Chapter 36
In her soft gray crosshatch blazer and miniskirt with her white shell top, Sage sat in Pastor Steve’s office, praying that Luke was praying for her as she had asked him to. She needed all of the prayers she could get.
“Although I think we’re all aware that this meeting is simply a beginning,” Pastor Steve said, “I do think there are issues we need to get on the table so everyone is aware of them. So, Sage, if you don’t mind, I’d like to start with you.”
She nodded and her own prayers ramped up.
“I’d like to hear your thoughts on the current living arrangements and what you think should change and how.”
Considering everything, it was a downright miracle she didn’t run. “Well, Pastor.” She managed to look right at him, and in his eyes, she found only compassion. “I really, really appreciate everything you and Ja… I mean, Mrs. Mitchell have done for me. You’ve taught me so much, and I love being here.” Letting out a breath, she closed her eyes to gather her courage. “But the truth is, when I came here to North Carolina, I didn’t expect to be living with people I didn’t even know.” The shrug was like that of a small child. “I’m sure it’s naïve and everything, but I had this… this fantasy about coming and meeting my family, what it would be like to have a brother and a sister, and a dad and a mom.
“But then I think when I’m over there, I’m just in the way. I know I’m not wanted there, and so that makes me feel like it’s better if I stay here. But then I know I’m in the way here too because you and Mrs. Mitchell have your own lives and you don’t have the time to be worrying about me all the time. I guess I just feel in the way no matter where I am, which makes me think I should just go back home, but the truth is, I’m pretty much in the way there too.” Sage, keep it together. Breathing down the tears took a long, slow almost inhuman breath, but just saying the words was akin to treason, crying would surely betray her upbringing all the way down.
“Sage,” her father said, “you’re not in the…” Then his gaze snagged on his wife who sat bolt upright, a scowl on her face.
With one look at her stepmother, Sage gave up the fight. “But I am. And you and I both know it.” Her eyes blinked closed on the pain. “Maybe I should just call Mom and tell her I’m coming home…”
“Okay, now hold on there.” The pastor held up his hand. “I don’t think going back is any kind of solution to this—not without some major discussion with your mother anyway. Sending you back into a home where there is alcoholism and the kind of behavior you’ve been exposed to… Well, I’m not willing to watch that happen, and I know Jane is not either.” He let out a breath and looked at her parents. “Jane and I have talked about this, and we’re willing to let Sage stay here through the school year if necessary.”
Sage’s eyes jerked open wide. “Wh…? Stay here?” Shaking herself, she sat back in shock.
“Pastor,” Emily said. “Don’t misunderstand, we’re very grateful, but we can’t just dump our problems on your doorstep and expect you to…”
“Sage is my daughter,” her father said. “I don’t think I would feel right…”
The pastor held up his hands to stop them, and after a moment they all stopped. Slowly he lowered his hands. “In my experience when there is a wound, you do certain things in order. First, you get the bleeding to stop. Then you assess the next steps needed for healing and take the appropriate action.” He glanced at Sage. “For the last couple of weeks, we have slowed the bleeding, but I think all of us recognize that this solution was only temporary. I think it’s time to assess and see what our next steps should be to find a permanent solution.”
A breath and the pastor continued, “When I look at the situation, I see that Emily is not ready for Sage to come back to your home. I couldn’t in good conscience send Sage back to California although I’m practical enough to know that is going to take some frank, rational conversations about what is truly best for her.”
Emily swept her hand back over her hair and shook her head. “I just don’t see why she can’t go back where she came from. She should be her mother’s problem. Not ours.”
Problem. Crazy how often Emily referred to her as that. Sage breathed that understanding down into her heart and clamped it there.
“I don’t know how much Gregory has shared with you,” the pastor said evenly, “but the things Sage has shared with us about her mother and alcohol and her stepfather and other women…”
Squaring her shoulders and lifting her head, Emily looked as if she was sniffing at something that smelled awful. “Well, what more could you expect from that woman?”
“That…” all three of them said at the same time.
Her father was the first to recover. “Em? If this was Jaycee, would you say the same thing?”
That seemed to shake Emily from the self-righteousness a miniscule bit.
“If we were talking about sending Jaycee to California to live with them like this, would you really put her on that plane and say, ‘Good luck’? Come on, Em. This isn’t you. It isn’t. You can’t think this is right. You can’t just throw her out and be okay with that.”
Emily bit her lip. “But this isn’t about us. It’s not Jaycee.”
“It is though. Sage is every bit my daughter as Jaycee is, and I can’t do that to either one of them.” He turned to her and took her hands in his. “Look, I know you think this is some kind of contest, Sage or you, but I can’t think like that. It has to be Sage and you and Jaycee and Ryder. I’m responsible for all of you, and I can’t keep pushing Sage away like she doesn’t exist because she does.” Standing, he came over to where Sage sat. “And if you let yourself look for just one second, you’d see that she’s a beautiful, amazing young woman that we should be proud to call our daughter.”
That looked like Emily had just swallowed something rotten and painful. “She’s not our daughter.”
