Chapter 19
At the first pop, Sage jumped and then giggled as she arched her head to watch the spray of gold light the night sky. “Oh, wow. Cool.”
Luke loved fireworks, but they could hardly hold his attention. Tonight, there was something even more amazing to watch, and she was right next to him, her body shadowing his as she gazed up—the green and blues sparkling in her eyes.
“Oh, that one was pretty.”
He smiled, absolutely loving this moment and the feel of her and being with her.
“Oh, look at that one.” She pointed up and to the right as the faint music to accompany the fireworks drifted over them from the various radios around now tuning in for the show. “I love the blue ones.”
The thing that amazed him the most was how much she delighted in the simple things—washing dishes, blue fireworks. Never would he have believed that Sage Wentworth would be out here, after dark, laying in a field, oohing and aahing over slapdash, cheap fireworks set off by a bunch of hicks from the sticks off a trailer bed. This was about as far away from Hollywood and Rodeo Drive as you could get.
“Look. Look.” She pointed to the left as another spray of light danced in the sky. “I love that one.”
Luke’s gaze slid down to her as her hand alighted on his chest. He was falling in love too, and it wasn’t with the fireworks.
Sage was sad when the finale faded from the sky, leaving the world in darkness again. She hated the darkness. It scared her because it always held the unknown of what came next. Knowing one of those things was disentangling herself from him, Sage picked herself up, feeling every molecule of her skin that had melded with his. Crazy how warm she could be one moment and how utterly ice-cold the next.
She brought her hand up to her arm in the place that was now chilled, and backed away from him as the lights around them flickered back on. “That was really great.”
“Who knew, right?” he asked, swinging himself up and resting his elbow on his knee as he looked at her.
Suddenly she knew how disheveled she must be, and she ran her hand over her hair. “Oh, wow. I must be a mess.”
“You’re beautiful. As always.” Luke leaned forward and for one insane second she thought he was going to kiss her. Instead he stood, dusted his jeans off and reached down for her hand. “Do you know where your folks are?”
Reality, which had a way of doing that to her, crashed back in. Sage let him pull her up and then dusted herself off and ran her hand over her hair again. “No clue. But I’d better get back to the van if I don’t want to get reamed out again.”
Luke sighed, and she knew he remembered. “Okay. Well, then we need to get you back.” And with that he reached over and took her hand.
Panic surged on her. Why did he keep doing that? Out here where everyone could see them? And now the lights were on. “Um.” She glanced down at their hands, folded together, loving how it felt but knowing he was asking for major trouble doing that.
However, he looked at her as if he had no clue of the ramifications of being seen with her. “What?”
She wanted to tell him, wanted to say, Please leave me alone for your sake. Her gaze tripped around them to the others now gathering blankets and kids. “You don’t have to. I’m sure I can find them.”
There were just certain times in a man’s life when he knows walking away would be the easy path but not the right one. This was one of those times. “Or I can spend a few more minutes with you, and we can find them together.”
Gratefulness, the depths of which Luke could hardly fathom, went through her eyes, and he smiled at her. “Come on.” And not letting her go, they headed out to find her parents.
They made it to the van before anyone else mostly because Luke knew it better than his own mother’s car. For that, Sage was eternally grateful because she’d have still been out here looking when it was the only one left. Vehicles snaked everywhere around them, headed for the two side gates in a not very well choreographed dance.
“So,” Luke said when they were beside it, one hand in hers the other in the pocket of his jeans.
Sage was one second from saying thank you, you’re wonderful, and can you never leave again when she heard the loud laughter coming their way. His gaze jerked that direction and hers followed. Jaycee and someone Sage didn’t know. Pain stabbed through her heart. So this was how perfection ended. She retrieved her hand from his, putting it on her other elbow, and he looked down at her as his hand went to his beltline.
“Luke?” Jaycee said, walking up and looking back and forth between them, clearly fighting to hide her dismay and disgust.
