NATE WAS TOO enraptured with his other girlfriend to notice Mai and I approach their table. I tapped him on the shoulder.
“Kara!” He pushed to his feet, the most beautiful smile lighting up his face, and pulled me into his arms. “You came.”
I stiffened and jerked back when he tried to kiss me. Holding me at arm’s length, he gave me the once over with confused eyes. I wondered whether he knew I was falling apart when his glorious eyes flinched and a line began to form on his brow.
“Been here a while, actually,” Mai warned. I was too enraged to speak.
Nate blinked slowly, from me to Mai and back again, sensing something was off.
The music was louder outside, with lights bouncing off the pool surface in time to the pulsing dance beat. His male friends were baying behind him, heckling him for an introduction. “You look stunning,” he breathed, unable to stop his eyes from raking me in their usual way.
Pain lanced through me, threatening to weaken my resolve, until one of the blondes asked, “Who the hell’s this?” sneering contemptibly down her probably plastic nose. Catty bitch.
Deciding I could be one too, I draped an arm around Nate’s shoulder, marking my territory, and eyed her with loathing. Yasmina sat, smiling sweetly at us, saying nothing. Spotting a full tumbler on the table, I briefly considered throwing it over her but concluded it would be a waste of alcohol. Instead, I swallowed it in one, scrunching my face in distaste when the amber liquid hit the back of my throat and scorched its way down.
“Take it easy!” Nate snatched the glass from my hand, muttering apologies to his startled friend as he placed it on the table.
“Fuck you.”
His expression was thunderous when he faced me. “What the hell’s wrong with you?” he seethed, his voice low so no-one else heard.
The bitterness made me gulp back the knot of terror in my throat. “We should talk.”
I headed back to the stairs with Nate hot on my heels. When there was enough distance between us and his friends, I stopped and faced him.
“You’ve proven your point. You’re pissed off.” Nate’s words were clipped, his eyes fierce. “Tell me why.”
I gazed despondently at the man who knew me so well, who always got me, and wondered how he could have misread the situation so badly. He genuinely had no idea what had upset me. I could see it in the deep pools of his eyes.
“Kiss me like you mean it,” I dared, brushing my lips against his.
He pulled back slightly, his brow drawn in. “You want an audience to watch us fuck with our mouths?”
My free hand curled at his nape, urging him closer so I could trace my tongue along his bottom lip before sliding it into his hot mouth. All my grief and anger poured out as our mouths clashed and teeth bumped with fervour. I wanted the touch of his mouth engrained in my memory, our last kiss breaking me as I said goodbye. I yanked his hair, knowing how much he enjoyed it but wanting it to hurt, not turn him on.
It was frenzied, desperate and hungry, but Nate still managed to be tender, a skill I would forever admire. One hand cupped my face, the other gripping my waist, as he held me to him, cherishing me the same way I thought he did when he was buried deep inside me.
I yanked away, steadying my breath, and from somewhere fixed a smile on my face.
“That meaningful enough?” Nate asked roughly, still holding me firm, eyes big and dreamy as he caught his breath.
I nodded. “I’ve meant every one, too.” And I had. I might not have verbalised my feelings, but he’d got it from my kiss. Right from the first time our lips touched, sealing our fate, the strength of emotion that passed between us had been there. Deep. Profound. Unquestionable.
“Now,” I whispered into his ear, my voice vibrating with rage and unshed tears, “I’m leaving. Enjoy the rest of your evening.”
“You’re what?” Nate gripped my wrist and stopped me walking away.
“Get off me!” I hissed. The flick of my wrist was so quick I managed to free my arm and flee. I dodged people hanging by the pool, desperate to make my escape and not cause a scene.
“Kara!” He caught me. This time his grip was firm and unrelenting.
“Let go!” I tried throwing him off.
“Explain yourself,” he snapped. His eyes were wild, his chest heaving as he stared at me with icy coolness.
“Explain my self?” Blood pumped through me, the sound of my heart drowning out the music. The effects of alcohol had burnt off, now I was buzzing with adrenaline. “I saw you.”
“Saw me what?”
“I’ve seen pictures of the two of you. I know who she is, Nate.” My fingers curled around my clutch.
“Is that so?” he sneered.
“You kissed her.” My voice wavered, recalling the unpleasant image of another woman wrapped in my man. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could hold back the tears.
“No. I kissed you.”
My frustration increased. “Stop talking your way out of this.”
His eyes flared angrily. “Stop fucking around and ask the question you actually need to.” He released me and raked a hand through his hair. “To yourself.”
Trust. Women who were vastly more attractive than me could easily entice him away with fewer demands and expectations than I had, but if I trusted him that shouldn’t matter. My head was swimming with jealous thoughts, the feeling of deceit surpassing everything else. There was no way of making any sense of the situation anymore. I was beyond being reasonable.
Nate took a deep breath to calm down. “Have you checked your cellphone lately?”