“No,” Sage said softly, and she stood and went over to sit at her stepmother’s feet. “I’m not your daughter, but I don’t want to be your enemy either.” Tears sprang to her eyes. “I’m sorry about what my mom did to you. I am. If I could go back and change it, I would, but I can’t. I don’t know why this happened, but it did. I’m not asking you to love me because I know you probably never will. All I’m asking is that you don’t completely hate me forever because the truth is, I love our family. I love Ryder. He’s so awesome. And Jaycee. Well, she has her moments, but then again, so do I, right? And I want to get to know Dad and you, but I can’t do that like this.”
Sage thought it through, and she knew her fate rested in this woman’s hands. “The truth is, if you won’t let me, then I guess… well, I guess it really was just all a little girl’s dream about what being in a real family might be like.” Letting go of that dream hurt more than she had thought it would, but as she looked into Emily’s stone-cold face, she knew there really was no other option. “For what it’s worth, Jaycee and Ryder are really lucky to have a mom like you. You fight for them, for your family… I really wish I had that.”
Sniffing, Sage rocked up to her feet and then stood. She went over to the pastor’s desk where she put out her hand though she could hardly hold his gaze. “Thank you for everything you’ve done for me, Pastor Steve. I won’t forget that tea cup. I promise.” With a nod, she turned to her father, walked over to him, and gave him a short hug. “I think I should call Mom and see when they’re going to be home.”
“Sage…” he and the pastor said.
“No.” She turned to both of them and sighed. One glance at Emily confirmed her decision. “It’s time for me to go home.”
“But…” the pastor said.
“It’s okay. I can handle it. What’s one more year, right?” And with that, she lowered her gaze, turned and walked out.
Gregory’s heart walked out with her, and when he turned, he knew Steve was no different. They looked at each other. “We can’t let that happen, you know.”
“I know.” Steve glanced at Emily helplessly.
“Mom.” Sage forced bright and cheerful over the tears and prayed her mother didn’t hear the sniff.
“Oh, Sage? Um, where are you?”
Looking around the room at the pastor’s, Sage wondered how much she should tell her mother. “Still in North Carolina. Where else would I be?”
“Oh, good.” Her mother sounded incredibly relieved about that. “Well, how’s it going?”
“Uh. Great. Listen, Dad and I were just talking about when I’m supposed to be going back.”
“Back? Oh, back. Of course. Did he not schedule that already? I thought we talked about that.”
Anger boiled up inside of Sage. Maybe they had talked about it, but no one had mentioned any details to her. Surprise. Surprise. “Oh, well, we were just wanting to confirm, you know, firm up plans from this end.” Her voice got that excited little-girl squeak into it, and she was proud of herself for how easily the act came back to her. “So where are you anyway?”
“Me?” It was as if her mother had forgotten she was supposed to be somewhere. “Oh, in… uh, Tuscany.”
Sage quirked her head. “Tuscany? I thought you already did Tuscany?”
“Did we…? Oh, well, of course. But it was so beautiful, we decided to come back. Listen, sweetheart, I’ve really got to go. Can we finish this some other time?”
“But Mom, I really need….”
“I know, sweetheart. I know. Tomorrow. I promise. I’ll call you. Take care of yourself, and be good. Okay?”
Before she got another protest out, her mother was gone.
Letting the phone fall to her lap but determined not to let the tears fall, Sage shifted into Plan B. Her fingers flew over the keys. Hey, Patelyn. How’s life, girl? What have you been up to?
The reply came in almost immediately. Oh, girl! I thought you fell off the planet.
Sage sniffed, reaching for Sage Hollywood though it was a good thing she only had to be that over text. No. Just got a couple of terminal cases of grounded, but I’m back. What’s going on with you?
Luke waited until nearly four when the silence was killing him. He texted and then texted her again. Finally he tried to call, but it went straight to voicemail.
“Hi, this is Sage,” her perky voice said. “Talk to me.”
“Sage, this is Luke. I’m wondering what’s going on, how things went. Let me know.” He waited another second before hanging up. If she was trying to drive him crazy, it was working.
Long after the house had grown quiet, Sage lay on her bed and stared up at the ceiling. No one wanted her. Not really. The pastor said they would keep her. That was something, wasn’t it? But what did it say about her that it wasn’t her parents standing up to say they wanted her to live with them? Sure, her mother would if she would stay on the phone for more than a couple of minutes at a time. Even Patelyn had something else to get to.
Of course, Sage had seen the messages from Luke, but what could she say to him? He would just get upset and that wouldn’t help anything—including him. No, the sad fact was her life made everyone else’s so much more complicated. That was the only real way to see it, and for the life of her, she couldn’t figure out how to make that stop.
It was bad. By six-thirty Luke could convince himself of nothing else. Heading out, he met his mother coming in.
“Where’re you going?” she asked in surprise.
“Sage isn’t answering. I’m going to see what’s going on.”
“Is she still at the pastor’s?”
“Who even knows at this point? They were supposed to talk with her folks today. I thought that was going to do some good, but now she’s not answering, and that’s never a good sign.”