Jumping in was not a question, and Sage did it before she even had time to think. “Oh, I ran into him on the way back out here. He was helping me find the van. You know how easy it is for me to get lost.”
The scowl on Luke’s face as he twined his arms in front of him and stared at her sent messages Sage could neither handle nor hold, so she focused instead on Jaycee’s friend. Sticking her hand out, she smiled. “I’m Sage by the way.”
“Rachel,” the girl said, looking from her to Luke and back again.
“It’s great to meet you, Rachel. Did you enjoy the fireworks?”
As he watched her, all Luke wanted to do was grab her, drag her around the van and tell her she didn’t have to do that. He hated this game, and his mother’s words about not turning on and off who you really were coursed through his being.
“We didn’t have this kind of thing in California,” Sage was saying, and with every fiber he hated that sugary-sweet quality to her voice. It was too bubbly. Too cheerful. “We did go out to Anaheim Stadium a couple of times, but the crowds there make this look sane.”
Rachel looked star struck. Jaycee looked half a second away from killing her sister.
“Oh, good.” Her parents and Ryder came around the front from the other direction, and Luke wanted to scream Enough already!
Instead, he took another step away from her, raked his fingers through his hair, and ducked his gaze. This was impossible.
“Did everyone enjoy the fireworks?” Mrs. Lawrence said, smiling at them as if she hadn’t wanted him dead two days before.
Why could he see it all so clearly now? The play-acting? The fake smiles, the phony cheerfulness? Had it always been like this? He couldn’t tell, but it was like seeing the flip side of the mirror where it all resembled real but was all backwards.
“They were great,” Rachel said.
“Awesome,” Jaycee said, but her tone was flat.
“Well, we’d better get going,” Mrs. Lawrence said. “It’ll be midnight before we get out of here.”
Luke wanted to say that leaving now was kind of pointless. All they were going to do was sit in traffic for an hour. He’d much rather they stay out here, so he could put his arms around Sage again and feel hers around him. One piece of him absurdly thought about asking if he could bring her home, but that would invite a fate worse than death, and he knew it. “Well, I’d better be getting too.”
Where he would go and why drifted through him, but his presence was making everyone uncomfortable. It was time to exit the situation as gracefully as possible. His gaze lingered on hers when it snagged here, and that same sad, soft smile slipped over to him. With everything in him, he hated this.
Her father was loading lawn chairs and the small cooler in the back as Sage backed up so Luke could leave without getting anywhere near her. However, as he crossed to the back, her father said, “Luke?”
And Luke stuck out his hand. “Drive careful, Mr. Lawrence.”
A second and her father shook the proffered hand. “You too.”
“I will. See ya.” With that Luke put his hands on his beltline and headed out across the dwindling parking lot, off into the darkness, and once again, Sage was left hating that darkness.
In his car, Luke knew it really was pointless to go anywhere. Give it 15 to 20 minutes, and then it would be okay. Sitting there in the dark, he rewound the tape of the evening, smiling at some parts, shaking his head at others. She was so amazing. Why wouldn’t she let anyone else see that?
We did go out to Anaheim Stadium a couple of times, but the crowds there make this look sane. Why did she have to do that? Why make California sound so much better when he knew the truth, or at least some of it? Unless that wasn’t real either. The thought scratched through his mind twice, and knowing he wasn’t going to like the answer, he dug out his phone.
She probably wouldn’t answer his question, but he needed to know.
Sage had just gotten comfortable in the backseat of the van when her phone buzzed. Surreptitiously she pulled it out, swiped it on, and set the light to as dim as possible before reading his message.
Have you ever watched the fireworks in Anaheim?
Her heart fell as she stared at the message. Of all the things in the world he could ask, that was not what she had expected. What could she say? Lie or tell the truth and let him know she had lied? The choice began closing in on her.
As she held the phone, it vibrated again and another message slid over that one.
Sage, I want to know. Have you ever watched the fireworks in Anaheim?
