Chapter Eleven
Cassie
As soon as I wake up the next morning, I realize what I’ve done.
I fucked my best friend.
That’s all it takes for panic to set in.
Very carefully, I detach myself from where he’s still sleeping beside me, sending furtive glances back to make sure I haven’t disturbed him.
When I finally make it out of the bed and gently replace the covers, I step back and shiver.
The room is still fucking cold.
And the piece-of-shit AC is still bumbling away, blaring more chilled air out at me.
I send it a glare, as if it’s the only reason I’m in this mess at all, and wrap my arms around myself as I dance on my toes.
Sometime last night, all those night clothes fell by the wayside and now I’m unmistakably bare.
Yes, when—
I force those images out of my mind and look back at Josh, his expression peaceful and smooth, with the hint of a smile curving his lips that I don’t even want to guess at.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
The reality of what we’ve done hits me like a tidal wave, and my heart sinks into my stomach.
He shifts, just a little, and that’s all I need to wake me up properly.
I flee to the bathroom, shutting the door as quietly as I can, and then slamming the lock.
I lean against it, goosebumps spreading across my body from the cold, and close my eyes.
It would be so much easier if the ground just swallowed me whole right now.
It doesn’t.
Instead I’m left wondering how long it will be until he wakes up. Until I have to meet his eyes, knowing what we did. Picturing it so vividly in my mind.
And knowing that…seeing him lying there this morning, one leg splayed out from under the covers, hair flopping down over his eyes…
All I wanted was to do it again.
I feel stretched and sore and used in all the best ways, and every time those images of last night flash before my eyes, I can feel the answering throb deep inside me. The need for his gorgeous, thick cock to fill me again.
If it was anyone else - anyone else - I’d call it an awesome night of sex, go around smiling smugly all day, and try and arrange for a second round sometime.
But it’s not.
It’s Josh.
And…I have no idea what that means.
This wasn’t supposed to happen.
We weren’t supposed to fuck for real.
Even if I’ve been thinking about it…more than I should.
Fuck it.
Reluctantly, I stumble over to the sink and finally splash some water on my face. It doesn’t quite wake me up from some crazy-improbable dream like I’m hoping, but it does remind me how fucking cold I am.
I shiver again, and then step into the shower, giving in to the idea that the day is going to continue either way, and I can’t hide in here forever.
The warm spray makes me sigh in relief, and as I wash I find my hand creeping lower, touching the puffy, sensitive folds of my pussy as my mind drifts back to last night.
It shouldn’t, and I shouldn’t let it. But I can’t help myself.
It was so fucking good.
Of course Josh had to actually be right about how fucking good he is in bed.
The idea of it has never been the slightest bit more than an amusement before, but for some reason this week has screwed with my mind.
And after last night…I have no idea how we can continue as if nothing has happened.
Or if you even want to continue as if nothing has happened.
I gasp a little as I push two fingers inside, a poor comparison to the thickness of his cock only hours earlier, but enough of a reminder to have me leaning back against the shower wall, my thumb circling my clit as I imagine the way he fucked me - a slow, infuriating build to something so deliciously hard, fast and rough that I can still feel it today.
The usual slow, sensual climb towards pleasure comes a lot faster this time, heat rushing through my body and my pussy clenching hard around my fingers as I finally let all the thoughts and feelings and sensations that I’d been pushing away overwhelm me and take me higher.
I bite my lip to keep from crying out as I imagine Josh kneeling before me in the shower, his tongue and fingers working me as I hold onto him, quivering with pent up lust and need.
Oh, fuck.
It all comes over me much quicker than I’d anticipated, the sudden rushing pleasure making me shake and shudder under the warm spray as my body tenses with my climax.
By the time my eyes open, I’m breathing raggedly and trying to calm my racing heartbeat, my head still spinning from how high I got so quickly.
It takes another few minutes before I can focus enough to finish in the shower, my body feeling slightly weak and not wanting to work properly.
I can feel my pussy aching and throbbing with the aftereffects, and as I rinse myself off, my mind wanders to the sight of Josh’s impressive cock far more than it should.
Well, that didn’t fix any of my problems.
In fact, it might have made them worse.
But I feel better anyway.
At least until I finally wrap a towel around my body and leave the safety of the bathroom - to find Josh leaning against the wall opposite, waiting for me.
