Lucy
I look at Casey, and his short, sandy blond hair is matted to his forehead with sweat from worrying about saying the wrong thing to me. It’s cute, the way he fusses over me and makes sure I’m comfortable and taken care of. Even though we just met, I can see myself with someone like him. Or maybe I just wish I could be with someone like him. If Casey ever found out that I went to a man’s apartment just to sleep with him knowing he had girlfriend…I’m almost positive that would be a turn-off for him.
He likes good girls.
I’m not a good girl anymore.
That part of me is long, long gone.
He’s a little skittish around women, but in a sweet way. He’s so nervous that I want to just hold his hand to calm him down, but that probably wouldn’t work. When we touch, even accidentally, his body tenses and he can’t move.
I had to teach myself how to be with men. I didn’t have much experience with boyfriends or relationships when I was younger. Heather was the one who got all the guys. They were only “friends” with me to get to her, and it worked like a charm every single time. She would be so impressed by how they would treat me that she would steal them from right underneath my nose before we could even hold hands. Our parents grew up as friends, so it was only natural that we would be friends—except that she treated me like mud on her feet when we were alone.
I just want someone to hold my hand and never let go.
“Hey, you’re quiet.” Casey smiles at me around a big bite of chocolate cake. I melt a little inside, but I don’t let it show on my face. We only met a few days ago and there’s no way I should be feeling something for someone I don’t even know. But, this isn’t like the Oliver situation…I was only interested in him out of boredom. This time, it’s for me.
Casey is for me.
I am a damsel in distress and he wants to save me.
I smile and my mind wanders to all the wonderful opportunities that I can daydream about. Far-fetched relationship milestones fill my brain when I hear him clear his throat and it knocks me back to our reality. “Are you okay? If you’re nervous—”
“I’m not nervous.” I laugh and wipe a small bit of chocolate cake from his lip. He smiles and welcomes my touch—the more time we spend together, the easier it is for him to just be himself. I don’t want him to be anything else.
He leans down and presses his lips to mine while still in mid-bite, but I don’t mind it. It’s cute and fresh and all the things I want wrapped up into one little peck on the lips. “You can run a background check on me if you want. I’m not a bad guy.”
Heartbreakers aren’t in an online database.
A wide smile spreads across my face. “No, it’s okay. I don’t feel danger from you.”
I thought this would make him happy to hear. Instead, he frowns as if I’ve offended him. “I guess I’m not the dangerous kind. Does that bother you? That I’m not a bad boy?”
I giggle, and I can’t stop myself. “No one says the phrase ‘bad boy’ anymore, do they? Casey, nice guys are underrated and unappreciated. I’ve always wanted to be with a guy who opens doors for me and courts me.”
He laughs. “Courts you? What, are we in the early nineteen hundreds?”
I know he’s joking, so I stick my tongue out at him playfully. “You know what I mean. I’ve never been on a real date before. No one has ever taken the time to figure out what to do with me other than stick me on their arm and forget about me.”
“Well, let’s forget about our pasts and just focus on the future. Now let’s finish this god-awful chick movie and watch some robots fighting or something.”
I finish my cake and take our dishes to the kitchen, hoping he’ll follow me. I’m not sure Casey has that intuition—the kind where you can read women so well that you keep doing things they secretly want and like without any effort. I’m sure it’s a learned trait at best, so I don’t dwell on the fact that he’s still waiting for me to come back to him on the sofa.
He hands me a newly topped-off glass of wine and smiles as I snuggle back into the nook of his arm to watch the rest of the movie I wasn’t even paying attention to in the first place. It’s nice to be calm and happy with someone, no matter who it is.
The movie ends and we notice that the night sky is even darker now through the sliding glass doors that lead to his balcony outside. The crooked smile on his face warns me that he’s got something up his sleeve, but I don’t say anything as he pulls on socks and boots and disappears into his bedroom. When he emerges, he’s carrying two sweatshirts and two more smaller blankets. “Put your shoes on, we’re going outside,” he demands, winking at me. There’s nothing I can do but what he wants; I’m curious to see what he’s planning.