His mother sighed. “You know, when she first came… Well, let’s just say I hope she’s not answering because she went home.”
Luke’s heart smashed into the word.
“No,” his mother laughed softly. “Her home. With Greg and Em.”
“Oh.”
“Maybe that’s why she’s not answering. Maybe she’s moving back.”
He would have loved to hope that, but Luke knew bad news around Sage stayed very, very quiet. And right now, it was as silent as a tomb. “I’ll be back.”
“Good luck. I’ll be praying!” she called as he went down the walk.
Luke waved in acknowledgement, got in the car, and pulled out. Maybe his mom was right. Maybe she wasn’t answering because she was moving home. Home. Here home. Not California home. Why did his spirit keep shrieking that correction? He couldn’t account for it, but when his car got to the Lawrences’ turn, he decided it couldn’t hurt to just check. It would save him a trip into town and showing up at the pastor’s as if he was playing hide-and-seek.
In the driveway, he set his focus, parked, and went up to the door where he knocked. A few seconds and the door squeaked. He blinked, suddenly remembering all the reasons he should not have come. “Jayc?”
“Luke?” She sounded surprised and looked even more so.
“Uh.” He put his hand up to his head. “Is… Is Sage here?”
“Sage?” Jaycee asked as if she had no idea who that was.
His patience snapped. “Yeah. Sage. You know, your stepsister? About yea-high. Blonde hair.”
For one second Jaycee looked like she was about to let him have it; however, she sucked that back in. “She’s not here. I… I think she’s going back to California.”
The word hit him like a punch. His eyes fell closed on the pain that surged into him. “I knew it.” Turning he slammed his foot into the porch post. “Dang it.” He put his hands up onto his head and raked them there before jerking them down to the railing where his fingers turned white for the ache tearing through him. It took effort to drag control over the whipsawing emotions. “Just like that. They’re just going to send her back.”
Coming out onto the porch, Jaycee looked slightly terrified but also worried. “Mom said they talked about it and decided…”
“They.” He spun on her. “Let me guess. Your mom and your gutless father.”
“Hey.” She came out of the fear and readied for attack.
“What?” he asked as if even she had to see that what they were doing was wrong. “First they banish her to the pastor’s, and now they’re going to send her back to that hell-on-earth in California.”
“It’s California,” Jaycee said, letting the sarcasm drip from the words. “It’s so tragic.”
“You know, if you would step outside of your pity party for like two seconds, you might actually learn that there are other people who are hurting here too.”
“What? Ms. Perfect Princess? Yeah, I’m sure things are so horrible in her world.”
“Well, let’s see. She’s got a stepsister who hates her. A stepmom who wishes she’d never been born. A mother who’s a drunk, a stepfather who’s bringing in tramps, and then there’s your dad who is perfectly willing to feed her to the wolves because helping her is too likely to shatter his perfect little family image.”
Jaycee’s face twisted. “She’s just a drama queen.”
“And you’re not?”
“That’s not fair.”
“Fair? You’re going to stand there and talk to me about what’s fair? Was it fair to turn everyone against her? Was it fair to trash her in front of your friends and me before she even got here? You have had nothing but horrible things to say about her, and you went so far as to say them to her face. And now you’re going to stand there and talk to me about fair? Try again, Jayc, because that dog don’t hunt.”
“Look, okay. I admit, I didn’t give her a chance, but look at her, she is everything I said she was. She’s rich and stuck-up and arrogant. She thinks she’s all that and everyone else is beneath her.”
He leaned on the porch railing and just watched her.
“You’ve seen how she dresses, what she’s like.”
“Oh, yeah? What’s she like?”
“She’s always got her nose in the air like she’s better than everyone else.”
“Hmm. That’s interesting because it seemed to me like you’re the one who’s trying point out how much better you are.”
“Me?”
“Yeah.” He shrugged. “You go out without her, won’t take her places. You make sure everyone knows what a burden it is to be seen with her. You do your level best to act like she’s not even alive. What if you were in her place? You think you wouldn’t keep to yourself, try not to make too many waves.”
“Waves? That girl’s like a tsunami.”
“The craziest thing is,” he said slowly as he looked at her, “that she stood up for you. She could have gotten pummeled trying to protect you. You know that, right?”
Jaycee wound her arms over themselves. “You know, that’s what I can’t figure out. Why did she do that? Why would she stand up for me like that? She knows I don’t even like her.”
Luke shrugged and snorted softly. “Who knows? Maybe in spite everything, she actually likes you and wants you to be safe. Maybe she was worried about her sister. What a concept, huh?” He kicked away from the porch posts. “Well, I’ve got to go see if she’s okay. Not that you would care about that or anything.”
“Luke…?”
“No, Jayc. We’re done here.”
“Sage, honey.” Jane was at the door, knocking softly.
“Uh, yeah.” Sage rolled over and swiped at her eyes, knowing she must be a complete mess. “Just a minute.”
Hurriedly she jumped up and straightened her horribly rumpled suit. It had seen better days. Her make-up was a disaster, running down her cheeks like the dam had burst upstream. Quickly, she grabbed remover tissues and swiped at her face, seeing the events of the day etched there in permanent ink. The wiping added more red than it took anything away.