She put her head back and over onto the seat, let out a breath, and typed the two letters, knowing he was going to hate her.
No.
It came in, blinking, and Luke shook his head and exhaled hard. How much of her was fake? Was any of her real?
But we did go out to Disney once.
For some reason, the messages kept coming. One at a time like a faucet that someone forgot to turn off, and he just let them come, reading, trying to understand.
I got sick before the fireworks though, so we had to go home.
Sometimes we had a few in the park.
I went with Pate and Mac last year to Pate’s family’s out in the valley. They did fireworks.
His heart throbbed with every single message until he could take it no more. Carefully he typed a message back to her.
In the darkness of the back, Sage felt the desperation of him not saying anything all the way until his message came in.
Why didn’t you tell them that?
She closed her eyes, fighting the crushing feeling of him knowing. I couldn’t.
Why not? Why is reality not good enough?
Because they barely like me the way it is. If they knew…
If they knew what? What are you so afraid of everyone else seeing?
Me?
Luke read the syllable, and it knifed him to the core. Before he could respond another message came in.
I know you don’t understand, and I’m sorry. Really, I am. I just don’t think I can be who you want me to be.
I want you to be YOU!
Sage read it and then read it again. Her heart slid through her chest as stinging tears pooled in her eyes. Be YOU? She didn’t even know who that was, who he was asking her to be? She was doing her best to be Sage, and she was already failing miserably at that. How was she supposed to be someone she didn’t even know how to be? The masks were beginning to feel very heavy and awkward.
Leaning over, she put her head on the window and looked out at the snaking red lights like a trail of glowing ants making their way to the gates. She sighed, knowing he would never understand. Her phone buzzed in her hand, dragging her gaze down to it.
Talk to me.
Hurt cut through her, and she tipped the thing over to type.
I don’t know how to be what you want me to be.
Strangely, that felt like the first real thing she had said.
You really don’t know who that is, do you?
A moment and the message came in.
No.
It was the moment that Luke decided to stop pressing her to see what he saw. How he would ever show her, he had no idea, but he determined right then that he would not let the fake Sage win. “God, You’re going to have to help me here.”
On the keys, his fingers typed.
Well, believe me, she’s amazing, and I had an amazing time with her tonight. I can’t wait until I get to see her again. Could you tell her that for me?
The tears began to fall for real then, and Sage tapped the keys. I think you just did.
Over the next two days, Sage would get random texts, and every one made her shake her head at him, at his sense of humor, and at his doggedly not letting her sink into misery not to mention his soft insistence that she was amazing. Funny, she’d always wanted to be amazing. But secretly, she had always suspected that if anyone ever scratched below the surface, they would know how truly un-amazing she was.
On Friday, her heart jingled with the text bells, and she jumped up from the sewing machine to answer it. She had taken to sewing little things—a heart in a small pillow, a denim patch supply holder she’d seen once on the Internet and had always wanted to try but had never had time. Grabbing up the phone, she swiped it on, feeling like a starving dog when someone put out the food.
That was ridiculous one part of her said. How desperate and silly was she, feeling like this? But she couldn’t help it, and behind that closed door of her room, she wasn’t even going to try.
You going tonight?
Her worry shields came up. Going? Where?
Bonfire.
Sage watched the cursor blinking, waiting for her answer. It could only be one thing, and she knew it. As much as she wanted it to be something else, something else for her was not safe nor sane.
No.
Luke nodded, figuring as much. He typed back, letting it at that.
Okay.
Sage’s heart fell, and tears sprang into her eyes as she sat down hard on the bed. “I’m sorry, Luke. I’m so sorry.”
Thankfully her life sentence in her room had eased somewhat after the fireworks, and she was at least allowed at the table again. Still, she was smart enough to eat slowly and only what was passed her way. She spoke only when spoken to and only as much as absolutely necessary. It seemed that as long as she kept herself to a minimum, the others were perfectly happy to play along.
