Chapter 7

 

Maddie

 

I can see that B is getting tired and I know soon we will need to leave so I can get her back home, fed, bathed and down for the night. She has had an exciting day. I was hoping that I would get a call from my attorney while we were at the park and we would be able to go home with Aunt Deb and Micah but since when has anything gone the way that I want? I watch as Micah and Aunt Deb help B feed the ducks by the city pond. It’s a beautiful day and B loves the ducks. B should be exhausted and by the time we get back to our room she should have a nice long nap, ready to end this day. Who am I kidding? B will be asleep when the wheels on my SUV start rolling. Riding always puts her to sleep.

I thought when we first met up with Aunt Deb and Micah today it wasn’t going to go well. B isn’t a shy child, but she didn’t want Micah or Aunt Deb to hold her and the look on Aunt Deb’s face told me exactly how unhappy she was about the situation. Aunt Deb wasn’t going to force the issue and gave B her space. Micah on the other hand was having none of it and it wasn’t long until the two of them, Micah and B, were chasing each other around the playground. The ice was broke, and B warmed up to the two of them and the tension I felt coming from Aunt Deb lessened but I have noticed the little looks she is shooting me from time to time. To say I am trying to avoid the issue is an understatement. I would avoid it until I have no other choice. I watch as Aunt Deb walks back over to me and I am dreading this conversation.

“Maddie, come walk with me so we can talk. You know I am not leaving until I have my say, so let’s take care of it while Micah has B occupied.” Aunt Deb is giving me that don’t argue with me look so I know there is no avoiding it anymore, but I make one more attempt.

“Or we could just say our goodbyes and pretend like you had your say. That works for me.” I try to joke my way out of it or at least relieve some tension. I know that look she has on her face, so I get up off the bench and step up and walk with Aunt Deb down a little trail that B and I have walked a few times. We walk a few feet away and Aunt Deb looks at me and grabs my hand and we keep walking. Aunt Deb has done this many times over the years. When she has a talk with Micah or myself, she wants physical contact with us. Most of the time it is holding our hand as we walk or her hand on our back.

“Nice try but no cigar. You get my two cents worth of experience and thoughts.” Aunt Deb smiles at me and I know whatever she is going to say is coming from a good place, so I will give her the respect to listen to her. I owe my Aunt Deb a lot and it is the least I can do.

“I’m listening with open ears and heart for your great wisdom.” We both laugh and keep walking.

“You are full of sass today. I’m used to that from Micah, but you are usually the level headed one.” Aunt Deb pulls me in for a hug and then she lets go and we walk over to a bench and sit down. I am just following her lead. “B is a beautiful child Maddie. You are doing an excellent job raising her by yourself, but we need to get you both home and sooner rather than later. B needs roots and stability. She can’t get that on the road moving from place to place.” I know Aunt Deb is right. I have had the same thoughts myself.

“It shouldn’t be much longer. My attorney said they just need to serve Dra with papers and then I can come back home. I thought that it might happen today. No luck though, I haven’t received the call yet.” Aunt Deb is shaking her head.

“Then what? Have you thought that out yet? Shared custody? You and Dra live in different states. Are you going to pack your baby up and send her to him every other week? Are Dra and his woman going to have her half the time? I don’t think you have completely thought this out Maddie.” Aunt Deb is talking to me, but I can tell by the look in her eyes that she is thinking of how to say what she has to say without hurting my feelings. This isn’t her usual approach, so it surprises me.

“Just say what you need to. I know that whatever it is, you are saying it because you love B and me. I promise I will hear you out.” That brings a smile to her face.

“Sometimes I forget you and Micah can read me as well as I can read you both. Alright then, here is my all-knowing wisdom.” Aunt Deb laughs but then goes serious. “Maddie, the line between love and hate is a fine edge. You need to walk that edge carefully. It can be hard to balance even if it is a mile wide. Don’t fall down that slippery slope if you want to keep B safe,” Aunt Deb tells me. I think about the words carefully.

“Aunt Deb, I don’t think I get what you are saying. Dra has never loved me. He pushed me away and regretted being with me.” I look at my hands, so Aunt Deb won’t see the shame I hold for this fact. Aunt Deb reaches over and pulls my face around, so I must look at her.

“Do not ever play poker sweetie. Your feelings are written all over your face. I wasn’t talking about the love Dra has for you, I am talking about the love you have for him and don’t try denying it. It’s the same look your mom had when she talked about Diamondback.” That gets my attention and I start to ask the question and Aunt Deb holds her hand up. “You and your sister are old enough to understand now. Elizabeth Sylvia Bass, bless her soul, was my sister and my best friend and she could never picture her babies as grown women and she never wanted either of you to know because she did not want either of you to ever feel like you kept her from doing anything she wanted in life. You two were her everything and from the minute she came back home pregnant with you two, you were her only focus. She loved your daddy with everything inside her. The way her eyes would light up when his name was mentioned was like turning the Christmas lights on the Christmas tree for the first time of the season. She didn’t admit to him and she would never let you girls know.”

