I sit my beer down on my bathroom sink and stare at the shiny little blade next to my shaving gel. How many times have I used it? How many times have I stood here staring at it? Too many to count.
But this time is different.
This time fear swirls deep in my chest. Fear of pain. Fear of hurting Cassia. There’s a nagging in the back of my head, like the one that use to tell me I needed to smoke…I’m an addict. I know that now. I’m addicted to the slice of the razor and the burning sensation it brings. I’m addicted to the rush of emotions and the whirl of endorphins.
But I’m addicted to Cassia more. I don’t have to hurt my body for any of those things when I’m with her. She gives them to me freely. That’s what I need. I can’t survive on cutting. I just can’t.
I grab the razor, slip it inside a blue sponge to conceal it, and drop it into the bin. I went cold turkey with smoking, I can do it with this too. No more.
Telling Cassia about Penelope and Mom was a factor in my decision too. Saying it aloud freed up a sliver of space inside me, allowing relief to pour in. I’ve spent so long shutting people out I didn’t consider how good it would feel to let someone in.
The world doesn’t seem so bad anymore…I feel like I have purpose. That I’m more than what I am.
My phone vibrates against the porcelain basin and I read it as it flickers across the screen
No. I could use the fresh air. See you soon. X
C.
Like hell she’s going to walk here at this time of night. It’ll take her at least an hour and a half to get here on foot. I ran it in forty minutes.
I grab my beer. I’ve had too many to drive now. I’ve downed five since I’ve been home and they’re starting to hit me.
Damn.
I tell her to text me every five minutes and to call if she needs it. I may be half drunk, but I’d still risk driving to get her if I have to.
The time passes quickly. I spend it tidying my pool house and straightening my bed. I find her black panties on the floor and hang them on the end of my bed. A noble trophy for a noble man. I snicker.
I down the last of my beer, toss it into the trashcan and drop against my bed. I tuck my hands behind my head and close my eyes.
Apparently, I fall asleep because when I open them. My shower is going and steam billows from the crack in the bathroom door. Squinting, I reach for my phone. Eight text messages, all from Cassia. The last one being:
I don’t know if u r awake…but I’m here.
C.
I flick my phone over my shoulder and sit up. As I rub sleep out of my eyes, the shower door opens and closes. Along the foggy glass, her silhouette takes shape and I can’t help but follow it from the gentle slope of her nose to the soft arc of her chin. My muscles tighten as I drag my gaze down her slender throat and over the curve of her generous breasts. To look as good as her…how’d she go so long without being touched? One person before me? Whoever has stumbled across her path has impeccable willpower. If I’m being honest, she had me on my knees the second I laid eyes on her. How’d I get so lucky?
I push myself to my feet and pull back the blankets. Despite my power nap, I could still sleep for days.
“Did I wake you?”
I whip my head over my shoulder and just about die when I see Cassia standing there in a white tank top and gray boyshorts. I sigh in relief. She’s here safe. Her hair is damp against her top, the wet fabric threatening to give me a peek of her nipple.
“Uh.” I shake my head. “Nah, I wasn’t very comfortable anyway.”
Her deep, blue stare rakes me from head to toe, taking in my dark, gray sweatpants and shirtless torso. I showered earlier…I wish I’d waited so I could’ve joined her.
I sit on the edge of the bed and rest my elbows on my thighs. She seems so nervous all the way over there. Am I making her nervous?
Cassia shuffles forward. “Can I turn out the light?”
I nod and wait as she crosses the room and switched out the light. In the darkness, I exhale. I like the dark. It’s almost…refreshing.
I slip under the covers as Cassia slides onto the bed and bounces into a comfortable position. One our backs, we lay a foot apart and stare up at a ceiling we can’t see.
“I want to get out of here early before your dad comes home…” She whispers, breaking the silence. “If you can take me to the hospital, I’d really appreciate it.”
Getting her out of here before Dad shows up is probably a good idea. He’s cancelled his trip because of my party and he is going to be pissed. I’d hate for him to shove the blame onto her when she had nothing to do with it.
I roll onto my side, facing her. “Of course.”
“And thank you for letting me stay the night.”
She brushes her fingertips along my stomach and the muscles clench in surprise. I shut my eyes. Her hands feel so amazing…so soft and comforting. My head spins with the essence of alcohol and I hate that it makes it slightly more difficult to focus on the moment.
She glides her fingers over my ribs and down my hip, rolling her body in my direction. Her slender nose brushes mine and I open my eyes. I can’t see her.
I wish I could…
I kiss her quickly and I swear I can hear her smile. I smile too. There’s a sharp pain in my chest, on that conjures the thought that I don’t deserve to be so happy…and maybe I don’t, but I’ll be damned if I’m not going to enjoy it while it lasts.
I kiss her again, catching her lip between my teeth. Hissing, she plants her hand on my chest and I release her. Instantly, I taste blood on my tongue.
“Shit.” I swear, pushing myself onto my elbow. “Did I cut you?”
“No.” She states, sitting up. “It wasn’t you.”
I sit up and bend forward, rubbing my hands over the blanket until I find my phone. I hit the lock key and light up the room. Cassia hides her mouth behind her hand.
I reach out. “Let me see.”
“It’s nothing.”
