Oliver
These damn rules are supposed to be saving my life, yet I can’t keep myself from getting in my own fucking way.
Lucy follows me up to my apartment and touches my shoulders; I don’t fucking like it, and I pull away from her immediately. The only woman who should be touching me like that is Julie, not some random what’s-her-name that has no business being here. But I’m the one who decided to go to The Tavern after me and Julie’s fight, and I’m the one who decided to bring Lucy home with me even after Harley warned me not to go down this path.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Julie is going to kill me—how can I come back from this? I’d like to say that I hate myself for picking up random women in random places, but I never really thought twice about it before now. Whatever made me feel good in that moment, that’s what I did. That’s how I got in this damn mess, after all—when I picked up Julie for the first time on our way to the cabin.
Lucy’s silky, emerald-green dress brushes my skin, and it doesn’t leave an exotic burn like Julie’s touch always does. A hole forms in my mind that all of Julie’s memories get crammed into. My body is in two halves, and they’re fighting over what I’m going to do with Lucy.
Jesus, Oliver, you’re in trouble.
I break free from her and rummage around the kitchen for more booze. I’m going to need to be plastered to do this; not that it’s a valid excuse. When I find some tequila, I open the bottle and start drinking straight from it.
I really need to think about this…maybe Julie isn’t running from me again and everything will actually be okay for once.
“Whoa, there.” Lucy snickers. “Slow down a little. Life isn’t that horrible to drown your sorrows like that.”
Screw you, Lucy. You don’t know what my life’s like.
I was just like you once, Lucy: careless and slutty.
Then Julie crash landed into my lap.
Now, my insides are twisting and turning because I miss her so fucking much, but I’m here with Lucy…someone nowhere near what Julie is.
Before I realize it, I’ve damn near guzzled half of the bottle of tequila. The room spins so much that I collapse onto a kitchen bar stool and look at her. I don’t bother looking into her eyes—I don’t even care to remember what color they are. But I notice her.
Long, wild red hair.
Slender, pointy nose.
Thin, blood-red lips.
Easy. Ready. Willing.
“I’m in love with her,” I mumble and take another swig from the bottle. I don’t even feel the sting of the alcohol anymore. “I fucking love her, do you know that? And yet here I am—with you. What the hell is wrong with me, Lucy?”
Her gaze locks onto mine. “As far as I can see…nothing.”
I scoff. “She’s literally perfect in every single way. Every single fucking way, Lucy.”
It doesn’t even cross my mind that I’m being an asshole to her. Actually, it does cross my mind, but I really don’t fucking care. I shake my head, trying to get the fuzz out.
“I mean…what the hell is actually wrong with me? I have Julie—had Julie—and now she’s gone because I can’t quit fucking things up.”
At this point, I hardly remember Lucy is even in the room. I chug another mouthful of the nasty liquid and sniffle. The room grows intensely hot so I pull off my jacket, followed by my shirt, baring my chest. Nothing is clear inside my head anymore. Thoughts of Julie swirl in the space around me, but I swat the memories of her away. I want her to mean nothing to me. I can’t afford to think about her this much when it’s hurting me so damn bad.
And then there’s Lucy.
She’s waiting for me to get over my shit and sleep with her.
I take off my boots and socks and throw them to the side. I walk toward her and her face morphs into Julie’s. I can’t shake her; the sunshine she fills my head with pierces my body as I look at her. My fingers reach out to touch her honey hair without hesitation.
“Julie.” I nearly choke. I grip the hair at the back of her head and force her head to tilt up so our lips can meet, but something stops me. Lucy’s face comes back into view. Her eyes are wild with fire as I hold her tightly, and her body trembles as I keep her in the unknown. “I’m in love with Julie,” I say before releasing her.
“Then why are you here with me?”
I know I’m in trouble.
Serious fucking trouble.
Lucy’s lips reach mine and she kisses me in a flash. It feels so…wrong. Her tall body presses against me and I don’t even hold onto her. I regret how much tequila I forced into my body—now I’m barely able to stand up with a girl I shouldn’t even have brought home.
Julie is going to fucking hate me.
“You have to go.” I push her away. “Go home.”
She pouts. “I thought you wanted to have a good time?”
I feel like picking her up and throwing her out, but my phone rings, distracting me. I can hear the faint ringing somewhere inside my jacket, and as I search for it, my eyes well with tears. Julie would know exactly where I stashed my phone—she knows me.
