I DROPPED MY knife and fork onto my empty plate and set it on the floor beside me. Nate and I had chosen to eat Thai takeout in the media room watching a baseball game. I had no idea of the rules, but Nate had kept me thoroughly entertained. He was so animated, calling out encouragement to the players and cursing the decisions made by the referee.
I stroked his hair as he lounged on the floor, leaning back against the sofa. I was wearing one of the sets purchased earlier, a silver-grey silk chemise and matching robe. Nate wore casual black lounge pants and t-shirt. Of course, he looked casually handsome as always.
“This is nice, baby.” He took a swig of beer from his bottle and twisted, resting his arm on my curled up legs. “You and I relaxing, no expectations or false pretences. It’s better than I imagined.”
I smiled. “You say it like it’s a novelty.”
He shrugged. “It is.”
“I doubt you spent many Saturday nights alone.” I trailed my fingers along his arm. Nate didn’t reply, but his body tensed. He reached for the remote and switched off the giant TV. “You can admit it,” I said when he’d settled back again. “You’re a good-looking man, Nate. I know I wasn’t your first.”
“I’ve told you already. There’s nothing else to say.”
“Why are you being so secretive? We all have pasts,” I offered quietly, setting my glasses on the square end table beside me. “I guarantee yours is nowhere near as screwed up as mine.”
“Christ, Kara! It’s not fucking important.” Nate shoved to his feet and headed to the kitchen, taking our plates with him. I gathered our drinks and rushed after him. I wasn’t sure what just happened, but I was determined to find out.
When I joined him, he was leaning against the sink staring at the wall, his features twisted in annoyance. “It’s important to me,” I encouraged, setting his empty bottle on the counter beside him. I pressed a hand to his shoulder. “I want to know all about you like you do me.”
“Yeah,” he scoffed, shrugging me off, “except you won’t let me in either.” The ferocity of him tossing the plates into the sink with a crash panicked me. My ears began to ring with the sound of my heart thudding in my chest. Nate glanced sideways, his face set. “You’re keeping secrets, too.”
I winced at the harsh truth of his words. What right did I have, asking him to open up when I couldn’t do it myself?
“Kara.” His fingertips drifted over my cheekbone. I jumped, taken aback by the veneration in his touch and the gentleness of his voice. “I don’t want to argue, to spoil an idyllic couple of days.”
I hated seeing him like this, so lost and bewildered, out of control. It went against so much of what I treasured about him. Yet it gave me comfort to know he wasn’t just an ideal high on a pedestal, completely out of reach. Nate was human, and he was here, with me.
I stepped closer and rubbed his arm. His eyes were mesmerising, the pupils almost fully dilated. My breath caught when I saw the depth of his feelings swimming in them as he stared back at me. The tiny tick of his jaw pulsed as he gritted his teeth. “I’m trying to do right by you. Trying my utmost to shelter you.”
My body tensed. “From what?”
Nate caressed my face, seeking and finding strength the way I did from him. His eyes were fretful and undecided. God, what had happened to make him behave so out of character?
I wrapped my arms around him and pressed my cheek to his chest. His heart pounded frantically. His shower gel still lingered on me, and mine on his skin. The two scents, woody and almond merged together, giving me an inevitable sense of calm and assurance. “What happened in New York?” I asked, quiet and wary.
The fortitude I got from his arms as they enveloped me lasted a few shorts seconds until he reluctantly admitted, “I met an old girlfriend.”
I shoved away. “You cheated on me?” I couldn’t believe it was happening again. All the lies and deceit polluting my life, infesting my mind and poisoning my heart.
“Jesus no!” He urged me back into his embrace, his grip so tight I couldn’t move. “I’d never hurt you like that. Forget it. I don’t want you going crazy over someone that isn’t worth the effort.”
“I decide what is or isn’t worth it. Not you!” I pressed my forearms to his chest, battling to resist him. My fighting only made him hold harder until I could barely breathe. I gave up. “You don’t have the right to say what’s best for me,” I muttered in defeat.
“The hell I don’t,” he snapped. “My job is to take care of you. Cherish you and keep you safe.” He relaxed his grip but still held me in his arms. “I’ll do whatever it takes to make that possible.”