“Why did Mom leave him and go home then?” I ask curiously.

“Sylvie didn’t leave Diamondback, she left the lifestyle. I can’t say I understand the whole biker club lifestyle. I only know what Sylvia explained.” Aunt Deb hesitates and then goes on. “When Sylvie got pregnant she was only having sex with your dad, but before that, she was a club whore. I am not judging Sylvie, those are her words. Her decision and her business, I did not judge then or now. Sylvie thought the life in a motorcycle club was too dangerous for children and she did not want that for you and Micah.”

“Mom told us about being a club girl but if she loved our dad why couldn’t they have a relationship even if it was long distance and why couldn’t he be in our lives?” I ask the question. I have always thought Mom was leaving Dad because she wanted us raised on the ranch and away from him.

“Because Maddie, like you, your mom loved your dad, but your dad was not a one-woman man. Diamondback and Sylvie had a physical relationship as far as Diamondback was concerned, if even that. I am not laying this all on your dad. Sylvie knew exactly how Diamondback felt about the situation. The thing is that after your mom returned to the ranch Diamondback wanted her back and she refused. I think in his own way he wanted to try the family thing or maybe it was his hurt pride. She understood that Diamondback was not going to change, and she loved him enough not to want to change him, but she was keeping her babies safe and she built a wall around her heart. That meant he stayed away. They came to an agreement and they both stood by it to keep you and Micah safe. I think in Diamondback’s own way he loved Sylvie, but you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, so he kept his distance and Sylvie kept him updated from time to time on you and Micah and you two grew up happy and safe.” Aunt Deb made it sound so easy, and I know growing up we were happy and safe but Micah and I both missed having a father. I know I always wondered why my dad didn’t want me.

“I am not in love with Dra, infatuation tends to fade after raising our daughter alone and Dra was ashamed of the time we spent together. I guess history has a way of repeating itself.” Do I love Dra? That is something I won’t even admit to myself. At one time, I could think of nothing else but being with Dra but now it seems like a distant dream.

“Maddie, you can deny to me that you love Dra but don’t deny it to yourself. You are a Bass and we do not run from our problems. We face our problems head on and kick them in the ass. Now that being said, I understand you had to take the time and assess the situation and come up with a game plan and you have done that, so I am hoping that means very soon B will be coming back to her room at home and she will be growing up on the ranch just like you and her Aunt Micah and just like your mom and I did. If it’s not broken, then don’t fix it and we have seemed to have survived just fine.” Aunt Deb is right, and home is exactly where I want to be with B.

“I agree, and I am working on it. Any more words of wisdom or have you used them all?” I laugh.

“I am going to tell you one more thing that your Grandma Bass used to tell your mom and me. Love is like the seasons of the year. Spring is the fresh new beginning where all things are just blossoming, and friendships turn to more. With summer comes the heat and the fun times. What woman doesn’t like some sizzle in her life? Then comes autumn and fall. The sizzle cools off, but the different layers of your relationship are like the assorted colors of the leaves. Just beautiful and the temperature of your relationship is something that is manageable. Then damn winter comes. Yes, the snow can be beautiful, but the slush afterwards is a big mess and let’s face it, in the coldness of the winter things die.” Aunt Deb takes my hand and squeezes it and I look at her again and she finishes. “This is where you are right now, and you know Dra may not be there with you, but you need to make up your mind.” I don’t get what Aunt Deb is getting at. “You need to decide if you are going to let the frost kill what you feel for Dra or if you are going to hang on for the spring to get here and let it blossom again. I know you could get hurt again but if there is any way for you to have even a friendship with Dra, is it worth it, or is it just too dangerous for B? You just need to decide and stick with it. I don’t want you to have any doubts. This will contain the hurt or at least try to.”

“Aunt Deb, the decisions were made for me. Dra made them all. I don’t even know why he was outraged when he found out about B. Dra told me he did not want children and he also told me we should have never happened.” Aunt Deb is shaking her head.

“Maddie, Dra told you he didn’t want children as in a thought of the future and not in a here and now. Some people think they don’t want children until it happens. Your sister Micah has said many times she doesn’t want children, but you and I both know, that is not how she feels, and one day Micah will be a good mom.” I agree with some of what Aunt Deb is saying.

“Are you saying that it was wrong of me to run with B?” I know I have had my doubts but hearing someone else say it makes me feel a burn in my chest. It feels a lot like guilt.

“All I am saying is I think you may need to reconsider now, instead of later. I know you, Maddie, and you have a soft heart and once Dra confronts you I don’t think you will stand your ground with him and if you are going to give in I think it is better to do it now instead of dragging it through the courts. I also want you to know no matter what your decision is I will stand beside you and support you. I love you and B, and I am always here.” I think about Aunt Deb’s words. Will I cave? Am I doing what is right? My mind is muddled with so much to think about and I am exhausted.