I freeze, immediately wondering whether he’d heard me only moments ago. I was quiet, deliberately quiet, but still…
I feel myself flush all the way up to my ears, and hope to god that it’s covered by the pink tinge of my skin from the shower. Or that he just puts it down to what we did last night.
Yes, because that’s a good alternative.
I meet his gaze, and he smiles.
That same cocky smile I’ve seen so many times before.
The morning-after ‘I just got laid’ smile. The one that always told me what he’d been up to the night before.
The one we’d laughed about together.
My stomach twists, and suddenly all I can think about is all those girls. All the ones that came before me. And will come after.
And now you’re one of them.
The awkwardness that I’d just started to shake off a little comes rushing back, and I step away from the bathroom door without brushing past him.
His smile quirks up in the corner, and I swear I can see the amusement in his expression as he walks into the now-vacant bathroom.
Bastard.
I get dressed quickly as I hear the water start running in the bathroom, and then pace back and forward in the room, trying to calm down. I can’t tell whether I’m pissed off, embarrassed, horny or…what. But it’s not good.
And it doesn’t help that that smile is sexy as fuck, and there’s part of me that still wants to jump him.
I run my hands through my hair and glance at the bathroom doorway again.
We should have a proper conversation about this.
Work out what on earth just happened, what it means, and how the fuck it’s going to affect what we do in front of my family.
But for the first time I can remember, I feel awkward and uncomfortable around Josh. And I can’t even work out what I want, or how that conversation should end.
So I do the only thing I can think of. I decide to avoid it entirely.
I knock on the door on my way out, and call out to him.
“I’m going to breakfast early.”
I don’t bother explaining why. I’m sure it’s obvious. And anything I could say would only look worse.
Then I leave before he can respond.
The moment I’m out of our room, my whole body relaxes just a little, and I sigh with relief.
Part of it is the reassuring warmth of the hallway around me, but I’d be lying if I said it was the main reason.
Now just to get through…what, the day? The rest of the week?
I try to switch my mind off from the relentless thoughts - and the moment I arrive at breakfast, I find the perfect solution.
“Ellie! Lucas!” I give them a wide smile that doesn’t quite match the way I’m feeling, and they have the innocence to believe it.
I slide into the seat in between them both and smile briefly at Maria opposite before starting a rapt conversation with her two kids. I can see her looking slightly bemused, but she doesn’t question me, and after a few minutes of playing with their food and trying to encourage them to eat it, my mood starts to settle a little.
It’s always been like that for me. However I’m feeling, once I start focusing on caring for someone else, my own problems don’t seem to matter so much. Part of the reason I always wanted to be a doctor.
It’s not until Josh walks in and the conversation in the room ebbs that I look up from the slightly nonsensical discussion I’m having with Lucas.
Josh glances over at me, notices the full table around me - another benefit of being wedged in between Ellie and Lucas - and our eyes meet for a brief moment before I look away, turning back to the kids.
Another moment, and he finds a space at the other end of the table. I breathe a faint sigh of relief, and try to focus on exclaiming over the snap, crackle and pop! of Ellie’s cereal.
“Hey, have you two had a fight or something?” Beth’s voice from the other side of the table, directed at Josh but as loud and blunt as ever.
I can sense him looking over this way, and that pit in my stomach expands as I feel like everyone’s attention is on me. The last thing I want is for anyone to pick up on what’s going on - even if I was the one that abandoned Josh for my niece and nephew.
“I’d hardly call it a fight.” Josh says, and I wince at the irritation in his tone. “We’re just grumpy from spending the night in an ice-room. Should never have let a woman touch the AC.”
I blink, stopping mid-sentence as it takes me a moment to realize what the hell he’s talking about.
Of course.
Josh is, ever reliably, continuing our charade. The one where we’re supposed to fall out with each other and eventually break up.
Which just so happens to give us a perfect cover for barely talking to each other all day.
Ohh, thank god.
Relief overwhelms me and I think I could kiss him.
Except, of course, that’s how I got into this shit in the first place.
“Auntie Cassss?” Ellie asks, her brow furrowed. “Are you okay?”
I give her a weak smile and nod, trying not to listen to the rest of the conversation at the other end of the table, but catching it anyway.
“Ohhh, that must have been terrible. I don’t know how you coped, Josh.” A giggle from the far end of the table distracts me, and I glance over to see a girl - one of Beth’s friends, I think - rubbing Josh’s shoulder. “Though I know what I would’ve done to keep warm…”
My ears burn as I catch that comment, but the embarrassment is overwhelmed by a strange discomfort.