Tears welled in my eyes. One escaped when I blinked, and rolled over my cheek.
Nate swiped it away with his thumb. “Don’t.” He pressed his lips to mine in the sweetest, most impassioned embrace. I always got the truth in his kiss. The fact he could convey such strong emotions that way blew my mind.
“I’ll talk,” he finally murmured into my hair. He moved away and leant back on the counter, his head bowed, fingers tapping restlessly on the lip of the quartz surface as he composed himself. “A couple years ago, I got screwed over. Completely humiliated. Everyone important to me, some business associates too, they all knew about it. She almost ruined my business.” I watched him scrub over his face with both hands as he relived his shame. “I thought I knew Ash, believed I could trust her, but she…” He shook his head, his voice muffled by his hands. “I didn’t see it coming because I let my own guilt cloud my judgement.”
I frowned. “Guilt over what?”
Avoiding eye contact, Nate went over to the wall of windows. Both hands came up for support as he leant into them and dropped his head. He cut a lonely figure standing there in the shadows, burdened with the jagged edge of painful memories. “I’m the reason for her twisted behaviour all those years ago.”
His shoulders lifted with a small, resigned shrug. “After that, I decided all women were the same, they all had ulterior motives. I built an emotional wall so fucking big no-one could get in, then I used them before they used me.”
“Not anymore though, right?” The idea we were over, that he’d used me, or worse, been unfaithful because it was ingrained deep in his core that emotionless sex was all he was capable of made me nauseous.
Nate glanced back over his shoulder. “Not anymore,” he assured gently, shaking his head. “I could’ve used drink or drugs—which would’ve been quite ironic—to make me forget. Instead, I chose the worst vice of all—women.”
I stroked my throat, trying to push the bile back down. Nate wasn’t a saint, I knew that, but the unanswered question over precisely how many women he’d slept with crept into my mind again. I could count my sexual partners on one hand. The way Nate was talking made me think he’d need both hands and feet and still wouldn’t have enough digits.
“Hey,” he murmured, approaching cautiously. “It isn’t as sordid as it sounds. A select few women who shared a mutual need for pleasure without commitment, that’s all.” He circled me and went to the refrigerator. When he offered me a bottle of water, I shook my head, waiting uneasily for him to continue.
“My whole outlook shifted the second I met you.” He unscrewed the lid and took a swig. “I wanted more than that emotional distance from you. When we made love the first time in your bed, the way you looked at me…” He shook his head slowly. “You scaled that wall, then you took a sledgehammer to it and sent the whole fucking thing crashing down in one go.”
The surge of love I had for Nate was so strong I was light-headed. His finger stroked my jaw affectionately. He looked exactly how I felt. Clueless to how this had all happened between us, but so very grateful it had.
“I’m obsessed with you,” he went on. “Everywhere I look, I see you. Everything I do, I think of you. You’re constantly on my mind no matter where I am. But you can’t, or won’t let me in, and I’m going crazy trying to figure you out.” His hand fell from my face. “If you keep cutting me off emotionally, pushing me away, it’s gonna break us. And I can’t let that happen. I’m in too deep.”
Stunned by his impassioned honesty, I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around his neck. I had to give something back. “I haven’t been on a single date in over a year,” I started quietly. “You’re the only man I’ve considered having a relationship with in that time, and I’m scared shitless by the speed and intensity it’s all happening with. I lack confidence, have serious self-esteem issues, and a massive hang-up on trust.” I took a deep breath. I was trembling like a leaf.
Nate stared at me with wide, compassionate eyes. “You’re the complete opposite of me,” I continued shakily. “Your self-assurance and contentment are two of the most attractive qualities about you. Being pursued by you, and the almost arrogant way you did it, was and still is, a massive turn-on. So, for someone normally so open with me, when you refuse to talk, it makes me suspicious.”
His brows drew in momentarily, then, “She wants me back and—”
“What?” I shoved him so hard he lost his footing and fell back against the counter. “Why on earth would you assume I didn’t need to know this?”
