Chapter 11

Maddie

We have been in the truck for over an hour and B went back to sleep less than five minutes after we left the farmhouse. The quiet between Dra and myself is stifling. I could almost choke on the tension. I am drowning in guilt from keeping B away from Dra but the thought of living in Dra’s world is consuming me in fear for B. I have been going over the conversation that Dra and I had back at the farmhouse. I can see where he has some good points. I have made some decisions that are questionable, but I never was trying to do it with maliciousness towards Dra. I only wanted to keep B safe. I also see where I have not been fair in trusting Devil and Chief to keep B safe, but I didn’t trust Dra to keep his own daughter safe. I just couldn’t see my decisions were wrong at the time. I was living in the moment. It’s hard being a single parent and being scared out of your mind that you are going to make a wrong decision. The one thing that keeps coming to mind is Dra broke my trust when he did an about face the morning after we made love. There I go again, making what happened between us more than it was. Dra made it very plain that what we had was sex and apparently not very good sex since one time was enough for him. To me, it was the best night of my life up to that night. I know it was all a young woman’s dream of a romantic one-night stand that would mean more. I thought once we made love it would heal all of Dra’s wounds that losing Callie had left him with. That it would open Dra’s eyes that I was the woman for him. I could be everything that Callie couldn’t be for him. I was just another easy lay for him. I was so ashamed for so long but the day the doctor told me I was pregnant with B that all changed. I knew that no matter how much Dra didn’t want me I had a part of him no one else has. It sounds like something out of one of my romance novels. I have grown up since then, and I now know not to take anything that Dra says about us being a real family to heart. There is a part of me that died the next morning when Dra said that he made a mistake. It was the part of me that thought Dra walked on water and the part of me that trusted him. I let my mistrust of Dra interfere with my decisions to let him in B’s life and I know that is a mistake now and I will do what I can to make it up to both B and Dra for the time they have missed together. I know Dra said we were going to be a regular family, but I don’t think I will ever trust that. I also know that Dra is not bringing up the part where he said that we would consummate our marriage. Do I want that? Another chance at a night in Dra’s bed. Dra is the only man I have ever wanted in a sexual way. My problem is I don’t know if I can keep my heart out of the equation. Is there a such a thing as a one-night stand with your husband? I am so confused. I wish that Dra would let me talk to Aunt Deb or Micah. I can’t resist my attraction to Dra. He is the walking talking version of any woman’s wet dream. He’s tall and muscular with a presence that draws eyes to him. He is so self-assured that when you look at him you want to believe everything he says. He has a few tattoos that add to his hotness without taking away from his natural allure. I want to say I am not a superficial person but the night I saw Dra without his clothes on stunned me. I have seen attractive men. I don’t live with my head stuck in the sand but seeing Dra naked in all his glory was something I will never forget. I think I drooled. He has washboard abs and his six pack abs made me want to lick them. Did I say I drooled? His thick thighs are what made me melt. I am a leg woman. Who would have thought, not me? His legs looked so strong and then when I felt the muscles in his back. Men where I come from do not look like Dra. Alright, maybe some do, but I haven’t seen any of them. Then again, Dra is the only man I have ever seen completely naked. The thought makes me clinch my legs together. His sandy blonde hair and mesmerizing gray eyes are icing on an already stacked cake. I don’t know how in my simple mind that I could ever think that me with my mediocre looks could get and keep Dra’s attention. I mean I know he must be attracted to some of my looks. He loved Callie and even though I know love has nothing to do with looks there has to be a basic attraction to get to the love. Callie and I resemble each other a lot. Not as much as Micah, my twin, but Callie and I do have a similar build. I am a little taller than her, but I am still considered short at five-foot and three or four inches. I have the same dishwater blonde hair. My breasts have grown since having B and I finally reached a D cup and I have junk in my trunk since I started eating regular meals again. The time on the road took my weight off but it is showing up again. Fact is I like to eat and I don’t always have time for all the healthy things I need to be eating and I just don’t have the time or energy for more exercise after running after a toddler every day. I don’t know how all the mom’s do it and my hat is off to them. Dra’s phone beeping has me jumping since I was so far in my own head. Dra looks at the phone and ignores it. My nerves are getting the best of me. “We will be at the airstrip soon. When we get there all you need to do is grab your bag. I will get Betsy and her car seat,” Dra tells me.

“You’re just going to leave your truck here? How big is this plane we are getting on? I am not sure I am comfortable with B getting on a small plane. B has never flown before and I read that they can cause small children problems with their ears. That’s the reason I never took her on a plane before and aren’t they more prone for crashes?” Dra smiles.

“Maddie calm down. This is a rental and I have someone picking it up and returning it. Children fly on planes all the time and if Betsy has a problem with her ears then we will give her some gum. I chartered a plane from a very reputable man that I trust. I am not taking any chances with my family,” Dra tries to assure me.

“B doesn’t chew gum. It’s not good for her teeth. I just don’t want her scared or in any pain,” I tell Dra.

“Darlin’, Betsy will be trying all sorts of new things in her life that are a little scary, but her mom and dad will be there to help her through it. Relax so she won’t feel your anxiety. That will probably scare her more than the plane ride,” Dra says as if it is a natural thing of him taking care of his daughter. I have made B miss this.

“How do you know that? I don’t remember you having any experience with children.” Dra’s face goes hard and I know I made a mistake asking him that question.

“You’re right Maddie. I do not have the experience of taking care of Betsy. That was taken away from me by you. I don’t have hands on experience like you but since the day that I found out I had a daughter I have been reading up on how to care for my child, so I would be prepared for the day when I could bring her home. I had also started reading books with Callie before she had Kellan. Remember, we thought I was going to raise your nephew with your sister.” I hear the regret in Dra’s voice. I think it is always going to come back to the life that Dra wanted with Callie. I don’t know how to compete with that. Dra looks like he is trying to control his temper.

“I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am,” I tell Dra honestly.

“Look Maddie, it is not going to do us any good to keep going over the past again and again. I can’t say I am not still angry, but I know I need to let it go so we can move forward so let’s both try to do that. Betsy is what is important. I want to get to know her and I want her to trust that I will always be there for her like a dad should be,” Dra tells me without taking his eyes off the road. I see the way his hands are gripping the steering wheel.

“That would probably be easier if you would call her B instead of Betsy. It’s what she is used to. I have called her B since the first day she was born,” I tell Dra hoping it will help B warm up to her dad. It’s not like she has had time. She has seen him all of five minutes today before she was back to sleep.

“Why would we call our daughter B?” Dra asks me with a smile on his face. I see parts of the man I fell for there in that smile.

“Well her name is Betsy Lauren. Betsy after your Gram and Lauren for my Grandma Bass. I wanted her to have something for herself, but I think three names are just too much, so I thought I would call her B, so it is all hers. I call her honey B sometimes because she is sweet as honey,” I tell Dra honestly.

“I can see that but why didn’t you give Betsy my last name? Don’t you think she needs her dad’s last name?” Dra asks me.

“In the state of Texas, the father has to sign the birth certificate for it to be legal and I was trying to keep it as simple as possible. I do want B to have your name. You both deserve that. I know that now,” I try to explain myself. I know there is no excuse that Dra will accept. I understand that.

“That will be corrected. My attorney is bringing all the paperwork to Vegas. I will try to remember to call our daughter B, but she needs to be taught her real name also for when she goes to school.” I have already thought of this, but I like to see where Dra’s head is. I think we can make this work if we both keep putting B first.

“Okay.” I smile as I say it. Dra smiles back at me and that is how we leave it as we drive up to a small airstrip in the middle of nowhere.