Chapter Thirty-two
Kristen
“Can I try one?” Noah asked impatiently.
“They’re still hot, sweetheart,” I told him. “Just give them five minutes, and they’ll be ready for dunking.”
“They look so good.”
“They do, don’t they?” I nodded. “These were my favorite snack to make when I was ten.”
Noah’s mouth formed a little ‘o’ shape. “You knew how to make cookies when you were ten?”
“I sure did,” I nodded.
“Your mommy didn’t make them for you?”
I hesitated a moment, remembering my lonely childhood. Mom had mostly been working, and whatever free time she did have left over was spent on her friends. Of course, when Ted deigned to give her the time of day, nothing could keep her from his side. She would even miss work in order to stay at home and be with him.
Shortly after my tenth birthday, Ted decided to come and spend the weekend with us. He’d bought Mom flowers that looked like they’d been hacked from a neighbor’s backyard, and he had bought me a teddy bear with one eye. He’d claimed that the eye had popped out when he was removing it from the car, but I had never believed that story.
He and Mom spent the whole morning in her room, and I had to listen to a never-ending loop of moans and creaks. I took the radio into my room and listened to music until I had managed to drown them out. That afternoon when I emerged from my room, it was to find Mom and Ted in the hall pawing at one another.
“Kris,” Mom said. “How would you feel about spending the evening alone, all by yourself like a big girl?”
I had frowned at her in confusion. “Where are you going?”
“Daddy and I are going out for a while… We haven’t seen each other in so long,” she said. “You want Mom and Dad to have time alone together, right?”
“Yes,” I had replied because that was the only answer she wanted to hear.
Smacking her hands together, Mom had jumped up excitedly. Then she had disappeared into her room to change. Ted had sat on the sofa and tried to engage me in conversation.
“How old are you now?” he had asked me. “Seven?”
“Ten.”
“Wow, you’re kinda small for a ten-year-old.”
When Mom emerged again, she was wearing a short red dress and a face full of makeup. Somehow, she looked ten years older to me. They left the house without looking back, and I walked around, wondering why my parents were so different from everyone else’s. That was when I decided to bake cookies. For the first time, the house was completely mine, and I could do whatever I wanted. And what I really wanted was a chocolate chip cookie.
I found a recipe book and followed the instructions diligently. Within the hour I had fat, chunky chocolate chip cookies and a deep and satisfying sense of accomplishment. I had piled the cookies into a bowl, headed into my room, and spent the whole evening and most of the night eating cookies and playing with my imaginary friends. And for just a few hours, I forgot that I had strange parents. I forgot that I was alone. I even forgot that I had no friends. It was enough to just sit there and eat cookies. Which was why I had always had a fondness for baking and cookie eating.
“My mommy was too busy to bake me cookies,” I told Noah honestly.
He looked sadly at me. “Really?”
“Yeah.”
Noah looked sad for me, and I felt a burst of love for him. He was such a sensitive and compassionate child. I kissed his forehead and then pushed the tray of cookies towards him. “Go ahead,” I said. “I think they’re cool enough now.”
Noah was eating his first cookie when Jake walked in. It was earlier than I had expected to see him, and I jumped up in excitement. “You’re back,” I said.
I was just about to run into his arms when I remembered Noah. Even though the three of us spent a lot of time together, Jake and I were careful about being affectionate in front of Noah. We didn’t want him to get invested in our relationship just yet. It was merely a safety precaution, but sometimes I wished we didn’t have to be so careful.
“How was your boys’ night?” I asked, reigning in my enthusiasm and sitting back down.
“Good,” Jake replied. “Noah? Can I get a hello?”
Noah looked up at his father and smiled. “We made cookies, Daddy.”
He laughed. “I can see that. Is that the reason I’m being neglected by my favorite son?”
Noah giggled. “I’m your only son.”
“Here you go,” I said, pushing a cookie towards him. “Go crazy.”
We spent a good half an hour eating cookies and swapping stories about our day. Noah sat on my lap and gave Jake a play by play of everything we had done.
“The fort’s still up, I see,” Jake said.
“I can take it down in the night,” I said.
“No!” Noah said, looking towards his fort.
Jake laughed. “Let’s leave it up,” he said. “I think it gives character to the room.”
“Me, too,” Noah piped up.
Noah ended up falling asleep in my arms, and I kissed his cheek softly as I brushed the hair from his face. He looked so peaceful in sleep; all I wanted to do was kiss him all over. When I looked up, I realized that Jake was watching me carefully. I wondered if it upset him to see his son being mothered by someone other than Daphne. For a second, I wasn’t sure if he was touched by the sight or angered by it.
“I’d better get him to bed,” Jake said, rising to his feet and reaching out for Noah.
