CHAPTER TEN

LAURA

 

AFTER SPENDING HOURS in the library, I return to an empty room. I’m glad and decide I want to keep my distance from them all. I hate people, sometimes they make everything so complicated. Right now I need to just keep to myself.

And that’s what I am doing today. We are going on a road trip.

Minnie, an old woman sits in front of me, stroking an invisible cat. Her cueing is there like white noise in the background. I sit beside the window; the chair beside me empty. The rest of our group sits in the back, making noise that I block out. I focus on Minnie instead. Blake, her cat is called; she says his name repeatedly while she continues to stroke him.

I like Minnie, she reminds me of a woman who lived a few houses away from me when I was young. On the rare occasion that my parents went out she would babysit us. I smile now at the memory of her. We always told her we got popcorn before bed, and every time she made it for us, she burnt it. She was way too old to be minding four young children. We played up, yet she never told our parents. Every Wednesday I got to visit her, just me and her. She would have tea and biscuits ready for both of us. Her house was filthy. She wasn’t able to do much so I would do the few chores for her, in return she told me stories of her life. I wasn’t like other ten-year olds, I loved to listen about the past.  Whenever I got the opportunity to leave my house I would come here. Hours would pass yet no one came looking for you.

“Laura?” I look up at Rose, her brows are furrowed. Minnie stares at me over the seat, still holding Blake. My face burns as I become aware of the silence in the bus. Rose holds out a piece of paper and a pen to me that I take quickly before letting my hair fall back around my face.

“Write down one thing you would like to achieve and why. Put it in the envelope and seal it. Don’t sign your name.” Rose moves to the back of the bus.

I look up at Minnie who still stares at me. I smile and she ducks down behind her seat. Her giggles make me smile. My pen hovers over the paper. What did I want to achieve? 

‘I want to be normal.’ I wrote. The why part was easy. ‘I want to fit in.’ I didn’t want people like Ava and Craig to look at me how they did. Even Michael looked at me sideways. I had overheard him call me a gothic freak. I wasn’t sure why. I didn’t wear much black, but the freak part hurt. Because I felt like a freak most times.

I stuff the piece of paper in the envelope that Rose collects as she makes her way to the front of the bus. The bus takes off, eliciting a squeal from Minnie. I stare out the window watching all the grey buildings fade in the background. I thought it would feel nice to see them disappear, but it doesn’t. We haven’t even left the grounds when I want to stand up and stop the bus. I need to go back. I bite my lip afraid that I will shout out.

Be normal. I tell myself. Trees appear and I start to count them. As I focus on the numbers, my heartrate slows, the sweat on my palms starts to dry up, and my shoulders loosen slightly. Three hundred and thirty-five trees later we reach our destination.

“About time,” Craig says as he jumps off the bus. The rest follow him like sheep. I wait until the bus is empty before climbing off. Rose counts us as we stand in a line.

All nine of us.

“Minnie, sweetheart. You can walk with me,” Rose holds out her hand to Minnie, who takes it while cradling Blake in her other arm. Everyone falls in behind them. I make sure to go last, keeping a few paces behind the group. Gravel crunches under my sneakers as we start our climb. The smell of cigarette smoke wafts towards me. That would make climbing easier. 

I look up at the back of Craig’s head, smoke filters from the side of his mouth as he intentionally blows it towards Michelle.

“Fuck’s sake, Craig,” she swipes at it, like it’s tangible.

“Keep your hands to yourself, Michelle. I know you want me.” Craig ducks away from Michelle like she’s trying to touch him.

“Not if you were the last man alive.”

“What if we got stuck on the mountain? Would you consider me then?” Craig asks, while blowing more smoke towards Michelle.

“Fuck off, Craig!” Her shout has Rose and Minnie stopping.

“Michelle, watch your language.”

“Sorry Rose,” Nothing is said to Craig, I’m not sure why, maybe they are sick of his antics.  I wonder what ever happened with his report on what happened to his leg. I also wonder what did happen to his leg. My conclusion was that he had cut himself. He doesn’t look like a person who would hurt himself. He loves himself too much. But we all wear masks.

Michelle and Maria still cling to Ava, both look up at her every time she speaks, hanging onto every word she says.  For the next while we trek in silence and I focus on the ground. The smell of cigarette smoke wafts down to me every once in a while, yet Craig never stops for a breath. How he can smoke and climb a mountain is bizarre. I’m starting to feel the effects of the climb and I’m grateful when we stop to rest.

I sit away from everyone, facing down the mountain.  From my vantage point, I can make out the carpark, our bus a lone wolf. So my vehicle counting is one.

The wind whips my hair away from my face. I try to capture it and pull it down, but it isn’t sitting. I let my hands rest on the clay underneath me, my fingers moving mechanically, searching for something to count. But clay just crumbles along with my composure. I’m not safe outside the building. I need to return. My breathing comes in short spouts and a tightness starts in my chest. My hands shake along the clay. I close my eyes and try to swallow the panic.

“Blake. Blake,” The screams of Minnie breaks through the haze that is growing around me.

“Calm down, Minnie.” Rose, the voice of reason, tries to soothe Minnie.