I shook my head. He threw his head back and laughed in disbelief, pissing me off even more. There was nothing funny about this. “Why are you laughing?”
“Because I can’t believe how fucking immature you’re being,” he snapped. “It’s laughable.”
“Immature is not having the balls to tell me when it’s over. Immature is going behind my back and fucking someone else whilst feeding me a pack of lies, telling me how much I mean to you, when the reality is, I mean fuck all!” I stabbed at my chest, a pointless attempt to remind him who I was.
“You’re still on this absurd crusade I’m gonna fuck you over?” he muttered, the aggressive bite to his tone sending me cold. To the casual observer, Nate was the picture of calm, unwilling to draw attention to our spat by remaining cool and unaffected in his demeanour. Inside, however, the taut coil of fury was winding tighter and tighter, the stony glint in his eyes revealing just how furious he was.
“You’re all the same…” I mumbled despondently. I cast my eyes over the cityscape behind him, not liking the way he looked at me.
“Fuck that, Kara! Don’t judge me against every other asshole you’ve had in your life.” He shook his head, hands coming around his nape and rubbing. “I’ve never given you reason not to trust me.”
I hugged my tote to my chest. “There’s no point carrying this on if I don’t.” Except, I thought I might. On the verge of breaking down, and sensing the unwanted attention we were beginning to draw from curious onlookers, I tried to leave.
“Kara.” I was jerked around and my tote dropped to the ground, falling open on impact and scattering the contents across the patio.
“Shit!” I crouched to gather the lipstick and purse at our feet. Nate lowered until we were the same height, and tried helping. Mortified with the spectacular performance we were putting on, I slapped his hand away.
Face to face, his eyes searched mine. “I know you don’t mean it,” he said, his voice agonisingly accurate. “It’s in your eyes. In the golden flecks that dance when you look at me.”
A tear fell onto my cheek. The only other man ever to notice the dappled sun effect of my eyes was my father. “I’d started to believe I could trust you,” I sobbed. “You fooled me.”
Nate sucked in a shaky breath. The long fingers of his left hand curled around the keycard to his place. The sign of commitment I’d carried with me like a prized possession. He tried giving it back.
“Keep it,” I muttered, pushing to my feet. Nate rose with me. “Give it to the next woman who falls at your feet.” My eye line snagged on the blonde bitch giggling to Yasmina—who wasn’t laughing—as she revelled in us arguing. “Give it to your Arabian beauty,” I sneered. Jealousy and hurt spiked in me again. “Actually, forget that. She probably has one already.”
He glanced briefly over his shoulder at his table of friends. “This is ridiculous,” he sighed, slotting his fingers with mine. “I’ve got you. There’s no-one else for me.”
“You had me,” I corrected, freeing my hand, “not anymore.”
“Don’t say that.”
“Be honest with yourself. We had nothing really, did we?”
He let out a frustrated sigh. “Every time I see you, I fall for you all over again. You consume me, you’ve given me the impossible. Everything I thought I couldn’t have, didn’t deserve. I can’t let you throw that away on a whim, over some stupid misunderstanding.”
“We had great sex.” I took a step back and shrugged. “It’s all you ever wanted from me anyway.” I wanted to antagonise, provoke him. Make him suffer an ounce of the pain I was. Yet, as the spiteful words fell from my lips I knew I’d gone too far. My heart broke for us both.
“The hell we did! You know it’s more than that. You know it is,” he implored. If I wasn’t being such a bitch, I’d have stopped right there and dragged him home for some make-up sex. But I was on a roll.
I laughed spitefully. “You’re right. It was amazing. Best I’ve ever had,” I declared, my voice rising. “That what your ego needs to hear?” Every bone in my body hurt, certain I’d never experience his loving touch again. Never feel so liberated as when his eyes met mine as we made love.
Nate’s tongue darted out and wet his tempting lips. His gaze dropped to my mouth, and for a second, I thought he might kiss me. He turned away with the ghost of a smile gracing them. “It is amazing, but I’m not fucking you like someone who doesn’t give a shit about you.” I gulped when our eyes locked and I saw his despair. “It’s obvious how I feel, Kara.”
“Not to me. Not when you do this.” He’d told me so openly, his heart endlessly worn on his sleeve. More than anything, I needed to hear it right now. Wanted him to make me feel like I was his world. Needed words never shared between us before.
“I’m not doing this. Not here,” he muttered roughly. His hand slid into his jeans pocket for something but came out empty.
“Fine by me.” I spun on my heels and took a step before he had my arm in a vice-like grip.
“I’m not done. We’ll discuss this at home.” He radiated confidence, fully convinced I was leaving with him.
“It’s over,” I whimpered. “There’s nothing to discuss. You know how important trust is to me, yet you couldn’t help yourself.”
“I’ve told you the truth, Kara. I’m not justifying my actions further, but I won’t let you leave without telling me what’s really going on.”
