Chapter 19

 

Maddie

 

Dra, B, and I have had the morning to ourselves uninterrupted and it has gone better than I ever imagined. B thinks her dad hung the moon. Dra gives her his undivided attention and she is wrapping him around her little finger. Dra made breakfast and then we prepared for our first day out as a family in Dra’s world. The adjustment of Dra making most of the decisions is going to be interesting. He doesn’t ask my opinion unless it has to do with B. I have been making important decisions about myself since I was sixteen. Having the important things taken out of my hands is somewhat comforting but also disconcerting.

Our first bump in the road was at the bank. Dra had a bank card printed so I have access to one of his accounts, but he also set me up an account of my own, but he would not let me link my own account to it. He doesn’t want me spending my own money. I do not agree. Dra says no argument, that he takes care of his family. Caveman much?

Second big bump in the road, my vehicle. We drove into Boulder to the dealership. I just bought a new four-wheel drive SUV. What is wrong with it? I haven’t even had it a year, but I did use an alias to buy it, paying cash. Dra says the safety of it in deep snow and thick ice are not good enough for his family. He says I need a heavy-duty SUV four-wheel drive. I disagree but I relented because he has lived in Colorado most of his life. I just hope I can drive the darn tank. Alright, maybe I am exaggerating, a little, but it is bigger vehicle than I am used to driving. I wanted to pay, again didn’t happen.

The next stop was the mall where we loaded up on B’s clothes and necessities. I was fine with Dra buying all of B’s things and he was getting a kick out of B’s excitement of all the girlie clothes, but his eyes lit up when she wanted a pair of black boots that looked like her dad’s. They were for little boys, but her dad was not telling her no. I can see her wearing them with her pretty little dresses now. I threw in some jeans and t-shirts. Then Dra turned to me and said it was my turn. It has been a while since I have not had to tend to B and shop for myself. I picked out the basis essentials, but Dra was not happy and told me to get more or he would. I was shocked by what Sunshine wore the day Dra found me in Texas and there was way too much skin showing for a mom of a young daughter. I shopped some more and threw in a few risqué items that I would have never picked for myself before, but if I go out with Dra I don’t want to embarrass him by not fitting in. I know I am not beautiful like the women he is normally seen with, but I refuse to dress like a slut. When Dra took me to Victoria Secret my face turned three shades of red. Dra decided to take our packages to his truck and then let B ride some carousel rides outside the store while I went in. I do like sexy undies, but I don’t like an audience to pick them out. Dra seemed amused by my being uncomfortable. I finally join Dra and B outside by the small rides.

“You have been quiet today,” Dra tells me.

“Every time I say something it either makes you mad or you want to argue so I figured if we were going to have an enjoyable day with B, it would just be better to just not say anything,” I explain.

Dra is watching B on the ride, but he says in a quiet voice, “I don’t want you to think you don’t have choices, Maddie. You’ve had choices every step of the way, but like a good mom, you put B first. I see that you have done an excellent job with our girl. I know that your fears, to you, were real. I just think you had a little tunnel vision on your thoughts. Betsy is so damn smart and well-adjusted. I just wish that you had left me in that equation. I will never get that time back. I will never get to feel B kick inside of you and watch her grow inside you. As a father, I should have gotten to experience it all. I want that experience. Are you on birth control?” My heart aches for Dra. I know he is talking to me from his heart. I am ashamed for my actions. Then it dawns on me what he asked. I’m not on birth control. I don’t know why I did not think of this before. The only man I have been with is Dra and I have never seen the need. I was focused on B, not hooking up with someone. To be honest, I knew no other man would ever live up to Dra.

“I’m not. I guess, I need to make a doctor appointment for me too. We haven’t used protection.” I watch for Dra’s reaction.

“I am aware we have not used protection. I want another child, now.” Dra shocks me. Am I ready for another child? I don’t know that answer.

“I am going to ask you this once Dra and I will never question you again.” I wait for Dra to respond.

“I won’t lie. I will never lie to you, baby. Ask the question.” Dra waves at B when she goes around. She is smiling ear to ear.

“Well now it is two questions.” Dra smiles at me and waits for me to ask. “I want to know are you committed to our marriage and do you love me? Through all this you have never mentioned love.”

I look at my hands. “I have always loved you Dra. I think I fell in love with you the first time I laid eyes on you. I just need you to know that.”  I feel vulnerable and I wait for Dra to answer now that I have put all my cards on the table. Dra takes my hand.

