Chapter Five
Alistair
I walk into my office building with a strong, purposeful stride, but underneath it, there’s a sharp edge of tension that is slowly driving me crazy.
My mind has been racing all night, and I feel exhausted from the endless circles my thoughts have been chasing each other in - but even so, that can’t match the nervous, excited energy pulsing through me.
The kind I haven’t felt since…hell, I’m not even sure those initial big-stakes business deals can compare.
I’m meeting my daughter today.
Like a beat thumping through my mind, that constant reminder. That thought coming back again and again.
Today.
It’s happening today.
Of course, not right now. Later today. This afternoon.
Which only means…most of a day’s worth of second-guessing, hesitation and doubt.
My mouth curves up at the idea. Things I’ve never felt in business for a second.
If only your business partners could see you now…
I already know I’m not going to get any work done today - just like I didn’t get any sleep last night. I’m just here because it’s something to do - because pacing around my empty apartment would be worse.
In fact, I’ve barely been working or sleeping since Leah walked into my office two days ago. It’s been impossible.
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her, about all the things we did together so many years ago…and about Maddie.
The idea I have a daughter is just…fuck.
Terrifying.
But also…something else. So many other things.
Exciting and thrilling. Heart-warming and devastating.
All these years…
I’m trying not to think about that. About what the kid I never knew might think of me - for not being there, for not knowing. About all those missed opportunities to bond with her, to have her look up and call me ‘Daddy’, to have her like me just because I’m there…
I can feel the lump rising in my throat, and have to force my mind away from it all - yet again.
I never knew I could feel this sentimental about anything, and I haven’t even met the girl yet.
It doesn’t matter. In my mind, she’s already perfect. Just the very idea of her.
I never really thought about kids - I assumed they’d happen one day, the natural progression of things, but…it was never relevant. If you’d asked me what I thought of them a week ago, I probably would’ve shrugged. Indifferent. No opinion.
Now…I feel like I’ve found the thing I hadn’t even realized I was missing.
Someone to care for, to raise, to show the world to.
Nothing I ever thought I would’ve wanted. But now…
You haven’t even met her yet.
I don’t know why that doesn’t matter. But it doesn’t.
I was pissed off when Leah first told me, but even then…even then I knew.
Fuck.
I run a hand through my hair, messing up the style I spent too long adjusting this morning, and try to tell my fucked-up mind to be quiet.
When it comes to business deals, it’s never been like this. I’ve always been able to think coolly and calmly. The only thing that ever made me feel this way was…Leah.
Right. Double fuck.
But as much as I’m cursing up and down right now, underneath it all - it’s a happy thrill. An excitement that’s been missing since she left. The chance to see her again, to know her, and even more…Maddie.
I take a deep breath as the elevator finally reaches my floor, turning from where I was pacing inside it - unable to keep still for even a moment - to walk straight out and down to my office.
“Okay. What’s going on?” Meredith squints at me from where she’s sitting behind her desk, cradling an extra-large cup of coffee, and I break into a smile as I see her.
Thank god.
“Oh, thank fuck you’re back.” I don’t bother trying to conceal my pleasure. “If I had to deal with another of those temp girls for one more day…”
“More like if they had to deal with you.” She shakes her head at me, amused.
“Have you sorted out the mess they left yet?”
“It’s not even 8am, Alistair.” She gives me an arch look.
“So that’s a ‘yes’?” I raise an eyebrow.
“Maybe.” One corner of her mouth quirks into a smile, and I don’t miss the sparkle in her eyes. “Nice to see you too, sir. You’re not even going to ask how how my holiday was, are you?”
“I’m just assuming it was good enough you won’t be needing one again.” I say lightly.
“This is why I didn’t bring you anything back. That, and there’s pretty much nothing left that you couldn’t buy for yourself, anyway.”
I grin, the exchange relaxing me more than I’d expected, and start to step past.
“Wait.” Meredith says, before I even make it two steps.
There are very few people who could say that to me - and even less that I’d actually stop for. But Meredith is one of them, and it’s just another reason I’m glad she’s back.
I turn back to her, eyebrow raised again.
“You didn’t answer my question. What the hell is going on with you?” She takes a long sip of the coffee, which doesn’t in any way dim the impact of her gaze.
I look at her. Briefly consider denying there’s anything going on - or telling her I’m not ready to talk about it.
But I don’t want to.
The energy and excitement and news is bubbling up inside me in a wild, uncontrolled way. And if there’s anyone I can confide in…it’s Meredith.
I hesitate.
And then nod towards my office, walking into it myself.
She mutters some complaint about old bones, but follows me anyway, and shuts the door behind her.
I settle myself behind my desk, but the moment my ass touches the chair, I’m up again. I can’t just sit. Not at the moment.
Meredith has no such problem - settling herself into one of my armchairs and watching as I start to pace. She doesn’t say anything, but I know the longer I’m silent, the more she’ll increase her estimation of the significance of this piece of news.
But even if I didn’t say anything for hours, I doubt she’d manage to correctly guess how utterly life-changing this is.
Leah is insistent that we don’t tell Maddie that I’m her father immediately - which is going to be fucking hard, but I can understand it. She doesn’t know that I’m going to want to stick around yet, really know in the way that I need her to. And it would be better for Maddie to get to know me without that pressure, without such a sudden announcement that I’m her Daddy.
The way I want this to happen, I want it to feel natural. I want her to accept me.
Fuck, I want her to like me so badly.
