Chapter Eighteen
Kristen
There were still a few tears glistening on his eyelashes. He really was a beautiful man, and there was something intensely attractive about how vulnerable he was allowing himself to be in front of me. All I wanted to do was make him feel better. All I wanted to do was soothe him, body and soul.
Even his apology cut through me. I could tell he was sincere, and I could tell it was the broken man inside of him that had caused him to lash out and turn away from me. Hurt as I had been, I could understand where that had come from now, and I forgave him readily.
I stared at his perfect blue eyes, hollowed in with emotion. He was trying to sort out all the complicated feelings he had been avoiding all this time, and I could imagine how hard that was. A part of me knew that getting deeper into this with Jake was just leading up to heartbreak in the future, but how could I turn away from him now? Maybe this was the reason I had moved here to San Diego. Maybe I had come here to save Jake? And in saving Jake, maybe I could save myself, too.
I leaned in and kissed him softly on the lips. He froze for a moment, and then I felt him relax, and his lips responded to mine. It was a tender moment; there was nothing very sexual about it. It was deeper than that. It was about connecting; it was about letting him know I was there for him.
When I pulled away, Jake’s eyes were firmly fixed on mine. I realized his hand was on my waist and even after the kiss ended—he didn’t pull it away.
“Should I have done that?” I asked softly.
“I don’t know,” he replied. “But… I’m glad you did.”
I smiled, moving to sit beside him so that we were shoulder to shoulder with our heads leaning against the wall.
“You know, it might help to talk about her,” I said gently. “Holding your grief inside all the time can’t be healthy.”
Jake looked towards me. “She was…brilliant and honest and beautiful. She was a lot like you.”
I smiled, pushing away the guilt I was feeling. “How did you meet?”
“We met in the military,” he told me. “We were in the same platoon at one point, and that’s when we fell in love. It wasn’t a typical love story by any means. We clashed at first, and I suppose that led to a lot of tension between us. At first, I thought that it was just a sexual relationship, but as the months drew on, I realized I had fallen for her.”
“And, she felt the same way?”
“She did, yes,” Jake nodded. “We got married a year after we’d met.”
“It was sudden?”
Jake nodded, and I could tell by the expression on his face that he was reliving certain moments as he narrated them.
“We eloped,” he recalled. “My parents had both passed on, and Daphne didn’t have the best relationship with her parents. So, we decided it should just be the two of us.
“We never planned for Noah. We wanted to wait till our thirties to have children, once we had both retired from the military and we could be around to raise our kids. So when Daphne found out she was pregnant… It was a shock.
“So we made a plan. Daphne would go back home and have the baby, and I would continue on in the military for a few more years. Her pregnancy was probably the best, most wonderful time in our marriage. She was so happy, and I was, too. Once we’d gotten over the shock of having a baby so early, we both embraced our new future, and we started looking forward to parenthood.”
I saw Jake’s expression sadden considerably, and I knew something had changed in that time. I reached out to take his hand, and he gripped mine tightly as he continued.
“I took special leave to be here with her when she had Noah. I came a week before and was scheduled to leave a month after. I noticed that Daphne was a little different. She was quieter and more somber than usual, but I just chalked it up to nerves. Then Noah was born and… I realized that something was wrong.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
Jake sighed deeply. “Daphne was not herself. She was sad, she cried all the time, she refused to breastfeed Noah, and some days she even refused to pick him up.”
My body went cold as I realized what Daphne had suffered from. “Post-partum depression,” I whispered.
He nodded. “A doctor suggested therapy, but Daphne refused to go. She holed up in her room for days after that appointment, and when she finally emerged, she told me she was re-enlisting.”
I closed my eyes for a moment, feeling an intense wave of sadness hit me. I couldn’t even imagine what Daphne would have gone through; I could imagine what Jake would have gone through.
“We fought a lot about that decision,” he said softly. “I was not a good husband to her. I was…unkind.”
“Oh, Jake—”
“I said awful things to her,” he said, and his voice broke slightly as he spoke. “I accused her of hating Noah and me; I told her she was an awful mother and a terrible human being. I told her that she would be punished for abandoning her son.”
Jake hung his head down, and I could sense all the regret that he had lived with for the past three years. I pulled him closer to me and hugged him tightly. “You were angry and confused, Jake,” I said. “You didn’t mean the things you said to her.”
