Joe
After stepping inside my apartment, the first thing I do is take a shower. It was a bad fucking night. I made a DUI arrest, and the guy resisted, elbowing me in the face. Once I got the perp to the station, he puked all over me. Even though I had a shower at the station, I can still smell it. I strip out of my clothes on my way to the bathroom and spend a good thirty minutes in scalding hot water, soaping myself multiple times.
Climbing out, I wrap a towel around my waist and make some coffee. While that’s brewing, I throw on a t-shirt and a pair of cut-off sweats. I reach the living room as a knock sounds at my door. It’s only seven thirty in the morning; I can’t imagine who it could be. Looking through the peephole, I see it’s my dad and Uncle Dustin.
Pulling open the door, I smile. “Hey guys, what are you doing here?” My smile fades immediately when I see the look on their faces. “What’s wrong?”
“Can we come in?” I step back, and my dad walks in first, followed by my uncle. “Son, come sit down.”
I follow them and sit in my recliner. “What’s going on? You’re starting to freak me out.”
I figure Dad has something to say to me, but instead it’s my uncle. “Your aunt went with her mom to Atlanta to celebrate Chloe’s dad’s birthday. During the party, Chloe started bleeding and then cramping really bad. I hate to be the one to tell you, but she lost the baby.”
A strange buzzing starts in my ears. She lost the baby; she lost our baby. The baby I was too scared to deal with. Without thinking, I grab my end table, shit flying everywhere, and throw it against my flat screen. My dad and uncle grab me and push me back into the chair.
Tears begin to run down my face. I don’t even bother trying to hide them. “How is—is she?”
“She’s not doing too good. Your aunt says she’s not talking to anyone. Chloe consented to have the baby tested to find out if there were any abnormalities, so at least she’ll have some sort of answer.” My uncle’s hand is on my shoulder.
“What was it?” They look at me with a questioning look. “A girl or a boy?”
“It was a girl. I’m so sorry, Joe.”
I bury my face in my hands. My palms are wet from the tears that have begun to fall again. There is such a painful ache in my chest right now. This is my fault; I did this. If I would’ve been involved, that would’ve eased her stress. I wipe my face and look at my dad. “This is my fault. I got scared and told her I didn’t want to be involved.” I suck in a breath. “It was a lie. I wanted that baby—I swear to you I did.”
My dad lays his hand on my other shoulder. “You were scared, and that’s okay. This is not your fault. This isn’t her fault, either.”
I push up out of my chair. “I need to go to Atlanta. I need to see her.”
In my room, I grab my duffle bag and start shoving clothes into it. “Son, what about your job?”
“I’ll stop by the station and talk to my boss. I haven’t taken any time off or called in sick. I think I’m allowed to take time off for an emergency. Whether Chloe wants me or not, she’s going to need me.” My dad follows me into the bathroom, where I grab my toiletries.
“Son, why don’t you wait a few days? There’s a good chance that she won’t want to see you right now.” He’s right, and I’m being selfish, but I don’t care.
“Too bad. That was my child, too.”
My dad sighs. “Son, I just want you prepared. As far as she knows, you didn’t want the baby.”
I hang my head because as much as he’s right, I have to go. I just do. Slinging my bag over my shoulder, I walk into the living room where my uncle is cleaning up the mess I made. “Thanks,” I tell him.
“I texted your aunt and told her you were coming. She’s not sure that’s a good idea.”
I take a frustrated breath. “No disrespect, but I don’t care if she thinks it’s not a good idea. I need to see Chloe—end of story.” I grab my wallet and phone, shoving them both in my pocket. “Lock up on your way out,” I holler as I head toward the front door.
“Joe, please reconsider. At least wait until tomorrow. You shouldn’t drive right now.” My dad moves to stand right in front of me. “I know you’re hurting and you want to support Chloe while she deals with this loss, but driving while you’re upset is not safe, and you should know that.”
“Dad, I promise you I’m fine. Yes, I’m upset, but I’m okay.”
“Okay, so you’re okay, but you just got off the night shift. Sleep for a couple of hours first, at least.”
Honestly, I’m fine—I’ll sleep when I check into a hotel, and that’s what I tell them.
“Fine, but I want periodic phone calls and a call when you get there. Your mother will worry.”
“Yeah, okay.” I reach for the door, but he stops me with a hand on my arm. “What?”
“I’m not sure what you’re expecting to have happen when you get there, but whatever it is, I just want you happy.” He pulls me into a back-slapping hug. As much as we’ve fought over the years, I love my dad. He’s always stood behind every decision I’ve made.
“Thanks. I love you.” I head out the door, jump in my car, and head to Chloe.
On my way out of town, I stop at the gas station and buy a jumbo cup of crappy coffee; two stale, dry donuts; a pack of gum; and a huge bottle of water. In the car, I call my boss. Chief Jones is probably at the station already. The man has been with the Beaufort Police Department for twenty years, and it was after he came and gave a talk at my high school that I started considering joining the police force.