I let him lead me outside and close the door behind us. The crisp October night air attacks my body and I shiver. He folds the blanket around me and tightens me into it, looking down at me for confirmation that I’m not freezing anymore.
“What are we doing out here?” My teeth chatter and I watch him pull a small bench away from the wall.
“We’re going to do some stargazing. Have you ever taken the time out and just looked at them? It’s remarkable; sometimes you can see things you wouldn’t normally see.”
I watch the child-like excitement in his eyes; he’s really serious.
“Like what?” I join him on the bench and let him put his arm around me. “Like aliens or UFOs or something?”
His laugh is hearty and it’s one I’ve never heard from him before. It’s almost like he’s loosening up to feel something other than the pain he inflicts on himself by overthinking and trying to be someone he’s not. “No, nothing like that. I don’t think so, anyways.” He laughs again and tightens his grip. “I come out here to think sometimes. It’s nice to just be out here with nothing but the air and the night sky.”
I want to kiss him, but my lips are a little too frozen for it to be pleasurable. This man—a man that picked me up from the side of a sketchy road wearing a too-short dress—is opening up to me, and it just feels so…real.
“And you’re sharing this with me? I don’t know what to say.”
His blanket unfolds from around his body and he tucks me inside with one swoop of his large arm. Casey just wants someone to feel his pain—someone who understands what it’s like to want something so bad but it’s always out of reach. I can be that person for him if he really lets me try. I moved to Rockford to be close to Heather and feed off her infectious personality to try and get what I want out of life.
The problem is…I’m not even sure what I want anymore.
“There!” His voice electrifies me as he points to the sky. I immediately look at that section of the inky canvas above us and see it.
A shooting star.
“That means good luck is coming to us, right?” He smiles. “That something good is coming our way. I really hope that’s true.”
I can’t take it anymore. I have to know something—anything—about him.
“Casey, can we talk?” My voice is almost a whisper because I’m not quite sure I want to open a conversation that can lead to him slamming the door in my face.
“Uh-oh, that doesn’t sound good.”
I make a point to lean up and kiss his lips before smearing a comforting smile on my face. “No, nothing bad. I just want to know more about you. You seem…reserved about something and I was just wondering—”
He sucks in air through his teeth, like pain is shooting through his chest. “There’s nothing about me that you need to worry about. I’m just a guy who’s looking for good things to happen to him, and you—” he tries to push the handsomest smile he can muster onto his face, “—just might be one of them.”
My heart flutters and I have to clutch my chest for it to stop. “I’ve done some things in life that I’m not proud of, Casey.”
“We all have, Lucy. I’ve been in love with people that I shouldn’t be.”
That doesn’t sit with me well, maybe because I’m starting to like him. It’s weird, being so close to someone you don’t even know. He’s a sad person but he tries to hide it so well that he loses himself in the process.
“Hey, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to upset you.” His voice drowns me in sadness. “I’m just really tired of messing things up for myself. I want a normal relationship where I’m not constantly worrying about losing it.”
I nod my head because I know exactly what he means. “I want that too.” The tone of my voice surprises me. “So maybe we can get to know each other better before we go any further in finding what we both want.”
“Okay, what do you want to know?”
I push myself out of his warm cocoon and he gets up, disappears into the apartment for a few minutes, and comes back with a new wine bottle and our glasses. He hands me my newly filled glass and bends down to light a fire in the pit a few feet from us. I like that he automatically puts his arm around me when he sits back down, and he makes sure that I’m comfortable before getting himself into a good position. “Okay, now I’m ready.” He snorts and tips the red liquid to his lips. “Now, what is a good topic to start with?”
“We can start with…how did you end up in Rockford?” I say, hinting that I want to talk about how I actually ended up here. I vow to leave Heather out of it and sugarcoat some things, but for the most part I’m planning on being honest.