“Maddie, you blow me away with your honesty. I can’t say that I loved you the first time we met. I can’t tell you if I love you now. All I can say is that I care about you, but it goes so much deeper than that. I can’t explain it. I can’t find the words. From the moment I found out about Betsy, I have never seen Betsy and myself as a family without you. You have always been in that picture in my mind. I would die protecting you and Betsy. I am one hundred percent committed to this marriage. I will not let you or Betsy go. I can’t, the thought makes my heart hurt and sucks all the air out of my lungs. I thought I knew what love was when I with Callie but when it came down to it I picked the Troubled Fathoms over her. I don’t think I could do that with you and Betsy. Someone would need to kill me to keep me away.” Dra seems sincere and his words warm me, but I can be patient. Dra stops talking.

“For now, that is enough,” I reassure him. I see the carousel has stopped and Dra gets up and goes and takes our daughter off.

“Me hungry,” B says.

“I guess it is time for me to feed my girls. What do you want to eat?” Dra looks at B and waits for her answer.

“Candy.” I laugh. Dra looks at me.

“First healthy food and then maybe a snack later. How about some veggie pizza?” I ask her. Dra huffs beside me.

“Cheese!” B yells and starts kicking.

“I agree with Betsy, cheese with maybe some meat on it. Who eats veggie pizza?” I do. It’s healthier. Dra is the typical man who drowns it in meat.

“Alright, cheese it is.” We walk to the pizza place in the mall and we each order the kind of pizza we want. We eat in silence. I see when B is close to finished eating that her eyes are drooping. It won’t be long until she will be asleep.

“Looks like someone is ready for a nap. Are you ready for a nap baby girl?” Dra asks B. I think I must gasp when Dra says it because he looks at me. I can tell he doesn’t mean anything by it but hearing him call B by my sister Callie’s nickname is a shock. “Don’t over think it babe,” Dra tells me. I know he is right. I have called B my baby girl many times. I am just being oversensitive.

“We still need to do a grocery run and I need to get our bathroom supplies,” I tell Dra.

“Why don’t we go someplace that carries it all, so we only need to make one more stop. I want to get a couple of booster seats for our extra vehicles also, that way we don’t have to keep moving the one I have.” I nod my head. That sounds like a great idea.

“Is there a Target or Walmart? I would prefer to get a regular car seat. Walmart is where I got the one in my SUV. I would like one like it and I think one more will be enough. I did research and it is one with all the safety specifications that I am comfortable with.” Dra stands up and picks up all our trash to the trash can without responding. I get a baby wipe from my bag and clean B’s face and hands as best I can.

“That sounds good about Walmart. I am going to get three car seats though. We can put the booster seat up that I bought until she is big enough for it. I knew nothing about safety when I bought it. I was just trying to be safe but didn’t think about checking safety regulations. I want to pick one up for Krill too. He said something about having play dates with Betsy and I know he doesn’t know anything more about them than I do. I just know I had the devil trying to get that contraption in there right the first time, so I don’t want to need to move them.” Dra looks deep in thought. “All your things should be at the house by the time we get back. You can drive your old SUV until the new one is picked up tomorrow. The dealership is going to deliver it to the clubhouse tomorrow afternoon. We need to pick you up a phone too. The phone store is next to Walmart. What time did the doctor office say to bring Betsy in tomorrow for her shots?”

“We are supposed to be there at nine forty- five, so I can fill out paperwork. Are you going to be able to go with me?” I ask Dra. This conversation just seems so domesticated. I never thought I would get here with Dra.

“I will be gone when you get up in the morning. I need to go by the school and talk to some people, but I will meet you there. I don’t know how I am going to do when Betsy gets her shots. I don’t like the idea of her being hurt.” I laugh.

“You are not going to like it at all. I hate it, but I know the small discomfort she feels from the needle pricks is a lot better than her getting the disease she is being inoculated against. You sound like the typical parent.” Dra smiles.

“I do, don’t I? Thank you for that Maddie.” Dra stops and then looks at me. “You said pricks. Is she getting more than one shot?” Dra’s face has gone hard like he is going to lose his temper. “I don’t think more than one shot in a day is necessary. Betsy is not a damned pin cushion.”

“I’m not sure how many she will get. I think it is only one this time but every child that takes them gets the same ones. She’ll be fine. I just hope you and I can say the same. I need to be sure and pick up some children’s ibuprofen, Tylenol, and a fever thermometer.” That gets Dra’s attention. I shake my head at him. “Come on Dad, let’s get this done before B falls asleep here.” Dra picks B up and I pick up my one remaining shopping bag and we walk out of the mall.