Oliver
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
Am I dead?
I’m not fucking sure.
Are my eyes open?
I can’t see anything.
But…I can hear everything around me.
“Did you contact his wife?” I hear Dr. Johnson ask someone. I command my brain to tell my fingers to move…but nothing happens.
“Yes, but then Mr. Akers coded so I had to hang up with her. I told her who I was and where I was calling from, so I’m sure she’ll be here soon.”
“Make sure you follow up on that—he will need her here.”
This is it?
I think of all the shit I’ve been through in my life: my drug-addicted mother, my father dying when I was a teenager, my grandfather dying a few years later. Heather—the worst thing that ever happened to me—and Julie…the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Someone’s playing a sick joke on me, letting me find her and then ripping her away from me like this.
“Well, he’s stable enough for now, but she better get here soon. He might not make it through the night. The damage to his lung isn’t operable…at least not by anyone qualified enough here.”
Dammit fingers, move!
Julie will tell them to get someone to help me.
The voices are gone. I’m alone and I don’t fucking like it. I can feel the cold but nothing else; the air just feels so…sterile. This isn’t supposed to happen to me. I’m supposed to live a long and happy life and now that I have Julie…things were supposed to start getting even better.
The baby.
I’ll never know if there’s a baby now.
I want to thrash around in the bed; I want to cry and scream, but—
Am I even in a bed?
It feels like days since someone has been here with me; the voices were the only things letting me know for sure that I’m not dead. I wish I could’ve felt whatever they were doing to me when they spoke about it, putting tubes and needles in places every few minutes.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
I hear her voice again, the second familiar one.
“Now, we have him stable enough, but he isn’t responsive.”
I can feel her.
I can feel you, Julie!
I feel her rush to my side and whisper into my ear, “I thought you were dead.”
I’m not dead, I’m just not exactly alive.
Are you pregnant?
I love you.
Don’t forget me.
Nothing comes out.
I can’t even open my eyes to see her.
“What are his injuries?”
Wait. Who is that? Is that Casey?
My mind races and I start to get angry because they’ve come together.
What are they fucking doing together?
“And who are you?”
He clears his throat to answer, but Julie gets there first. “He’s with me.”
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
“Okay, I think you two better step outside.”
Not her! She stays!
“I’m not going anywhere. Casey, can you step out?”
My entire body blazes with fire. I want to fucking feel her touch. I swear that if I ever wake up, I will never take her for granted again. I’ll follow the fucking rules—I’ll be the perfect picture of a man she deserves.
“So, how bad is he?” Julie asks the second voice.
“Broken ribs, right leg is broken, but the biggest issues are the rips to his lungs and kidneys.”
“Is he going to be okay?”
Second voice doesn’t answer her.
Answer her, dammit!
“It’s too early to tell, but we can’t find anyone qualified enough to repair his lung. It takes a special surgeon—”
“Do it. Find them.” Julie’s voice is dark and strained.
I fucking love you, Julie.
You are everything I ever want in life.
“That could take some time,” second voice huffs.
Julie sighs and her voice gets angry. “You said yourself that he doesn’t have a lot of time. So maybe go find that surgeon and get him here instead of arguing with me? I will pay whatever it takes.”
“Miss, with all due respect—”
I hear the growl in Julie’s voice. “Now.”
I love you so, so fucking much right now.
The second voice leaves the room and I hear the door close behind her. Julie is inches from me and I scream inside my head just to wake up and see her.
“Can you hear me?” Her voice is now soft and scared. She cries but I can’t do anything to comfort her and it makes me angrier. “Oliver, can you hear me? If you can hear me, squeeze my hand, okay?”
I want to squeeze her damn hand so badly it kills me inside.
She sobs a little harder and I can’t do anything.
Oh, Julie.
My Julie.
“You have to wake up,” she says in between sobs. “You have to wake up so we can put all this bad stuff behind us and live our lives. I can’t even breathe without you—”
I want to smile.
The second voice returns. “Mrs. Jackson?”
