nudging me towards.
Right in the middle. Of course.
“But what about…” I start.
We never have breakfast the morning before we leave - we always just pick something up on the road. Mom and Dad have had a strict no cooking after lunch the previous day rule for as long as I can remember. It’s the reason we always get take-out, too.
“Don’t worry about it, honey. It’s only a little extra to clear up.” She smiles at me again, taking a seat beside me.
The large plates full of pancakes, sauces, bacon and syrup say something entirely different, but it slowly dawns on me that this is for me. Which only makes me feel more awkward.
“Um, okay. Well, thanks.” I finally say, helping myself to a couple of pancakes in front of me.
“I’m sorry, Cassie. About…what happened yesterday.” Mark says after a few moments, and a couple of others nod.
“I…yeah, um. Yeah.”
I have no idea what to say.
Maybe I should break down about it now?
But I feel too wrung out for that. And…I’m worried that if I start, I might never stop.
I don’t want there to be something to cry about.
It feels totally unnerving to have everyone’s attention on me, but I start eating anyway. I don’t taste a thing.
I manage two bites before it starts.
“It’s for the best anyway, sweetie.” Mom says, leaning across the table to pat my hand. “He really wasn’t the right guy for you.”
“Yeah, I mean sure he was hot.” Beth continues. “But he wanted you to support him. I mean, what the hell? My god, I wouldn’t be caught seen with a dead-beat like that. And this was meant to be about my engagement party. You guys fucking spoiled that.”
My hands tighten around my cutlery, but I don’t say anything.
This was what I wanted, right?
“Hey, okay everyone, there’s still pancakes to finish.” Maria interrupts.
Beth rolls her eyes at her, but she takes the hint. For now, anyway.
Maria turns back to me though, saying quietly. “They’re right in some ways, though, Cassie - he didn’t deserve you.”
“Yeah, honestly Cassie, if he’d stuck around I would’ve decked him for the shit he was saying about you. It’s probably a good thing—” Mark says, then shuts up when Maria shoots him a look.
I just stare at my plate, unable to meet anyone’s eyes and trying not to think about how much I miss having Josh here.
I should be agreeing, cursing him and announcing that I’m done with relationships for good.
But I can’t.
I did enough cursing him yesterday, and I regret every part of it.
It’s all I can do not to jump in and defend him. Tell them that they don’t have a fucking clue.
I start eating slower and slower, feeling overwhelmed by it all.
“I’ve got to say though, his attitude…” Mom starts again, and I tense. “He was so damn rude. I could never have seen a boy like that being part of our family.”
I swallow the mouthful of pancake, and it becomes a lump in my stomach almost immediately.
“What can I say, Cassie - you should’ve listened to me. Now, that Matthew…maybe I can get back in touch with him…”
“No.” I finally speak, looking up to glare at her. “No fucking way.”
“Cassie!” She frowns. “Come now, language. You might be upset, but this is no time for—”
“No. I am never letting you set me up with someone again, Mom. I’m done with that whole fucking thing.” I say, my voice rising.
That’s what got me into this whole mess in the first place. Because I couldn’t just fucking say no in a way she understood. I had to invent some elaborate scheme, just to keep the peace. Well, I’m fucking done with it.
“Because your own taste got you so far, Cassie!” She matches my glare. “I’m just trying to help, and you—”
“I don’t give a fuck what you think you’re doing, Mom. It’s over. You try and get me to talk to any other fucking guy, and I’ll start off by letting him know that you’re an insecure megalomaniac with no sense of reality. Am. I. Fucking. Clear?!”
She stares at me, her face going completely red, but I’m done.
I stand up, not even caring anymore.
If Josh and I have fucking wrecked everything for this, then I’m going to at least going to make it worth that much.
She starts spluttering something about me as I leave, turning to everyone else in her usual outraged, offended manner.
“Oh, for once in your life, cut the crap Mom.” Mark’s voice follows me as I close the door, and I get a brief moment of startled satisfaction.
That dies as soon as I leave them behind.
Then I’m just alone again.
Lost and miserable.
I wander into the games room, and curl up on one side of the large over-stuffed sofa facing the fireplace.
It’s empty, and it’s almost never cold enough here for us to even use it, but I stare at it for a while anyway.
Wondering what Josh is doing now.