I’m pretty sure Josh is just playing the part we’ve planned. He doesn’t mean anything by the comments about the AC - he’s not actually irritated. And he’s never cared before about my piss-poor skills with technology.
But…for some reason, I’m suddenly not sure. The way they’re talking over there, as if I’m not even here…my stomach twists with a mixture of uneasiness and irritation.
And I don’t even know the girl he’s talking to - the one looking at him like that. I’m fairly sure I’m being irrational, but I don’t like seeing her beside Josh.
I don’t even know her, and I’ve got no idea why she’s still here. Beth’s party ended two days ago and all the other guests have left by now.
“Are you okay, Cassie?” Maria’s question is quieter than her daughter’s, but obviously concerned as she looks at me.
I turn back to Maria and her kids with a start, embarrassed to have been caught in my distraction.
“Yeah…” I say, knowing I’m not convincing, but okay with giving that impression. “Yeah, it’s fine. Just…one of those things.”
I shrug and give a half-smile, reaching over to squeeze her hand. She frowns, and glances back towards where Josh and mystery-girl are still discussing my failings.
“You know, you can always talk—”
My Mom stands up and waves her arms around in an obvious attempt to get attention, cutting Maria’s comment off. I give her a reassuring smile anyway, grateful for the interruption. Telling Maria more about the ‘issues’ Josh and I might be having would probably be useful, but I’m not sure I’m in a fit state for it right now.
“Okay, everyone.” Mom starts. “So, since the weather is so nice today—”
“It’s been nice every day, hasn’t it?” Beth interrupts, and Mom sends a scowl her way for a moment.
“Well, yes, okay. But we have a bit of time today, and everyone is around—” That comment prompts another scowl in my direction, probably for our unauthorized disappearance yesterday. “—we thought we should visit that old lake we used to, remember kids? Henry and I brought the kayaks, too, and with John’s Jeep, we have enough off-road trucks to take everything down. What do you think?”
She beams at us, and I actually smile back. For once, it’s actually a great idea.
It gets an enthusiastic response from everyone else too - and a couple of squeals from Ellie and Lucas after John whispers a translation to them.
That ends breakfast pretty quickly, and we all rush to get organized.
John joins us as we head back to our room, promising to look at the AC, and finally works out how to shut the damn thing off while Josh and I gather swimwear, towels and everything else I can think of, with as little discussion as possible.
I think at first that it might be part of the act, but our unusual silence persists even after John leaves and we’re alone together again.
Either he’s worked out that I don’t feel ready to talk about what happened, or he doesn’t have a clue what to say too.
He doesn’t seem quite as uncomfortable as me, but he’s not trying to bridge the gap that’s opened between us either - or touch me the way he has the last few days.
I try really hard to ignore the part of me that’s missing that.
* * *
I lean back on the blanket and look up at the stunning blue sky, breathing deeply.
I love it out here. I always have.
Ellie and Lucas are running around giggling and playing, and the rest of my family is either eating or already lying around comatose after over indulging in the picnic Maria threw together.
And for once, everyone even seems to be getting on.
Apart from Josh and I, of course.
I glance up, looking for him, and my eyes land on him right away.
Leaning against a tree just a few meters away, reading a dog-eared copy of Hamlet and looking for all the world like a sexy English professor. The kind I could easily picture getting stern for a moment over some misconception about his beloved literature - and then laughing at renewed understanding the next, eyes shining and tousled hair bouncing over his firm brow.
For fuck’s sake. Stop it.
I try to chastise myself, but I can’t even help it anymore. After last night…I can’t get the thoughts out of my head.
I glance away before he notices the attention - or my reaction becomes even more dangerous, sitting here surrounded by my family.
I try and watch the water instead, to distract me, and relax a little as it starts working.
I’ve always found it calming here, the slight breeze emphasizing the current of the large body of water. We call it a lake because it’s calm and large enough that it could almost be one, but it’s got a river feeding it from the slight incline further into the trees, and further down, it ends in a small fall over the crest of the pasture we’re sitting on.
We’ve been coming here ever since I can remember, and just thinking about that makes me smile and takes me back.
Learning to skim stones with mockery-disguised-as-lessons from Mark. Trying to build a dam - yes, across the whole damn lake - and falling in with Maria. Even playing at pirates with Beth, back when she was cute and sweet and far less insufferable.
