Julie
The cold steel building towers over me. I read the sign out front over and over until it’s seared into my brain.
The Rockford Women’s Clinic.
It’s just taunting me, waiting for me to step one foot inside of it so my life can be ruined more than it already is. Oliver isn’t going to forgive me for coming here alone, but I couldn’t bring myself to call him again just to be sent to voicemail. I think about Oliver’s rules as I stare at the building. I made him break his first rule when he fell in love with me. I don’t know how I did it. I don’t know what I did to make him fall so hard. For me, it’s like Oliver is something I’ve been searching for without realizing it. Brandon messed me up so bad that Oliver just got stuck with the dirty job of fixing my broken heart.
And then he kinda broke it again.
But he’s breaking his second rule: Don’t take anything for granted.
He’s taking me for granted.
“Are you going in?” someone next to me says. “They’re really nice inside.”
When I turn my head to look at the girl, a small wave of panic washes over me. She’s young and very pregnant. I see the twinkle in her eye when she rubs the bump on her stomach and smiles. “Just tell them you’re friends with Quinn; they’ll get you in faster.” Her giggle is refreshing and light. Even though the dark bags beneath her eyes tell a different story, she’s upbeat and positive. “I’m Quinn.”
“Julie,” I croak. “You’re really young—”
She giggles again. “Very observant, Julie. I’m eighteen.”
I almost pull her into a bear hug. She’s just a kid…she had to grow up so fast. The world starts spinning so much that I need to sit down. I know I can’t rely on Quinn to help me, but it doesn’t matter—I fall to my knees.
“Eighteen? How can you be so…” I look up at her with wet eyes and so much fear that it’s leaking onto her. “…okay with all of this?” My hands hover over her stomach. “I’m only twenty-two and I’m scared out of my mind.”
Her giggle has changed to a thick and hearty chuckle. Her belly jiggles and she has to cross her legs while standing above me. “There’s nothing to be afraid of, Julie. Things can always get better, right? I didn’t have a job or a family when I got pregnant, and now I have both. I couldn’t be happier. Are you still with the father?” Her eyes travel to my stomach as I stand and try to get my bearings back.
I think I’m going to vomit. “I’m not sure.”
“Well, that’s okay.”
I clear my throat and try to save a little face. “I mean…I think we’re still together; he just doesn’t know I’m here. I’m not even sure I’m pregnant. That’s why I came.”
Quinn shakes her head. “Well, Julie, you have a friend in me.” She squints her eyes and pats my hand. “Good luck in there.” She smiles and gets into a waiting pickup truck. The guy in the front seat is smiling from ear to ear as she approaches; he gets out and helps her inside, looking back at me with the same determined look Quinn has. He nods, silently telling me that everything is going to be okay, and I believe him for a split second. It gives me enough courage to step inside the building and put my name on the sign-in sheet, at least.
When the nurse calls my name, I follow her down a long, white hallway and into a completely cold and sterile bathroom. She hands me a cup and tells me to pee in it before shutting the door. Everything just happens so fast that when it’s all over and the doctor sits in front of me with no hope in her eyes, my freak out finally begins.
“This was a mistake,” I say. “I don’t even need to be here…what was I thinking?”
“Miss Remington, please sit down.” Her voice isn’t giving me much choice. She raises her penciled-in eyebrows, sending shivers down my arms. “You’ve come this far and now you don’t want to know?”
I nod instantly. “That’s right.”
She sighs and takes a yellow envelope from the top of her desk. “Tell you what. I’ll give you the results and you can look at them when you’re ready.”
I snatch it from her hands and mutter a small “thank you” before rushing from the building. The clinic fades behind me as I make my way to the café where Staci is meeting me. The envelope in my bag holds my entire future inside, and it’s weighing heavily on me. I want to open it in the privacy of the pool house, where I can be alone and cry if I need to. Every time I look over at my bag, I see the corner of the yellow envelope sticking out—taunting me.
I pull into the parking lot of the café and don’t think about anything else but finding Staci. She jumps out of her seat when she sees me, and the envelope’s still peeking out of my bag as I hug her and set it at my feet.
“I’m so glad you called me!” Staci’s bubbly voice fills the air. “How are you?” Her question actually sounds sincere. Then again, Staci and Nora have always been the ones I’m able to relate to the most. “I already ordered mimosas and chicken and avocado salad—I hope you don’t mind. I know you don’t eat meat.” Her lips purse like she has a joke on the tip of her tongue about the meat situation.
I think about Oliver.
“How do you like your meat, Julie?” I hear his voice in my mind.