I hated how he knew me so well, could see when I was hiding something away. “I’m not staying.”
His chest deflated, shoulders sagging in defeat. Large, captivating blue eyes stared at me. “You’re mad at me, I get it.” He released me and pointed up the stairs. “But if you walk out on me now, don’t expect me to chase after you. I won’t play that game.”
My shattered heart screamed not to leave, but I had to be strong. I wasn’t going to be second best again. I gulped back tears as the finality of the situation hit me like a blow to the chest. My vision was blurring with tears and I was shivering. I swiped at a falling tear and whispered, “I don’t want you to chase me.”
I squeezed my eyes shut to block out the pain scarring his face when he sucked in a breath.
“Wait here,” he snapped. “I’ve left my cellphone on the table and need to call Ross. This is far from over.” With powerful strides, he started towards his friends who were still watching this whole sorry saga unfold.
I was up the stairs without a backward glance, not daring to look back, frightened by what I might see if I did. Miraculously, a taxi pulled up outside the hotel and four young men climbed out. I scurried, head down towards it. “Hey, you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I lied through tears to whoever had spoken to me. I dived into the back seat, letting one of them close the door, and slouched low. I wasn’t sure who I was expecting to see me, because the one man I hoped would, was nowhere in sight.
I gave the driver my address then pulled out my phone. There it was—the unread text from Nate: MISSING YOU BABY. COME JOIN US X
I gulped back a sob as the reality of what I’d just done hit me hard. Mai called within a minute. “Whatever you said, you got to him.”
“Is he okay?” I sniffed.
“He’s acting cool as. Offered to take me home,” Mai said. I could barely hear her above the background noise of music.
“Oh.” I closed my window, earning a scowl from the cabbie. It was warm, but I had goosebumps chasing all over my skin. “Nice to know he gave me five minutes before moving on.”
“Kara,” Mai gently reprimanded. “He’s saving face. Underneath, I can see he’s a lot mad, a little humiliated, in shock, but above anything, he’s…”
My skin prickled, this time not from grief but with hope. “He’s what?”
The phone muffled, suggesting she was trying to be discreet. “Lost. Hurt. Shattered. Destroyed.”
The tears started again. “I’ll call if I need anything, Mai,” I choked out, desperate to hang up. “I’m going to sleep, get a clearer perspective in the morning.”
“I doubt you’ll do any of that. If you wanna talk, want alcohol, ice cream, chocolate, whatever, you know where I am. I’ll even make your favourite tiramisu if you want.”
I fumbled with the clasp of my tote, hoping to find a tissue in there. “Mai, you’re the best.”
“Be strong. I’ll let him know you’re okay.”
I ended the call and switched off my phone, filled with a harrowing pain over my loss.
THE cloud of depression had settled firmly around me by the time I flopped onto my bed. My mind was empty, my body numb. The tears that had racked my body the entire journey home had subsided. I had no more to cry. Now, my head thumped with a vengeance, whilst my stomach churned. Alcohol and anguish mixed together until I couldn’t last any longer. I scrambled off the bed, scarcely making it to the toilet before I vomited.
I collapsed on the floor, hugging the bowl and heaving until there was nothing left inside of me. I was spiralling into a familiar dark tunnel, self-pity and regret suffocating my brain. How could I have been so stupid? Allowing another man to screw over my life again? Cursing my weakness, I hauled my sorry arse up to the basin.
The hollow face blinking back at me in the mirror, all blotchy red, pale skin and swollen unfocused eyes, wasn’t me. It was the old me. The woman who had been here before and sworn never to let this happen again.
Yet as I glared at myself, I saw something new. There was a spark of fight in my eyes that hadn’t been there the last time I was heartbroken. All it had taken to free my spirit was one special person, a man who had forced me to confront what was really going on inside my head. I was still clinging onto my hatred for Stuart and had vented all my pent up animosity and resentment onto Nate. My past had found its way to my present—because I allowed it to.
I brushed my teeth and staggered to bed, kicking off my heels in spectacular fashion. They flew across the room and landed with a thud—one by the door, the other targeting the chandelier before dropping onto the bed. Not caring, I dragged the cover over my fully clothed body and curled into a ball.
The pain crippled me. My whole body pined for Nate. The man who’d made me believe in possibilities, who’d dared me to dream again, given life to my fractured soul. He had single-handedly broken down all of my barriers and made me feel.
I hated how I’d humiliated myself. How I’d let Stuart and those bitches at Nate’s table win. I’d never been so possessive of a man as I was Nate, and seeing him with Yasmina had wound me up, made me launch accusations that deep down I knew were completely untrue.
And that was the difference. This time, I knew I’d made a terrible assumption and drawn stupid conclusions. Nate would never intentionally deceive me.
“I won’t chase you…” His warning echoed in my inebriated head. I hugged the sheet to my chest.
“No going back,” I mumbled sleepily, the haze of slumber beckoning. “You’ve lost him…you walked…”