Baked chicken gone, Sage stood to clear the table. She was an expert at that now as well. Helping. Don’t draw attention, just do, and then disappear as soon as possible. It was astounding how good she had gotten at that.
“So you’re going to the bonfire?” her stepmother asked Jaycee who was stacking dishes in the dishwasher like an out-of-control tornado.
“Yeah.”
“Luke taking you?”
That jerked Sage’s gaze up and sent her heart skittering into her shoes, but she snapped the mask on tightly, got herself back to normal, and brought more dishes.
“Probably.”
“You know, I really have to get over there. Felicia is going to think I’m a horrible neighbor. Did you hear, Hannah cut her hand the other day?”
“No. Was it bad?”
“Five stitches I heard,” Mrs. Lawrence said. “I can’t imagine your baby being hurt all the way at school like that.”
Jaycee laughed. “She’s only half an hour away, Mom.”
“Still. I think I should just bubble wrap you and store you in the closet.”
“There’s a good idea,” Jaycee said, and they both laughed.
Sage set the last of the dishes on the cabinet and got out a dishrag to start drying. That was her job now, and they all seemed to let her do it without fanfare. It was so much easier being invisible.
“What time does the party start?” Mrs. Lawrence asked, putting another serving bowl in the second sink for Sage.
“Just after dark usually. It’s not like anyone sets a real time.”
Her stepmother sighed. “I remember the bonfires.” She shook her head as if lost in thought. “So many good times.”
“I know, Mom. You’ve told me.”
“Well, I just love the old stories, and trust me, someday you will too.”
Sage wished there would be old stories for her, but of course, there never would. Old stories were for other people, people who wanted to remember who they were and how far they had come. She didn’t want to remember any of that, and remembering that she didn’t want to remember was the only thing holding her in one piece.
After the dishes were done, Sage waited until Jaycee left and the others were in the living room watching the game before she slipped out of her room and into the den. She needed no more than the little reading light over the couch. Truth was, she probably wouldn’t get much reading done anyway. Too many thoughts, about him, about them, about tonight and what it meant.
Crazy how bad she wanted to fight for Luke, a guy she would never have looked at twice back home. Crazier still how little chance she really had with him. No, him and Jaycee were the perfect match. High school sweethearts, destined to…
“Knock. Knock.”
Confusion and disbelief swept through her as she looked up, realized who it was, and straightened. More confusion piled on as Sage’s heart drummed to life. Was it possible that all her thoughts had somehow convinced her that he could be standing there? Or could he really, actually be standing there? “Luke?”
Worry. Fear. Hope. They met in the middle of her heart and jammed there like five o’clock traffic on a Friday. “What? What’re you… doing here?”
His soft smile brought up even more panic in the middle of her. “Hope you don’t mind. Your folks said you were in here.”
“I… Uh… Yeah. No. Yeah. I mean, um, I don’t… I don’t… mind.”
He was walking now, coming over to her, and her heart was hammering harder with every step he took. What was he doing here? Why would he come? When he was right in front of her, his gaze slipped to the end of the couch just beyond her feet. “Mind if I join you?”
Oh. My. Lanta! In that white T-shirt and blue plaid shirt, he was the epitome of casual gorgeousness. Get it together, Sage! “Uh. N… no. I don’t mind.” She went to slide her feet off the couch, but he stopped her with a lifted hand.
“Hey, no. Don’t move on my account. I’m fine.”
Well, truer words were never spoken, darlin’. The thought went through her unbidden, and she blinked it back. What was she thinking? What was he doing? Was he really sitting down at the other end of this couch? This was insane.
Then logic and understanding gripped her and shook sense back over the insanity. “Uh, Jaycee’s not…”
But his gaze stopped her as he settled in on the couch. “Oh, I didn’t come for Jaycee.” Soft and vulnerable his eyes held hers. “I came to see you.”
Oh, for the love of Pete! This was getting worse by the second. Sage had to find a way to explain to her heart that this wasn’t what it was pleading for it to be or it would be game over for her sanity. “My parents…?”