Even more than I want her to know I’m her Daddy. I think.
But we only discussed keeping it quiet for now for Maddie…I have no idea what Leah would think of me telling anyone else.
I hadn’t even planned to - but damn it, I need to.
When my most recent burst of energy subsides and I finally come to a stop, I lean against a cabinet opposite Meredith and notice her calm, too-knowing eyes are entirely focused on me.
It reminds me just how unusual this is for me. There’s not much that I don’t come right out and say, cool and direct.
“I got some news while you were away.” I finally say. “It’s…err, all very…sudden, and not much has been worked out yet…”
That’s also not like me - caveats and explanations to cover the real, burning news. I take a deep breath, and it’s not hard to feel it bubbling up inside me. Uncontainable. The thing that I’ve wanted to spend the last three days shouting.
“Leah came back.” I start again, and watch as Meredith’s mouth makes a small ‘O’.
Her expression is completely neutral and she doesn’t say anything, but I know she remembers Leah - and everything between us - very well. And everything that came after, for me.
“And…” I can’t help it. The exhilaration that’s been tingling under my skin all night comes out, and a smile spreads across my face. “I have a kid, Meredith. A daughter. We…she was pregnant. And I have a kid.”
I’m grinning now, full out grinning. I even laugh a little.
While my completely bomb-proof secretary stares at me, her eyes bugging out of her head a little.
“A…kid?” She slowly repeats.
“Yeah. A girl. A little girl.” If possible, my grin gets even larger.
I have no idea how anyone I know might react to this news. Maybe not quite with the same enthusiasm as me, I’m still grounded enough that I’m aware it might not be good news to everyone I work with - but Meredith, at least, takes her cue from me.
Cautiously, she lets herself smile as well, looking me up and down.
“You seem…happy about that.” She says, and it’s not quite a question.
“I am. I…I’m a lot of things. But, wow, Meredith, can you believe it?” I run a hand through my hair again, and grin back at her.
She laughs, almost inadvertently. “I’m not sure I do.”
She stands, and I help her up - then sweep her up into a hug.
“I know it means a hell of a lot that I haven’t even thought about yet, but…but this is Leah. And my little girl. I didn’t even realize I wanted kids - really wanted them - but…”
I trail off, not even sure what I’m trying to say. Everything still feels like a storm of emotion and mixed, confusing thoughts.
Meredith steps back, holding my shoulders and looking square at me. Her expression is a little bemused, but there’s a warmth under it - the kind of genuine care I’ve always been drawn to.
“I’m not sure I can imagine you with kids, Alistair.” She shakes her head, but she’s still smiling.
“Fuck, I can’t either. Damn it, Meredith, I’m fucking terrified.” I laugh a little, and wonder whether there’s a slight edge of hysteria to it.
Her smile widens.
“Good. At least you’re still reacting reasonably to the situation, then.”
I laugh again, stepping back and retreating behind my desk, shaking my head as I finally have someone that I can voice all the endless little fears and concerns to.
“What the hell am I going to do with a little girl, Meredith? How do I…what do I…fuck.” I implore her desperately.
“Don’t look at me.” She shakes her head with a laugh. “I never had kids.”
I knew that, I think. But while it never occurred to me before now, I’m suddenly curious.
“You didn’t want them?”
“Just never happened for me. Didn’t meet the right guy. Married to my job.” She gives me an ironic smile, but she doesn’t seem too bothered by it.
“That’s true.” I tease. “They definitely would’ve got in the way of some of those late-night trade deals.”
She rolls her eyes at me. “As always, I’m sure your heart is in the right place.”
“Seriously though, what am I going to do? I’m seeing her today - my daughter, Maddie. And I…fuck.”
“Why don’t you ask Leah?” She says with a smile. “I’m sure her Mom has a better idea of parenting her than either of us.”
I give a non-committal response.
Of course, I will probably end up doing exactly that.
But…I wish I had a better idea myself.
I don’t want to give Leah a reason to question my ability to be involved in Maddie’s life, and…honestly? I want to impress her, too.
I just don’t have a clue how. The only role models I have are examples of what I don’t want to do, so…fuck that.
“You’ll be fine, Alistair.” Meredith brings me out of my thoughts again. “You obviously care, and that’s all a child really needs. There are as many different kind of Dads as there are people - just do whatever feels right to you.”
That relaxes me - maybe just a little, but enough. I smile back at her, breathing deeply.
She’s right. And she always knows exactly what to say.
You care.
That’s what was missing from my childhood. And that, I can do.
“Thanks.”
She nods, and turns towards the door - also knowing the right moment to leave me to myself.
“Meredith.” I say as she reaches it. “This has all just happened, and I haven’t told anyone yet. It would probably be better if Leah and I had a bit of time to work it out.”
I doubt I even need to give her the reminder - Meredith has always been discreet. But it’s not worth the risk.
She nods again, giving me a little smile.
“I’ll make sure no one notices me researching ‘how to be a parent’ for you, then.”
I grin as she leaves, but then I’m standing alone in my office again. Hours left until I see my daughter. Nothing that I’m going to be able to concentrate on.
So instead I let the images of meeting Maddie play over in my mind again - what I might do, or say. What she might look like. I should’ve asked for a picture, damn it. But then…maybe that wouldn’t be as special.
Ugh.
I glance back out the door to where Meredith is sitting at her desk.
I really hope she is compiling that damned research. Ideally before this afternoon.