“Sage?”
“Uh. Yeah. Hold… hold on.” Grief was taking over again even as she wiped and washed. Why wouldn’t her heart hold it all? Stop it already, Sage. Don’t cry. Don’t. Don’t be such a baby. Don’t start.
The door creaked and then came open.
Her hair was as much a mess as her make-up. No one could see her like this.
“There’s someone here,” Jane said, and Sage looked up into the silver of the mirror.
Without thinking, she turned to them and then thought better of that move. Frantic to cover up what she knew they could both see, she spun back for the mirror. “Luke? I didn’t know…” Yanking, smoothing, fixing, she curled over herself to keep him from seeing.
However, he didn’t so much as wait for more, just came right in and over to her. Without so much as a word, he turned her to him and drew her up into his embrace, strong and steady with no hesitation at all.
“Luke? What? Don’t. I’m a mess.”
But he held her there, arching over her now quaking body.
“Luke…” She picked up her hand to push him away, but it didn’t make it that far, instead it landed on his arm as the tears beat their way to the surface. “Don’t…” And with that, the dam burst open. “I didn’t… I’m sorry. I should have called… I didn’t mean to…” Tears upon tears washed over her, trekking down her face in gushing rivers. “You didn’t have to…”
“Shhh.” He soothed, running his hand over her head and down her back, gently holding her to him.
“Did you hear?” she finally asked.
“I didn’t have to. I knew when you didn’t text back.”
She had to tell him so he would quit like everyone else had. “I’m going back.”
He nodded but did not let her go.
“Did you hear me? I said I’m going back to California.”
“I heard you.” But he didn’t remove himself from around her.
“I thought you would be mad.”
“Darlin’, I know you’re working things out. That ain’t always easy. But I’m right here no matter what you decide.”
Confusion and hurt dripped over her lashes. “Nobody wants me.”
“Oh, come on now. That ain’t true. I want you more than the next breath. Why do you think I’m here?”
“They don’t want me. They don’t. I’m just one big problem to all of them.”
“Well, then they’re wrong. All of them. If they can’t see how awesome you are,” he said, backing up just enough to be able to look down at her, “how amazing and kind and wonderful, then they’re the one that has the problem.”
She looked up at him, not at all trying to hide the sorrow anymore. “Do you want me to go to California?”
He laughed softly and brushed back her hair. “Now what kind of question is that? You know as well as I do that you leaving is going to split me in half like firewood.”
“But you said…”
“I said, I’m right here no matter what you decide.” Then he lowered his gaze and drank her in. “And I am.”
Letting her gaze fall, Sage knew she had to be honest with him. “Emily hates me.”
“And this is different how?”
“No. She really hates me, Luke. She wants me to go back.”
Luke nodded as he watched her. “What do you want?”
“I’m making Dad’s life miserable.”
“I don’t think that one’s on you.”
“Yes. It is. You should have seen him today.”
“I saw him the other day, but I don’t think he’s laying this at your doorstep.”
“But if I leave, then they can go on and be the perfect, happy little family. It’s what they all want.”
“And you get no say in this? None. Even though it’s your life.”
She stepped out of his arms and sat on the edge of the bed. “Don’t you get it? Me leaving would solve so many problems for them.”
A second and he joined her, sitting next to her but making no move to put his arm around her. “And it would create so many for you.”
“But that’s just it. I’ve been there. I can do it. Just put Sage Hollywood back on.” She put out her jazz hands and shook them with a smile on her face before dropping them to her lap and crushing back the tears. “It’s what everyone wants.”
“But is it what you want?”
Her eyes traced over to his, and she shrugged. “When has that ever made any difference?”
“Supper,” Jane called just later when she knocked on the door. “Ham soup.”
Next to him, Sage sighed. “I’d better try to get this” she waved her hand over her face “presentable. You mind?”
Luke stood, bent down to kiss her on the forehead and then lowered his eyes to hold hers. “Do me a favor. Okay? Lighten up on the mascara. You look like a raccoon.”
What she had thought was coming, she had no idea, but that was not it. Her mouth dropped open, and before she could really recover, she laughed. Reaching up she punched his arm. “Now that wasn’t very nice.”
He bobbed his head side-to-side. “You want nice or honest?”
A second and still laughing, she looked right at him. “Honest.”
The mirth dissipated from his eyes and his mouth, leaving only seriousness in their wake. “I love you, Sage.”
And swept up in the honesty of that comment, the tears jumped into her heart. She lowered her gaze and nodded. “I know.”
“Okay. You know what?” Jane asked as they all sat around the table, spoons making about the only noise in the room. “I’m just going to say it.”
Her husband looked at her with panic.
“No,” she said firmly. “I am. Now we’re all sitting here traipsing around this elephant sitting in the middle of this table, and I’m tired of it.”
“Jane?” her husband warned.
“No. Steve.” She looked right at him and scowled. “Now look, I know we’re all knocking this thing around in our heads, but I think it’s about time we talk about it.” Laying her spoon down, she put her hands one atop the other on the table and looked right at Sage. “Now I know Steve talked to you today about you staying.”
