Chapter Twenty
Kristen
I sighed with relief as I entered my shoebox apartment. It was nice to be back home after a long day of work. I hadn’t seen Jake very much over the last few days because he was busy ferrying Noah around, having yet to find the right babysitter. So, he was mostly just working from home. I got about fourteen emails from him daily, but they were always polite and strictly professional.
It wasn’t like he was ignoring the fact that we had slept together, however. He generally called me in the evenings once he had put Noah to bed. It was always a five-minute conversation about general things, but I knew the real purpose was to show me he wasn’t turning back into a jackass. I appreciated the effort—I knew how difficult it must have been for him to juggle work and fatherhood.
In order to help him, I had done some research during my lunch break and put together a list of babysitters in the area that came with credentials and stellar reputations. I had sent it to him earlier this morning, hoping he would be able to find someone he liked and trusted, or more importantly, someone Noah liked.
It was almost eight o’clock, so it had been an unusually long workday. Because Jake was not in office as much, I had a little more on my plate than usual. I had even sat in on a few meetings on his behalf when he’d had to cancel at the last minute. I didn’t mind working overtime, especially knowing that it allowed Jake some breathing room to take care of Noah.
I removed my jacket, went into my room, and changed into sweatpants and a comfortable t-shirt. I realized as I walked back into my living room that doubled as the kitchen, that I missed Jake. I missed Noah, too. I wanted to call and say hello to both of them, but then I thought better of it. I didn’t want to overstep my bounds, and I didn’t want Noah to start thinking of me as anything other than his babysitter…at least right now.
Even as the thought crossed my mind, I wondered what was possible for my future with Jake. Did I even have a future with Jake? I felt a sinking feeling in my gut as I realized that I could never really have a future with him as long as my secret stood between us. How could I expect him to look past the fact that I’d kept this massive piece of information from him?
Suddenly deflated, I decided to eat something and turn in early. I had just put some macaroni on the stove to boil when I heard my phone ring. Hoping that it was Jake, I jumped to answer it, but then I saw my mother’s name on the screen.
“Fuck,” I sighed underneath my breath.
I hadn’t spoken to her in months; we hadn’t exactly parted on the best terms, and I had studiously avoided her calls ever since I’d left Michigan. But now enough time had passed that I’d stopped feeling resolute and started to feel guilty. After all, our issues aside, she was still my mother and I couldn’t just wish her away just because it was easier that way.
Taking a deep breath, I picked up and answered. “Mom?”
“You answered,” she replied, sounding genuinely shocked.
“I’m full of surprises.”
“Don’t I know that.” Her tone had an edge to it.
“Mom… We haven’t spoken in months; please don’t start with me.”
An uncomfortable silence filled the air. “How is life in San Diego?” she asked, apparently choosing to listen to me this time.
Grateful she had conceded, I was more than happy to answer her question. “Great,” I replied. “I love it here.”
“You settled in okay?”
“I did.”
“Where are you living?”
“An apartment block about a half hour from where I work.”
“Is it…okay?”
“It’s small,” I said. “But the neighborhood’s decent.”
“Do you have any friends?”
“Not many, to be honest,” I said. “But I did make one good friend. We met at the gym and see each other at least once every week. Her name’s Melody; she’s not native to San Diego, either. She moved here for college and then loved it so much she decided to stay.”
I could tell that Mom couldn’t care less about Melody, but it was safer to talk about her than anything else. I could sense Mom’s tone changing slightly, and I hoped she wasn’t going to go there.
“And work?” she asked. “How’s work?”
“Great,” I said shortly, before attempting to change the subject. “How are you? You haven’t told me what you’ve been up to lately?”
“That’s because this is the first time you’ve deigned to answer my call in months.”
I closed my eyes for a moment. “Mom…”
“I know, I know… You don’t want to talk about it,” she said. “But sometimes we have to talk about the things that are uncomfortable. We didn’t exactly leave things on the best of terms.”
“Because you refuse to let me live my life,” I said. “Because you refuse to acknowledge that I’m a grown woman capable of making my own decisions.”
Mom actually snorted at that. “Please.”
“What?” I demanded.
“It’s not a question of making decisions, Kristen,” she said curtly. “It’s about making the right decisions.”
“Oh that’s rich, coming from you,” I snapped.
“Excuse me?”
“Is Ted still around?” I demanded. “Or has he left you again?”
There was a heartbeat of silence from the other end. “Dad,” she corrected. “Would it kill you to call him dad?”
“It just might actually,” I said. “I’ll stick with Ted, thank you. And, you haven’t answered my question yet. Is he still there?”
“He’s…been around.”
“What does that mean?”
“He comes and goes.”
“Like always, huh?” I said coldly. “Some things never change.”
“He is your father,” she said.
“In name only,” I shot back. “He has never been my father.”
