Chapter Four
Leah
“Did you sneak in here or something?” Alistair asks me, following my gaze back to the trolley of cleaning supplies that I’m not sure whether to just leave. “You’re not even meant to be able to do that - no one cleans in here during the day.”
“I waited until your secretary took a bathroom break. No one notices you if you’re walking around with one of those.” I nod towards the trolley with a small smile.
“You know, most people would’ve just walked up to the desk and asked to see me.” Alistair says, amusement in his voice as he grabs his jacket from the elegant stand near the door, not letting go of my arm as he does.
Which gives me butterflies again, damn it. I’m not supposed to feel this way. It’s been years. Simply touching him shouldn’t affect me like this.
I’d forgotten how infuriatingly charming he can be.
When he wants to be.
“I tried that.” I say, trying to focus on what we’re talking about and not what he’s doing to me right now. “Apparently I’m not the kind of girl you’d date.”
“Wait, what?” Alistair stops just before the door, his expression darkening.
“Yep. If this hadn’t worked, my next great plan was to try and stalk you from outside the office. Girl could’ve at least taken a message.” I give him a quick grin, and then reach to pull his office door open myself.
He recovers quickly enough to step with me, and I can’t deny it feels good when we walk past his secretary’s desk and I see her expression slacken, her mouth opening slightly as she sees me on Alistair’s arm.
It’s petty, but I just about resist making a snarky comment, settling for looking her up and down with a sweet smile.
“Get your things together and go.” Alistair’s sharp tone takes me by surprise, and I twist to look up at him, seeing the far less forgiving expression on his face. “I want you out of the building by the time I get back.”
I stare at him, my little moment of enjoyment turning sour immediately. It’s one thing to be tempted to make a smug comment to someone who was so obviously looking down on me earlier, but…fuck. Firing her?!
Alistair didn’t even stop walking, and his momentum carries me a few paces before I stumble to a stop.
“Alistair!” I hiss at him, glancing back surreptitiously at the shell-shocked expression on the girl’s face. “You can’t—just do that. What the hell?!”
He looks at me, blinking as if he doesn’t see the problem.
Maybe he doesn’t.
Maybe firing people for no reason is just normal to him.
The typical rich, powerful asshole with no awareness of how much something like that can screw up a person’s life. But as someone who is far more accustomed to being on the other end of that kind of shitty treatment, the idea makes me feel a little nauseous.
I shift almost unconsciously, putting a little distance between us, the flickers of lust that had been stirring earlier disappearing entirely.
This is why you—
“Oh c’mon, relax Leah.” He gives a quick laugh, obviously not understanding my sudden change of mood. “She’s a temp - she was going to be gone at the end of the day anyway. So what if it was a little quicker? I doubt I’m coming back here after lunch now, and maybe doing it this way will make her think a little more carefully about how she screens visitors.”
I frown up at him, not convinced.
Hearing that he didn’t really fire her takes some of the tension out of me, but even so…
It’s a good reminder of how different we are. Why things didn’t work out. Why things never would work out.
If he wants to see Maddie…know Maddie…well, it makes my stomach flip in a dozen directions at once, but…my baby girl deserves that, even if I’m not quite ready to believe him. Not yet.
But I need to remember that’s what this is about. Maddie. Just her.
Not me.
“Okay?” He asks, after I glance back once more.
I let out a long breath before finally nodding.
“I guess.” I say with a shrug.
I’m not sure how okay it actually is, but it’s not enough for me to pick a fight over.
He sighs, raising an eyebrow at me. “If it really bothers you, I can go back and—”
“No, leave it.” I say, suddenly feeling awkward about the whole thing. “Let’s just go.”
The last thing I want to do is interfere in any of that, it’s just…just…I’m not even sure.
He pauses, giving me a long look before finally nodding and turning back to continue walking towards the elevators.
It doesn’t even matter. His business stuff is up to him. Nothing to do with you.
So why the hell is part of me looking to see if he’s different from some of the things I remember?
“So Meredith is still around, then?” I ask, as the elevator doors ping open. “I liked her.”
I’m blatantly trying to change the subject and get past that moment of awkwardness between us, but if we’re going to do this…we at least need to work out how to be civil to each other, right?
He smiles back at me, a self-deprecating twist to it that immediately makes him seem endearing again.
Damn it.
“Hell yes, she’s still around. Not sure what the fuck I’d do if she wasn’t - the last two weeks have been difficult enough.”
“Where is she?”
“Holiday.” He mutters it begrudgingly, as if mortally offended by the idea.
It makes me laugh, and I catch myself, surprised at how quickly the atmosphere can shift between us.
I find myself leaning back into him as the elevator whizzes down the outrageous number of floors in this building. My stomach drops with the speed of the movement, and I tell myself that that’s all I’m feeling. No butterflies. Just gravity.
