Chapter Sixteen
Josh
“I might have fucked this up.”
I knock back my beer, swallowing a third of it as I try to take the edge off.
“Sounds like it.” Jason agrees.
“You have a habit of doing that.” Dan nods.
“I mean, let’s not forget that it was a completely crazy idea to start with. Pretend to be her boyfriend, then break up, so that you end up…as her boyfriend?” Jack-O says.
He shakes his head and I look round at them all, scowling.
Jason, Jack-O and Dan.
Of course, Jack-O isn’t his real name. But we haven’t used Ollie since we burst into his dorm one night to find him…well, jacking off.
He never was able to shake the nickname. And Jason wanted to call us the 3Js or J3 or something. That one didn’t stick - and when Dan joined the group it died completely.
My used-to-be college acting group, and nowadays drinking buddies.
The only guys I can rely on to give me the time of day in this city.
But even so, I don’t usually go to them for this sort of thing. It’s always been Cassie that I talk to for girl stuff. Or even life stuff.
Anything where I’m looking for actual help.
She gives me shit, but there’s usually some good advice in there too.
With these guys, it’s just the shit.
But I can’t exactly talk to Cassie right now, so I don’t have much choice.
“Thanks.” I mutter. “Super helpful, guys.”
“Anytime.” Jack-O slaps me on the shoulder.
We go back to the drinking - something these guys actually are good for. Unlike Cassie.
God-damn it, why does every thought have to lead to her?!
“Okay, let’s help you out then, mate.” Jason says, and I cautiously get my hopes up.
Maybe they will take something seriously for once.
“Yeah, okay, so what have we got to work with?” Jack-O gives me a slow look up and down. “Hmm, maybe not much, but I’m sure we can think of something.”
Those hopes die.
“He’s pretty.” Dan joins in. “Girls seem to go for that—”
“I’m not pretty.” I mutter, but they ignore me.
“And she already fucked him.” Jason says. “So I’m guessing she likes his D—”
“Hey! Don’t talk about Cassie like that.” I hit him round the head.
I’m used to their insults, they’re part of the game, but that’s too far.
“Ooohh, you really do like her.” Dan crows.
“Pity she doesn’t like him.” Jason laughs, flipping me off.
“Or she did - but only as a friend.” Dan laughs. “That old problem.”
I start regretting ever getting them together.
Or telling them any of this shit. It’s not priming me for talking to Cassie at all.
“Nah, she fucked him, so it can’t be that.” Jack-O interrupts.
“Maybe it’s the whole ‘he’s an asshole who doesn’t know how to treat a woman, with a string of failed relationships’ thing then.” Jason suggests.
“I still can’t believe she said that.” I mutter.
I keep replaying it in my mind. The whole fucking argument.
Whatever the plan had been, that part was real.
“She has a point though.” Dan says, unhelpfully.
I glare at him and take another swig of beer. This is actually starting to piss me off now.
“Well maybe that’s because they weren’t Cassie - they weren’t right for me.”
“So why haven’t you told her that, dude?” Dan retorts, the first sensible thing any of them have said.
But it immediately puts me on the defensive.
“Because she’s got exams at the moment.”
I flip my phone over and over in my hand, a gesture I seem to have developed every time I think about texting her.
It’s been two weeks, and we haven’t talked. No message. No call. Nothing.
She does have exams, but it’s still just an excuse.
There’s too much shit between us now. Too much hanging over from that ugly scene at the end of our ‘vacation’.
I can’t just drop her a casual message and act like nothing ever happened, and I can’t tell her I want to give us a chance for real - not in the middle of her exams. Not when she’s never had a chance to think about us like that.
But those exams finish tomorrow. I know that even though we haven’t been talking. Which means that my excuse runs out right about…now.
It’s why I got the guys together. I’m done with giving her time.
I want the fucked up mess we left sorted out already.
“I still can’t believe you fucked her.” Jack-O says. “After four years. That, like, never happens.”
“Yeah, and after swearing up and down you weren’t interested, mate.” Jason adds. “Should’ve known you were having us on.”
I sigh. They’ve been ribbing me about this since I told them.
Apparently I’ve confirmed every theory they ever had that a guy can’t just be friends with a girl. But we were, once. Maybe not quite as long as they think, but still…
“It just…sort of happened. We were always more interested in being friends, before.”
“And now?”
That’s the big question.
“And now…that’s not enough. Not anymore.”
I know that much. I can’t do innocent friendship with Cassie anymore.
There’s no way I could spend another minute around her without kissing her, running my hand through her hair, making her gasp and moan and sigh.
I love our friendship. It’s one of the best things that ever happened to me.
But I’ve known since the moment I first fucked her that I’ll risk it all to have Cassie.
All of her.
“Sounds like you have your answer then, mate.” Jason says, raising his glass to me.
I do. I knew that before I even came out with these guys.
Maybe I just wanted the liquid courage.
Or to hear someone else say it.
It’s all-or-nothing for me now. I know what I want.
And all I can do is hope that Cassie’s answer is the same.
Or, if that fails - show her that it is.