I pull out my phone, staring at the last message he sent me - back before we even left for this trip - and consider texting him.
He was supposed to be leaving with me today. I mean, we were going to break up, but then he’d get a taxi to the nearest town and wait for me there. I’d drive us both back home.
But he left yesterday, instead. And he hasn’t said anything about where he is. He’s obviously not waiting for me.
I feel like I should at least split the cost of him getting home. He came out here for me, after all.
But I hesitate over actually asking about it.
‘Hey, how much do I owe you?’ doesn’t sound like something I can send right now.
Neither does ‘hope you got back okay’ or the one I’ve never considered before - ‘thinking of you’.
There’s too much shit in the way of any of those.
And the easy closeness we’ve always had - that’s been so self-evident that I’d stopped noticing it was even there…all that feels gone between us. The guy who was always at the other end of a message, a call, a late-night unexpected crashing at his house…
He feels too far away to reach now.
I sigh again as I put the phone away.
“Auntie Casss…”
My heart lifts for a moment, and then drops an instant later, as I look over at Ellie watching me.
It’s not like I mistook her for Josh - their voices are nothing alike. But the way she says Cass is so similar to his affectionate Caz, and no one else ever calls me that…
She blinks at me, and for a moment looks so concerned I almost see Maria written in her face.
I give her a reassuring smile and pat the sofa I’m curled up on, dragging her into my lap. She wriggles around until she’s looking up at me again, then reaches out to touch my face.
“What’s wrong, Auntie Cass?”
I sigh softly, kissing the top of her head. She really is a sweet girl.
“I’m sad because Josh has gone away, and I like him very much.” I say eventually, and it’s not until I put it in child’s terms that I realize how perfect they are for times like this.
That simple sentence has more basic truth to it than any explanation I could give the rest of my family.
“Oh.” She says. “I like him too.”
I laugh a little at that, stroking her hair, aware as I do that it’s more for my benefit than hers.
“You do? I think you might be the only one, honey.”
Another way I messed this whole thing up. It seemed to make sense at the time, but now it’s just confused things even more.
Why did I ever want everyone to dislike Josh?
“I know.” She says serenely, with the wisdom only a five-year-old can muster. “But he told me a secret.”
I perk up at that, surprised.
“He did?” I ask. “When did he do that, Ellie?”
“When we were playing.” She says, cuddling up to me.
I nod, as if this makes perfect sense, but I’m curious anyway.
What’s he been saying to the kids?
“Is it a secret you can tell me?” I prod a little more.
She considers this for a long time, but I don’t ask again.
Ellie is very big on secrets at the moment, and if she thinks someone is trying to get her to tell one, she’ll close up faster than you can blink.
“He said I could tell people when he was gone.” She says after a while. “But only people I want to tell.”
I nod again.
“Do you want to tell me?” I ask slowly, as if this isn’t burning me up with interest.
She thinks about this again, making a loud hmmmm to emphasize it.
Then she giggles and nods. “I think he would want me to tell you.”
Thank god for that.
She comes close to me, her mouth hovering over my ear as she starts whispering. It tickles, but I don’t stop her.
“Josheses secret is…he’s actually nice, Auntie Cass. He said he was pretending to be a monster. But that I’m right, and monsters don’t exist, so he’s actually nice.”
She looks back at me proudly, and I can’t help it any longer.
It’s enough to break through the bleak, confused emptiness I’ve been caught in, and a sob rips out of me, even as I try to hold it back. For my niece, who doesn’t understand at all.
“Auntie Cass? Auntie Cass!” Her face scrunches up. “I’m sorry! It was a good secret, it was a good one!”
“Hush, hush, hush…” I cuddle her close to me, breathing in the sweet scent of her hair and trying to make her believe I’m rocking her instead of myself. “It was a good secret, honey. Very good.”
Tears are running down my cheeks, and I’m shaking with the effort of not bursting into large, wracking sobs.
“Then why are you sad now?” She asks, almost accusingly, and I don’t have an answer for her.
Not one that I can explain.
“I don’t know.” I say instead, still struggling for breath. “But…maybe…a cuddle might fix it.”
She nods again, and throws her arms around me, and my stupid, shattered heart squeezes up tight again.
We rock back and forth for a long moment, and she takes up shushing me as I don’t know whether I want to laugh, or sob, or anything.