Then something else suddenly occurs to me, and I squint up at him as the elevator doors open, suspicious.
“What did you mean you weren’t coming back here after lunch? I’m not sure what you think is going happen, but you promised me this was just—”
I’m cut off by his sudden laugh, and he shakes his head as he glances down at me with amusement. “I wasn’t thinking anything like that, Leah…though if your mind is going there, well, I’m not sure I’d say—”
“It was not going anywhere.” I interrupt emphatically. “I just know what you’re like.”
No, I wasn’t thinking anything like that myself. Definitely not.
“If you say so, baby.” He drawls it, infuriating me deliberately as he winks. Then his expression finally turns serious. “I just meant I don’t think I can work later today. Not after…that kind of news.”
That’s all it takes for those subtle undercurrents between us to dampen again, as the enormity of what I’ve just told him hits us both again.
Maddie.
“Oh…of course.” I nod, my voice trailing off.
The silence spreads between us as we walk towards one of the cafes not far from his office, but it’s not uncomfortable. Just heavy with the weight of everything we need to think about…everything this might mean. I’m surprised he even wanted to have this casual lunch, after something like that, and really, I probably should have said no.
But…it’s been a long time.
And I didn’t say no.
“I thought I saw you in here earlier.” Alistair says as he holds the door for me. He always was a gentleman about things like that. “Made me think I was going crazy, but I guess you really were around, huh?”
“Yeah, I was in here earlier.” I return his small smile, and shrug. “Looking for the courage to actually walk into your office.”
“If it’s liquid courage you wanted…I’m not sure coffee would be my go-to, baby.” He grins at me and I quirk a quick smile back.
I didn’t actually buy anything, and remembering that awkwardness when I’d seen the prices here and known I was going to end up hanging around, then walking right back out again…
I try and shrug it off.
But I’m not sure I like being somewhere that I wouldn’t be able to pay for myself.
Which is…just about everywhere.
Eating out has not even registered on my priority list, for years.
I dismiss the feeling as a pride thing, and look back at Alistair to see him smiling at me. I can accept a lunch from him. No big deal.
“I’m glad you did find the courage, Leah.” He says softly.
Before I get a chance to reply - or even work out how to respond to that - he’s leading us to a table in front of one of the full-length glass walls.
I didn’t think it was table service here, but the moment we sit down, someone comes over to offer us water and give us menus.
That distracts us for a few minutes, and I try to ignore the prices as I look at the different options, my stomach starting to gurgle in appreciation at the idea of a little decadence.
“Do you know what you want?” He finally asks, and I nod.
That’s all it takes for a waitress to appear at my elbow, and I start getting the suspicion that we’re getting a little more attention than is normal - from the cafe and the rest of its customers. I look back at Alistair, but it doesn’t seem like he’s noticed anything.
Right. Normal stuff for the super-rich.
Somehow, I’d forgotten that side-effect. Though it seems far more pronounced now than I ever remember it.
“What is it?” Alistair asks, after we’ve ordered our sandwiches and coffees and I can’t stop looking around uneasily.
“I just…” I lean forward a little, glancing around the small room and feeling like I’m being ridiculous. “It just feels like people keep looking at us.”
“Oh…yeah.” He coughs a little, somehow managing to look a little embarrassed before irritation crosses his features, and he glares around the room. “Those fucking interviews I did. Ever since then…people have been paying a little more attention than I’d like.”
“The ones on TV?” I ask.
“Yeah - and magazines, and flash news, and…ugh, believe me, that’s the last thing I want to talk about right now.”
“I didn’t think it seemed like you - to do stuff like that.” I can’t help the small smile that comes to my face.
I’m not sure whether it’s because I find his familiar attitude amusing, or I’m secretly pleased that I was right about that.
“It isn’t.” He grimaces. “And it was a mistake. But since the company went public, things have been a little different, and we’re trying new things. This one is not what I’d call a success.”
“It seemed pretty successful to me - you certainly had the interviewer drooling over you.” I give him an amused look, but find myself regretting the comment almost immediately.
Now I’m wondering about whether they slept together again.
And why I even care.
“It’s left me with media stalkers and—wait, you saw it?”
“Err…yeah.” I admit, wondering whether he thinks I’m stalking him or something. “It just came on. It was…strange, seeing you after so long, and I was curious…”
“Well.” He says, and his irritated expression smooths into a little smile. The kind I remember so well. The secretive, special one that was all for me. “Maybe it wasn’t all bad, then.”
I can’t help it. I blush, and my eyes skid away from his as I try not to linger on that too long.
I don’t want to work out what he means by it.
Our coffee arrives a moment later, and I let out a small breath of relief at the natural interruption.
