Crying is the only way your eyes speak when your mouth can’t explain how broken you are.
For the second time on that day, I woke up next to Blake. Or at least, I thought it was still that day.
The first thing that came to my mind was a single question: Was I going too fast? So many things had happened that I was confused about my own actions. I was never in a relationship before. I was too shy in the past to even kiss a guy, and now I was suddenly pregnant and engaged to a person I knew almost nothing about. I didn’t even know his favorite thing to do. What did he like? Dislike?
I never bothered to know any of those. I just accepted whatever was thrown my way with a nod. Why was I like that? Was something wrong with me? Why was I different? Was I wrong in some way? All I did was bring disaster wherever I went. I was probably just a burden to Blake. He was free, yet he suddenly had a woman to take care of. I was sure that even he wanted to be freed of me.
The previous day was so eventful that I’m surprised I could even sleep. And that kiss? The more I tried to ignore the fact that it happened, the more it came back to bite me. I glanced at Blake knowing that I had to ask him what was it all about or I was going to get insane from all those merciless thoughts of mine. I’m not going to lie; he seemed to know what he was doing with that kiss, but then again, why was I even wondering? I mean, it’s Blake we’re talking about. I’d be surprised if that man didn’t know anything.
What if he were to just say something like “Oh, it was just an ordinary kiss,” or so? How was I supposed to react? I mean, it was my first kiss after all, but somehow, one part of me was glad that it was Blake who took it, not someone else; he was my soon-to-be-husband, and I always wanted to keep it for the guy I’d be marrying. Old fashioned or just foolish, I didn’t know.
And then again, that statement sounded so wrong.
Sighing, I tried to get up, but his arm grabbed my waist before bringing me back to his chest.
There goes getting up.
“Stay,” he mumbled sheepishly and yawned. I fought my urge to pinch his cheeks at how cute he looked. But I stopped. That was most definitely not the way my thoughts were supposed to go. What was wrong with me? Why was I so relaxed around him? It was not love, I reminded myself. Trust? No, I didn’t think so. I did trust him up to some point but only as much as I could without knowing his real life. Returning to the previous matter, I tried to trick him into getting up.
“But, Blake, we should get up. We’ve been sleeping for the entire day,” I replied, realizing how long we had been sleeping. I had never slept through an entire day.
“So what? We said that we’ll be up for dinner, not the rest of the day,” he said, opening his eyes and staring at me intensely. Those blue eyes of his seemed to engulf me. Odd eyes he had; they seemed to have emotions, but when you’d look deeper into them, they seemed like they didn’t know what emotion is at all. I removed my gaze, feeling that if I stared any longer at them, I’d drown in their cold.
Unknown.
Yes, Blake was completely an unknown man to me. I could never guess who he really was.
“Still, it’s not healthy to sleep this much. Last thing we ate was lunch,” I mumbled, trying to hide my discomfort. You don’t know him, my mind reminded me.
“Are you hungry?” That got his attention as he pulled up. That worked if nothing else. Wait, was I?
“Not really, but still,” I said, my eyebrow raised in confusion. He stared at me still, and I gulped. I was once again reminded of the effect his eyes had on me.
“Then there’s nothing to worry about. Go back to sleep, munchkin,” he said and smiled, no more fixated stare as he closed his eyes and fell back on the bed.
“Munchkin?” I asked once I was able to comprehend his words and shook my head. Only Blake, only Blake.
“Do you have something better?” he asked, raising his perfectly shaped eyebrow. I needed to ask him how he did that; I couldn’t raise it properly to save my head.
“Nope. Forget I even asked.” I giggled. This Blake I was familiar with, I could confide in.
“Can’t promise.” He chuckled. “It’s hard to forget every time you laugh,” he said, his eyebrows wiggling in a way only he could do. A slight blush made its presence known on my cheeks.
“Sh-shut up,” I said, not coming up with a good comeback.
“Wow, the day you were left speechless have finally arrived,” he said, turning to me and his head resting on his hand while his hair looked as neat as if he didn’t sleep at all. Suddenly, not feeling too confident in my hair, I moved my hands to somehow style it as passable, knowing that I probably looked like a witch.
“Yeah, and I can stop talking to you for an entire day as well.” I stuck out my tongue at him, making him roar with laughter as my blush intensified.
