Chapter Thirty-Seven
Trethan
Dad’s face, when he turned to look at me, was set in a sneer, his eyes hard and glinting. “You can barely even ride a carousel pony,” he said. “What makes you think that you could ever ride a proper bull? You’re worthless; you know that?”
“I’m not worthless,” I said, even though his words made me feel small inside. I was small, though: I was just a child in my vision, no more than five years old. And stupid enough to think that, after watching the rodeo when it was in town, I could be one of those guys someday. The cool guys.
“Not worthless?” the man asked incredulously. “Well, why don’t you show me what you have, then? Let’s get you out on one of the bulls and see you try to handle it. You’d go flying before the thing even bucked.”
The scene merged into another one before it could advance any further, an even darker scene that I was even more desperate to escape from.
He had me pinned back against the wall, so close to me I could smell the stink of alcohol on his breath, hot on my face. It was a familiar feeling and a familiar fight. I was older now, but I still felt small inside, like I always did when he came home like this.
He reeked of booze and cigarette smoke, and I wondered who had pissed him off that night. But for all that I knew, no one had even pissed him off. For all that I knew, my very existence was enough to rile him up like this.
I had tried to stay out of his way that night, as I always did when he was out late. But I’d forgotten my phone downstairs, stupidly enough, and when the thing started ringing, instead of just turning it off, Dad stomped upstairs looking for me, ready to push me around.
“Give me one good reason that I shouldn’t consider you a worthless failure,” he said. “All you’re good for is selling drugs, and you’re not even good at that. The only reason the sheriff hasn’t thrown you in jail yet is because you’re not worth the time or the paperwork. You’re not worth anyone’s time.”
He leered at me. “You’re certainly not worth the time of that stuck-up bitch that you’ve been hanging around with. She’s going to college, isn’t she? Leaving you behind here in this backwater town. Sure, she’ll find some rich doctor or lawyer to take care of her and give her the life you could never hope to give her.”
I pushed at him, trying to get him to let go of me. “Might have had a chance to be a little less worthless if I hadn’t grown up with such a deadbeat for a dad,” I snapped.
He didn’t like that. Not one bit. The punch wasn’t a surprise. I let him have that first hit because I knew it would defuse some of his anger. I deserved it anyway – no one should talk to their father that way.
I swallowed hard and grappled with him.
The scene changed again. This time, to a scene that had never happened.
It was our wedding day, and Vanessa looked resplendent in a simple, knee-length white dress. She smiled over at me from where she was standing next to John. My own father came up beside me, laughing at me. “What, you think you deserve to be here?” he asked. “Vanessa only invited you here because she feels sorry for you. Because she wants you to see everything that you might have had if you hadn’t fucked it up.”
Because of course, this wasn’t our wedding, Vanessa’s and mine. There was someone else there on the other side of her, opposite John. A laughing, dark-haired man, whose tanned arms were strong around Vanessa’s waist. She laughed at something that he said and then tilted her head back for a kiss.
I started forward, but Dad put a hand on my arm. “Are you really going to interrupt them?” he asked cruelly. “They’re married now. She doesn’t want you. No one wants you. Even John doesn’t want you to keep working on the ranch anymore, you know that. You’re too much of a liability.”
“No,” I said, shaking my head.
“Yes,” Dad said, sounding gleeful at the way he could get under my skin like that. “You’re worthless. A total waste of space.”
“No,” I said again, louder this time. But in the back of my mind, I knew that it was useless to argue with him anymore. He was nothing more than a ghost.
I wasn’t useless. I wasn’t worthless.
I looked back at where Vanessa and her new husband were laughing, and I couldn’t help but wonder if she might not be happier with someone else. If there was one thing that my bull-riding escapades had proven, it was that I wasn’t capable of providing a secure and stable life for her. I might have a job that I loved, but it didn’t pay well enough to give her the life that she deserved.
She deserved someone better.
And if I couldn’t support the woman that I loved, if I couldn’t create the family life that I had always craved, then maybe I was just as worthless as my father always said I was.
As though summoned by my thoughts, Vanessa turned back toward me, and this time there was a pleading look in her eyes. “Trethan, I need you to wake up,” she said. “I don’t know how I’m going to live without you. I can’t live without you.”