“Yeah.” He hooked his thumb over his shoulder and resettled himself on the couch. “Your dad let me in.”
“My…” Okay, Sage! Breathe, child. Calm down! Her brain stumbled on another explanation. “Oh. Um, I… Didn’t you get my message? I’m not going to the bonfire.”
“Yeah.” He nodded slowly. “That’s why I’m here.”
Finally this made some sense. She let her head fall on the whisper of horrible understanding that at least told her heart to stop being ridiculous. “Oh, Luke. I’m not…”
He shrugged as he turned to her, laying his arm over the couch back. “I know.”
What did he know, and how could he know it, and why was he looking at her like that? It was making mush of her ability to talk herself out of thinking this could be real.
“So I figured we could just hang out, read a little Man’s Search for Meaning or something.” His mischievous grin came out. “But not the rancher one. I’m not really into the romance stuff.”
All her feelings collapsed into utter disbelief. “You… don’t have to do this for me.”
A second and he turned so he was looking right at her. “Yeah? Well, what if I want to?” He let out a breath, and his gaze fell. Then gently he brushed his fingers on her ankle, which sent tingles all the way through her. Half a bounce and his gaze came back up to hers. “Look, I don’t care if we go to the bonfire or Mars. I don’t even care if we sit right here and talk about baseball all night. I just want to spend some time with you.”
Sage lifted her eyebrows. “I don’t know much about baseball.”
The laugh started and spread to his smile and his eyes. “Well, then it’s about time you learn.”
Gratefulness that she hadn’t just outright thrown him out was all Luke could feel as they sat together, talking about the past couple of days. Her sewing. His fixing the hutches.
“So they each have their own little home?” Sage asked as he tried to explain the concept of calf hutches.
“Yeah. They’re not real complicated. I could probably have done them in my sleep.”
“You must be really good at it… woodworking I mean.”
Tipping his head to the side, Luke shrugged. “It’s something to do I guess.”
However, Sage narrowed her eyes. “But they were saying about the wishing well, how good it was.”
He shrugged. “It’s a few joints and some glue. It’s not a masterpiece or anything.”
Then as he watched, she did something he wasn’t at all prepared for. Slowly she closed the book in her lap, laid it to the side, and shifted herself all the way up and around so that she was suddenly sitting right next to him. Every alert blared to life in his body when she did that. In a half of the next heartbeat, her hand was in his, over it, covering it, on his thigh, and every normal functioning message in his brain and body short-circuited.
“Can I see it?” she asked, her eyes digging into his as if hope wasn’t just some word he’d heard one time.
Luke swallowed. She was so close, so incredibly close. He couldn’t breathe right. “The wishing well?”
“Anything you’ve done. I want to see it.”
A memory of a wooden piece with her name scrawled in it slipped into his mind, and he ducked his head, knowing he would never show that to her that in a million years. She would laugh at him if she ever saw it. “Um, I just play around. None of it’s really very good.”
Her gaze traced over his face, never so much as moving. “Still. Will you show it to me… sometime?”
The pull of her was incredible, and Luke finally gave up the fight and let his eyes go where they wanted to—up to hers, over her, into her, through her and right into the essence of her staring back at him. He couldn’t do it any longer, couldn’t hold himself back from what he had wanted to do for so long now. No words came as he closed his eyes and gave in to how much he wanted her.
Somehow part of him had always thought she would run in horror if this ever happened. Other parts had told him it never would. Instead, to his utter surprise, it was her that came to him, bending toward him until her lips warm and smooth brushed across his, setting off a myriad of fireworks in his very being. The soft shock of it gasped its way through him, jolting him and knocking every thought other than her from his mind. In that flash, all he wanted was more, but at the last second reality grabbed him, and he backed up, blinking that somehow she was here, with him, and she wasn’t running, and she wasn’t telling him to stop, and somehow, unbelievably, she was now looking at him like that.