Unless he’s not honest with me. But I have no way of knowing either way.
“I grew up here.” He stretches his long legs out in front of us. “Born and raised. What about you? I know you didn’t grow up here…I would remember someone like you.”
I blush. “Someone like me? What does that mean?”
He laughs and it’s like silk ribbons floating in the air. “I didn’t mean any disrespect. I only meant I would remember someone as beautiful as you are.”
I wasn’t always this beautiful.
“I grew up in the south,” I say and shake my head. I know I’m being vague, but I just don’t like people knowing things about my past self that will embarrass me. “I lived with my parents. I have two brothers and a pretty normal life.”
“Vague.” He scratches his chin. “Where in the south?”
I get nervous and he pulls his bottom lip in with his teeth. “I-I lived in a lot of places…we moved around a lot until we settled in a small town about thirty miles outside of Atlanta.”
“Were your parents in the military?”
I start to sweat and swallow the lump that’s gathering in my throat. “No, they’re real estate agents. We just moved around a lot, nothing special.”
He accepts that I don’t want to talk about my family…and he seems okay with not talking about his too. The truth is inside of the lie; I did live with my parents and we were a normal family…right down to my very much older twin brothers, Max and Tyler. We lived a normal, boring life and at the time, I was okay with it. I didn’t know of life outside of the lower-class outskirts of Atlanta. I lived the life my parents wanted me to live; I focused on school and more important things than parties and boys. I got good grades and I got my real estate license to make my parents proud while my brothers towered over me in everything else.
Max is a pediatrician who graduated medical school with no debt and top of his class.
Tyler is a lawyer, got loads of sports scholarships, and graduated from law school with no debt and money in the bank.
I’m the hopeless younger sister that they don’t expect much from. I didn’t get a scholarship or any free money for school; I worked at a fast-food restaurant and took night classes.
I feel Casey’s hand in mine and my body warms up from my fingertips touching his. He can feel my sadness, I’m sure. “Maybe we should focus more on the now instead of our pasts, yeah?” His deep chestnut eyes play with mine as he bends over to kiss the tip of my nose. “There’s nothing more important to me than honesty, and once I can’t trust that you’re giving me honesty anymore…that’s it. So just keep that in mind.”
A small noise escapes my throat. “It goes both ways, you know. Maybe we should set some rules between us…judging that we both are in desperate need of something that we’ve been looking for.”
He nods. “Okay, what are the rules?”
I shrug my shoulders. “I don’t know, we can make them up as we go. Like…okay, our first rule can be something like—”
“Wait.” He holds up his hands. “My best friend lives life by a set of rules and it’s not working out too well for him. Maybe we should skip that.”
I laugh and shake my head. “We’re a mess.”
His arm tightens around me and he makes a grunting noise. “You can say that again. Look, I don’t know how to be with someone…like at all. I always ruin it, so look forward to that.”
“Casey…” My voice trails off because I don’t know what to tell him. I’m a mess just like he is. We both deserve better, but we don’t know how to get better. It’s even crazy to me that I’m sitting here with a man I hardly know, talking about intimate things that should be avoided on a first date altogether. “I think maybe we should just not try so hard.”
He frowns. “That sounds promising, not trying so hard. I’ve always exhausted myself trying to get what I want, but you’re saying we should let it be and come to us when it wants to?” The smile that spreads across his face is intoxicating. He’s handsome, like really handsome, and that unsettles me. I’m no good around handsome men; I say and do the wrong things, but this time it’s different. This time it feels…safe.
“I’m going to say or do something to make you run,” he warns.
I sigh. “Likewise. Let’s just promise to hold on for dear life.”
He chuckles and unwraps himself from the blanket, pulling me up next to him and swooping down to pick me up in his thick arms. “Hold on, then.” He laughs and we go back into the warmth of the apartment.
Casey is deep and has real feelings.
I don’t want to hurt them, but I don’t want him to know how painfully plain I was before I moved here.
I don’t want him to know anything about me.
That is all shades of messed up.