Instantly Sage’s head lowered.
“Not just through the summer but when school starts too.”
She didn’t dare look at Luke. He was probably bewildered by the fact that they had even offered.
“And I know all about you thinking you need to go back. I get that. I understand. I really do. I mean, just leaving home, even when the situation is horrendous, that’s not an easy call. But I want you to know we are serious, Sage. If you want to stay, our door is open, and that room is yours.”
Pastor Steve let out a breath. “Jane is right. I didn’t push it today because I knew how much you were dealing with, but I just can’t get right with you going back. I made a vow to make a difference in this world, to do what was right in the face of evil, and the more I think about it, the more not at peace I am with the thought of you going back.”
“I think,” Luke said, and she felt his gaze on her, “it’s not so much about her wanting to go back. I think it’s more thinking if she goes, it would make things better here.”
With that Pastor Steve set his spoon all the way down. “You know, we get taught not to be selfish, and that’s a good thing. We get taught self-sacrifice and doing what we have to for those we love, and all of those are good things too. But putting yourself into a situation that is both dangerous and unhealthy just to try to make it so others don’t have to face their own stuff is not the answer. That’s called enabling, and it doesn’t fix anything. Jesus didn’t die for us on the cross so we wouldn’t have to work through the consequences of our actions and face things. He died so we wouldn’t have to work through them alone. Those consequences don’t go away with that magic wand you talked about. They only go away when we face them, deal with them, and put them behind us. Running away, going back especially like this is not the answer.”
“But they don’t want me.”
“Maybe not, but we do,” Jane said, and Sage’s gaze snapped to her. A second and she looked at her husband who with a breath nodded, hardly moving his head. She looked back at Sage. “There’s something we haven’t told you. Something… well, something I didn’t really think was pertinent until now.” She glanced at her husband again and then reached over and took Sage’s hands in hers. “Steve and I… well, we were never able to have children of our own. When we were younger, that was our dream. We wanted a big family. Five, eight, ten kids.”
Sage had a hard time picturing ten kids in this tiny house, but she kept her focus on the woman rather than the image.
Jane let her gaze fall to the table for a second. “We got pregnant several times, but I always lost the child about 12 weeks into the pregnancy. We never really knew why. So after a while, I put how much I wanted kids in a little box and I buried it in my heart. It wasn’t easy, but it was all I could think to do. This last month, having you here. It’s made me see that maybe I couldn’t be a mom the way I’d always thought I would, but maybe God had a different kind of being a mom in mind for me.” She shook her head. “I’m not your mother, and I’m not trying to take anyone’s place. But if you need me, if you need us, we want to be here for you.”
What to say? How to say it? Sage was spinning on the questions. “I just… I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I’m just so confused.”
Pastor Steve nodded. “Where is God?”
Sage looked up at him. “In Heaven?”
He laughed. “No, Sage. Jesus said, ‘I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.’ In Jesus we have peace. Where He is, we have peace. In the world, you will have trouble, trials, tribulation, but in God, when we’re really with Him, there we have peace. So where is God? In this whole situation, where do you have peace?”
Crazy as that sounded, Sage knew the answer instantly. Her gaze went over to Luke, and she couldn’t deny what she felt. “With Luke,” she said softly, and he smiled at her. “I definitely feel at peace with Luke.” Then she took another breath and looked over at them. “And here.” She shrugged. “I keep telling myself I’m supposed to be with the Lawrences or back home in California, but neither of those feel like peace to me. They just… don’t.” Lifting her shoulders, she grimaced at them. “I can’t explain that.”
“You don’t have to,” Pastor Steve said. “Sometimes there is no explanation other than God knows, and you’ve got to trust that.” He sat back and stared at his bowl. “You know, today, when you said you were going back to California, I can’t explain it, but I would’ve fought a tiger to keep that from happening.”
“And when Steve told me that’s what you’d decided.” Jane sat back and shook her head. “I’ve been praying all day that God would let me be okay with that. But I’m not. No matter how much I try to get myself to think that’s what’s for the best, I just know it’s not.”
Sage knew well how they both felt because she felt the same way. “But how… how does this work? How does this look? I mean, my mom, the Lawrences…?”
“I think your dad would be on board with it in a heartbeat if we just talk with him,” Pastor Steve said. “He’s beside himself with worry about you. I can’t speak to your mom though, and obviously, she would have to agree as well.”
The logistics were starting to drop on her like weights. “I haven’t even told her I’m living here.” She sighed softly before raising her eyes to see their reactions. Strangely they were nodding at her. “I kept thinking I should, but then, I just… didn’t.” Sage shook her head. “She’s going to completely freak out on me if I say I’m not coming home.”
“Doing something you know is wrong for you to make someone else happy…,” Pastor Steve said.
“I know. But doing what’s right for you when they aren’t going to be happy about it…”
He nodded. “I know.”
“How’s Sage?” Luke’s mom asked when he came in from the darkened kitchen to find her, feet propped up, reading in the living room. His father sat, snoring in the chair, the Sox game flashing on the television.