“Still, those moments were her last memories of me.”
“Did you speak to her…after she left?”
“We spoke every week, more or less,” Jake admitted. “But they were short, strained conversations. She wanted to see Noah; she said she wanted to see me. But…the truth is, I was jealous. She was out there doing what I wanted to do myself. I was drowning here with Noah, and I hated being left here alone with him. I hated her for forcing me to stay behind. And, I think she knew that.”
“It’s not wrong to feel that way, Jake,” I told him softly. “Every new parent feels that way as they have a child, and you didn’t have help. It’s normal.”
“It all seems so stupid now,” he said. “Fighting with her over leaving… Does it even matter? What mattered was that she came back.”
“Is this the first time you’ve spoken about all this?” I asked.
“Pretty much,” he sighed, sounding tired.
“How do you feel now?”
He was quiet for a moment, and I realized he was thinking about it. He turned to me with a surprised look on his face. “I feel…better.”
I smiled. “That’s a start.”
Jake was looking at me carefully, as though seeing me for the first time. He reached out and touched the side of my face. Then he leaned in and kissed me softly on the lips.
“Stay with me tonight,” he whispered to me.
I nodded once, and Jake got up off the floor and offered his hand to help me to my feet. Then he led me to the foot of his bed. He turned to me and pulled me closer to him as he started kissing my lips again. This time, I felt the rising build of desire course through me. There was everything sexual about this kiss, and I knew I could lose myself with this man.
He undressed me slowly, taking his time and exploring my body with his hands. I was nervous, but my need was greater, and I allowed him to take the lead. He had shared so much with me tonight that it had created a comfort and ease between us that translated itself into this moment. I reached out tentatively and started undressing Jake.
The feel of his body was mind-bogglingly intoxicating. His body was hard, lean, sinewy, and ripped. It felt almost as though he had been carved from stone. We fell back onto his bed together, and as he continued to kiss me, I could feel his hard cock pressing against my thigh. I knew I should feel guilt, but I simply couldn’t muster it up at the moment. Right then, I just wanted to be selfish. I wanted to lose myself in him and not have to think about anything or anyone else.
Jake’s hand encircled my breast, and I let out a little moan as his fingers squeezed the nipple. I knew he was about to slip inside me, but I felt the need to make one confession, even if it wasn’t the important one.
“Jake,” I whispered, my voice came out sounding ragged because of the strength of my desire.
“Hmm?”
“You should know something about me.”
“Now?” His face slipped down, and his tongue circled my nipple.
“Yes,” I groaned.
“Okay, what is it?” he asked, without stopping what he was doing.
I stifled the moan on my lips. “I’m…mmm… I’m a virgin…”
Jake lifted his head and looked at me. “Really?”
I nodded.
“Do you want me to stop?”
How could he even think that was what I wanted? “No,” I said. “No, don’t stop.”
Jake pushed himself further down and settled himself between my legs. He pushed them apart and kissed my thighs. Then I felt his tongue between my legs, and I gasped out loud, gripping the sides of the bed violently as I tried not to lose my mind. The sensations rippling through my body were unlike anything I’d felt before—and I just wanted it to go on forever.
When I was good and ready, Jake lifted himself over me and pushed himself inside me. He fucked me gently at first, letting my body grow accustomed to his. Then as the tension built, he fucked me harder, pummeling into me with increasing speed and force. Every time I cried out, he seemed to slow his pace slightly, allowing my breath to catch up with him.
My body felt like it was on fire and at some points, I honestly didn’t know if I could take any more. It felt like…like I was going to float away suddenly. He was making me feel like I could fly. Everything about the experience was intoxicating—from the sound of his breath in my ear to the feel of his cock, large and hard, inside me.
I clung to him as I orgasmed, trying to savor the moment, trying to commit every sensation to memory. Afterwards, I lay with my head resting on Jake’s chest. I listened to the steady rise and fall of his heartbeat and wondered if I could bottle this feeling and live off it for the rest of my life.
I raised my head to glance at him. He was sleeping soundly, and his face looked peaceful and content in sleep. I kissed his cheek softly and stared at him for a moment.
“Forgive me,” I whispered to him.