Julie
I hear my phone ring as I’m putting away everything Staci insisted on buying for me on our shopping trip. The few journals of Colin’s I managed to sneak home with me fit nicely in the slouch bag she forced me to buy. I shove them inside for safe keeping and look in the mirror—the entire pregnancy drama has taken a toll on my hair and skin. Oliver isn’t speaking to me, so I don’t rush to find the phone. It’s probably Randy wondering where I’d been all day.
The lavender blouse that she picked out feels nice against my skin; I smooth out the fabric over my stomach and think about Oliver. I’m sure Staci mailed the envelope for me; I’d scratched his address on it when I debated on mailing it myself.
Can I forget about Oliver and move on?
No. I love him. He’s been slowly fixing me, putting all of the broken pieces back together one by one.
There’s a knock at my door and it opens before I can get to it. Clyde peeks his head in with his eyes squeezed closed so tightly that it’s comical. I laugh as he enters, opens his eyes, and blushes. “Oh, hey Aunt Julie.”
“Clyde, is everything okay?”
He looks sad. “You haven’t been around much lately. You’ve been going on vacations with your new boyfriend.”
I smile at him. “We didn’t take a vacation. More like…a getaway.”
He rolls his eyes. “Whatever. You’re letting him take over your life just like Brandon did. At least that’s what Dad says.”
I sit across from him on the sofa. “Your dad shouldn’t be discussing my relationships with you, Clyde. That’s not something you need to worry about. I’ll be fine.”
He smiles and perks up. “Well, thanks for being there for me with the school thing. He said I still have to take smart classes, but at least it’s a normal school.” We hear sirens blaring somewhere in the neighborhood, and it distracts me for a minute.
The rain pounds against the roof with such force that it shakes the walls too. It’s getting worse outside, and I can’t help but feel like it’s my fault. My bad mood has caused this thunderstorm somehow, and maybe that’s dramatic but right now, I don’t care.
My attention focuses back on Clyde when he snaps his fingers in front of me. “Did you hear me, Julie?”
I shake my head. “No, sorry.”
“I asked if you’d take me to get some ice cream.”
My stomach grumbles. “Yeah, that sounds good. Let’s go.” I smile and he jumps up, taking my hand and starting to pull me toward the door. The rain outside isn’t letting up, so I grab a sweater before he manages to drag me into the main house.
“Come on, Dad, come with us,” Clyde says. “Julie’s taking me to get ice cream.” My stomach hurts. I don’t need to hear his criticism right now.
I raise my eyebrows at my brother. “We’re going to Gerda’s.”
Gerda’s Ice Cream Parlor has been around for as long as I can remember. Randy used to take me there when I was younger and would visit him for the summers, before I actually moved here. I think about Oliver and chocolate chip ice cream, frowning.
The sirens grow louder and it piques Randy’s attention. “Okay, but I’m driving,” he mutters, putting his newspaper down. He eyes me and puts his glasses in his shirt pocket. “If you think I’m getting into a car with her driving…you’re not as smart as we all think.”
Clyde laughs and looks at me. “Let’s just go,” I say, trying not to smile.
Clyde ushers us outside, and as we back out of the driveway, the sirens get louder. The rain starts to let up a little and we can see ahead of us now. A quarter mile away from the house, there’s a long line of traffic at an intersection. We can see several police cars, fire trucks, and ambulances parked along the road. Broken car parts are scattered everywhere, and people are still screaming and crying, running around with no direction.
“Whoa, that must have been quite a mess,” Randy says, nodding toward a police officer he apparently knows. “I hope everyone is okay.”
I crane my neck to look closer as we inch toward the accident. Shattered glass and debris come into view better with the car lights; people are standing around helping others while paramedics attend to the wounded. I swear that I see someone being rolled away beneath a white sheet before Randy blocks my view; he rolls down his window and waves the officer he knows down. The man walks toward the window with an intense look on his face. “Hey, Brad. What happened? Did everyone survive?” Randy asks.
Brad shakes his head in sadness. “Not everyone. The driver of one of the vehicles involved didn’t make it. He was mangled up pretty bad. I think he died on impact.” Brad looks in the backseat and notices Clyde.