I turn back to our little gathering, those memories on the tip of my tongue and wanting to share them…with the same person I always have.
Josh. My friend.
I look over at him again, and for once the idea of interrupting his book-born reverie with whatever bubbly thought occurs to me seems impossible.
The urge dies as quickly as it was formed, and I sigh instead, picking at the grass to the side of me and reaching for another chip.
I just don’t know how to relate to him. As a friend, a fake girlfriend or…as whatever we were last night. None of it makes sense, and I don’t even know how to begin to approach it.
Every time I think I have a handle on how I feel, and that I could go up to him, smile and be any semblance of normal, the same thing pulses through my head.
This is Josh…who you’re attracted to.
And I can’t reconcile those two separate ideas at all.
“Cassie?”
I glance up to see concern all over Maria’s expression as she looks between Josh and I.
I just shrug, trying to indicate that my current turmoil as I try to work out what Josh really is to me now is just one of those things.
“I was just thinking about all the things we used to do, coming here.” I say, trying to deflect her question.
But then Mark joins in enthusiastically, and my smile turns more genuine. He nudges Anne with the same instinct I had to share with Josh, and then the four of us start telling stupid stories about when we were kids.
It’s a fun distraction from the endless circling thoughts about Josh, and after a while I actually start to relax and enjoy myself again. I haven’t caught up with Maria and Mark like this for a long time.
That ease lasts until Lucas and Ellie start jumping around Maria, tugging and chattering about how their Daddy is taking them out on the water. She looks up, startled, and John gives her a wry smile as he comes behind the children.
“Figured it was the only way to shut them up.” He squeezes her shoulder. “Don’t worry, they’ll be fine - they’re old enough now. I’ll take them out together on the double kayak, and you can take a few pics from here.”
She looks between them all, before resignation crosses her face.
“Okay, okay.” She says, giving John an even look as the kids yell excitedly. “But be careful.”
He smiles gently back at her, leans in for a kiss, and then turns towards the kayaks strapped to the truck.
“We’ve got a single too, if anyone’s interested.” He adds, looking around at us all. “I can help take it down to the water.”
“You can relive all those childhood memories.” Mark nudges me, and I think about all the times he convinced me to play ‘capsize’.
“Not today, I think.” I shake my head with a smile. “Mark?”
I love the water, but I’m feeling too sorry for myself to volunteer for a round of physical activity.
“Nah, thanks mate.” He shrugs. “I think I’ll stay here with Cassie.”
That catches at my attention, and I send him a suspicious look.
With Cassie.
Not just here. Or even with Anne.
What does he mean by that?
I’m about to ask, when Josh interrupts us. “I’ll take the second, if no one else wants it. Haven’t been kayaking in years.”
Our heads swivel to where he’s standing and stretching, looking over at us, and then John nods.
“Yeah, sure.” He gestures for Josh to follow and then walks away towards the trucks, the kids jumping around his feet.
That’s all it takes to remind me that he exists, and I get another uncomfortable pang as I look over at them working the kayaks free.
I’m not sure whether he asked because he really wants to get out on the lake, or just to put some more space between us, but either way I’m glad for it. It’s easier not to be close enough that we could be making conversation - if he’s not a few meters away, it’ll feel less like we’re actively ignoring each other.
“I think…I might go watch from the shore.” Maria says, as they settle the kayaks down on the water, and John pushes Josh off. “I’ll get better pictures there.”
Anne glances over at her. “It’s the first time they’ve done it?”
“Yeah.” She laughs, and fishes her camera out of her bag. “Not that I’m nervous or anything.”
Anne gives her a sympathetic smile and starts maneuvering her ungainly form to rise as well. “I’ll come and join you - I could use the walk anyway.”
“Oh, okay. Thank you.” Maria helps her up, and they start walking slowly down towards the water’s edge.
Then it’s just Mark and I sitting together, and I can tell I’m holding my breath, waiting for something. Beth and Neil disappeared shortly after we arrived, Nikki went with them as soon as Josh made it clear that he was only interested in his play, and my Mom and Dad have gone for a walk around the lake.
But we just sit there in silence for a while, sharing chips and watching as the kids get decked out in lifejackets that dwarf them and John tries to calm them down enough to get them to sit still in the kayak.