“Kristen—”
“No,” I snapped. “He doesn’t get to waltz in and out of our lives whenever he pleases and expect to be welcomed each time. You may not be willing to admit the truth, but I accepted it a long time ago.”
“Is that so?” Mom asked angrily. “And, what truth is that?”
“That Ted never really cared about either one of us. He just used you because he knew you would just keep taking him back no matter how badly he treated you.”
“That’s not true—”
“Bullshit,” I interrupted. “I don’t know what kind of sick power he has over you, but it’s worked for him all these years. You need to wake up and face the truth, Mom.”
“Don’t you think that’s a little hypocritical of you?” she asked pointedly. “Especially given the reason you moved to San Diego in the first place.”
“That wasn’t the reason,” I said defensively. “It wasn’t the…whole reason.”
“No?” she asked. “Then why were you looking him up?”
“You had no right to go through my computer,” I said furiously.
“Spare me.”
I shook my head. “You are unbelievable,” I said. “How did you manage to turn this around and make it seem like I’m the one with the problem?”
“Let me ask you this,” she said, in an almost smug voice. “Have you told him?”
“What?” I said, pretending like I didn’t know what she was asking.
Inside, however, I was panicking. This was the very thing that I’d been worrying about for the past few days. Mom was right about some things, but the rebel in me couldn’t bring myself to admit that.
“Oh, you know who I’m talking about,” she said firmly. “Have you told Jake who you are?”
“I…no,” I said, unable to avoid the question.
“So what? He just thinks you’re his secretary and nothing else?”
“I will tell him.”
“When?” she demanded.
“When the time is right.”
She laughed. “I never understood why you cared so much about Daphne, about her career and her life and her family.”
“Why do I care?” I said. “How could I not?”
“And Jake?” Mom asked. “You care about him, too?”
I paused, wondering if she could smell the guilt on me.
“Well, Kristen?” she asked. “Do you?”
“Yes,” I said, in a small voice.
“And, do you think he cares about you?”
“I… I don’t know.”
“Even if he does, it won’t last very long,” Mom said bluntly. “Especially after he finds out you’re Daphne’s half-sister.”
Silence fell between us, and I took a moment to try and sort through my tangled thoughts. It was always like this when Mom and I got into it. She left me feeling strangely empty. I wondered if she enjoyed trying to tear apart my life because on some intrinsic level she knew her life was forfeit.
“Have you slept with him?” Mom asked.
Shocked by the question, I lied instantly. “No,” I said, without missing a beat.
“You’re lying,” she said. “I can tell.”
“No, I’m not l—”
“Is that why you moved?” Mom asked. “To seduce your brother-in-law? I have to say… I’m surprised, especially after all the judgment you rained down on me.”
I wanted to throw the phone. I wanted to scream obscenities at her, but my fingers were numb, and my heart was cold with anger.
“Don’t… Don’t even try to insinuate that you and I are alike in any way,” I said firmly. “This is not the same thing. Even if there was something between Jake and I… He’s single and so am I. Ted was not single when you got involved with him. He was another woman’s husband. He had a wife… He had a child.”
“And you’re the bleeding heart that always believed you could change the world for the better, is that it?” Mom asked. “What were you trying to do, Kristen? Go there to San Diego and make Jake fall in love with you? Then what? You’re going to spring your little secret on him and watch him fall more in love with you?”
“I didn’t come here for that,” I said, through gritted teeth. “I came here to get away from you and your toxic lifestyle. I came to San Diego because Daphne loved this city. I looked up Jake before I left because I was planning on meeting him and introducing myself as Daphne’s half-sister. I just wanted to know more about Daphne. And, I was hoping to get to know my nephew a little bit. I never intended for my identity to be a secret.”
“And yet?”
“He was different than I expected him to be,” I said honestly. “Something about him was…broken. How could I ask him to share Daphne with me when he hadn’t fully gotten over her himself? I got caught up in the moment, and I ended up applying for a job as his secretary. I never thought I’d actually get it. And once I did…”
“You were scared to tell him the truth.”
“Yes,” I sighed.
“Do you think he’ll accept that story?” Mom asked.
“Apparently you don’t.”
“Sounds like a far-fetched excuse,” she replied. “You need to resign and get on with your life. Instead of staying and trying to steal Daphne’s.”
I cringed at her words. “How can you even say that to me?” I demanded. “That’s not what I’m trying to do.”
“Do you remember the day I met Daphne’s mother?” she asked pointedly.
I felt my body grow cold as I realized what she was implying. “Mom, this is none of your business. Stay out of it.”
“Funny… That plan of action didn’t apply to you, did it?”
“Why can’t you just leave me alone?” I demanded.
“Tell him the truth, Kristen,” Mom said coldly. “Or you will force me to handle the situation.”
“What?”
But it was too late—she had already hung up. I stared at my empty kitchen table and realized that I had seriously over boiled my macaroni. It was just as well; I couldn’t eat a thing anyway.