With a long sigh, Luke sat down on the couch in a heap. He needed someone to process with, and she had asked. “I sure wish I knew.”
That pulled the magazine down. “You didn’t find her?”
“Oh, I found her all right. She’s still at the pastor’s.”
“So she didn’t go home then?” Sadness and concern washed across his mother’s face.
“Nope. And that don’t look too likely either.” He shook his head. “You know, I can’t figure it. I always thought Mrs. Lawrence was so great. She was like a second mom to me. I mean, she picked us up after school, she fed us cookies. I always felt so welcome at their house.”
A tinge of anger settled over his mother’s face as she listened. “And now?”
“It ain’t about me.” He shrugged and sighed. “Sage pret-near got busted up the other night defending Jaycee.”
Worry overtook the anger. “What?”
Luke pursed his lips together. “It was a thing, with Rory, but it’s not about that.” He waved that off. “Point is, she stuck her neck out for them, and now she’s ready to pack up and go back to California just to make Mrs. Lawrence happy.” Letting out a breath, he shook head again. “It’s like everyone else is important in the whole world but her. She’ll put herself in harm’s way just so they can be happy.”
Now his mother folded the magazine and laid it aside. “Harm’s way? I don’t understand.”
“It’s just that back in California, things aren’t… well, they’re not all sunshine and happiness. Her mom’s a drunk. Her stepdad’s… well, he’s a tramp magnet if you want to know the real truth. They take off to Europe and send Sage all the way across the country to live with folks she hasn’t seen in 11 years. Then she gets here, and all she gets from the Lawrences is grief about everything. And now, she thinks going back to California is the way to fix things. Course that won’t fix anything for her, but…”
“Does the pastor know all of this?”
With a lift of his eyebrows, Luke sat forward. “Yeah. They know. They want Sage to stay with them even after school starts, but who knows if that would even work? She’s sure her mom would freak, and the truth is, Mrs. Lawrence ain’t going to let her have a minute’s peace if she stays. And I can’t even imagine her and Jaycee in the same school. They’d tear the place apart.” He sat forward and put his head in his hands. “Not to even mention that Jaycee will totally shred her before she steps a foot in that school, and Sage will never stand up to defend herself. She’d just let it happen. It’s like she cares about everybody else but herself.”
His mother looked at him softly. “You’re a good guy, Luke Baker, to care so much.”
“Yeah? Well, a fat lotta good that’s doing me now.”
Peace. It was such a strange word in Sage’s world. Image. Appearance. Perfection. Yes.
But not peace. Peace was a foreign concept. In fact, when the pastor had asked, Sage wasn’t sure she would even know what peace would feel like. What does something feel like if you’ve never felt it before? So it was crazy that she knew. How she knew, she still wasn’t sure. But when she thought about peace, things that let her spirit settle, she knew exactly what they were.
Lying on her bed later with the little reading light still on, she let her mind search and sort, and it was easy. Being at the beach with Luke? Peace. Sewing the little jacket? Peace. Painting? Outside swinging Alyssa? Peace. The second hand shop? Peace.
Then her mind spiraled backward to before she had come.
Sitting on her floor cutting the magazines to put together her perfect room? Peace. Pretty much everything else? Not peace.
Just letting go of forcing her feelings one way or the other, she continued backward. The old apartment? Strangely, there was peace in that memory. She hadn’t expected that at all. Her mother had assured her that life would be so much better when they got to Jason’s, but the second her thoughts tripped on that thought, no peace reached up and seized her entire being. Nothing about that new house had ever been peace. Nothing.
Only now, actually letting herself think through it, did she give herself permission to feel what was really there. Fear? Yes. Unworthiness? Yes. Effort and a bleak, all-encompassing white nothingness that filled everything about that vision? Yes. Empty.
When she gave herself permission to be brutally honest, empty was the word that floated to the surface at the thought of her home in California. It was a shell, a nice façade, whitewashed to cover all the hideousness that lurked just beneath the surface. That’s why it felt so utterly devoid of peace, because it was devoid of everything, including life itself.
Was that what her mother was running from in the alcohol? The total emptiness? As Sage thought about it, she realized that yes, that was a lot of it. If she would just numb herself to it, she wouldn’t have to see it, wouldn’t have to face it, to do anything about it. And Sage had done the same thing with parties and a social life that kept her out and away as much as possible. They were all running, all trying to find something to fill the emptiness that was swallowing them whole.
Her mind slid to her current living arrangements, and despite everything, she smiled. It wasn’t flashy or fancy, but it was full to the brim with love. Mismatched furniture, save for two gleaming new end tables, this house had a way of wrapping itself around you and giving you a much-needed hug.
As she let her spiritual eyes go where they wanted, they slid to the Lawrences’, and she heaved a sigh. It was weird how even here she could feel the malicious atmosphere that hung in the air there. No wonder there was no peace when she thought about the place. Peace did not reside there, and she wondered how long it had been gone.
“Knock. Knock,” the pastor said, and Sage sat up.
“Come in.”