My stomach starts to hurt so badly I nearly throw up. Clyde’s hand lands on my shoulder. “How did it happen?” I force myself to ask.
Brad shrugs. “The roads are slick and the driver of the truck wasn’t paying attention. It smashed into the back of the Jeep at a high speed and caused it to hit another car head-on. Then it hit two other cars in the intersection and flipped several times. Poor bastard.” Brad looks at the traffic piling up behind us. “Well, better get you all on through. Stay safe out there, okay?”
Randy nods. “Let me know the drivers involved, okay?”
Jeep.
He said Jeep.
“Which driver didn’t survive?” I ask in a panic, but Brad has already stepped away. We slowly make our way down the road, around the accident.
I see the truck that smashed into the Jeep.
I see the two cars that the Jeep hit.
Then, I see it.
The Jeep sits mangled on the side of the intersection, upside-down and almost unrecognizable to the point where I can’t even tell what color it is. “Is there someone inside that Jeep?” I stretch my neck, then lean my body over closer to Randy to try and see better. “I don’t see anyone…is there someone in there?”
He speeds the car up, forcing me to sit back down. I keep my eyes on the accident until I can’t see it anymore. My stomach turns as I try and tell myself that isn’t Oliver’s Jeep on the side of that road mangled up. I have to make sure he’s alive.
I take my phone from my pocket and dial Oliver’s number.
What if he answers?
What do I say to him?
My heart skips several beats in a row.
I hang up and send him a text message instead.
Julie: Please call me. I love you.
Now all I can do is wait as we pull up to Gerda’s. Clyde hops out and sees some of his friends; he follows them inside. I can feel the tension between Randy and me; he doesn’t make it worse because I think he can feel my fear.
“Did you get him?” he asks. His eyes are shaded and I get an odd feeling that he knows something. “I don’t think it was his Jeep, Julie.”
I suck in a deep breath. “I couldn’t tell. I don’t know why he would be in our area.”
My heart freezes. The house he bought is near Randy’s.
My body buzzes with fear and I shake so badly that Randy takes my hand into his to comfort me. “Let’s just go in so Clyde doesn’t freak out, okay? I’ll make a few phone calls and see what I can find out.”
I nod. That’s all I can do—wait. He leaves me in the Jeep so I can have a few minutes of silence by myself. My phone rings and it startles me, making me nearly drop it on the floor of the car.
“Hello.” My voice is dark and sad.
“Julie?” Staci says. “What’s wrong? Did Oliver call you?”
“No, is he okay?”
“I don’t know. I mean, he was when I dropped off your envelope. That was over an hour ago, though. I stole it from the table…I wanted you to know.” I can hear her speaking, but I stop listening when she has nothing to say that I actually want to hear.
She doesn’t have any good news about Oliver.
She doesn’t have any bad news about Oliver, either.
I sigh. “Thanks for doing that. I’m actually with my family right now—”
“Say no more. Call me later, okay?”
I hang up the phone. I don’t have time to think about fun when I don’t know if Oliver is alive or not. I have to calm down; there are tons of people with Jeeps in Rockford.
Randy: Are you coming in?
I look up and Randy is standing in the window, waving me inside. I step into the rain and hope my legs won’t give out. All of the stress has flowed through my body, and the laughter inside the ice cream parlor doesn’t make me forget about anything at all. I clutch my phone in my hand the entire time, hoping he’ll just call and tell me he’s okay.
The entire hour we’re in the shop, it never goes off.
No call from Oliver.
No texts from Oliver.
My mind is spinning out of control.
On the way back home, the accident has been cleared and I can’t see the Jeep anymore. I look around the intersection as if I’d be able to get any answers, but there’s nothing.
“When was the last time you heard from him?” Randy asks me in the dark car as we park, careful not to wake Clyde from his sugar coma.
I don’t want to answer him. He already hates Oliver as it is. “When he dropped me off last.”
He scoffs. “You mean when you came stomping through the house all pissed off?”
I nod. “I guess.”
“Why do you let people walk all over you? Why do you only stay with men who hurt you and make you feel this way?”
I slam my hands on the dashboard, waking Clyde up. “Clyde, go inside.” The velocity of anger in my voice startles him, and he does what he’s told without question. Randy looks a little taken aback by my boldness. He’s never heard me stick up for myself before.