I sigh. “I eat meat sometimes, just not all the time.” I hold my stomach when it grumbles loudly, and it hurts from the lack of nutrients to digest. I suddenly find myself the hungriest I have ever been in my life—again. “I’m actually trying to stay away from alcohol.” I eye the yellow envelope at my feet.
She snorts and sips the water in her hand. “Why? You’re not pregnant, are you?”
I nearly throw up in front of her.
Her eyes widen when she sees my expression. “Are you?” Her gaze trails up and down my body several times. “Holy shit, you’re pregnant.”
I shush her so no one can hear. I don’t know for sure and I don’t want it spreading around town, just in case someone in here knows me or my brother. “I don’t know yet. I have the results in my bag. I haven’t read them yet.”
The waitress brings the mimosas and Staci takes them both, gulping half of the first one down in a single tip of the flute. Her fingers tap on the glass and she snickers. “Well, I guess since you’re eating for two now—”
“It’s not funny, Staci,” I scold her. “This is serious. The first reason being…it’s why Oliver and I aren’t speaking right now.”
“You bet your sweet ass it’s a big deal.” I notice a small twinge in her voice as she finishes her mimosa and starts on mine. “You’re having Oliver Jackson’s baby!”
I look around nervously, and a few women at the table across from us start whispering when she says that. Oliver isn’t exactly a celebrity, but around Rockford people do know him. “Not to mention, he’s completely gorgeous and so totally in love with you,” she continues.
I shake my head and dig into the salad. I eat like I’ve been starving for months—it’s crazy how nothing satisfies me. This uncontrollable empty feeling in my stomach can’t be normal with me only being a few weeks late. Nothing makes it go away. “He’s probably not even in love with me anymore—you didn’t see his face when I told him.”
“What happened?”
I think about my answer. What do I tell her? I don’t even know what happened, really. Everything is just a mess. No one understands Oliver like I do. I know what he wants before he does…I know he wants to be with me and anything that’s a part of me too.
“He sort of…embraced it and then shut me out.” She frowns, and I just shrug. “It was a weird situation anyway, but his reaction didn’t make it any better.”
As I tell her a play-by-play of the story, her eyes widen and my lips are so dry that licking them doesn’t help. “I don’t even know if he’ll answer my calls. I tried, and he sent me to voicemail. He was pretty clear he had nothing left to say to me.”
She laughs and blows a raspberry. “That boy is so in love with you that it kills me. It’s been so obvious since you both walked into the cabin and started making googly eyes at each other. Trust me, your story has a happy ending if I have anything to say about it. Maybe he’s just too busy preparing for an apology to talk.”
Our eyes meet and we both erupt in laughter at the same time. “You are such a bad liar.” I snort and it makes us laugh harder. “But I do appreciate you trying to make me feel better. I just can’t imagine what’s going through his head right now…when I don’t even know what’s going through mine.”
She listens to me rant about Oliver for ten solid minutes without interruption. I can feel her genuine concern for me as I keep talking; that’s something I never felt when I told Nora my problems.
My phone starts to ring, but I hardly hear it over our laughter. “You should get that…it’s been ringing for like five minutes.” Staci shoves salad into her mouth and smiles. When I bend over to search the bag for my phone, my stomach twists and I feel like I’m going to vomit again. I excuse myself to the bathroom and drink some cold water, trying to calm down. I look at my phone.
Oliver.
He left a voicemail.
I think about just deleting it, but I don’t want to be that way with him. He deserves so much more from me than that. I close my eyes and push the button, ready to listen.
“Julie, it’s Oliver. I’m sorry I didn’t answer when you called—I was a little busy. I’m not in a good place right now…I just need a little time to think. Don’t mistake this for something it’s not, because I do love you, Julie. No matter what happens, remember that. I’ll call you in a few days when I’m ready to talk. Again, I love you, sunshine.”
My stomach drops to the floor and the room starts to spin. Somehow, I make my way back to the table and Staci eyeballs me with suspicion. “Are you okay?” She scoots closer so she can whisper. “Did you throw up?”
I chuckle and shake my head. “No, almost. Oliver just called.”
“That was him calling? That’s a good thing, right?”
“I don’t know. He sounded sad. Like really, really sad. He said he needed time and then said he would call me in a few days.” I hand her the phone and let her listen to the message. She replays it twice then hands it back to me, a crumpled look on her face.
“That could mean anything.” She must see the reservation in my eyes. “Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. I’ll pay for lunch, and you and I are going shopping to cheer ourselves up. Then later on, we’ll open that envelope you’ve been guarding.” Her gaze goes toward my feet. “I don’t want to hear a word about it until then. You need to relax a bit. If you want to open it with Oliver, I understand.”