I’m trying not to look at Josh already on the water, and halfway across the lake now. Even from this distance, I can see the sun glinting off his sculpted abs, the warm strength of his body as he cuts the paddle through the water with the same skill he—
I force myself to break the thought off, even if I can’t seem to take my eyes away from him for too long. This far away, there’s no way he’d be able to tell I’m staring.
Except, I forget that Mark can.
“So, how are things going with you and Josh?” He eventually asks. “You both seem a little…tense…today.”
I sigh, having expected it but still no happier about him finally bringing it up.
“I don’t really want to talk about it.” I say.
That’s the truth, at least, since there’s no way I can explain to Mark the exact difficulties I’m having right now. And it gives the right things aren’t so good message, anyway.
“Yeah, I get that. None of us have ever been good at all that.” He shrugs, but I can feel his gaze on me as he seems to consider his next words. “D’you mind if I say a few things anyway? Just to think about?”
Yes, I mind.
But I don’t quite say it. At least he asked - I don’t think anyone else in our family would’ve. And I remember a time when we used to be quite close.
Instead I give him a narrow look. “What if I say ‘yes’?”
“Then we’ll change the topic.” He grins easily back at me. “And I’ll try to find a way to slip them in anyway.”
I laugh, not expecting that.
“Okay, okay…at least you’re honest.” I look back out to the water, waiting for him to start.
It’s tempting to take the change the topic option, but if I’m going to have to listen to this anyway, it might as well be now.
Besides, the part of my mind that sounds an awful lot like Josh reminds me, it’ll tell you more about what we can use for our break up…
Our break up.
The thought echoes in my mind, and I shiver slightly, even though the wind from the lake is only mild and pleasant.
“It’s your life, Cassie, and you know I’ve always thought you should live it how you want to. But…we’re a little worried that you might get caught up in something you don’t actually want—”
“We?” I jump on that immediately.
It’s not like I don’t know that they’ve been talking about me, but I still find the confirmation irritating as fuck.
He sighs. “Maria and I. We’re just concerned, Cassie, that’s all. We want what’s best for you.”
I blink, actually surprised it’s just them. I was expecting my Mom to have her unending input as well.
“And you don’t think Josh is what’s best for me.” I come out and say it. I’ve never liked trying to talk in hints and muted understandings.
To my surprise, he actually takes my hand, and that forces me to look over at him.
“It’s not that. Not exactly. If you think he’s the right person…then only you can know that. But we’re not sure you’ve really thought about what life might look like with this guy.” He says.
I raise an eyebrow, continuing the charade, but I’m starting to feel uncomfortable. Mark seems so…genuine. And like he’s trying so hard.
“I know how much you want to be a doctor, Cassie, and it’s already obvious you’re going to have an amazing career. But…there’s a difference between a supportive partner, and someone who wants to rely on that income. Please don’t let yourself be taken advantage of like that.”
I frown at him, confused more than anything. “What makes you think Josh is like that?”
What’s he been saying that we haven’t talked about?
It’s not so much that he’s come up with more reasons for my family to dislike him, but that we’re meant to be working together on this.
Mark looks awkward now. “Well, he said something. At Beth’s party. I guess you were too—you don’t remember.”
“What did he say?” I’m curious now, and actually have to make an effort to seem concerned.
“Mom asked if he was concerned that your career might get in the way of…things—”
“Of course she did.” I mutter.
I vaguely remember her accosting me with something similar at several points that night.
“And he just said how thrilled he was that you’d be taking care of him while he tries to get his acting career off the ground.” Mark’s lip curls in faint disgust, but I just burst out laughing.
I can’t help myself.
“Oh god…did he really?” I ask, feeling thrilled myself.
I can just imagine the look on Mom’s face. She must have been dying inside.
“Cassie, c’mon.” He turns annoyed. “It’s not actually funny—”
I laugh again, shaking my head. “It really is, Mark.”
I glance over towards Josh with a renewed burst of appreciation.
“Hey, listen.” He squeezes my hand again, and after a few moments I give in and force myself to listen, but I’m still smiling. “I get it, you know. After…everything here, having someone who thinks like that way and wants you to be a doctor might seem amazing. But…look, just think about it for me, okay? I…it’s not always easy being the only person supporting the family, you know. That sort of pressure, responsibility, feeling like it’s all on you…sometimes it’s hard as fuck, and then you can’t help wondering how it would be different, if maybe, your partner was a little more of a partner. You’re great at what you do, Cassie. But you might not want that kind of life.”