His secretary answers, and he’s there so she puts me right back to him. I tell him about Chloe and the baby and that I need to take some time off to see to her. Of course he’s cool about it. “I’m so sorry, son.”
“Thank you.”
“Take as much time as you need. You don’t qualify for FMLA, but you can take a leave of absence,” he says.
“I don’t think I’ll be gone for more than a week, but I’ll keep you posted.” I take a deep breath. “Thanks for being so understanding.”
“My wife and I lost a child. She was only eight weeks along, but we still felt it. Just be patient with her. Take care.”
We hang up, and I toss my phone in the seat. His words replay in my head, and I know I need to heed them. There’s a good chance she won’t want to see me, and I’m prepared for that. My mom has always said I’m stubborn, which means I won’t give up.
***
After checking into my hotel for the night, I take the elevator up and stick the card in the door, waiting for the little beep. Stepping into the room, I drop my bag on the floor and collapse on the bed. I fall asleep immediately.
My eyes flutter open, and it takes me a second to remember where I am. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks. Chloe…Baby…Miscarriage. The heaviness returns as I grab my phone and look at the time. “Shit.” It’s four in the morning. I slept the entire day away. Flinging myself back on the bed, I stare at the ceiling, my eyes getting used to the dark.
I end up lying in bed until the sun shines brightly in my room. It’s seven now, and I think I even dozed off for a little bit on and off. I climb out of bed, strip out of my clothes, and take a shower.
I throw on a pair of tan cargo shorts and a blue t-shirt. After stuffing my wallet and my phone into my pockets, I slip on my tennis shoes and head downstairs to grab some breakfast.
It’s a buffet, so I grab my plate and pile it high with food. I grab a cup of coffee and carry it over to a single-seat table. Digging in immediately, I didn’t realize just how hungry I was, and even though the food isn’t that great, it’s at least something.
I feel eyes on me and look up to find two women around my age openly checking me out. Normally, I’d be all over them and in about five minutes we’d be upstairs having a good time. Instead I give them a chin lift and go back to eating my food.
Chloe’s always on my mind these days, and until I see her and we talk, there’s no way I can be with someone else. It would feel wrong. How come being with Chloe feels right? Maybe it’s just lust. We had amazing chemistry our night together. Her body fit against mine like it was designed specifically for me. Fuck, I can still taste her on my tongue.
Fuck, what am I doing? Chloe just lost our baby, and I’m thinking about fucking her? I shake my head because I’m clearly a horny idiot.
After I finish eating, I pop some gum in my mouth and head out to the parking lot. I climb into my car and drive the five minutes to her place.
I reach my destination: a cute little white home. It’s surrounded by trees and shrubbery, giving it a cozy feel. Her Camaro is in the driveway with a silver two-door Mini Cooper behind it. I take a deep breath and climb out of my car. I make my way up to the door. Lifting my hand to knock, I jerk back because the door flings open and her friend Eli stands there.
He glowers at me and doesn’t say anything, but I do. “I need to see her.”
Eli closes the front door and steps onto the front porch. “You don’t need to see shit. She doesn’t want to see us, so I can be certain that she does not want to see you.” His finger is in my face.
“That was my baby, too.” I take a step forward, brushing his hand away. “I’m going to go inside and see for myself how she’s doing. You can try to stop me, but I’m an officer of the law, so trust me, you don’t want to test me.” I feel my stomach lurch as Eli’s eyes widen in shock. Holy shit, did I just threaten Chloe’s best friend? I take a deep breath. “Fuck, I’m sorry, man, but I need to see her. Please.”
He narrows his eyes but nods and moves out of the way, letting me push the door open and step inside. I don’t even take the opportunity to look around her house, even though I didn’t get a chance to really wander around the last time I was here. I was too focused on her.
At the end of the hall, I reach her bedroom door. I slowly open it and peer inside. She’s in bed, because I can see her dark hair peeking out from her comforter. “Go away, Eli. I don’t want to talk.”
I step farther into her bedroom and shut her door. “It’s me.”
Even with her buried under piles of blankets, I can still see her body go stiff. Ragnar crawls out from under the comforter and sits on the end of the bed, staring at me. I ignore the giant cat and come around to the side of the bed so I can see her.
I pull up the blanket, and Chloe tries to hide her face. Her skin’s fair enough already, but now she’s pale with purplish bags standing out under her bloodshot eyes. “Why are you here?” Her voice is scratchy and hoarse.
My hand makes its way under the blankets until it connects with hers. She tries to pull it away from me, but I don’t let her. I don’t get on the bed, but I get down on my knees next to it. I’m tall enough that I can lean in close to her. “I’m so fucking sorry.” Tears slip from her eyes, and I reach out, wiping them away. My own eyes feel that ache that happens before tears fall.