Once the waitress disappears again though, we’re left looking at each other over our unnecessarily fancy coffees, and all I can think about is how we used to do this casually…but that was so long ago now. Everything has changed.
And I have no idea what to say to him.
He seems to have the same problem, because for a long moment we just play with the too-hot-to-drink coffee and try to sneak glances at each other.
So stupid. It’s like I’m back in college or something.
But there’s just…so much that’s happened…
Too much in between us, and nothing at all.
“So…how’ve you been, Leah?” Alistair finally asks, and it’s impossible to escape the feeling that those strong, gray eyes are looking right into me.
I shrug a little.
What can I say?
It’s been hard and crap and I’ve barely scraped by? My family abandoned me, and I’ve been raising your daughter on two dead-end jobs, cheap food and in a tired, cramped apartment?
Yeah, no thanks.
“I’ve been okay.” I say instead. It’s not like he really wants to know, anyway. “How about you?”
Except I don’t want to ask that either - I know what he’s been up to.
Strings of women, high class parties, booze and drugs, I imagine. All while launching his business empire and making the kind of fortune in his sleep that I probably wouldn’t even be able to imagine.
“Not much, I guess. Just work - you know, the same stuff as before. All work, not much else. Nothing’s really changed for me.”
I can’t help it, I raise an eyebrow.
Sure, his version of everything he’s accomplished is ‘not much’. Of course that’s what Alistair Sinclair would think. Nothing was ever quite enough for him.
“Just work?” I ask instead. “I don’t remember it ever being like that for you - you never seemed to have a problem with all work back then.”
“Yeah, that’s true.” He shrugs, glancing down at his coffee before meeting my eyes again, and the sparkle there catches me for a moment. “Though I remember a few well-timed breaks.”
“Hm.”
I give a decided non-answer, refusing to play that game - even if his words bring back more than I want to admit to.
Which was no doubt his aim in the first place. Damn guy can’t switch off seduction for anything.
“But hey, maybe I’m changing.” He says, his tone lighter now as he gives me a flash of a smile. “I was even thinking just this morning that maybe I needed a holiday.”
“A holiday? You? That is extreme.” I tease, his comment getting a reluctant smile out of me.
But then we’re back to just looking at each other, the conversation lapsing again.
“Where were you thinking of going?” I finally ask, before that starts bothering me again.
Except I don’t want to do small talk either. It’s fake and stupid, and it’s not like we’re casual acquaintances or something.
“I hadn’t exactly got that far - it was just a passing thought.”
“Oh, okay.”
Silence. Again.
Damn it.
What the hell are we even doing here?
Fuck it. That’s the only question that makes any damn sense. So I go right ahead and ask it.
“Alistair…what are we doing here? Why are we…doing this?” I gesture vaguely at the cafe around us. “I have no idea what to say to you. It’s been too long, and there’s too much…what do we even have to talk about with each other?”
He looks at me for a long moment, as if he hadn’t noticed the uncomfortable silences at all, and I almost think there’s a hint of sadness in those those deep, gray eyes.
Then his expression shifts, and that idea disappears as he leans forward and smiles invitingly at me.
“Tell me about Maddie?” It’s not quite a question, and I’m surprised at the quiet yearning there.
It makes my stomach twist, but…not in a bad way. Instead, I can’t help but smile back.
He’s right about that - the one common thread still binding us.
And, let’s be honest, Maddie is my life. I’m not sure I’ve ever passed up an opportunity to talk about her.
So I do as he asks.
I start talking about her. My daughter.
Our daughter.
I have no idea where to start, so I just dive in at the middle, with anything that comes to mind.
And when he just sits and listens, watching me with an awed expression and his eyes lighting up at what I say, it slowly becomes easier.
I tell him the funny stories first.
The time she climbed into the toilet and got stuck after refusing to use the ‘little girl’s potty’. The phase that drove me crazy during her terrible twos where she was taking her clothes off everywhere and anywhere - grocery stores, public parks, you name it. And her habit of over-sharing what I’ve been doing with anyone who’ll listen - the moment she announced with a giggle to the store clerk that ‘We’re buying things to help Mommy’s diarrhea - there was soo much poop this morning and it went everywhere…’ was the one time I really started questioning my decision to always give her a real answer to a question.
Our food arrives just as I’m finishing that one, and I don’t miss the look I get from the waitress as I quote my little girl.
Sure, if Maddie isn’t here, you can embarrass yourself easily enough…
I don’t care though. All those fraught, hectic, difficult moments of wondering what the hell I’m doing seem better now that I can laugh about them with someone.