We made the transfer smoothly, and Jake disappeared down the hall with Noah in his arms. I took the time to clear up a little in the living room. When I turned, I realized that Jake was leaning against the wall, watching me work.
“Hi there,” I said. “How long have you been standing there?”
He smiled. “A minute or two.”
“You could have said something.”
“I liked my view,” he replied. “And, I wanted to admire it for a moment.”
I tried to hide my blush from him by turning towards the sink to wash the remaining dishes. A second later, I felt Jake’s arms encircle me as his body closed in on mine. It felt so good to be near him. I missed everything about him when he was not with me, including his smell.
He closed the tap and pushed the dish out of my hands. “Leave it,” he said. “I’ll do it later.”
“It’ll only take me a minute,” I said, enjoying the way he was running his hands up and down my legs.
“Leave it,” he said again.
Slowly and deliberately, he turned me around to face him. His blue eyes were soft and thoughtful, and I noticed there was a deeper emotion beneath them.
“How was Luis?” I asked.
“He’s leaving soon,” Jake replied. “He wants to meet you one day.”
I smiled. “I’d like to meet him, too.”
“Would you?”
“Of course… I want to meet your friends and your family.”
“But you don’t want me to meet yours?”
I tensed a little. “Only because I don’t want you to think badly of me.”
“That’s not possible,” he assured me.
I shook my head and removed myself from his arms as I walked over to the living room. “Everything is possible,” I said, sitting down on the sofa.
Jake followed me there and sat down beside me. “Did Noah tire you out?”
“Not at all,” I assured him. “It was so much fun spending time with him today. I love that kid.”
“I think it’s safe to say he loves you, too,” Jake said.
I glanced over at him. “And…how do you feel about that?”
He took my hand and kissed it tenderly. “I feel a little scared,” he admitted. “But I also feel really happy.”
I smiled despite myself. “Yeah?”
“Yeah,” he nodded. “I watch you with him, and it just feels so natural. I can see that you have a connection with him. It’s impossible to deny.”
“I don’t want to take Daphne’s place, Jake,” I said softly. “But I do hope that there’s room in your life and Noah’s life for me.”
“I think it’s safe to say there is,” he replied.
I smiled and leaned in to kiss him. I was about to pull away, but Jake grabbed me and pushed me back onto the sofa. He climbed on top of me, and I could tell where this was leading.
“No,” I said firmly, trying to push his hands away.
“I want you,” Jake growled, and I felt myself moisten instantly at his words.
“And, I want you,” I said. “But not here.”
“Noah’s asleep,” Jake pointed out.
“What if he wakes up and walks in here?” I asked. “He doesn’t even really know about us…”
Jake kept kissing my neck, so I pushed him back, grabbed his hand and pulled him down the hallway towards his bedroom. Once the door was firmly shut behind us, I led him to his bed and started to undress him. His cock was rock hard, and I had to maneuver his pants around his erection.
The sight of his beautiful hard penis inspired me, and I found myself slipping to my knees in front of him. Without titillation, I slipped his cock into my mouth. I had the satisfaction of hearing a moan escape Jake and that alone gave me the confidence to take him deeper into my mouth. I sucked him hard and could feel his body respond to what I was doing. He seemed to be shaking, and his hands stroked the top of my head as I sucked his dick.
“Fuck,” he moaned.
I pulled out just in time to watch him cum violently. Smiling, I sat down on the edge of his bed as his breathing calmed a little. He wiped himself off and sat down beside me.
“Sorry,” he said. “That probably wasn’t very fun for you.”
“On the contrary, that was extremely fun for me,” I said.
“Are you sure you were a virgin before me?” he checked.
I laughed. “Pretty sure.”
“Well, it’s your turn,” he said, pushing me back onto his bed and positioning my legs apart.
First, he used his fingers and then he used his tongue until I was moaning and writhing and trying to squash my screams by gritting my teeth together. After I had cum, we lay naked in Jake’s bed listening to each other’s breathing. It was bliss to feel so complete with a man. I had never experienced anything like this before.
For a second, I wondered if this was what Mom felt when she was with Ted. Was that why she was so completely blind where he was concerned? Because if I was feeling what she had felt all these years, I realized that I would find it extremely hard to blame her.
“What are you thinking about?” Jake asked me.
“I’m thinking of sex and love and everything in between,” I replied.
He smiled. “You want to know what I’m thinking?”
“Do tell?”
“I’m thinking that I want to fuck you in the shower,” Jake said, pulling me closer into the circle of his arms. “And afterward, I want to bring you back to this bed and fuck you again.”
I smiled. “That’s ambitious of you.”
“Oh trust me, you haven’t seen nothing yet.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Prove it,” I challenged.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Jake
Noah was asleep in his room, and Kristen had left a few minutes ago. Usually, she spent the night and left early morning before Noah woke, but she claimed she had been neglecting her apartment and her friend Melody, and she needed to make amends where both were concerned.