“What are you sorry for?” she snaps. “You didn’t want her.”
Pain slices through me, and I clench my eyes shut so she doesn’t see the hurt. It’s not her fault, though. I deserved that, and I take it. “That’s the thing. I did want her. I wanted her more than you could ever know. I was just scared.” I stroke her cheek, and she lets me. “I’m going to regret that for the rest of my life.”
“I keep thinking about everything I’ve done. If maybe something I did caused this to happen.” I open my mouth to speak, but she shakes her head. “I know I didn’t, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.”
Neither of us says anything for a long time. Finally her eyes start to look heavy. “Thank you for coming,” she whispers right before her eyes drift shut. I don’t make a move to stand until her soft snores fill the room.
Slowly I stand and then head out into the living room, where Eli and now Carter are waiting. Carter stands and comes toward me. I’ll kick his ass if he tries anything; I don’t care if he’s almost as big as I am. He stops in front of me. “How was she?”
“Sad. Weepy. She just fell asleep.” I don’t miss Carter’s look of surprise.
“She’s sleeping?” I nod. “Thank fuck. She didn’t sleep last night. She’ll pretend, but as soon as she thinks we’re gone, she opens her eyes.”
“When I stepped out, she was snoring.”
Carter steps past me and disappears down the hall. He comes back a few seconds later and looks at Eli. “She’s out. I’m talking drool and everything.” He looks back at me. “What did you do?”
“Nothing, just told her that I was sorry and that I wanted the baby. I was scared, and she let me hold her hand while she talked. She thanked me for coming, and then her eyes closed.”
Carter excuses himself, and I can hear him talking to their parents. I’m glad she’s sleeping. It hurts to think that she’s suffering as hard as she seems to be. I’d love to take credit for her finally sleeping, but it was probably just exhaustion catching up with her.
Once Carter comes back into the living room, I ask both him and Eli to give me some time alone with her. “I don’t intend on hurting her. I just think we should talk, spend time together.”
“Fine, but only because I have to work in the morning.” He moves until we’re nose to nose. “If you hurt her, I don’t care if you’re a cop—I will end you.” Carter turns on his heel and heads over to Eli. “Let’s go. We’re not too far away if she needs us.”
They both just look at me as they head to the front door and out. I move toward the front window and watch them walk to their cars. After they’re gone, I step out to my own car, grab my bag, and bring it inside. I brought it just in case I ended up staying at her place.
I want her to get as much sleep as possible, giving her body a chance to heal itself. I put my bag in her bedroom against the wall and then step back out. A loud meow sounds from behind me. I scoop Ragnar up in my arms, and his purr vibrates against my chest.
“Hey, boy. Your momma is going to be okay. She just needs a little time, okay?”
That cat again answers me. I set him down and find a bag of treats. I grab him one, and he sits on his hind legs while he waits. She must sense them because Lagertha comes out a few seconds later and sits the same way. I find the remote for Chloe’s TV, turn it on, and then turn it way down. Flipping through the channels, I stop on a show about cars.
A while later, my phone dings. I pick it up and see it’s a text from Vi.
Violet: Hey you. I talked to Mom. I’m so sorry.
Joe: Thanks.
Violet: Mom says you’re there. How is she?
Joe: She’s finally sleeping. I just don’t know what to do or say to her.
Violet: Talk to Carrington or Damien. They miscarried before the twins, remember?
I totally forgot that my cousin and her husband had lost a baby. My aunt Bellamy, Carrington’s mom, also lost a baby, but she was toward the end of her pregnancy when it happened. Maybe they’d both be willing to talk to Chloe. Then she’d know that it’s possible to go on and have healthy children.
Joe: That’s right. Maybe I’ll give them a call. How are you?
She’s pregnant, too, so I’m sure all of this can’t make her feel good.
Violet: I’m great! I feel good. Of course now I feel guilty because you both are going through your loss.
Joe: No, don’t feel bad. I’m happy for you guys. It hurts Vi—it hurts fucking bad.
My phone rings, and I quickly answer it. “Hey.”
“I know it hurts. I’m so freaking sorry. Do you want me to fly up there? I could come see you both.”
“As much as I would love to see you right now, I just don’t think it would be a good idea. You’re pregnant, and I’m afraid it could upset Chloe to see you.”
“Oh God, you’re right. What was I thinking?”
“You were thinking about your cousin and…well, your cousin.” It’s too bad she wasn’t closer; I could use my best friend.
We don’t talk much longer before hanging up. Quietly, I walk down the hall and peek in on Chloe. Her quiet snores fill the room. I move around her bed, reach out, and stroke her hair out of her face. Even though she’s got bags under her eyes and she’s pale, she’s still fucking gorgeous.
She doesn’t even move.