“And just as I thought that I had you.” He sighed once he calmed down, closing his eyes. That’s it; this was my chance. It was now or never.
“Blake.”
“Kaley.”
We both said our names at the same time. A small tug on his lips indicated that he was about to smile, but he stopped himself.
“Ladies first,” he said, and I nodded, ignoring the whole lady fact. I was here to ask him about the kiss, not start another “I thought I was not a lady” argument with him.
I didn’t know how to approach him with my question. What would he think of me if I were to ask him something so unusual? I mean, how often do you get asked, “Did the kiss we share mean anything for you?” How was I supposed to begin? Maybe I should’ve just mentioned the kiss and let the story evolve?
Just ask, coward.
“Um…It’s…” I bit my lip, and he groaned. “Are you alright?” I wondered if he was in pain.
“Yes, please continue.” He shook his head, and I shrugged. If he said so.
“Well…” Fuck everything. Sighing, I decided to get right to the point. “About that kiss…” Even though I wanted to say it loud and confidently, in the end, it sounded like a whisper. And that was not really straight to the point. I didn’t ask what it meant to him.
“What about it?” he encouraged me for more, raising his eyebrow once again, making him look somehow intimidating in front of me. Or was it because of those eyes that once again remained so focused on me that I felt that way?
“Well…” My mind stopped.
“Why are you so confused?” was the first thing he spoke, a frown on his face. It was his usual face I knew so well. “I simply felt like kissing you when I saw you there in front of me, with your lips inviting mine, so there’s nothing much to wonder. I liked it, and I like you,” he said nonchalantly, and I blushed. It was just an ordinary kiss for him after all. Wait, he liked it? And he liked me?
“Relax now. It was just a little peck. It’s not like it was your first kiss,” he said and smiled. Staring at him with my mouth open and realizing what he’s just said, I immediately covered myself with the blanket. “You gotta be kidding me, seriously?” he asked. No way am I uncovering myself to face him.
“Shut up,” I said. My blush was in its most intense phase when suddenly, the thin blanket that protected me from his eyes got removed from me, and I gasped.
“This cannot be allowed to happen. We have to fix that.”
Yeah, I should undo the time and never ask you about it.
“First kiss isn’t supposed to be some peck. It’s supposed to be a real kiss.” He looked like a little child who just realized that Santa didn’t exist and wanted to fix that and bring him back. My confusion didn’t falter for a second as he got on top on me, his hands and his legs around my body trying not to crush me. His expression changed from disbelief to pure determination.
And then it dawned on me.
Before I had any chance to complain, our lips clashed as if they yearned to meet again.
His movements were slow. Blake took his time claiming my lips as I gave in to him. I tried to make mine move in sync with his. I didn’t know what to do, so I just tried to go along with the flow. His lips were so gentle and soft that I lost my sense. My hand moved to his neck on its own, my body betraying me for this sinful pleasure. Everything around me seemed to disappear. Any worry or problem I had was gone from my mind as if I knew of no other action but kissing him.
Just as I thought that it was all he could offer me, he bit my lip, making me gasp. He seemed to like that since I heard him chuckle above my lips before he, with a swift movement, slipped his tongue into my mouth. My eyes widened.
Back when I was younger, I would think of it being gross and no-no, but now it seemed so…normal and right like everything seemed to fall back in place. There were no sparks, just a feeling that every movement of our lips being in the right place.
The pure bliss that had my toes curled stopped when things escalated to another level. His hands had trailed down my sides before I felt the hem of my shirt going up, and panic immediately ringed in my ears.
No, I couldn’t do it, not now, not again. The moment where I forgot everything became the moment when I remembered everything. The peace and tranquility that came with the kiss changed to fear and panic.
I did my best trying to wiggle away from his grasp as my eyes got teary, my only thoughts telling me to run from him, and that seemed like it brought him back to some sense. He realized what he had done.
But it was too late.
“Shit, sorry.” He was fast to apologize. “I didn’t mean to do that…Please calm down. I’m so sorry.” But his words only brought me more tears. “Fuck, I’m sorry munchkin. Please calm down. Shh, sorry,” he continued as he hugged me. He even kissed my forehead.