I slowly blinked open my eyes, staring up at the bright white lights above me and wondering where I was. It wasn’t another of my nightmares – my dad was nowhere to be seen. Buried deep in the ground where he belonged, I hoped.
I shifted, wincing in pain. God, everything hurt, from my head all the way down to my toes. I tried to turn my head to the side, but I found that I couldn’t move it. I clung to Vanessa’s hand, needing her to tell me what was happening, where I was.
“Trethan? Trethan, are you awake?” she asked, sounding frantic, her face swimming into my field of vision.
I licked my dry lips slowly, trying to force a sound out, not sure which felt fuzzier, my brain or the inside of my mouth. “Yeah,” I finally managed to say.
Just that simple acknowledgment, that one word, had Vanessa bursting into tears. She clung to me, and I tried to hide how much it hurt to feel her weight on me like that. But she seemed to realize it anyway, no doubt sensing the way that I stiffened, and she pulled away, babbling apologies.
“I know you’re still in a lot of pain,” she said. “But you can’t imagine how relieved I am to see you awake. The doctor said he wasn’t sure if you’d ever wake up again. Trethan, I was so scared.”
I blinked at her, trying to remember anything. But there was a total blank in my mind. “What happened?”
A look of horror crossed Vanessa’s face, and she blinked rapidly to keep back more tears. “I guess I should run through all those questions, right? What’s your name, what year is it, and all of that.” She took a deep breath.
“I know who I am,” I said peevishly. I turned my head marginally to look at my surroundings. “I can even guess where I am,” I said, heart starting to race a little. “Vanessa, what am I doing in the hospital?” I had a sickening feeling in my gut. Surely, I hadn’t… “I didn’t OD again, did I?” I whispered. “I’ve been doing so good.”
She looked stricken and then quickly shook her head. “Oh no,” she said. “You didn’t overdose.”
I relaxed back against the pillows. “Good,” I said fervently. “So, what the hell happened? Car accident?”
She bit her lower lip. “The rodeo,” she said. “That amateur bull-riding competition.”
It all came flooding back, and I grimaced. No wonder I was so sore; I could barely remember the bull speeding toward me and the awkward way I fell before landing. “How long have I been out?” I asked, waiting with bated breath for her answer.
“Six days. The doctor said there was a lot of swelling around your brain and that even if you woke up again, we weren’t sure what kind of damage you’d have suffered.” She cleared her throat awkwardly, and I could tell that she wanted to ask me questions about it but wasn’t sure how to.
I frowned, trying my hardest to wiggle first my toes and then my fingertips. Everything seemed to be working properly. I was just incredibly sore. I let out a breath that I hadn’t realized I was holding. “I’m all right,” I told Vanessa. “Might take me a bit before I’m back to work on the ranch, but I think everything’s going to be okay.”
She looked tearfully hopeful at that. Suddenly, she put her head down on my chest and started to cry. It hurt to move, but I managed to lift a hand and lightly stroke the back of her head. “Hey, it’s all right,” I said. “I’m okay.”
“What if you weren’t, though?” she asked, pulling back to stare at me, looking as though she couldn’t decide whether she was angry or just relieved. “Trethan, you have no idea how I’ve felt all week, knowing that it was my fault that you were even riding in this thing.”
“What do you mean, it was your fault?” I asked incredulously. “It was my idea, wasn’t it? It was something that I’ve always wanted to do. You kept reminding me how dangerous it was, and I wouldn’t listen to you.”
“Yeah, but you were just doing it so that you could win the prize money and help me out with funding my gallery,” Vanessa said, sounding utterly tortured. “It was so selfish of me to let you go along with that. I knew things weren’t going to end well.”
“I’m all right, though,” I said, trying to calm her down some. I could only imagine how difficult this week must have been for her. “I’m really glad that you’re here,” I murmured.
She laughed a little, sounding exhausted. “I’ve hardly left,” she admitted. “Brent’s here too, somewhere. He went to get us coffee. And, my dad’s here, too. He went to get me food.” She grimaced. “I haven’t really been taking care of myself. I’ve just been so worried about you. And, I didn’t want you to wake up and be in here by yourself. I can only imagine how frightening that would have been.”