My smile fades, and I watch as his eyes flick unwittingly towards Anne, standing with Maria and watching the kids.
Ohh…shit.
I’ve always looked up to Mark. He has a great job, the sort of ambition I’ve always mirrored, and now he’s got where he wants to be and is stable enough to start and support a family. But we all know that Anne left college straight after marrying him, and hasn’t worked a day in her life.
I’d just…never thought he might have wanted something else.
“Mark…is everything okay with you?” I finally ask.
“Yeah, it’s fine. Things are good, and I wouldn’t change Anne or the little one inside her for anything in the world.” He shrugs and gives me another smile. “But it’s hard sometimes, that’s all. And I didn’t really think about it, before it happened. So I just want to make sure that you do.”
I swallow, feeling suddenly guilty.
As much as I struggle to get on with my family sometimes, Mark has always been supportive, and it’s obvious how much he cares. He’s here, opening up about all this personal stuff…while everything he’s worried about is a lie.
I look away, ashamed and wondering whether this whole thing was a stupid, fucked-up mistake.
My eyes gravitate to where Josh is lying out on the kayak now, looking up at the sky, and that feeling redoubles.
If I’ve wrecked our friendship too…
“Maria—” Mark starts up again, mistaking my avoidance for something else. “Last thing, really, but I promised I’d mention it. I know how you feel about us talking about you having kids, and that you’ve never been sure exactly what you want—”
I’ve always wanted kids.
I think it, but I don’t say it. I do know what I want. My family has just never taken not now the right way.
“—but we’re worried you might be pressured into something you don’t want, before you’ve had a chance to think about it properly. Josh…seems pretty certain, and it can be easy to think these things don’t matter when you really care about someone. But they do, Cassie. And he seems very reluctant to give you the time and space to decide for yourself.”
That was what I’d expected him to open with, but it doesn’t make it any easier to hear. I’m still staring at the water, at my best friend lying there as if he has no concerns in the world.
Taking advantage of me. Pressuring me into giving up kids. No good, lazy, self-centered bastard.
It’s the image he’d been aiming for. It’s what we wanted them to think. And he’s succeeding spectacularly.
But I can’t help feeling it’s unfair. Especially after Mark was so open with me…the idea of him thinking all those things of Josh…it’s almost painful.
“I think…Josh is a better man than you know.” I say quietly, instead.
I can’t help wanting to defend him.
At the worst, it’ll fit with the image of how devastated I’m going to be when he breaks up with me.
Not that I really want to think about that, all of a sudden.
Mark doesn’t say anything, but I can tell it’s not what he wanted to hear. We both stare off towards the water for what feels like a long time, before he finally turns back to me.
“Cassie…” He rests a hand on my shoulder, and when I look up I realize that this is the most awkward I’ve seen him.
I frown, turning towards him too, until we’re facing each other and he’s not quite meeting my eyes.
“I…don’t really know how to say this. But I think there’s something you should know—”
He’s cut off by a sudden scream from the water - not the squealing and laughter the kids have been making the whole time, but something more.
We both turn towards it as one, and John’s harsh shout comes almost on top of it.
I jump up, trying to see what’s happening, and see Lucas flailing about in the water. It takes a moment to realize it’s not him screaming - it’s Maria.
Fuck.
Mark and I take off towards the shore at a breakneck pace, and as we get closer I realize the damned stupid boy doesn’t have his life jacket on.
The only thing supporting his frenzied splashing are a couple of floaties that look liable to slip off at any moment. The lake doesn’t have much of a current, but the wind skimming the surface is making it rough enough that it keeps splashing over his head.
John is desperately battling with the paddle to turn the kayak back towards him, trying to keep Ellie lodged between his legs while she’s crying and reaching out for her brother. If it weren’t for her, he’d probably already be in the water after Lucas, and my gut clenches as I think of how hard that decision must be to make.
Maria’s wading into the water, but she’s almost hysterical, they’re in the middle of the lake and there’s no chance—
A crash from further down the lake has me looking up, only to see Josh’s empty kayak and paddle floating on the water. My eyes dart around, looking for him, and I eventually find him cutting through the water in a direct line towards Lucas.
My heart rises into my throat, and I reach the edge of the water with Mark to realize there’s still absolutely nothing we can do now that we’re here. Josh isn’t close, but he’s moving faster than I would’ve guessed, and I can hear Lucas’s intermittent crying and spluttering as he starts to panic now.