And Alistair is the perfect audience - smiling and laughing at all the right moments, squeezing my hand appreciatively halfway through. And I can tell he wants to know. With anyone else, there’s always an obvious point where you realize they’re done listening to you talk about your kid, but with him…
Maybe it’s stupid, and maybe it’s far too early to say, but it already seems like he’s got the kind of interest that only…well, that only her father would.
Don’t go there.
But it’s hard not to think that way when I see his eyes gleaming like this. I’m not sure I’ve ever quite seen Alistair - the Alistair I knew - like this.
Still, I cut the stories about poop short - my god, do I have more than anyone would ever want to hear - as we start eating our sandwiches. Instead, I tell him other things…little things about Maddie now, instead of just the mayhem she’s caused me so far.
I tell him that she’s clever and funny and curious. I catch myself just before I start mentioning the little things I’ve noticed - that she’s got his eyes, that she gets the same serious expression as he does sometimes, and has the same stubborn determination. Or, hell, maybe that comes from both of us. But I’m grateful that he doesn’t ask - he doesn’t make it awkward. He just lets me talk.
It’s mostly sentimental, stupid stuff - but somehow, as we’re speaking, I feel like he’s the one person who won’t be inwardly rolling their eyes at yet another proud Mom talking about the ways their kid is special.
I leave out the things I don’t want to admit to him, not yet - maybe not ever.
The kind of life we’ve been living.
The sort of places I’ve taken her, the things she’s seen in her brief four years that I’d rather she didn’t have to.
The way she worries about me.
It’s silly, maybe, but I’ve spent so long trying to be a good Mom - that’s all I have now - and I’m not ready to tell my kid’s father the small ways I’ve failed. Especially not when they’re all ways that he - and a little bit of money - could’ve fixed in an instant.
And that’ll be his first question.
Why didn’t you come to me? Why did you put our kid through that?
I try to shrug off that feeling, and for the most part, I succeed.
And I enjoy the lunch far more than I’d expected. By the time we’re done with our sandwiches and coffees, and I’ve refused his offer of a third cup several times over, I feel warm and comfortable around him again.
Different from how it used to be, of course, but still…he was right. We can talk again. We can be friendly.
It’s a nice feeling.
I don’t know where this is going to go, and I keep telling myself that it’s far too soon to expect anything. I don’t know what Alistair may think in the end - this is all new, it’s a shock, he might meet Maddie and decide it’s all too much. And I need to protect her more than anything.
But…this has gone better than I’d ever imagined.
And if we can get on, even just a little, then maybe we can find a way to give Maddie everything she should have.
A Mommy and a Daddy. And a better lifestyle than just Mommy can offer.
We’ll see.
“Thanks for this, Alistair.” I finally say, and I mean it. “It’s been…really nice, just to talk.”
He smiles, openly and genuine. No games. No artifice. And my heart squeezes in response.
“It’s been…perfect, just to hear you talk about her. Maddie. My daughter.” He shakes his head again, wonder still there in his eyes. “Thank you for giving me the chance to start getting to know her.”
I smile back, even as dual prongs of warmth and guilt flicker through me. It’s impossible not to also think about how I denied him that chance - for so long.
“I’ll call you with a time and place to meet us both.” I say, gathering my things together with a reluctance that surprises me.
I don’t quite want to leave.
“Soon?” He asks, and the eagerness there is impossible to ignore.
It makes me smile again, and I nod.
“Soon.” I promise.
He rises with me, and before I can give him the quick wave I’d already decided on - he pulls me into a hug.
Not a casual friendly one either.
His powerful arms wrap around me, taking control in that instinctive way of his and pulling our bodies into each other. I tense, frozen in his arms for a moment, before I can’t help relax into the power and heat around me - propelled by some force of memory if nothing else.
His hands feel hot against my shoulders, and the way he steps just a little closer places one leg almost between my own. My pussy sparks with sudden interest and just as I’m about to pull away, he murmurs in my ear.
“It’s good to see you again, Leah. I missed you.”
Then he releases me, before I can object or answer or even think, and I’m left standing on what suddenly seems like very thin ground - with that almost-sultry whisper shivering down my spine.
I meet his gaze - dark and ethereal again now, smoldering gray clouds covering the warmth and openness of only a few minutes before.
And then I leave without saying anything else. There’s nothing to say. Not even to the idea that he missed me.
This isn’t about any of that, and it’s not going to be - this is about Maddie.
And when it comes to Maddie…
A small smile slides onto my face, growing without permission until I’m probably outright grinning.
When it comes to her, this might have worked. My crazy stunt - quitting my jobs, uprooting us and plunging the last of my money into this insane venture to try and find her father - it might actually…work.
I walk away from his office block, unable to believe how much lighter and freer I feel.
Hope is bubbling up in my chest, and no matter how I try and caution myself - I can’t dampen it.
For the first time I can remember, there’s an actual reason to hope.