“You don’t.” Nate lunged for me but I was faster this time. I dodged his hand and darted to the other side of the kitchen island. Everything I’d fought against had come to fruition. I was in love and I was going to get hurt.
“Nothing happened,” he said sternly, his hands visibly shaking as they raked through his hair. “I don’t want her.”
“Explain why you’re so shaken if the meeting was innocent. I’m trying desperately not to jump to conclusions, but you’re making it difficult not to by refusing to tell me the whole story.”
Nate clasped his nape with both hands. “It brought back memories. Memories I’ve tried forgetting. I recalled how gullible I was, how trusting I’d been, how guilty I still…” The words trapped in his throat as his voice trailed off.
My heart ached for the shattered soul standing in front of me. The harrowing recollection of my own trust issues flooded back. Hearing he’d been screwed over perversely gave me hope he wouldn’t do the same to me. He’d suffered, too. He knew how bad it was to have the one person you’d given your heart to, break it into a thousand pieces and not care.
I had to respect him not wanting to go into details. God knows I hated to. I was left depressed for days if I dredged all that crap up and dwelled on the what ifs. There was no chance of running into ex-boyfriends when I lived in a different country. Nate wasn’t as lucky. He had a past, one I had to accept if we were going to move forward from this.
“Talk to me!” Nate’s yell snapped me out of my thoughts. “Tell me what you’re thinking!” He slammed the bottle down on the counter.
“This isn’t about me!” I cried, astounded he’d deflected it back on me. “I wanted you to talk.”
“You don’t get it, do you?” he seethed, ridding his hand of spilt water and cursing at the spillage on the counter. “You have no idea.”
“No, I don’t!” The thud of my heart grew louder in my ears.
His eyes were large as they fixed on me. “Kara, I’m—” He didn’t finish. Just shook his head and sighed as he picked up the bottle. “I don’t deserve you,” he murmured soberly. “I’m going to work in my office. I need to clear my head.”
“That’s it?” I bit out. “You’re going to walk away after that self-depreciating comment?”
He studied me. A shield had formed across his face, his eyes cool and lifeless, concealing all emotion. “Go to bed. I’ll join you later.”
A chill chased down my spine. He’d given up. He brushed past me, heading to the doorway.
“How about I go home instead?” I said to his retreating back.
Nate stilled. But he didn’t look back. “You’re already there,” he said softly. Then, without another word, he disappeared.
I stood for a minute, dazed and confused. He was pushing me away in one breath, then complaining I won’t let him close in another. What was that about?
I trudged upstairs to pack my clothes. All hope had gone as I filled the overnight bag. I left the dress Nate had gifted me. Tomorrow, he could face his parents alone and explain why I wasn’t with him.
Only when I reached the bathroom and saw all my toiletries did I understand walking away wasn’t the answer. This broken man cared about me and had gone out of his way to make me comfortable so I would open up to him.
It was nearing midnight by the time I’d unpacked, and Nate hadn’t made an appearance. I collapsed into bed, mentally and physically exhausted. Laying on my side, I stared numbly out the windows. The only sound was the climate-controlled air conditioning whirring quietly in the background.
I’d never been so alone and a million miles from home. This was our first fight, and I hated going to bed with unresolved tension between us. Hot, irritable and restless, I yanked the chemise over my head and tossed it to the ottoman bench.
Since Nate’s return from New York, we’d taken two steps forward then moved three back. He didn’t strike me as the moody type, too even-tempered and calm to get riled easily.
Unless it was me. It seemed I could provoke a reaction without even trying.
Deciding I wouldn’t sleep until we’d made up, I shrugged on the chemise again and padded downstairs to his office. Nate sat at his desk, illuminated by the angled desk lamp to his right and the glow from the computer on his left. He glanced up briefly, his troubled eyes scanning me as I stood in the doorway. “I’m still here,” I said quietly, nervously twisting the lacy hem between my fingers.
“So it would seem,” he said soberly. He took his focus from the papers clenched in his hand when I moved closer. I wished I could banish the grief tarnishing his captivating face. He watched me warily as I rounded his desk and spun his chair to face me.
I stepped between his parted legs and cupped his face. “I’m sorry for pushing you.”