But that couldn’t help. I finally remembered what I had been trying to forget ever since, all the things he did that night to me. It made my stomach flip in fear and want to vomit.
Shaking my head as I had only one thought on my mind, I escaped from his grasp and rushed to the bathroom before vomiting, though there wasn’t much I could throw up since I hadn’t eaten since yesterday.
It wasn’t long before I felt his hand moving the strands of my hair behind my ears and gently rubbing my back.
“Fuck, I forgot about your vitamins and medicines,” he mumbled, rubbing my back with his other hand. Once I was done, he had lifted me up and washed my face. I couldn’t speak. Every time I started to, I’d remember that night.
“Better now?” he asked, and I weakly nodded, trying to shake my thoughts off the memories that seemed so vivid, focusing on hunger instead or anything. Once again, he lifted me up, and I curled in his arms, fearing him for some reason. Whenever I closed my eyes, that night was playing in my head, making me afraid to even blink. So I sobbed against his chest, trying my best not to burst into tears once again, but it was useless.
You can run, but you cannot escape.
“I’m sorry, please forgive me. I didn’t think…I swear I didn’t want to…I’m so sorry.” He kissed my head, but my eyes drifted to his hand. The same right arm that hit me back then, the same arm that pulled my hair, the same hand that was pinning me down while he had his way with me. I knew, I accepted it all, I agreed to it all, but I still couldn’t shake the damn feeling of what happened. I tried to ignore it for so long, but that was not enough to change the past.
“I’m so sorry.” His voice was filled with pain, despair, and regret, and I immediately knew that he meant what he said, but I couldn’t help and flinch a bit whenever his arm touched me.
I was not right. I was so wrong, so…broken. He didn’t deserve me. No one deserved to put up with me.
“It…it’s okay.” I hiccupped, wiping my tears, but they kept falling, and he simply kept repeating his apologies all over again. I didn’t want to cry, but I couldn’t stop myself. Everything that made my life a mess from my parents’ death to Ayden to Blake hit me like a train, and tears just continued to assault me.
He so didn’t deserve to deal with me.
Always will I be just a burden.
Around half an hour later, I finally managed to calm down. Blake brought me a glass of water, never asking, never yelling, just apologizing as I gladly took it to ease my sore throat. I glanced at him, and he looked like a mess with his shirt stained with my tears.
My subconscious returned to bite me again, told me that I didn’t deserve him. It made me want to apologize, but he was faster.
“I’m sorry.”
I shook my head. He shouldn’t apologize. I should. I didn’t know.
“You already said that, and I told you that it’s alright,” I mumbled, looking at my hands. I know that it was because of his instincts he reacted that way when we kissed. I was not really blaming him. I was just afraid of being hurt again. My fault. It was my fault. Everything was my fault. If I had told him right then what the money was for, he wouldn’t have ended up having a burden of the baby and me.
“I know, but not for that.” He gulped. I looked up at him. Something told me that what would follow was only going to make me cry again, and I waited patiently, knowingly.
This time, prepared.
“I realized that I never apologized for what I’ve done, and trust me when I say that I regret hurting you and that I would have wanted us to start differently. And I also apologize for making you do all those…things for me. I’m so sorry,” he said, lowering his head in shame. I just nodded, and since he couldn’t see, I made my first move and hugged him.
He didn’t deserve to put up with me, I repeated. With my mind too broken to encourage me, I could only blame myself.
This time, I couldn’t say that it was alright because it wasn’t. It could never be. The past is never-ending. Always will it come back to bite us, to trample our future. I looked at us, at what we had become.
I was too broken, and he was also damaged in his own way. The happy times we spent were just that: happy times. Not the reality nor the life we were going to have. He had his demons, and I had my fears. The two of us were just about to go through the hell, and we maybe we wouldn’t be able to get back alive.
He was my savior, but my destroyer just as much.
He was my protector, but I was supposed to be protected from him as well.
And he was the one to fix me but was also the one who broke me down.
I, however, did know one thing, and that was that I cared for him, that I didn’t want to lose him, which was precisely the reason why I didn’t want him to suffer with me by his side.
I tried to run, but he didn’t want to let me go.
And there was nothing I feared more than the fact that I was going to get burnt by my own feelings.
For I knew. I knew that it was all just the beginning.