“I am still worried about the danger. I am so worried about my baby girl being put in danger. The lockdowns and fighting. Is it really a life I should give to B?” This is always my concern.

“Now that B is known to be Dra’s daughter hasn’t that ship sailed? Anyone that wants to get to Dra, that would use his daughter against him, will know they can still use her even if Dra isn’t in B’s life. I have brought it all to your attention so now it is up to you. All I am saying is decide and stick to it, so B is not caught in the middle. I think I have given you enough to think about today so let’s go rescue Micah. She looks like B has worn her out.” I look at my sister and my daughter. They are in the sandbox and B is putting sand all over Micah’s jean covered legs. It is a funny sight considering Micah hates sand anywhere on her. Aunt Deb and I walk towards the two and when B sees me she comes running. I bend down and she runs into my arms. I put B in her normal spot on my hip and she looks around me at Aunt Deb. I think B warmed up to Micah faster than Aunt Deb because my twin’s and my looks are so similar. Micah and I are not identical twins. We have our similarities that stand out like our hair color and eyes but there are some differences too. I think our personalities have the most differences, but Micah is a little taller and her legs put mine to shame. She’s always been the athletic one and I have been the book nerd. Neither one of us is very tall but she has me beat by an inch at five feet four inches. We are both taller than Callie and Aunt Deb. B is playing shy but when Aunt Deb puts her hands out to her B jumps at the chance to play. It is time for us to get back home and I see the signs of B needing some down time. I whisper in B’s ear and she smiles at me and then lays her head down on my shoulder.

“I need to get B home for bath time before dinner time or she will be a total terror to get to sleep tonight. She loves her bubbles to wind down,” I tell Aunt Deb. Micah has walked up on the other side of me.

“Do not lie on that little angel. There is no way she could be a little terror.” Aunt Deb plays with B’s hand as she is saying it with a smile.

“Tell me that after you watch her for me and she is hyped up on sugar. Not a pretty picture. I asked B if she was ready for our movie time.” Aunt Deb and Micah both wait for me to explain.

“Is that a mom code for something because I don’t get it,” Micah says.

“Every evening when it is time for bed we turn a movie on and rest our eyes together,” I answer Micah.

“I can’t believe you use the same thing on B that Mom used on us. Just rest your eyes for five minutes and then we can play, was Mom’s thing. That’s so not fair.” Micah is laughing as she says it. We both love to talk about our childhood when Mom was still alive.

“I thought the same way until my little princess turns into a little monster when she is too tired to go to sleep at night because she is overtired. The movie helps her wind down. I can’t wait until you are a mom and are left to deal with a toddler. You’ll see.” I am half laughing but I am serious. I have been dreading this minute since we met this afternoon, but I know it is time to say our goodbyes. I wish we were going back to the ranch with my aunt and sister. I know that is not happening so no reason to prolong this anymore. It’ll happen. I just need to be patient. I look down to my daughter. “B, tell Aunt Deb and Aunt Micah bye for now. We need to get home,” I tell my very tired daughter. B doesn’t say anything she just gives them a short wave of her hand. Aunt Deb and Micah both step up and kiss her cheek one at a time and hug me.

“As soon as that damn lawyer calls, get me on the phone, so I can haul my ass up here to move you both home,” Micah tells me. I give her one of my looks.

“Micah, I swear your children will have the worst potty mouths. Please, watch what you say in front of B, so she doesn’t start with the swear words.” Micah is not fazed at all.

“Afraid your princess is going to tell someone to kiss her ass?” Micah laughs.

“Enough Micah. Not all people want their children to have a trash mouth, like you missy. Clean it up and respect what your sister is trying to do with her daughter.” Aunt Deb is speaking in the voice that both Micah and I both means do not back talk. It’s one of those motherly voices only she and mom had. It has left me silent many times growing up. Micah just rolls her eyes.

“You two are no fun at all. I am supposed to be the fun aunt,” Micah whines. “Later sister. I am taking my potty mouth to get me an iced tea somewhere.”  Micah turns and walks away. This time Aunt Deb rolls her eyes.

“Drama queen,” Aunt Deb says to Micah. Micah keeps walking. Aunt Deb looks back to me. “Call when you can. Take care of B and yourself. Love you both.” Aunt Deb kisses B’s cheek again. B is already getting still so I know she will be asleep as soon as she is buckled in her car seat.

“Be careful on the way home and I will call as soon as I get an update. Love you,” I tell Aunt Deb and I feel the tears in my eyes. I hate saying goodbye. I miss home and my family is home. Aunt Deb turns and walks away. I know it is time to get back to the boarding house. I turn and start to walk back through the park. I make it to my SUV and I hear tires squeal and I don’t think much of it, we are in a big city. I get my keys out of my back pocket and click the locks and that is the last thing I remember before things go black.