It was surprising and even a little annoying how dependent I had become on Kristen. The moment she had left, I had felt a little pang of loneliness, and now I was sitting on my couch in the living room feeling dejected and slightly sorry for myself. I looked towards the picture of Daphne and smiled at her for what felt like the first time in years.
“Hi, hon,” I said softly. “It’s been a while since we spoke, huh?”
I hadn’t been able to think of her in a long time, and now that my heart had been healed slightly, I realized that my memories of Daphne had changed. At least the lens through which I viewed those memories had changed. They were no longer pierced with pain and sadness. Now I could remember her and see the beauty and the love and the happiness in the time we had spent together. Obviously, each memory was tinged with bittersweet notes, but at least I could appreciate certain things now.
“You were my first real best friend, Daphne,” I said to her image. “After Henry, I didn’t have anyone to talk to. And then I met you, and I found my partner in life. I never thought I’d find myself searching again, but here we are. And to be honest… I think it’s happened again. I found a new best friend.”
Daphne looked at me calmly. She was a beautiful woman, just like Kristen, and I wondered for a moment if they would have liked each other had they ever met. Obviously, the circumstances would have been totally different, but somehow it made me feel better to imagine that they might have gotten along had Daphne been alive.
“She’s an amazing woman, Daphne,” I continued. “I think you would have liked her. And she’s great with Noah. You will always be his mother, but maybe Kristen could possibly hold down the fort for you? You would want that, wouldn’t you? You would want Noah to have someone to love him…like you would have.”
I felt my eyes start to water a little, but I kept going. “I know you weren’t yourself before you deployed. I know that if you’d given it time, you would have wanted to be a mother; you would have been excited. I should have educated myself about what you were going through. I should have been there for you. Instead, I made you feel guilty for not feeling what I thought you should have been feeling. It was my mistake, and I can’t tell you how sorry I am.
“We both made mistakes, Daphne… We were both young and unprepared for everything that happened. And there’s no point trying to sort through all of it now. What’s done is done. What’s happened has happened. All I want to say to you now is…I’m sorry, and I forgive you. I hope that wherever you are, you can find it in your heart to forgive me, too.”
Wiping away the stray tear that had fallen, I got out my phone and scrolled through the pictures of the Halloween that had just passed. It was the first time we had really made an event out of it. Noah was too young the first time around, and the next few years, I had just been trying to stay afloat. So when Kristen had brought it up this year, I had decided to get into the spirit of the holiday for Noah.
He had decided he wanted to be a dinosaur, so Kristen had made him a fantastic costume that Noah had gone nuts over. Kristen had shown up as Cher in one of her more modest outfits, and I had put on my old uniform for the first time in years and gone as the ghost of my past life. I had meant to be ironic, but wearing the uniform had filled me with vigor, and I had enjoyed myself the whole night.
I scrolled through the pictures, and I couldn’t help noticing that we looked like any other ordinary happy family. A few people had actually mistaken us for just that. Noah was over the moon the whole night. He brought home a bag of candy, and the three of us had sat around the coffee table in the living room counting chocolates and sampling all our favorites.
Noah had stayed up past twelve that night, and it had taken five bedtime stories and a dozen nursery rhymes to coax him to sleep. Then Kristen and I had stayed in the living room and continued eating the candy that Noah had spent all night collecting. I was still looking through pictures when a call came in on my phone. When I saw who was calling, I felt a little pang and thought how life was sometimes full of signs.
“Isabelle,” I said, answering the call. “How are you?”
“Hi, Jake,” Isabelle replied. “I’m doing well. How is Noah?”
“Noah’s doing good,” I nodded. “He fell asleep a little while ago.”
“Oh that’s too bad, I would have liked to speak to him,” she said. “It’s been too long since I’ve seen him.”
“I’m sorry, I should have called you before now.”
“I understand, Jake…”
“No, but I never fully apologized to you for freaking out the last time we spoke.”
“You didn’t freak out,” she said gently. “You just got…emotional. Which is completely understandable.”
“I just…it was hard for me to talk about her,” I admitted. “It hurt too much.”
“I suppose for me it helps to talk about her,” Isabelle said. “Which is why I kept pushing the topic. I should have realized it might be different for you. Which was why I decided to stay away for a little while and give you some space.”
“And, I appreciate that,” I said gratefully. “But I’ve had enough space now, and I don’t want to keep you away from Noah. He should know his grandmother.”
Isabelle’s voice got soft and tender. “How’s my little boy?” she asked. “He’s four-and-a-half now, isn’t he?”
“He’s going to be five soon,” I said. “I can’t quite believe it.”
“Neither can I,” Isabelle said. “It feels like just yesterday I was at the hospital with Daphne.”