His gaze searched hers, afraid for what he might find in her eyes, but instead of horror and revulsion, her smile was lit with starry sparkles of its own. Knowing how dangerous this was, Luke backed away from her an inch more, and with a shaking hand and another swallow sent his fingers through his hair. He’d never felt a power surge like this one. It had adrenaline and fire mixed with insanity and desire, and he wasn’t at all sure he could withstand another dose of it. “Sage….”
But she just smiled, the stars sparkling even brighter. “I know.” And then with no pretense, she snuggled down onto his shoulder, wrapping her arms through and around his so where he stopped and she started was impossible to tell. “So tell me about how you learned to do woodworking.”
Luke couldn’t remember. Seriously, with her fingers now twining with his like that, who could remember anything? “Well, um, I guess it started with watching my dad when I was little.”
Sage could have sat right there and listened and asked questions all night. This was far better than texting, far better even than going to sleep on his parents’ couch. They talked about his growing up in a house full of sisters—complete with the story of them dressing him up like a princess and painting his fingernails pink and orange. They talked about him and his dad and how much he liked escaping out to their work shed. And they talked about his mom and her trying to navigate her children’s relationships, loves, crushes, and break-ups.
“So what did she think about Jaycee?” Sage asked, her heart still saying this could never last and she wanted him to be taken care of when it ended.
Instead of answering, Luke looked down at her and narrowed his eyes. “Why does everything always come back to Jaycee?”
She shrugged one shoulder and dipped her chin. “I don’t know. Doesn’t it?”
This breath was hard and he shifted himself and lifted his arm to put it around her. Even when she was settled there, neither of them said anything.
Finally, he turned to her and looked down. “Look Sage, if I wanted to be with Jaycee right now, I would be.”
And her heart fell.
“But I’m not. Am I?”
She shook her head as sadness washed over her. “But when I’m gone.”
He let out a longer breath filled with frustration. “You really think when you’re gone, I’m going to forget about the most amazing girl I’ve ever met?”
It was hard, but she shrugged. “You might.”
“And what if I don’t?”
At that her gaze trailed up to his. She wanted to say something, but it came out a half shrug as tears stung her eyes.
Gently he pulled her to him and held her there. “I guess I’m just going to have to prove to you you’re not the forgettable kind.” Another moment and his embraced relaxed. “Huh?”
Sage backed up but got caught in the web of his gaze and lost her ability to move. He smiled softly, shook his head, and slipped his fingers into the strands of hair at her neck.
“Like I could ever forget…”
“Eh-hmm.” The sound at the door sent Sage careening backward, and only because Luke caught her did she not fall right off of the couch. In the next breath she was sitting away from him, trying desperately to get real snapped over whatever that dream was.
Her stepmother strode into the room and over to the bookshelf. “It’s getting kind of late, don’t you think, Luke?”
Looking over at Sage, he shifted. “Um, yeah. I guess so.”
She retrieved a book, spun and smiled at them with the most fake smile ever, and Sage knew with one look this was a kamikaze mission. “We would hate for you to get into trouble over being over here too late, wouldn’t we, Sage?”
Breath had left. “Yeah. Yes. Of course.” And her voice launched up a pitch. “We were just saying that, weren’t we, Luke? That it was getting late.” However, when she looked over at him, his face had gone hard. Pleading with him to understand flooded her heart. “We were, right?”
“Yeah.”
And with her stepmother standing right there like a smirking guard, they stood from the couch. He looked both wary and sad when his gaze came down to hers. “Guess I’ll see you in the morning.”
She nodded, unable to say anything. A second and he ducked, turned, and walked out.
Nobody and nothing moved for the longest minute of her life, and then like a snake intent on dinner, her stepmother came over to her. “Don’t think I don’t know what you’re up to.” She nodded after the long-since gone figure. “I just hope he can recover his good name in this town after you’re gone. Sad he’s going to let you seeing how you’ve already ruined one decent guy’s good name.”
And with that she brushed past her and walked out.