CHAPTER TWENTY TWO

LAURA

 

I WALK SWIFTLY with Tai in one arm. My other hand is still aching. My mind is reeling. Craig nearly kissed me. That’s the part that keeps circling around my head. Craig wanted to kiss me. I’m smiling now. I wanted to kiss him so much. My stomach tightens at the thought of the kiss.

I reach the door that leads to the garden. It’s here I let Tai down, but she keeps circling my legs, brushing herself against me. “I’m sorry Tai.” I say, kneeling down and rubbing her. “You’re free.” I tell her, but she keeps brushing against me.

“Laura.” I give Tai one final rub before I turn to Rose. I knew Ava would report me and I’ll be honest about what happened.

“A word please.” Rose isn’t her normal happy self and I follow her to her office, this is my first time in it. Certificates, some very old and faded and others fresh, line the wall behind her desk. She sits down and shifts a mountain of files out of the way before placing glasses on her face. I never knew she wore them. My eyes get drawn to a plant on a porcelain pedestal in the corner. It looks thirsty for some water.

“Ava has made an allegation that you struck her.”

I’m sitting on a hard chair and find myself moving several times, my hand aches even as I try to rest it at my side. “I did, Rose. She attacked me, and I was defending myself.” I swallow as Rose moves to her computer and taps on the keyboard.

“Okay, you want to tell me the full story.” She looks at me over the rim of her glasses.

I nod and I tell her the full story, just not mentioning what hall I was in and where I was going.

“You said you were sick of people putting their hands on you. Would you like to talk about that?” My stomach twists now. The old part of me rises up and wants me to keep quiet about it. But the way Craig had looked at me after I had told him, made me realize it wasn’t my fault and I shouldn’t have to keep it a secret. What happened was wrong.

“It was a friend who I trusted. He tried to force himself on me.”  I shrug. “I don’t know it has never left me I guess. He didn’t get to do anything, but he was going to and that’s what’s scary.” I don’t allow myself to cry.

“How do you know he was going to?” Once again someone else was concerned when they heard what happened. My heart beats a little faster and I have to work harder at not crying.

“My sister, Violet, confronted him, and he broke down crying… saying he was sorry. He went to throw himself in front of a car, only she stopped him.”

I’m looking at the door now. My story feels like one lived by someone else a very long time ago. It doesn’t feel like my story. Speaking of Violet is making me shake and I feel so tired.

“Can I go to my room?” I ask Rose. I feel so tired now and it’s been a long day. Rose nods but doesn’t’ speak.

“Just keep away from Ava until we solve this.” I nod. I have no intention of going near her.

***

Back in my room, I close my door half way. If I close it fully one of the ladies who do regular checks will open it.

My diary is out and I itch to write.

I wonder what we must look like through the eyes of God.

Are we busy ants bustling away in our own hives? Oblivious to the next one, not caring what they do. Only one in a million will go against the grain, looking around, wondering what it’s all for.

Tiredness will move in like an old friend, eyes burn from tears spilt and pushed away too quickly. A pounding heart, pleading to fall back into rhythm, in fear it will shatter into a million pieces. You say I don’t care; your words cut too deep. I nearly broke once watching you but pieced myself together. Plastered on a smile just to make you smile, but when you did smile, all felt worthwhile.

You say ‘always the victim.’ God that hurts. Too much is taken and not enough replaces it. I try to push it away. I don’t want to be the victim. I fight that title every day.

She calms me, her blunt words. I want to be strong just like her. I want to see what my eyes won’t show me, to understand your hurtful ways. To make it logical so I can make it right. I will turn around and try to settle my squirming stomach, and I will prevail. I will not fall. I will not shed one more tear. I am not a victim, I am not weak. I will not go down without a fight.

 

Now I stare at what I wrote my eyes burn but I don’t let any tears fall. Instead my hand burns to write more.

Sometimes I fight faceless monsters, or I think I fight myself more each day, trying to understand who I am, trying to understand what I’m meant to feel, trying to understand how to fight another day.

I am nothing yet everything. I am at peace yet at war. I am broken but I am fixable. I am me. I am Laura.

Closing the book I feel more lost then I should. Some part of me is missing or locked away or… I can’t make sense of what I’m saying half the time or feeling. Thinking of Lucas has my skin itching.

I gather fresh clothes and take a shower.

 

It’s hard to sleep and I find myself outside again. It’s becoming a habit coming out here at night, but it gives me peace. My mind wouldn’t stop in my room and I find, out here under the night sky, it clears it a little.

I lie back in the grass, staring at the stars. I have started to count them but lose track too many times. Violet keeps me up again, along with Lucas and all my demons. I miss her so much. I smile now as my thoughts turn away from my sister. The smell of smoke is a comfort now.

“This is becoming a habit,” Craig says. I can’t see him but can hear his footsteps.

“I think you’re stalking me,” I smile up at the stars.

“Maybe I am.” Craig sits down beside me.