I find the phone after the ringing stops. “Shit.” I see Julie’s name across the screen. I can’t talk to her when another woman is here; I have to get Lucy the hell out.
Harley was right; I’m going to mess everything up with just one stupid, meaningless night. I don’t even know what’s in Julie’s head…or my own, for that matter.
“You have to leave.” I shove the phone back into my jacket. I’m damn near naked; my jeans are even making me too hot. I don’t dare take them off in front of her, though—I’ve done enough damage to myself for one night. “I don’t want you here anymore.”
She doesn’t believe me. “You should relax. Maybe drink a little more?” She struts toward me on her long legs and I take a step backward. “Come on, Oliver, she left you. I’m right here. What’s the problem? She obviously wasn’t woman enough to handle someone like you. But lucky for you, I am more than enough.”
The more she speaks, the more pissed I get. She doesn’t even fucking know Julie—how dare she talk about her like that? It takes all I have left not to pick her ass up and drop her in the hallway so I can shut the door in her face full of smudged makeup. But that’s not the kind of guy I am—drunk or not. I can’t be the other type of guy, either: the guy who blames his infidelities and fuck-ups on being too drunk.
No. This is all me.
Oliver fucking Jackson: Grade-A asshole.
And deep down, I know insulting her isn’t going to make the pain go away.
She reaches me, and her fake fingernails lightly scratch down my chest. I am so fucking desperate to be touched that I don’t push her away this time. For a moment, I start to actually believe what she says. She may be a little right, though. Julie never thought she was good enough for me, and that put a strain on our relationship from the start. In reality, it’s always been me that isn’t good enough for her, and I’m starting to think that’ll never change.
There’s nothing I learn about Julie that isn’t fucking perfect.
Don’t give up on her, Oliver.
“Stop.” I hold her hands in between us. “I can’t do this.”
She slumps forward and I take in a deep breath as I hear her knees hit the hardwood floor with a deafening thump.
This is happening. This really is fucking happening.
I can’t make myself look down at her when I feel her fingers undo the button of my jeans. My dick isn’t getting hard—which I’m thankful for. This validates the fact that I’m not into her, but I still don’t make her stop quick enough for my own comfort.
The room spins out of control. I push her away and wobble to the sofa. I collapse and every ounce of energy I have left washes away. The amount of time I spend worrying about Julie is crazy, but she’s more than worth it.
Lucy groans and plops down next to me. “You’re obviously not into this.”
For the first time since we’ve gotten into the apartment, I smile. She relaxes her thin body into the sofa next to me and we don’t look at each other.
“I’m not a whore,” Lucy says. “I mean…I’m not someone who just sleeps around all the time, just so you know.”
I can’t help but laugh. “Before I met Julie, I wouldn’t have hesitated to sleep with you. It’s just really complicated now. I lo—”
“I heard you. You love Julie.”
The note of jealousy in her voice makes me uncomfortable. I still don’t bother looking over at her; there’s nothing for me there.
She isn’t Julie.
She will never be Julie.
No one will.
I miss her so fucking much. It hasn’t even been twenty-four hours and I can’t even function without her. What the fuck has happened to me?
I broke my own stupid fucking rules. These are the consequences.
“Can I ask you something?” Her voice breaks through my thoughts. “What is it about her that makes her mean so much to you? It doesn’t sound like you mean that much to her.”
I scoff. “You don’t even know her.”
“Humor me.”
Before I can answer her, a loud knock on the door vibrates the apartment walls. I panic; I hope to fucking god it isn’t Julie. My life would be over. The knock booms through the apartment again and I leap up from the sofa, ready to punch someone’s lights out. When I fling the door open, I nearly have a damn heart attack.
“Hey, boy,” his gruff voice greets me. “Remember me?”
Mac. My mother’s dealer. The man she disappeared with, leaving me behind.
My mouth doesn’t move. I can’t fucking believe this crackhead is standing in my doorway. His shiny bald head and sunken-in face make me relive memories I’d buried a long time ago. I wait for my mother to come around the corner and scream, “Boo!” but it’s just him.
I find my voice. “What the hell do you want?”
Mac laughs and I want to vomit. I really, really need Julie right now. His solemn gaze focuses on a spot past me, into the apartment. “You ain’t gonna invite me in, boy? I want to meet that little pretty blonde girl you’ve been following around.”
All I can see is red.
Blinding fucking red.
“You leave her the fuck alone, you piece of shit.” Even though I only have jeans on, my entire body flushes with heat and I realize that I’m still drunk. Mac isn’t that much taller than me—the endless drugs that my mother and he pushed into their bodies has made him age a lot quicker than a healthy person in their forties would.