I grab her wrist and pull her hand away from her mouth. At the corner, there’s a little split. It’s red and swollen…and it’s definitely not from me. My heart stutters. Marcus?
I frown. “Did he hit you?”
She drops back against the pillow. “It’s a tiny cut. It’s no big deal.”
Rage builds. A different kind of rage than what I’ve felt up until this point in my life. It’s not a rage developed from grief. It’s a rage born of love. And it’s fucking terrifying. Kicking back the blanket, I throw my legs over the edge of the bed and jump to my feet. Cassia calls my name and I barely hear it over the blood pounding in my ears. I race to the light switch and flick it on.
“Caleb?”
I ignore her as I cross to my dresser and pull out a t-shirt.
“Where are you going?” Cassia demands, darting over to me.
I ignore her panicked voice. She doesn’t have to be scared. I’ll make it right.
“I’m talking to you!” She snaps, gripping my arm in her hand.
I look at her…and wince when I see the faint bruise forming on her cheek. Her beautiful face…and he thinks he can touch it? He thinks he can scar it? Her face? I’ll kill him.
“Where are you going?” She utters, tears welling in her eyes.
Like she even needs to ask me that question. Is it not obvious?
“I’m going to see that piece of shit.” I tell her, my voice dead calm.
I pull my shirt on over my head.
Her eyes widen. “You can’t.”
“Watch me.”
I reach for the keys to my truck, but she moves quickly and snatches them out from underneath my hand. I clench my jaw on and off, trying my hardest not to lose the plot at her. She wants to protect her father and I admire that, but he fucked up. I’ve let his abuse slide this whole time and look what happened. There are teachers and then there are educators. I will leave an impression so deep he’ll never raise his voice again.
I sneer. “You think I won’t run there?”
Cassia inches closer, desperation glowing in her eyes. “Caleb, please. He was mad and rightly so.”
I flinch in disgust. Rightly so? Rightly fucking so?
“And you think that is an excuse?”
She shakes her head and reaches out for me. “Absolutely not, but it is a reason.”
“A reason for what?”
She slides the palms of her hands over my chest and threads her fingers together behind my neck.
“I’m moving away.”
Is that supposed to relax me? I don’t understand. Her parents are going to have a rough time getting through me to make that happen.
“They can’t make you.” I tell her.
She shakes her head. “Not with my parents. With Fiona. I’m going with her to New York.”
Just like that, my rage disintegrates. New York? With Fiona? “What? Cass—”
“Come with me, please.” She strokes my neck with her thumb. “I want you to be there with me.”
There’s a soft, sad curve to her blue eyes as they flicker between mine. “Come with you? To New York? That’s on the other side of the country.”
“It’s far away from my parents.”
Far away from me. I pull away from her as my ribs threaten to close in on my lungs. “What makes you think they won’t follow you there?”
She snorts. “New York is their Sodom. They won’t go anywhere near it.”
New York…I’ve wanted to get away from Paradise Valley for years. Maybe this is my shot to start over somewhere new, but Dad…I can’t leave him. He’ll be on his own. It’s because of me he doesn’t have anyone else.
“I don’t think I can…”
She reaches out for me again, this time gripping my shirt in her hands. “At least think about it. Promise me you’ll consider it?”
I rake my teeth over my bottom lip. Of course I’ll consider it. I’ll consider every option before allowing her to leave without me. I can’t go back to the way I was before I met her. I’m afraid if I revert back to that…it’ll be the end for me. I’m not strong enough to beat it…I’m not brave enough to tackle it head on.
“I promise.”
Cassia throws her arms around my neck and buries her face into my chest.
“Don’t go to my house. Stay.” She mutters, her voice muffled by my shirt. “Stay here with me.”
I stroke the palm of my hand down her hair and plant a kiss on the top of it. Marcus isn’t worth it. If Cassia now sees that she’s better than them what will my visit achieve?
She’s won. She beat them.
Cassia steps back and grips the hem of her shirt. My mouth runs dry as she lifts her arms and peels her tank top from her body, exposing her supple, full breasts.
Fuck.
Her damp hair slaps against her chest as she frees it from the fabric and drops it to the floor.
“That’s not fair.” I tell her, my entire body tightens, coiling painfully.
“What’s not fair?”
“What you’re doing.”
Her lips twitch. “And what am I doing?”
Cheeky…
She steps closer, pressing her firm tits against my chest.
Nine days is an awfully long time…
Nine days since I’ve indulged in her body…
Her hard nipples are felt through my shirt. I glance down and spot a beautiful sliver of goosebumps as they spring along her shoulders.
“I’m cold, Caleb.” She says, slipping her hands underneath my shirt. “Take me to bed and keep me warm.”
*Cassia*
He bites at the sensitive skin on my neck, sending incredible sensations radiating through my body. Is it possible to feel unbearably hot and deliciously cold in the same second? That’s how I feel. That’s how he makes me feel.
Caleb groans my name into the nape of my neck and I shiver, committing it to memory. Our bodies slide together, slick with sweat and God knows what else. We’ve been at this for a while. Every time we get close to the edge, he reigns himself in and shoves me over. I come by myself, begging him to follow me.
He wants more.
He wants to do this forever.
He fucks me good and proper…and I know it’s because he’s already decided he’s not coming to New York with me.