That’s how Maria finds us, a few minutes later, and she stops in her tracks.
“Ellie! What are you doing there?” She comes to sit beside us, rubbing Ellie’s back and shooting me a worried look. “I told you not to bother Auntie Cass at the moment, sweetie.”
I give a shaky breath as Ellie complains that she wasn’t bothering me, then I agree with my niece.
“She wasn’t, Maria. She’s been more helpful than everyone else combined, I promise.” I try to smile, but that’s too much for me right now, and I squeeze my eyes shut against fresh tears.
“Okay, okay.” She murmurs, then slowly extracts Ellie from my grip. “Why don’t you go play now, sweetheart? I think Lucas is playing cowboys outside.”
“What about Auntie Cass?” She asks with wide eyes.
“I’ll look after her now, okay?” Maria says, as if I’m not even here. But it’s sweet enough of her that I don’t care.
Ellie glances between us and I give her an encouraging nod, before she reluctantly slides off the sofa.
“Okaaay…” She still looks over her shoulder at us as she walks away though, nearly bumping into the door post.
Maria shouts at her to watch out and I wince, but she recovers from it with a jump, before darting away from us.
I sigh heavily, and before I can say anything, Maria is pulling me into her arms.
I look up at her, feeling silly, but the moment they close around me, I suddenly can’t hold back the sobs anymore.
I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t even be crying over this, but I am.
And I can’t help it.
She holds me, and rubs my back, as I finally let it all out.
Release every stupid emotion this fucked up thing has left me with.
She murmurs soft sounds, and I don’t remember the last time I felt so much like a stupid child, but I go with it anyway.
I sob, and moan, and by the end of it I’m hiccuping and she’s passing me constant tissues.
“Ohh Cassie, I’m so sorry.” Maria says, gentle as ever.
“I’ve…lost…my best friend…” I moan, gasping as I try to get my breathing back under control.
“Shhh, it’s okay.” She kisses my forehead. “It’ll be okay, Cassie. I know it feels that way now…but he was never really your best friend.”
I start crying again, this time for how I’ve fucked everything else up too. For the way she’s comforting me for something that didn’t even happen.
“No…I…he…he was…” I say, taking deep breaths and trying to steady myself out again.
I can’t keep pretending anymore. I need to say it. To tell someone what the fuck is going on with me right now.
“Maria…can I…I want to tell you something.” I finally get out, wiping at my eyes and looking up at her.
“You can tell me whatever you want, sweetie. It’s okay.” She murmurs, but I know she isn’t paying attention.
“No, really. I…it’s fucked up, Maria. And…and you and Mark will fucking kill me.” I admit.
I don’t care about what anyone else thinks. But I feel genuinely bad for them, for how much they’ve tried to support me this week.
That does get through to her, and she frowns. “What is it?”
“Josh…I…he’s…he’s not my boyfriend, Maria. We’re not—we weren’t—he was just pretending. He’s a good—a good guy. We’re—we were just friends.”
I have no idea what we are now. Whether we’re anything at all.
She blinks, frowning at me.
“But, you, ah…” Her eyes flick down and I realize she’s glancing at the fading love bite still obvious on my neck. “You were…umm…”
I cough and glance away, suddenly awkward.
“Er…yes…that—that’s part of the…the problem.” Another sob hits me, and I try to steady myself again. “It was…that wasn’t meant to happen. But we weren’t—we’re not together. It was just…an act.”
She doesn’t seem angry with me, at least. Just completely confused.
“But…why, Cassie?”
“Because I couldn’t deal with any more set-ups, or Mom going on and on at me. I thought if—if I had a boyfriend, she’d leave me alone. And then, we could break up, and—and I could tell everyone I was done with men for—for a while.”
She’s staring at me now, as if I’ve just grown another head or something.
“Really, Cassie?” She gives me a look as if I’m being ridiculous - the same one I’ve always gotten for complaining about our mother. “That’s…pretty extreme. Do you really think it’s as bad as all that? Worth…lying to us all, dragging your friend into it, just to get out of a few blind dates?”
“She told the last psycho she set me up with that I’d had a secret crush on him all through school. Enough that he thought he was entitled to act on it now.” I say bitterly. “It seemed fucking worth it at the time. Now…fuck knows.”