“Definitely confusing,” I said, nodding my head a little. I grimaced, still feeling sore. “Well, I’d love to get up to all my porno fantasies with you in a white nurse’s outfit while I’m in here, but honestly, I think for once I might be too sore to get it up.” It was embarrassing to admit, but Vanessa’s shocked expression was worth the admission.
Then, she looked away from me, a bitter smile on her face. “Sex, that’s all you can think about, isn’t it?”
“Well, when I’m with a hot babe like you…” I said, shrugging as best as I could. The small movement sent pain jolting through my head.
Vanessa shook her head, looking as though she might start crying again. “I don’t know if I can do this anymore, Trethan,” she said.
The words hit me like a load of bricks, totally stunning me. Was she saying what I thought she was saying? “Way to kick a man when he’s already down,” I said, trying to make my tone light when it felt like my world was crashing down around me.
Vanessa shook her head. “It’s just too difficult,” she said. “I thought that I could be okay with whatever it was we were doing, but I’m not. I’m just not that kind of girl.”
I caught her hand in mine, frowning up at her. “Look, if you don’t want me to ride bulls anymore, consider it done,” I said. “Hell, after this, I’m not sure that I could even get on the mechanical bull again. I’m sure they loaded me up with painkillers, and I still hurt like a son of a bitch.”
“It’s not about the bull riding,” Vanessa said, shaking her head.
“What is it, then?” I asked softly.
“It’s that I’m in love with you, and you just want to have sex with me,” she finally blurted out. There was a faint blush on her cheeks, but mostly, she just seemed heartbroken to say it.
“Do you know what it felt like, to think that I might have lost you?” she continued, before I could fully wrap my head around her words. “I started thinking about what my life would be like if you never woke up, and I hated the thought of it. But then you wake up and all you care about is sex, and I-”
“Hey, slow down,” I interrupted at last, squeezing her hands tight. “Vanessa. Hey.” I sighed and looked away from her, remembering the dreams I’d had of my father calling me worthless. “Maybe I really don’t deserve you if I’ve made you feel like all I care about is sex. You deserve to be with a guy who makes you feel like you’re the most important thing in the world. Like he would go to any lengths to give you what you want in life. Everything that you want in life.
“I thought that maybe I could be that guy – that if I could just win this competition and get you the prize money, that you would be able to open your gallery and we could start our lives together here in White Bluff. But I guess that was a stupid dream.”
“I knew you were just doing it so that you could get the money for me,” Vanessa said, pulling her hands away.
“I’m not good at big, romantic gestures,” I admitted, shrugging as much as I was able to. “I thought that if I could help you open your gallery, that would be a start, at least.”
“A big, romantic gesture?” she asked uncertainly.
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, looking toward the wall even though I knew that I ought to be a man and look her in the eye while I told her what I was about to tell her. “Vanessa, I am madly in love with you,” I confessed. “Have been since we were teenagers. You’ve been the bright spot in my otherwise mediocre existence.”
She blinked at me. “You really mean that?” she asked softly.
“Of course, I do,” I said. “Did you ever think for a moment that I didn’t love you?” She paused, and I held up a hand. “Okay, don’t answer that question,” I said, laughing. “Vanessa, I love you. You’re smart, and you’re sexy as hell, and you care about people in a way that just amazes me. I don’t even like art all that much, but I could listen to you talk about your gallery all day. And I really appreciate that you have stayed here with me the whole time I’ve been in the hospital. Even though,” I wrinkled my nose playfully, “you kind of stink.”
Vanessa stared at me for a moment and then burst out laughing. “You ass!” she cried, lightly punching my shoulder.
“Ouch, don’t hit the invalid!” I said, only partly teasing.
She sobered up quickly at that. “Sorry,” she said, bending down to kiss the spot that she had punched. Then, she looked deep into my eyes. Whatever she saw there made the corners of her mouth curve into a smile, and she leaned in to kiss my lips gently. “I love you, too,” she breathed as she broke the kiss.
“I know,” I said simply.