I smile at her and she hops up to pay our bill. It’s nice to have a friend who takes charge and knows what to do in a situation like this. I feel bad for Nora, still nursing a broken leg in the hospital, but Staci has turned out to be a pretty decent friend too. All I really know about Staci is that her mother was a famous model a few decades ago and her father is a film producer, but they’ve always kept her out of the celebrity limelight. Her gold credit card shimmers next to her manicured fingernails as she slips it back into her clutch.
“The rest of my day is free since my clients canceled. There’s an outlet mall about twenty minutes from here. Let’s go there first.” She winks at me. “I never pay full price for designer anything, Julie. That’s one of the many lessons I have to teach you today.”
I laugh. I have nothing to lose. “Okay, let’s do it.”
Staci pulls me around to dozens of stores in the outlet mall; we shop and have dinner like old friends. It isn’t until the ride home when I really start to appreciate her for who she is. I feel bad for always treating her like she’s just another dumb Rockford socialite when she’s clearly much more than that.
She doesn’t ask why we’re headed to the pool house when we park. We sneak around the house so Randy doesn’t bombard us with questions. I turn on the lights in my little safe haven and Staci’s eyes grow wide. “This is amazing! I wish I had a pool house.” She sighs loudly. “It’s like a huge, rich dorm room in the backyard of your hot brother’s house.”
I roll my eyes. “Growing up, all of my friends thought Randy was cute, but it’s always grossed me out. It still does.” I squint at her in warning.
She laughs. “I think he’s absolutely adorable.”
I don’t want to fuel that fire anymore, so I lower my eyes to the floor, hoping she’ll change the subject. “Do you miss Oliver?” she asks me. “He will come around, I promise.”
“Why should I wait for him to come around?” The anger rises in my throat. “I shouldn’t have to wait. We are together, or at least we were. This is too much drama.”
My eyes fix on the damn yellow envelope.
“Call him and tell him you have the answers,” she says.
I groan. “Fine.” I take out my phone and dial Oliver’s number before even thinking about it. Of course, he doesn’t answer and I get his voicemail, but I don’t leave one. Staci feels bad for me—I can see it in her eyes. She grabs the phone from me, finds his number, and sends a text message.
Julie: Oliver, we need to talk.
He answers almost instantly.
Oliver: I thought I said I would call you in a few days?
I want to cry.
Or throw up.
Or both.
Staci growls and smashes her fingers on the screen.
Julie: What is there to think about? Either you love me or you don’t.
Oliver: You know I love you, how can you question it?
Oliver: You’re going to have to wait for me. I love you.
Staci is pissed at his reply, so I take the phone and shove it into my pocket. She’s done enough damage already…he doesn’t need anything else to be angry about. But the more I think about it, the more I get furious that he’s acting this way. I take my phone back out and look at it.
Julie: I think you’re scared.
Oliver: I’m not scared. Busy.
Staci sighs. “Too busy to talk to you?”
Julie: I miss you. Can you come over?
Oliver: I miss you, too, sunshine. I can’t see you right now, I have someone here.
My heart sinks and Staci growls louder. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
I shake my head. “I guess that’s that, then.”
“Julie—”
I want to cry. “I guess he doesn’t care after all.”
“Well I care,” she snaps, snatching the envelope from my bag. She hands it to me and sits down next to me. “Let’s just open it without him. You want to know and he doesn’t. Don’t torture yourself anymore, Julie.”
She’s right. I know she’s right. “Okay.” I don’t waste any time ripping it open. I start reading the paper to her out loud, line after line until it’s all gone. I can’t read Staci’s expression like I’d hoped; she sits back on the sofa while I fold the paper up and put it back where it belongs. I can hear her heavy breathing and it calms me a little.
“Are you going to tell him?”
I shrug. “He doesn’t seem to care.”
Her eyes dart from me to the envelope. “Are you okay with what it says?”
I don’t know how to answer her. I don’t even know if I wanted any of it to be real.
“I think you should get some rest,” she says, standing up. “I have more errands to run anyway. I’ll check on you later, okay?” She puts a blanket over me. I cuddle into it and close my eyes, listening to her leave the pool house. I know she just wants to give me space to deal with everything, but the silence quickly suffocates me. I want to read the results again—alone—so I can really let it sink in. I look around for the envelope, but it’s not anywhere near me and I haven’t knocked it down on the floor.
My eyes get wide.
Staci took it.