“Oliver and I love each other, okay? I love him and he loves me.” I glare at him in the moonlight. “People fight, relationships aren’t perfect. I’m sorry you lost the most perfect woman in the world to you, but in the real world, people fight and sometimes make up. And another thing—” I whip my head to look at him directly. “—Oliver would never do something deliberately to hurt me like Brandon did. He takes care of me. He bought a house for me.”
His eyebrows rise. “Oh, really? Where?”
“A few blocks from here, so it’ll be closer to my classes.”
Randy nods his head in approval. “I like that you’ve taken notice of my offer of paying for you to go to school. And I never said I didn’t like Oliver…you know that, right? I just hate seeing you make the same mistake over again. The last one did you in pretty good.”
Brandon. They have names.
I’m not sure he even cares.
“You are so judgmental that I don’t want to tell you anything anymore, Randy. I had parents, remember? They mistreated me and I left them behind—don’t make me do the same to you.” I narrow my eyes at his look of surprise. “You know what I mean. I grew up without parental supervision, and I think I turned out okay. I just want you to be my brother, not my father.”
He sighs and rubs his hands over his forehead. “Look, I’m flying blind here with Clyde and you both, okay? Marianna always took care of these things, and since she’s been gone, it’s been hard. I want to do right by both of you. Can we just leave it at that?”
I smile. “Fine, we can do that.”
I think about our newfound respect for each other as I walk back to the pool house, but I still can’t shake the awful feeling about Oliver. I haven’t heard from him, and even though he’s upset with me, he would at least contact me in some way.
Before I can take my sweater off in the pool house, there’s a loud knock on the door. I sigh and don’t bother turning around since it’s probably Clyde again. “Come in,” I say. Peeling the sweater off of my shoulders, I toss it into the laundry basket because it’s wet and smells like rain. When I turn around to talk to Clyde, a weird feeling washes over me because it’s not my nephew staring back at me from across the room.
It’s Casey.
“H-Hey.” His voice is weak. “Sorry to surprise you…I got your address from Oliver’s apartment. I’m looking for him so we can talk.”
I snort. “You and me, both.” I wave my hands at him, gesturing him inside. “Come in and join the party; I haven’t heard from him.”
He smirks and sits down on the sofa, stretching his legs like he belongs there. I’ll admit, Casey is a pretty easygoing person to be around. I know he’s had his difficulties with Oliver, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be his friend. I need all the friends I can get these days since it’s hard enough to trust one person.
“So, did you see that wreck down the street?” he asks, his eyebrows rising as I sit on the opposite end of the small sofa. It’s still close enough to be a little uncomfortable. “I passed what was left on my way here—that must’ve been a damn mess.”
I nod. “It was. I saw it when my nephew dragged my brother and I out for ice cream.”
Casey’s smile is warm and wide. “That’s pretty cool. I don’t have any real siblings…none that I can say I’ve known as a sibling, anyway.” The flush in his cheeks lets me know that he’s said too much. “I’m sorry; I’m not here to drag your mood down.”
I still haven’t heard from Oliver. That thought has to be pushed to the back of my mind or I’ll explode.
“What really happened with you and Oliver?” I blurt.
Casey doesn’t get angry or defensive; the sadness of the breath he exhales tickles my skin. It’s hard not to like him and his all-American boy demeanor, but it’s also hard to not respect Oliver enough to feel a bit uncomfortable about getting into his business like this. I know Casey had sex with Heather at least twice, including once while he was involved with Nora, but not much beyond that.
“I slept with Heather when they first started dating—I’m talking about within the first few weeks.” His back straightens and he frowns. “That doesn’t excuse it, but it happened. I didn’t know he would keep her so long…they were so different that I thought he’d tire of her and he’d never find out.”
I shake my head. “That’s horrible. So, what? Oliver and I are different—are we not meant to be?”
“That’s not the same. It’s not that you and Oliver are different people…you’re different from anyone he’s ever been with. Maybe that’s the key to his happiness.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. “You’re a good friend, Casey, even if you think otherwise. Oliver told me that you helped him look for me at Lake Reed when I ran off—only a good friend would set aside their own crap and help someone they care about.”
He makes an agreeing noise and looks down at his hands. “Can I talk to you about something…more personal?”