My gaze darts between them both, and Mark grabs my hand, both of us gripping the other hard as Josh gets closer.
Oh, please…
One of Lucas’s floaties slips off with his desperate thrashing, and then he goes under. Maria screams again, and he surfaces a moment later, battling hard with the water and looking absolutely terrified.
Then Josh is there.
He grabs hold of Lucas and twists so that he’s swimming on his back, Lucas supported on top of him and held with Josh’s hands under his arms. Josh kicks hard, propelling them both toward where we’re waiting with just his feet, and I have a moment to stare in shock at how effortlessly he’s handling this. It looks like he’s done it before.
“Has he done that before?” Mark nudges me, in an almost exact echo of my own thoughts.
“I have no idea.” I say, the honest truth. Not anytime I’ve been with him, and we’ve certainly never talked about anything like this.
But then it’s not the sort of thing to randomly come up.
They’re with us a few minutes later, Josh standing as soon as it’s shallow enough and wading over to where Maria is standing waist-deep.
She clutches Lucas to her, sobbing loudly, but manages to turn and head in our direction, calling out for me.
It’s not until I hear my name that I remember I’m training to be a doctor.
I’m meant to be helping, not standing around staring in shock and horror.
I shake myself, and as soon as Maria has lowered Lucas to the ground, I start trying to look him over.
It’s hard as hell, because he’s coughing and spluttering and crying out for his Mom - but that’s probably the best sign I could get anyway.
John is only a moment behind us, grounding the kayak on the shore with a crash and jumping out of it, handing Ellie over to a still-shocked Anne before falling to his knees beside me.
“It’s okay…it’s okay…” I repeat, trying to sound self-assured and confident, when my own terror is still painful and sharp inside me.
It is going to be okay. I can tell that much already. But…fuck. It still doesn’t feel like it.
I help Lucas cough and retch up the rest of the water in his system, holding him and rubbing his back. Maria could probably have easily done the same, but I know the fact that I’m almost-qualified makes her feel better about it.
After that’s done, though, there’s nothing that could keep Lucas away from Maria’s arms. He clings to her and sobs and shakes and she rocks him back and forth, still shaking herself.
“I’m sorry…I’m sorry…” He wails it over and over again, hiccuping and sobbing.
It twists at my heart as I stand up and step back, letting John get close to both of them.
I stand there staring painfully for a long, long moment, still shocked and on the brink of tears myself.
When I finally realize that I haven’t moved, I take a few painful breaths and stumble away from them, not wanting to interfere. To the side, Mark and Anne are comforting Ellie and each other, and I hesitate to intrude on them, either.
Instead, I walk a little way up from the shore, starting to shake myself now.
It isn’t until I glance up that I see Josh there, looking back at me. His chest is still rising and falling harshly from the swim, and he’s completely soaked, but my breath catches in my throat at the sight of him.
I bite my lip, too many emotions to register crashing through me, feeling helpless and vulnerable.
He just opens his arms, and then I’m there, right there.
As safe and protected as Lucas was.
Josh’s arms wrapped around me, squeezing me tight and holding me close. He’s the one that actually did anything here, but he’s murmuring in my ear anyway, telling me it’s alright, that it’s okay.
I cling to him unashamedly, more relieved than I can possibly express that he’s right here with me. That I have Josh, whether he’s my friend or fake boyfriend or one-time lover.
That he’s here and everything will be okay.
I finally break down sobbing myself, the shock and terror of what might have happened to my nephew…to the kid I love more than I can say…all of it finally overwhelming me.
And with Josh, I can do that. He rides the storm with me, rubbing my back, kissing my temple, the edges of my eyes, my cheeks…
Until his mouth hovers over my lips.
And I push up.
I want it. I want him. More than I want to think about right now.
He takes my mouth in his, kissing me with an urgency and passion that I’d been scared had been all in my head.
I melt into him, my whole body surrendering to his strength. Using more than just his physical presence to bolster my own.
I kiss him until I’m struggling for breath. Until I can taste the salt of my tears in between us. Until my head feels light and I see stars and I finally feel that actually, things might be okay.
“I’m so glad you were here.” I finally say, my voice soft, as we break the kiss.
He squeezes me closer in response, his chin resting against my head, and I bury myself into his chest.
Happier than I could have imagined that the uncomfortable silence between us has broken.
And I have Josh back.
Whatever Josh is to me now.