It takes Julie a minute to remember who she said she was. “Yes?” I can feel her sunshine rush through my body and I welcome the warmth. “Is there something wrong?”
“No, we’ve found a doctor in Virginia that can repair his lung. He can fly out in a few hours and do surgery first thing in the morning.”
Julie’s breath quickens. “Will he make it through the night?”
“That’s the best we can do. Should I have him catch a flight?”
“Yes, get him here,” Julie demands. She doesn’t hesitate or ask how much money it will be. I love her more in this moment than I ever have before. She isn’t the quiet, docile Julie I met months ago anymore…she’s changed.
She’s my perfect match.
I can’t leave her now…I just can’t.
***
A movie plays in my head as I feel cold again.
I see my mother and Mac screwing on my parents’ bed, and Mac chasing me down the hall when I catch them. I see him beating the shit out of me—a scared little five-year-old boy.
“You’ve fucked things up for me for the last time, you little shit!” my mother screams.
The front door slams as they leave. I hear a car engine start and they peel out of the driveway before I even feel safe enough to pull myself out of the fetal position and creep to the window.
They are actually gone.
Not standing outside, smoking.
Gone.
I hold my sides and cry. I hurt all over from where Mac kicked me. The walk into the kitchen seems longer than it should; I reach for the telephone on the wall and look at it with sadness. At five years old, I’m fragile and small…and now alone.
I dial the number that Daddy had given me for emergencies.
A woman answers. “Hello?” Her voice is raspy and low.
I don’t know what to say. “I’m calling because my daddy said to.”
The woman chuckles. “Is this Oliver?”
“Yes, this is Oliver,” I say, but I have to sit down on the cold, brown-tiled kitchen floor because my sides hurt so bad that I can’t breathe. “I need help.”
“I’ll send help to you. What happened?”
I cry out in pain as the woman yells for me on the other end. “My sides hurt; the man that was here with my mommy kicked me.”
She gasps. “Are they still there?”
“No,” I say, and the world gets fuzzy around me. “I don’t feel very good.”
The world goes dark.
I think I must be dead.
I wake up to a middle-aged woman hovering over me. She sees my eyes open and kneels down to cradle me as if she brought me back to life herself. She makes a shushing sound and holds me close, patting my head. “It will be okay. There’s a doctor on his way and your dad is on his way home, okay?”
I look up at her; she comforts me. “When will he be here?”
“Soon—he’s on his way.” She brushes my hair back. “My name is Mrs. Atchley, and I’ll be taking care of you when your Dad’s away from now on…would that be okay?”
I don’t remember what I tell her before passing out again.
***
“Is he alive? What just happened?” Julie’s frantic voice comes into my mind. Now there are too many voices around me to tell who they are. Through the others, her voice fades away and I can’t even open my eyes to see her one last time. I’m so pissed that I want to kill every single voice in that room so I can hear hers. As they all shout around me, Julie’s warmth fades and the chill of death attacks me again.
“Get those chest paddles, he’s—”
“Ma’am, you need to leave the room!”
“What the hell is happening? Casey, don’t! I want to be here!”
“You gotta leave, Julie…”
“Get her out of here!”
“No, no! Don’t touch me, Casey!”
***
The sunlight hits my skin and I feel peace for the first time in a long time. I’m stupid enough to think that if I open my eyes, I won’t be dead.
I am so fucking dead.
“Hey kid, open your eyes.”
Dad?
“Hey, back up, son. I can’t throw you the ball when you’re five feet from me, can I?” His laugh makes all the air leave my lungs. As I stand in front of him, it’s like looking into a mirror. There’s no fucking way he isn’t my father. His dark, shaggy hair falls in his eyes as he looks down at me; I hold out my hands and I have kid-sized arms and hands.
“Oliver, go long!” He laughs again and starts slowly backing down the plush, green lawn of the house we moved to after my mother left. He moved us to a gated suburb outside of Rockford so she couldn’t find us. I know the real reason he stays so close: He will always love her.