I nod. “Of course you can. We’re friends, right?”
A slight smile spreads across his face. When his chocolate brown eyes meet mine, a sense of security washes over me. The same safe feeling that Oliver gives me.
Oliver.
Where is he?
Casey clears his throat. “Well, you know that obviously Nora and I broke up.” The sadness is placed perfectly in his voice. “I can’t say that I blame her. So, I know where I fucked up, but why do you think I did it?”
Oh.
Well, how should I know?
For the sake of friendship and trying to ease his troubled mind—to take my mind off of my own troubles—I take his hand into mine and pat it like you would a crying child. It’s weird, holding the hand of someone else, but Casey needs some sort of comfort and I need to take my mind off of where the hell Oliver is and what he’s doing.
“I don’t know, Casey. I don’t know you that well. I mean, I guess I would say that maybe, deep down, you wanted something different but were afraid to end it with Nora? She liked you a lot—and I love Nora—but she’s not exactly known to be…monogamous, either.”
His eyebrows rise. “Oh? She didn’t—”
I shake my head instantly. “No, she never cheated. Why people do that is beyond me. I’ve never been a person to have my cake and eat it too.”
Casey’s laugh is fresh. “You’re pretty much a saint, Julie. Maybe someday I can find someone like you to tie me down.” He winks, and it makes me let go of his hand. I don’t want to even think about Casey flirting with me; this isn’t an okay situation to put myself in.
“Sorry.” He lowers his gaze to his lap. “I didn’t mean to make it awkward.”
Oh, this poor guy.
No…think about something else. He doesn’t need you to save him.
“What do you want out of life, Casey?” I ask. “What do you really, really want?”
He doesn’t waste time thinking about it. “I want what Oliver has.”
Oh, crap.
“I want what you and Oliver have, let me be clear.”
The sick feeling in my stomach fades. “Oliver and I aren’t perfect, Casey. We have our faults and we drive each other crazy.”
He scoffs. “No, you don’t get it. You made him into a whole new person. Before you, he was…lost. He slept with a different woman every night.” He notices the grimace on my face but keeps going. “And he literally didn’t care about anything except working out and getting that next one-night stand. You changed him, Julie. That’s what I want.”
“You can change yourself,” I say. “You don’t need someone to do it for you.”
“But Oliver did.”
The unrestrained annoyance is seeping out into my voice. “Casey, your first problem is that you need to stop comparing yourself to Oliver. He isn’t perfect. I’m not perfect, and you aren’t, either. That’s the beauty of things: you can be whoever you want to be. Don’t strive to be someone you’re not.”
Before he can answer, my phone starts to ring in my hand. I look down and notice that it’s not a number I recognize, but I want to get out of this conversation with Casey. I answer the call.
“Hello?”
“Is this Julie Remington?” a woman asks.
I take the phone away from my ear and check the number again. I figured it must be someone from the clinic following up with me.
“I looked at the results—everything is okay,” I say.
I hear loud beeping and voices on her end. “I’m not sure what you mean. This is Nurse Mary Callahan at Rockford Memorial. Do you know an Oliver Jackson?”
The phone drops from my hand onto the floor. Casey looks at me, puzzled, then picks up the phone and greets the woman himself.
I’m going to throw up.
“I understand,” I hear Casey say, and his hand is around mine again, squeezing and letting me know that he’s here for me. I don’t wrap my fingers around his, but I don’t take my hand away, either. I need his comfort because something bad is about to happen…I can feel it. “Yes, we’ll be right there.” He hangs up the phone, shoving it into his jeans pocket.
He says my name, but it’s like he’s a million miles away.
“Hey…” The softness in his voice shines through. “Did you hear me? Oliver is in the hospital. We have to go.”
I can’t move.
“Julie.” Casey’s voice sounds closer now. “Come on, we gotta go.” I feel him pick me up and start to carry me outside. The rain is now a light mist, so the heat coming from his body is calming…and terrifying. I squirm in his grip, signaling for him to let me go, and he sets me down on the sidewalk in front of the house. His eyes are wet with tears.
“I can walk,” I say, my voice raspy. “Can you drive?”
Casey nods. “I won’t let you down.”
Oliver, I’m coming. I need to see you.
Dead or alive.