When my mother left us, she’d let Mac beat the shit out of me and leave me for dead…Okay, that’s dramatic—I was able to crawl to the kitchen telephone and call for help. But I was only five, nowhere near mature enough to understand what was going on.
I just knew my mother didn’t love me like I wanted her to.
“You shouldn’t talk to me like that.” He laughs and Lucy approaches from behind, her eyes widening at the dirty man in the doorway. “You never know what’ll happen to you.”
Lucy cowers a little. I know she isn’t Julie, but I have to protect her from him just the same. I can feel her shaking next to me. My first instinct is to put my arm around her waist to let her know I won’t let him hurt her.
But she’s not Julie.
I brush my side against hers instead just to give her some sort of comfort; I’m still a little chivalrous no matter who the woman is.
“You better scram,” I bark. The alcohol is flooding my veins more now. “Before I kick your ass and make you leave.”
Mac snorts. “And who do we have here? Got yourself a new bitch, have you?”
I growl at him, but Lucy tugs on my belt loops, trying to keep me from killing him. I don’t want to put her in harm’s way, so I push her backward and start to shut the door in his face. His large boot stops the door from closing. “Nice place, kid.” He snarls and pushes the door open, stepping a few feet into the apartment. “Guess that’s what Grandpa’s money will do for you though. Livin’ the good life.”
I’m too drunk to fight him and win, and Lucy seems to know it.
“Do you want me to call the cops?” she squeaks.
My heart nearly stops completely when I see a second person step into the doorway and enter the apartment. She looks horrible—her skin is gray and cold. She has the same green eyes as me, but they’re lifeless and dull. Patches of her once-thick, chocolate-brown hair have fallen out and the dark bags underneath her eyes make her look dead.
“Hello, Ollie Bear.” She smiles. “It’s been a long time.”
“Look, I don’t know who you two are, but you need to leave.” Lucy crosses her arms over her chest. I silently applaud her for standing her ground, but she has no fucking clue what she’s up against. When people have nothing to lose, they do crazy shit. “I’m going to call the cops in two seconds if you don’t get out of here.”
Mac laughs again and my mother gives him a look to shut the hell up.
“Mother,” I choke. “What are you doing here?”
Her laugh is the same as I remember: scratchy and spine-tingling. I let Lucy clutch my arm as my mother takes a few more steps toward us. I position my body in front of Lucy’s, just in case. Just because she’s not Julie doesn’t mean I’m going to be responsible for someone hurting her. “I’m here to see you, son, why else?”
“You need to leave,” I growl. “I don’t want you here.”
She doesn’t look hurt—she looks annoyed. “Give me the money I’m entitled to, and I will.”
“What money?”
She cackles, and shivers run down my spine. “I know your grandfather left me money in his will; he told me so himself before he died. I want my money, Oliver, and I want it now.”
The floor feels like quicksand beneath my feet. I don’t have much left in me to listen to this shit now that the tequila has filled my veins and destroyed my ability to control myself. “The lawyers read the will. He left everything to me. You weren’t even mentioned in it, so I guess you were misinformed.”
“Then you better find a way to get me some money, boy.” Mac smirks. “Or your little girlfriend here will know what it’s like to lose someone.”
“Mac,” my mother scolds him. “We’re not here to threaten him. We’re here to talk.”
I don’t know what the fuck to do.
“You talked,” I spit. “I listened. I’m not giving you shit, and I don’t want to see your faces anywhere near me or anyone I know, got it?” My defensive stance and bold voice is enough for the two of them to back down and step back out of the apartment.
I shut the door and Lucy is still gripping my arm so tight it hurts. We both stand in silence before we can even make eye contact.
I shrug off her hand and walk back to the kitchen to rummage around in the fridge for more to drink. I can’t stuff anymore tequila in my body or I’ll explode, so I settle for the case of beer that sits on the bottom shelf. One after another, I drown out the bullshit that just happened.
“Do I still have to leave?” Lucy squeaks from across the room. “What if they wait for me downstairs or something?”
“You can stay; I’ll sleep out here.” My words slur, and she knows it’s time to leave me the fuck alone. “I don’t give a shit.”
All I can think about is my mother using Julie to get to me.
I have to keep Julie away from my mother.
I can’t let my mother find her.
I have to keep her safe.
Because if my mother finds her…
I black out before I can even finish that thought.