“Blake,” Minnie sounds closer now and I manage to look over my shoulder at her, her eyes roam the ground franticly, her hands held to her chest. Rose reaches for her, but Minnie keeps moving. “Blake.” My heart breaks for her, and the sniggers from Michael has me standing up. Dizziness washes over me for getting up so quickly. I close my eyes and brace myself for a minute before opening them.

“Blake,” I call, hating how everyone looks at me, but I focus on the ground before looking at Minnie. “We’ll find him,” I tell her, and she nods with her eyes wide and a look of determination on her face as she starts calling him again.

Rose stares at me briefly before she too starts to call Blake. A few minutes later, the others join in. I’m not sure where to go from here. Do I declare I found him? Or do we let Minnie find him when she’s ready? As the wind picks up and the search for Blake spreads out, I tighten the light army green jacket around me. “Blake,” I continue to call him, in case Minnie is in ear shot. She has gone off in the other direction with Rose, so I am not entirely sure if me calling Blake out loud is necessary.

My mind counts the miserable looking bushes as I pass them. They are spaced out, but I’ve counted fifteen when Craig speaks. “Why did you do that?” I don’t look at him but continue moving and focusing on the ground.

“Do what?” I ask but I know what he is referring to.

“Join in with her madness?” I look at him this time. This is the first time I’ve spoken to him since he humiliated me yesterday. I’m surprised that the anger I thought I would feel isn’t there.

“She’s not mad.” I hate that word.

Craig raises an eyebrow before lighting up a cigarette. “She’s looking for a cat that doesn’t exist,” he declares blowing smoke through his nose.

“That doesn’t make her mad.”

Craig grins, and my face starts to grow warm. “What the fuck is your definition of madness?”

I clench my fists, hating how he speaks to me. “She’s broken, Craig. And Madness...”  I blank momentarily. “Is looking for hairs on your palm,” I finish before racing away with mortification, but Craig’s snort of laughter chases after me.

“Blake,” I shout, feeling irritated with the missing cat. This was madness.

I find everyone else and stop when Minnie comes into view; she stands beside Rose stroking Blake. I smile when she looks up at me. “I found Blake, Laura,” She looks really happy. Her smile has my throat burning.

“That’s great, Minnie,” I tell her before looking to Rose.

“Anyone see Craig?” Rose asks.

“I’m here, Rose, don’t panic. I’m not missing like Blake,” he throws the cigarette on the ground before stubbing it out with his boots. Rose glances from the cigarette to Craig but doesn’t say anything.

We continue the trek up the mountain. I glance at Craig as he walks beside me in silence. His group keeps looking back in confusion. I don’t blame them, I’m pretty confused too. “What are you doing?” I ask him.

He doesn’t look at me. “Hiking.” he answers.

I’m shaking my head, but words fail me.

“What’s with the head shaking?” I hate how each word he speaks sounds like an insult. I narrow my eyes at him and he grins while blowing smoke into the air. “You’re telling me to fuck off again, aren’t you?”

“Yes.” I say, before clamping my mouth shut. I didn’t mean to be nasty. Craig’s laughter has the group looking back at us with even more confusion. I’m feeling pretty stumped myself. “What’s so funny?” When I speak he seems to pull himself together.

“Your honesty is refreshing.”

I hate how I want to smile or how I’m happy that he thinks I’m refreshing. I need to remember how he treated me yesterday. Stuffing my hands in my pockets, I start to walk again. Craig has to do a short jog to catch up.

“So I filed my report yesterday,” he tells me. I don’t know why he’s decided to share this with me. My hair keeps blowing into my face and I have to tuck it behind my ear several times. I’m curious so I bite.

“What did you say?”  I glance at him. He sucks his lip ring into his mouth and lets it go, I’m mesmerised. One minute it’s all about his mouth, the next the ground is rushing towards me. I don’t hit it; strong arms catch me and pull me up.

“Are you okay?” Rose asks. I look up at our audience. Craig’s hands still rest on my hips, burning into my skin. I step away from him quickly nearly falling again.

“Yeah.” I tell Rose while fixing my jacket. Humiliation burns my cheeks.  My eyes meet Ava’s as hers narrow on me. She doesn’t move even as Rose starts to walk and everyone falls into step behind Rose. Instead she mouths the words ‘attention seeker’ before turning on her snow-white pumps and marching up the mountain in the tightest pair of jeans I have ever seen. I find myself praying they will rip.

“Never mind her.” It’s Craig that snaps me out of my nasty thoughts; I can’t look at him, so I start to walk too. “You know she’s just jealous.”

I glance at Craig quickly not lingering on him too long in fear of falling. A bitter laugh leaves my mouth. “Of what, Craig? Hardly me. You made that perfectly clear.” I hate that he is making me feel so much. Fingers burn into my wrist and I stop, looking down at his tattooed fingers. My eyes travel up his arm over his tan jacket until I meet his eyes.

“I was trying to help you.” He actually looks confused.

“Why don’t you get a dictionary and look up the word ‘help.’ Because I’m pretty sure it’s not to insult someone.” My anger is rising fast now, tears burn my eyes. “I’ve never met anyone as cruel as you.” I tell him, and he studies me for a moment before he gives me one curt nod and marches away. The stiffness in his shoulders makes guilt curl in my stomach. I continue to climb with my head down, not sure what I’m feeling.