I skip the opposite way from him and see someone’s reflection in the kitchen windows who’s trying to stay hidden. When I lock eyes with her…she vanishes.
My father says my name and I turn around, catching the ball. “Good job, Oliver!” He jumps and throws his hands into the air. “You did it!”
He’s proud of me.
I smile.
Who was that woman? I don’t remember seeing her before.
***
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
“Hey, are you still with me?” Julie says, and I feel nothing. I don’t know if she’s taken my hand into hers, if she’s kissed my cheek, or if she’s even close enough to touch me. I can’t feel anything except the annoying chill surrounding my body. “Is he stable now?”
The second voice returns. “For now.”
Julie sighs. “Can Casey come back in now?”
“Of course, shall I get him?”
“No, I’ll do it.” I hear her stand up. Her voice gets closer to my ear. “I’ll be right back; don’t you go anywhere.”
I beg my mind to let me reach out for her.
I was in perfect physical health until I broke the rules and love cracked my heart open, letting bad things inside. The monitors around me beep slowly, sometimes in sync like a song. The beeps are getting slower and slower with each minute that passes.
I’m dying a slow death.
***
“I have to go out of town next week; Mrs. Atchley is going to watch you.”
Dad.
I feel myself shake my head, shaggy dark hair in my eyes. “I’m almost fifteen—can’t I just watch myself?” I watch him seriously think about it for a few minutes. “I mean, come on, Dad. I know how to take care of myself. When are you going to start letting me?”
He shakes his head in exhaustion and rubs the bridge of his nose. “Ollie, please. You know I can’t let a fourteen-year-old run around without any adult supervision. You can stay home alone when you’re seventeen.”
“Seventeen?” I yell at him. “That’s so fucking unfair!”
“Oliver Frankford Jackson, language!”
I feel the anger filling my chest. “Fine. When is she coming?”
“Any time now.”
I throw my arms up in frustration. “Of course! Wait until the last minute to tell me like always!”
I remember this fight. This is the last time I would ever see my father alive.
I want to fucking wake up.
Right. Now.
“Okay, she’s pulling up. I have to go…please mind her, okay?” His eyes meet mine and they are serious. “Need I remind you the list of things not to do to Mrs. Atchley?”
A laugh escapes me. “No, I still have the list you made me on my desk.”
My father smiles, hiding his laughter as Mrs. Atchley comes in through the front door. She notices our exchanged smirks and frowns. “Oh Jesus, what did I walk into?”
“Okay, Ollie. I will see you in a week. Mrs. Atchley, thank you once again.” He kisses her cheek and she swats him away. I want to reach out to him and beg him not to go. If I only knew I would never see him again—I would’ve grabbed him and made him stay.
Mrs. Atchley closes the door behind him, the heavy rain dripping from her graying hair. Loud thunder kept me up that night…I remember I wasn’t able to sleep enough and fell asleep in study hall the next day.
I didn’t know my father was dead until the next morning.
And it was too late to say goodbye.
***
Rain.
The face of the man I hit first is seared into my brain. I tried to pump the brakes so hard that my foot got stuck beneath the pedal after the wreck. I think hard about what happened as I hear Julie’s faint breathing next to me.
Was the man alone?
I really fucking hope I didn’t kill him.
I didn’t see the truck push me into the intersection; I didn’t see him panic and try to flee the scene, either. The machines around me beep a little faster, but I think I’m the only one who notices.
The man’s face comes back into my mind.
The horror in his eyes haunts me.
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
The chill has returned.
“Do you want some coffee?” I hear the second woman say. “My shift ends in a few minutes and I can get you some.”
Julie sniffles close to me. “Coffee would be wonderful, thank you. It’s cold in here, right?” she asks someone.
I hear someone walk away from my other side. “Let me turn up the heat for you. Is that better?”
I hear Julie move closer to my ear. “Much better, thanks.”
No.
It’s still freezing fucking cold.
That’s my death you feel in the room, girls.