He opened the door slowly, carefully before peering in. “You still awake?”
“Yeah.” She smoothed her hair down. “What’s up?”
Coming in, he gazed at her. “Quite a day, huh?”
She smiled softly. “Yeah.”
With a nod, he matched her smile. “I just wanted to make sure you’re all right.”
“All…?” she asked in surprise and then her smile softened even more as his concern for her touched her heart. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Absolutely.” Reaching over, he pulled a chair over and sat down. “What’s up?”
“A lot of things,” she said honestly. “But I’m kind of curious about the whole peace thing. I mean I’ve been thinking about everything, and some things, I know they’re peace, and some things, I know why I’ve been having such a hard time because they’re so not.”
He nodded but said nothing.
“Like Dad. He makes me crazy sometimes, but I really do feel like he’s trying to make this right for me.”
“That’s good because I agree with you. He doesn’t always know how to do that, but I think he’s trying.”
Sage absorbed that. “And then I think about my mom, and… well, this is going to sound awful, but I’m not even sure she thinks much about me at all anymore.”
“Oh? How so?”
“She used to, when I was little, but the last few years, not so much. It’s like she’s marking time to get me out of school, hoping we’ll get to that finish line sooner rather than later. I can’t remember the last time she even asked about things, how things were in my life. I think as long as I’m not pregnant or in jail, she assumes everything is fine. Or maybe she just hopes it is.”
“And how do you feel about that?”
The feeling yanked her head down. “Alone. Like I’m on my own figuring things out.” She lifted her shoulders. “I hate that. It scares me because I don’t feel like there’s anyone that has my back, that I can talk to about… well, anything. Boys and school and life.” That she was freaking him out was imminently apparent when she looked up at him. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t…”
“No.” He stopped her with one hand. “You need someone to talk to. I’ll live through it. I can almost guarantee it.”
The smile started small and then grew. “You sure about that?”
He laughed. “Trying to be. So back to what you were saying, ‘Boys, school, life…’?”
Sage pulled her shoulders up. “Sometimes it just all feels so big, so overwhelming. I mean I’ve talked with my friends, but they don’t have any answers either. And sometimes I wonder about the answers they do have.”
“Like?”
“Well, like boys. I mean, back home, the topic every Monday morning was who had been with who over the weekend. Who passed out at whose house. L.A. Housewives High School Edition.” She shook her head. “I grew up hearing how doing that had messed up my mom’s life. How she fell for a guy who talked a good game but when push came to shove, he left, and she had me to try to navigate. I didn’t want that. I still don’t. But it was never easy. Trust me, that wasn’t a very popular way of being.”
“I can imagine.”
“Lot of times I felt like a complete freak if you want to know the real truth. My friends made fun of me. The guys always pushed. They called me names, but…” She lifted her chin. “I promised myself I’d never let them get to me, that I knew what I wanted, and they weren’t talking me out of that, though some of them tried awful hard.
“When they told me I was coming here, I thought, ‘Finally. A clean slate’ you know? But the only thing that changed was adding a family that hated me and wanted me to disappear. Plus, it was pretty clear what everyone here thought about me.” The tears shimmered on her lashes, and she carefully brushed them away. The last thing she wanted to do was to return to the raccoon look. “I guess… I guess I’m asking for advice. How do I do this so I don’t feel so incredibly worthless and like I’m in everybody else’s way? Like I’m a freak from a foreign planet? Or is that even possible?”
He pursed his lips for a second and let out a sigh.
“I know, right?” she asked with a giggle. “No pressure there.”
“No.” The pastor shook his head. “I think that’s a question every one of us struggles with at some point. When you read about men and women who have changed the world—Ghandi, Mother Teresa, those kinds of people. When you read the things that they wrote, you begin to understand that in the midst of the struggle, they had doubts about life and even about God in Mother Teresa’s case. I think that life is kind of set up to make us feel like freaks, like we’re all alone in the face of life. Me? I was the son of a preacher, a good, Godly man who raised us kids right. That meant I caught a lot of flak for not drinking and for keeping the rules. I felt very alone and even lost a lot of the time. I would lie awake at night and talk to my ceiling.”
Sage laughed. “You too?”
“Oh, yeah. God and I had a lot of long discussions about the rules and how unfair it was that I had to keep them when seemingly everyone else didn’t.”
“So what did He say? What did God tell you?”
“Well, it wasn’t one conversation exactly. It was more watching what happened when other kids took the other paths. I saw a friend of mine killed in a drunk driving accident. I saw kids throw away their lives and their futures on drugs and parties. And the longer I went, the more I started to see that God’s way works. It’s not always fun in the moment, but in the end, God knows what He’s doing.” He pulled forward. “What I think is so interesting about your story is that you seem to have come to that conclusion from a completely different angle than most people get there. You grew up in the consequences of someone going outside the rules. You’ve seen firsthand the heartache that causes.”
She nodded. “I don’t think my mom ever got over Dad leaving. Not really. I think that’s why I understand what Emily must be feeling because I lived with my mom feeling the same stuff all those years. That she wasn’t worth it, that she didn’t know how to do this life as a single mom, that she was so scared…” Suddenly Sage stopped, thought through what she was saying and narrowed her eyes into it. “That’s the way I feel, the way I’ve felt.”