We fell silent for a moment. “If you’re worried about upsetting me by talking about Daphne, you don’t have to worry. I’m okay to talk about her.”
“Really?”
“Well…the last few months have been sort of transformative for me,” I said. “I think I’ve done a lot of healing in that time.”
“That’s wonderful to hear,” she said. “In fact, I can hear the change in your voice. You sound like the old Jake.”
“The old Jake,” I repeated, with a smile. “I suppose he’s come back a little bit.”
“Oh, Jake, I’m so glad… I knew how hard the last few years have been for you.”
“I’ve come to terms with what happened,” I said. “Daphne’s death and everything that followed was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to live through. But I did it, and I’d like to think I’m stronger for it.”
“Have you forgiven her, Jake?” Isabelle asked.
Again I thought about the timing of certain things as I mused on life’s strangeness. “I have,” I nodded honestly. “She’s not the only one who needs forgiving, though. I did my fair share of damage.”
“You didn’t expect her to re-enlist,” Isabelle said comfortingly.
“She enlisted because she couldn’t talk to me,” I said. “I’m not unaware that I drove her to Afghanistan.”
“She loved it there too much,” Isabelle said. “And being here with Noah… She didn’t think she knew herself anymore.”
“This conversation would have had me spiraling a year ago,” I admitted. “But now, I can handle it. It’s even therapeutic to talk about it.”
“I’m glad to hear that,” she said. “Because I like talking about Daphne; it makes me feel like I haven’t totally lost my daughter.”
“How have you been, Isabelle?” I asked. “How are your travels going?”
“I’ve been in France for the last six months,” she said.
“Wow.”
Isabelle laughed. “It was a wonderful experience. I think I might actually retire there one day. But it’s still nice to be back home… I think I’m going to stick around for a while. I don’t want to miss out on seeing Noah grow up.”
“Wait, does that mean you’re in town right now?”
“I am,” she replied. “And I’m hoping you’re going to be free to meet me?”
“Even if I wasn’t free, I’d make time,” I said. “Noah is going to be thrilled to see you.”
“I’d like to spend a day with him.”
“How does tomorrow sound?” I asked willingly.
“Really?”
“Really.”
Isabelle laughed. “I’d love that,” she said. “I can’t wait. It’s been too long since I’ve spent time with him… Has he changed much?”
“He’s a little more talkative now,” I said. “He’s come out of his shell. Kristen’s really helped him—”
The moment I said her name I faltered a little, realizing that I hadn’t mentioned Kristen to Isabelle at this point. Isabelle noticed the change immediately.
“Kristen?” she asked, and her tone shifted slightly.
“Um…yes. She’s my secretary,” I said awkwardly.
“Your secretary?” Isabelle asked, and her tone was dubious.
“Well, she’s more like a friend now.”
“Just a friend?” she asked pointedly.
I smiled. “Well…”
“If you’re seeing someone, Jake, you don’t have to feel guilty to tell me,” Isabelle said. “I’m happy that you’re past your pain and can think about getting on with your life. You’re still a young man, and you deserve to be happy.”
“Thank you, Isabelle,” I said appreciatively. “You’ve always been a good mother-in-law.”
“And, I hope to continue to be,” she said. “You know, I would like to meet her, Jake.”
I paused for a moment, wondering what Kristen would say to that. But then I realized that Kristen had no problem meeting my friends and family. She was just nervous about introducing me to her parents.
“I would like you to meet her, too,” I said. “It’s important to me that you like her.”
“I’m sure I will,” Isabelle said. “What is she like?”
I smiled. “She’s great with Noah,” I said immediately. “She cooks for him all the time. She reads to him and helps him with his homework. She was the one who took him out for Halloween this year.”
“Do you have pictures?” Isabelle asked longingly.
“I’ll show you a couple tomorrow,” I said. “You know what? Why don’t you come over tomorrow morning and have breakfast with the two of us? We can give Noah a little surprise?”
“Sounds perfect,” she agreed. “And what about your new girlfriend?”
“I’m not sure if she’ll be able to join us tomorrow,” I said. “I’ll ask her if she’s up to an early dinner, but even if she can’t make it, we’ll make plans to meet another time before you head off to your next country.”
Isabelle laughed. “I’m not in a hurry to go anywhere else for the time being,” she said. “I think I’d just like to stay put and enjoy my grandson for a while.”
After we had hung up, I turned to the picture of Daphne. I remembered how destroyed her mother had been during the funeral. It had taken a year before Isabelle looked normal again. After that, she had started traveling to bury the heat of her pain, and just like me, she was starting to regain her footing once more. She was starting to enjoy her life again.
“We’re okay, Daphne,” I whispered softly to her image. “We’re all going to be okay.”
And I hoped that wherever Daphne was, she could hear me.