Nate’s eyes filled with warmth. His gentle hands were like an electric shock to my flesh when they curved my bare thighs. “I’m the one who should apologise,” he murmured, pressing his cheek to my belly. “I’m taking my grievances out on the wrong person.”
“It doesn’t matter.” I cradled his head, playing with the hair around his ear.
“It does matter.” He shoved to his feet and stroked my upper arms with gentle, reassuring hands. “Being apart affected me more than I thought possible. I knew I’d miss you, but exactly how much completely floored me. I’m struggling to adjust to all this.”
“We both have issues, Nate. Let’s resolve them together.”
His brow knitted. “When the time is right I’ll explain everything. Promise you won’t draw your own conclusions without hearing me out first?”
“Okay,” I whispered hesitantly. It was a big ask, but not unreasonable. The way I saw it, it was another step closer to learning to trust again. It wouldn’t be easy, but I was willing to try.
“Let’s go to bed.” Nate smiled softly and twirled my hair in his fingers. “Think we could both do with the rest.”
As we climbed the stairs together, I put all crazy assumptions, wild guesses and wrongdoings to the back of my mind, making a conscious decision to live in the present and not the past.
THREE hours later, I woke weighted with uncertainties. Nate was sound asleep beside me with an arm draped possessively across my chest, his back gently rising and falling with each steady breath.
What was so tragic he still carried the burden of guilt with him to this day? It must’ve been bad to make his ex-girlfriend seek revenge years later. And now she was back, under what circumstances I wasn’t sure. I had to decide how much I was prepared to fight for Nate, but without knowing the full story, it was difficult to plan my approach. Would I be strong enough to win? Was I enough?
Fed up with asking questions I couldn’t answer, I shifted onto my side and faced the window. Nate stirred, his arm moving to my waist as he curled into my back. My body stirred to the nearness of his naked flesh. We hadn’t made love when we came to bed. All I needed then was to feel his arms around me, hold him in mine, and enjoy the tender kisses that reaffirmed we were both where we should be. Now, I was drawn to him, craving his touch in other ways.
Nate fidgeted again. I carefully peeled him off me and crawled out of bed. He needed to sleep, get some perspective on events of the past week, not have me disturbing him because I was horny.
Dressed in his t-shirt, I took my phone and wandered downstairs. After getting some water from the kitchen, I stretched out on the comfortable sofa in the lounge. Half an hour of yoga meditation later, and I’d barely touched the surface of my agitation. I meandered around the condo, stumbling upon undiscovered rooms of the sprawling penthouse.
I ended up in Nate’s office. The angled desk lamp was the only light in the room. Without disturbing the papers littering his desk, I sat in the leather swivel chair and rolled it in. Something I hadn’t noticed earlier now seemed glaringly obvious.
Directly in front of me, impossible to ignore, was a framed black and white photograph. I lifted it with trembling hands and brought it closer. With an elongated stretch of my body, head tipped back so my wavy beach hair touched the towel beneath me, my eyes were shut and lips parted. It looked photoshopped, but it wasn’t. It was all natural—and it was all me.
God. He’d said he wanted me with him when he took the intimate, candid picture last weekend. Here I was, in an image practically sizzling from the frame. It was incredibly sexy, a woman captured in a moment unawares by the photographer. It was like seeing myself through Nate’s eyes. He saw this, not a girl filled with inadequacies and imperfections.
Tears filled my tired eyes. I didn’t know if they were happy or sad ones. Now, more than ever, I wanted comforting, needed some security to bring me peace—necessities Nate satisfied when he wrapped his arms around me. Without them, I settled for a familiar voice.
“Is everything all right?” My father’s concern brought a welcome smile to my face. “It’s the middle of the night isn’t it? What’s wrong, darling?”
“It’s nothing. I just can’t sleep.”
“You sound a little low…?” I remembered why I never called my father when I was on one of my downers. He could detect my depression from five thousand miles away.
“Heard from Liam lately?” I asked, steering him away from further delving. I sat back, hugging my knees, and listened whilst he told me about my brother’s travels.