“Wait…what?!” Her expression changes to horror in an instant. “When was this? What happened, Cassie?”
I shrug. I don’t even care about that anymore. This thing with Josh is far worse.
“You know the guy - the esteemed Matthew. I ran into him on Monday, in Yuma. It’s fine, nothing happened, but damn it—if Josh hadn’t been there—” Then a fresh wave of sobs runs through me, as I think about Josh.
About everything he’s done to support me.
Supporting you…helping you…don’t you know I have my own fucking life to worry about…
“Why didn’t you say, Cassie?” She says, angry, but very obviously not at me. “I’ll talk to John, we’ll get him strung up and—”
“Don’t. Don’t bother.” I say. “Nothing happened. I just didn’t want to think about it, or any of that drama with Mom. And Josh left him in a pretty bad way.”
“Good.” She says grimly, and I’m not entirely sure she will leave it at that, but she at least drops it for the moment. “And…I’m sorry, Cassie. I never realized it was as bad as all that.”
I shrug. “It’s just Mom. You know what she’s like. And I’m just sick of that shit. I should’ve told her to fuck off, instead of—instead of all this. And now—fuck, what a mess.”
She squeezes my shoulder. “It’ll be okay. I’ll talk to them, and by the time you next see us all again, I’m sure they’ll have gotten over it.
I nod miserably, appreciating the support, but not able to care too much about what they think right now.
“So…do you want to tell me what’s really wrong then, Cassie?” She finally asks. “If you were always going to break up…”
I sob again, and shake my head. “I know, it was—it was meant to be…to just be part of the plan. But—but then, when it happened—”
“It sure seemed real from where I was watching.” She says softly.
I nod.
“And now—now I don’t know—don’t know…Now he’s gone, and—and I—I think I fucked it up, Maria.” I try to breathe, but as the truth comes out, it gets harder and harder.
She rocks me again, hushing me and telling me it’s all okay.
“I think I lost my best—my best friiieeennndd.” I moan, biting down on my fist to try and keep quiet. “Why—why—whyy did it…did it get so…real?!”
I can’t believe how much it’s suddenly hurting. To be faced with the reality of it all.
I feel like we’ve ruined everything.
And I don’t even know what everything is, or was, or could have been anymore.
“Sweetie…it didn’t look like you were just friends. Not even just friends with benefits.” She says after a moment, still in that soft voice that could almost convince me those words might not shatter my whole world.
I moan again, dissolving into sobs as I finally hear out loud the thing that neither Josh nor I could bring ourselves to say.
The idea that maybe, somewhere along the way, we stopped being just friends.
In a way that we could never have gone back from.
“But—but—” I say, struggling with it. “I don’t know…don’t know that…it wasn’t real, Maria. He was just pretending, and—and I don’t even—and what if I don’t want to risk…to risk that? I don’t—I don’t know what I want, and—and he doesn’t want it either—and—”
I collapse in her arms, unable to talk anymore, and she just holds me for a long time.
Can’t take a risk without a three-hour conversation, a spreadsheet and a timetable to consult…
“And—and what if—what if he meant what he said?” I continue, pouring out all the poisonous thoughts that I haven’t been able to get out of my head.
Maria just lets me, murmuring nonsense comfort and stroking my back as I cry on the sofa with her for what feels like forever.
When I finally feel like I have nothing left - it’s all wrung out and done and I’m nothing but an empty husk inside - I take a deep gasping breath and look back at her.
Wanting her to tell me how to make it all better again.
But she doesn’t have an answer for me.
“I don’t know, sweetie.” She says, seeming to read the bleak hope in my expression. “I can’t work any of that out for you. But…it sounds like you want to.”
She leans forward kissing my forehead and hugging me close. “And you’ve always gone after everything you’ve wanted, Cassie. But I don’t think I’m the person you need to talk to.”
I shudder in her grip, holding her as tightly as she is me, and we don’t say anything for a long time.
I know she’s right. But the idea of talking to Josh…terrifies me right now. And there’s too much to think about.
I don’t want to throw away whatever we have left between us. I’m afraid I don’t know what I want. I’m afraid to get it wrong. And afraid that, whatever I say, it’ll end with me missing out on something I need vitally.
His friendship. His touch. His kiss.
When we finally break apart, I say my goodbyes to the rest of my family.
And then I drive home.
Alone.