“Or maybe we are in a crazy house with nothing better to do.”

“That’s not it.”

Now I look at Craig; his serious tone has me sitting up slightly. “What is it then?” I ask.

“Meet Henry,” he grins.

“I’m confused.”

“My tom cat likes your pussy cat.”

My face blazes at Craig’s words. It’s how he says it. Laughter bubbles up my throat and I nudge Craig. He laughs and it’s a delicious sound.

“You better keep your tom cat in line,” I say lying back down.

“It’s your pussy cat that needs taming. She’s all over Henry.” I laugh again and look up at Craig who smiles down at me.

“My cat is a good girl,” I tell him still smiling.

“She pretends to be a good girl, but she’s just not that sweet.”

My stomach tightens. Butterflies erupt.

Were we even talking about the cats?

“Your tom cat pretends to be a bad boy. But he’s really sweet,” I find myself saying before clamping my mouth shut.

Craig’s pierced eyebrow rises. “He has his moments.” Craig leans in and the butterflies leave, bats enter. “But I don’t think you’re talking about Henry.” I lick my lips and inhale the smell of his cologne. I can’t speak.

“I wasn’t talking about your cat either.”

Craig doesn’t shy away. His focus is on my lips and I want him to kiss me so badly that it hurts. Earlier when he said he wanted to kiss me in the library I had frozen, I was shocked that he had wanted to kiss me. Now my nerves get the better of me and I look away and focus on the stars. My heart pounds heavily in my chest.

“I’m …” I want to say ‘not ready.’ I want to say ‘afraid.’ I want to say so much but I don’t.

“No please. That’s me being an asshole. I keep trying to kiss you.” I look at Craig now. I want him to. “We have a great friendship; let’s not ruin it.” I nod in agreement at his words. But my heart sinks. ‘I’m just not ready,’ I should have said, but the moment passes and the atmosphere shifts. Craig lights up another cigarette.

“You know those things are going to kill you, I thought you were cutting down.” I sit up now pulling my knees to my chest. Leaning my head on my knees, I look at Craig who now stares at the cigarette.

“I have cut back, it’s just harder than I thought.” I sit up straighter and smile at him.

“I’ll help you.”

“You’re getting too excited, my little control freak.” The grin he gives me has me smiling wider. “Well, my chain smoker. This control freak is going to help you quit,” Craig calling me his little control freak isn’t lost on me. Nor is me calling him my chain smoker lost on him. We smile at each other. This time he looks away. “Tomorrow,” he says finally.

“I’ll be ready,” I tell him.

“Be warned, I will be a pain in the ass,”

I snort. “You already are Craig.”

He pulls me into his side, startling a squeal from me. His arm is tight around me. Protective. I don’t move away but relax into his embrace. I close my eyes and enjoy the contact with him. When I look up at the stars, I think about Violet again.

Was she watching me?

‘If you can hear me, Violet. Don’t let him break my heart,’ I think hoping my silent prayer is heard. When I glance at Craig, he watches me, my cheeks heat.

Take a chance.

I could have sworn I heard Violet’s voice. I wait too long; Craig has started to turn away when I lean in. The kiss intended for his lips lands on his chin. I startle him, and he leans back, I nearly topple face first into the grass. This is humiliating.

Craig stops me from face-planting into the ground. His surprised laughter burns deep into me. “What was that?” he asks, the embarrassment has me glowing red.

“It’ was … I was trying…”  I look up at Craig lost for words and shrug. His smile disappears and realization dawns on him.

“Oh” he says. I humiliate myself and all he says is oh? “Do you mean you were trying to do this?”

I’m not ready for his lips touching mine, or how my heart nearly explodes. I don’t think I could have ever been ready for Craig. His hand is in my hair, the other at the back of my neck as he pulls me closer to him, breath bursts from my mouth as his tongue forces entry. Parts of me come alive and I grip his shoulders before sliding my tongue into his mouth as the groan he releases has me tingling.

My fingers run across his broad shoulders, the muscles move and shift under my touch. I pull myself closer to him, my breasts brush his chest and this time it’s me who moans into his mouth. His lip ring and tongue are cold, the contrast of our warm mouths has me pushing even closer to him, wanting more. It’s Craig who leans out and I release the death grip I had on his shoulders. His hands are still in my hair, our breath brushes each other’s lips.

“I don’t want to stop, trust me. But if we get caught here...”

I’m nodding but craving the loss of Craig now I want to know how it must feel to have his hands on my skin, to have him inside me. My cheeks redden at my thoughts. “We could go to the library.” I say.

Craig’s laughter is filled with surprise. “You little minx. I would be there already only it’s been locked. Desmond the dick has it all chained up.”

My disappointment is short lived as Craig lies back and pulls me with him, one arm is wrapped around my shoulder and I use it as a pillow. “We aren’t breaking any rules by stargazing.” He says with a grin. I don’t look up at the stars, I gaze at Craig the whole time. He never moves or stops me, but I know he knows I’m watching him.