“I haven’t spoken to him in a while,” I mumbled. “I’ll try and catch him this week.” I traced around the intricately carved wooden frame holding the image I couldn’t stop examining as it nestled in my lap.
“Kara?” he said cautiously. “Have you met someone?”
My eyes darted to the gap at the door, thinking of Nate not too far away. How could he tell? I took a deep breath and confessed, “Yes.”
“Why didn’t you say? You can tell me anything, you know that.” His admonishment was mild, his words encouraging.
“I don’t know.” I sighed. I hadn’t told him because I didn’t want him worrying about me getting hurt all over again. I could manage that perfectly well on my own. “Dad, I really like him.”
“And he undoubtedly is utterly taken by you,” he stated with parental certainty. “Is he treating you well?” I knew by this point, he’d made himself comfortable in the Chesterfield armchair positioned next to the phone in the lounge, hoping for a long chat.
“Like I’m someone really special.”
“Because you are, darling. Is he handsome? Your mother repeatedly told me my suave good looks were her downfall.” His fake immodesty made me laugh.
“Unbelievably so. His heart is pure gold.” My stomach fluttered merely talking about Nate. I was drawn back to the photo. “He makes me feel alive, gives me strength…I feel like I’m finally content with who I am, and it’s because of Nate.”
“You sound like you’re in love,” he offered cautiously.
“It’s too soon for that. Listen, I’m going to try and sleep.” I faked a yawn and rolled my shoulders, guilty over not being entirely truthful. I didn’t know what to say, how to explain. How could I make him understand when I didn’t myself?
We said goodbye, and I was pleased he let me go without more questions or probing. I put the photo back on the desk and inadvertently knocked the remote mouse, waking the computer…
Another image of me at the beach filled the screen. I was laughing and my hand was reaching for the camera. I sat for a few minutes and straightened my thoughts, massaging my temples and combing my fingers through my hair, trying to ease my mind. I really needed some sleep before meeting Nate’s parents for lunch.
I left the office and slammed into Nate. “Shit!” I yelped. “You scared the life out of me!”
Large, warm hands came to my shoulders to steady me. “It’s after four in the morning.” The gravelly, just-woken-up sound of his voice stirred something low in my belly. “Why are you up?”
His hair was messy, the way I liked it, his eyes heavy with sleep. I couldn’t stop my arms from going around his neck. “I couldn’t sleep. I came downstairs so I didn’t disturb you.”
His brow drew in. He glanced over my shoulder to the room I’d vacated, then back to me, but he didn’t question what I’d been doing in there. “What’s on your mind?”
I don’t know how it happened, but he had me up against the wall and was pressing his weight into me. His face was temptingly close to mine, the sliver of light from the open office door beside me glinting in his eyes.
“Stuff.” I shrugged.
Nate drew his head back an inch so I could see his raised brow. “Stuff,” he repeated, testing the word.
“Meeting your parents…you,” I admitted, blinking away from his penetrating gaze.
Nate stiffened. “Me?” Then his head dipped in realisation. “Ah, because I fucked up again.”
I didn’t want him feeling like he was constantly screwing up because he wasn’t, but he had to understand I required total honesty. My silence was met with a resigned sigh. Both his hands curled around my head, holding me against his shoulder.
“I watched you sleep for hours.” His lips brushed my temple. “I can’t have been asleep long before you woke.”
Contentment filled me from learning he’d taken consolation in me in such an intimate way. Feeling brave, I stupidly asked, “Want to talk?”
Doubt flickered in his eyes. Nate stared at me for a long minute. I felt like he was sussing me out, deciding if I was ready for his confession. “No,” he said with blunt finality. My gut twisted, eyes widening at his outright refusal to talk. “Not while you’re still worked up.”
He massaged my tense shoulders, his able fingers exerting the ideal amount of pressure to both relax and entice. I decided to let it go. Arguing with such a headstrong man was too draining, too exhausting.
“C’mon.” Nate seized my hand and led me towards the stairs. “Fuck stress. Let’s work it off together in bed.” The salacious smile gracing his full lips when he glanced over his shoulder suggested I wouldn’t be getting the sleep I promised my father anytime soon.