“We absorb emotions from our environment. That’s very common. Plus, we fear disconnection and we’ll do very unhealthy things to not feel that.”
“Or to stop feeling it.”
“What do you mean?”
Sage pulled her feet up under her and crossed her legs. “Well, I was just thinking about it, and it’s like we’re all trying to do things to make us stop feeling what we’re feeling. Mom feels alone and afraid. She tried to get Jason to fill that, and when that didn’t work, she started drinking to stop feeling it.”
The pastor angled his arms up into a triangle, putting his fingers to his mouth as he nodded.
“Jason was doing the same thing with his flings. I was doing it with parties and going out. Dad does it with work. Emily… well, she couldn’t deal with me, so she just sent me away, like ‘out of sight, out of mind.’ Nobody is dealing with any of this. It’s like everyone is doing everything they can think of to not feel, to pretend everything’s all right when we all know it’s not.”
He kept nodding. “And what about you?”
She laughed. “Oh, I tried. Believe me I tried. I don’t know if you’ve been around Luke much, but beating around the bush is not his forte. He kind of confronts things with a sledgehammer and ax.”
Pastor Steve joined her laugh. “Yeah, I’ve kind of noticed that.”
“And he doesn’t give up either.” Her gaze fell to her lap. “At least he hasn’t given up on me, and that was a tall order.” She let herself think the thought that seemed more overwhelming than any other she’d ever had. “I wish I could do that for them—my family. Not give up like Luke did with me, but I don’t think it’s working.”
“I think you might be surprised about that. I think your dad is a lot closer to your side of the fence than you think.”
“But he can’t. Emily won’t let him.”
The pastor shifted just slightly. “Do you know the term unconditional love?”
Thinking it through, Sage bobbed her head. “Yeah, like loving no matter what?”
“Right. It’s not something we can do without God’s help, but with God’s help, it can change our world in really dramatic ways. You know that. It’s what’s changed yours.”
“Luke.”
“Right. What has he done with you that’s truly unconditional love?”
She lifted her eyebrows. “Well, he doesn’t let me get away with acting like I’m not hurting. Like today. He knew things weren’t good, and he showed up and just held me. That didn’t fix anything, not like we think of, but it told me he was here.
“And he challenges me to be me whether anyone else would think that was a good thing or not. Like the end tables we did for you guys or the rooms we painted for his mom. When I’m with Luke, I feel free to be creative and imagine the world as it could be.”
The good pastor smiled. “You even look different when you talk about who you are with him.”
“I know.” Her eyes came down to his in amazement. “I think that’s what unconditional love has done. When I feel it, when it’s like all wrapped around me, I stop being so afraid. I feel like I can take on anything and do something to really make a difference. It makes me feel worth it and… powerful.” She shook her head. “That’s a bad word.”
“Why?”
“Because, powerful means you step on other people to get what you want.”
“No. Powerful means you are able to effect change in your world. That’s not a bad thing.”
“Okay, so powerful. It makes me feel powerful. And it makes me feel open and like I want to give it to other people. I’m not all cowering in the corner, hoping no one notices the mask is about to crack at any moment.” She laughed. “Tsh. I’m not even wearing a mask. I’m just me. Good, bad, whatever.”
“You’re happy.”
She grinned. “I’m happy. But it’s more than that. I’m peaceful. I’m at peace. I’m not running after something I know I’ll never catch. I’m okay with who I am and how I am. No need to try to figure out who other people want me to be. And I can be honest.” Leaning her head back, she exhaled. “I can be so honest, and I don’t have to worry about him being mad or hurt or whatever. I just know whatever it is, he’s going to be right there to help me and to work it out with me and to get through it… together.”
The pastor’s eyes had softened into smiles. “It’s the same way God is with us. He’s not out to find a reason to pitch us into hell. He loves us with unconditional love that does all those things you just described and so much more. His love changes us. It changes the way we see ourselves. It challenges us to become our best selves, but it also helps us do that.”
Strangely, she understood exactly what he meant. “I know. That’s what I feel like in church when you’re talking about Him. I guess I’ve just never thought of Him like that, like I can talk to Him and stuff.”
“He’s right here, and He wants you to talk to Him about the stuff that’s going on, to let Him love you through all the gyrations of life. Up, down, spinning, stopped, whatever. The more you hook into that and believe in His love for you, the more able you’ll be to walk through this stuff, even in the storms.”
“Because He’s always going to be right there to give me a hug and just love me no matter what.” Her eyes both clouded and came open to the wonderful new possibility. “You know, I’ve been praying for my family.” The admission both scared her and yanked her back. Why had she even said that?
“Oh, yeah? And what’s God saying?”
That stopped her. “No. I mean, I’ve been telling God about them.”
“I know. What’s He saying?”
Sage quirked her head. “Um, I don’t know. I guess I haven’t really been listening.”
He nodded and stood, putting the chair back. “Maybe it’s time to start.”