CHAPTER FOUR

CRAIG

I SIT ON one of the large couches that were placed so everyone could see the TV. Different people had broken off into different groups. Virgin Mary, Michelle, Ava, and Michael sit across from me, all fighting over the remote.

I throw my arms out on the back of the couch and let my head slump back. Rain pelts the window behind me, the one that looks out onto the garden. If Laura is still out there, she’ll be soaked. I snort at my concern. What the fuck?

“What’s up, man?” Ethan suddenly thumps my thigh with his meaty hand, forcing my hands to protect my balls. He grins before sitting down beside me. Ethan’s the blond-haired, golden-eyed boy next door. Add in a lot of mammy issues and bad dress sense, and you got Ethan.

“Why weren’t you at Olivia’s group meeting?” I ask and his grin slips. I regret asking him anything. He better not give me a sob story.

“My parents,” he shrugs like it was no big deal. But it’s huge to him. He’s been in this shit hole for well over a year with no visitors. They were his ‘triggers.’

“Cool,” I say, hoping that’s it. But of course Fat Michelle can’t control her mouth.

“Sometimes I would love to punch you in the face.” The snarl on her lips makes her even uglier, if that’s possible. I look away from her. 

“It’s fine, Michelle.” The softness in Ethan’s voice makes me look at him. He’s turning into a bigger pussy than Michael.

“No it’s not, Ethan.” She attempts to fold her arms across her chest.

“What is it that you want, Michelle? Ethan to lick your nipples?” Yeah, that shit just slipped out of my mouth. She is pissing me off.

“Seriously, dude?” Ethan thumps the side of my leg; the force is felt.

Michelle jumps up and races through the room. It will take her a while to vacate the room with all that weight.  I give it five seconds and Virgin Mary will follow Michelle. It’s tragic, really.

She does. Bingo. But she glares at me first.

“Why are you always chasing the birds away?” Michael asks.

“Birds?” Ava questions. I agree with her questioning. They were a far cry from birds. Ava holds up her hand close to his face. “Don’t answer that.” She stands angrily.

If Michael fucked up my shag tonight, I will beat the shit out of him. Ava pauses before leaving and winks at me with a smile, one that I return. Once she’s out of earshot, I turn to Michael. “That one is on you.”

“I was so close to getting it on with Michelle.”

Bullshit.

“She’s color-blind, not completely fucking blind,” I tell Michael. He gives me the finger before lying back on the couch.

“My mother got so much older.” Ethan doesn’t sound like the Ethan I have come to know. His voice has softened, and it’s like he’s thinking out loud. His eyes are focused on his red sneakers. “It’s been a year,” I say and he looks at me. “I mean like ten years older.”

What the fuck could I say to that?

Bag him and tag him, she was his trigger.

I look to Michael, widening my eyes, while tilting my head slightly towards Ethan.  He sit’s up, getting the message. “I’m sure she hasn’t actually aged ten years.” He’s a moron. 

“You are that thick?” Ethan says. His anger is held in, I can see it by how he clenches his fists and sits slightly forward towards Michael. 

“He didn’t mean it like that, bro,” I say and he leans back, but his fists hold tight. “No I mean like you know, to you she looked older, but she wasn’t,” Michael continues to dig his hole.

“Shut the fuck up, Michael,” I say and he leans back, red-faced.

“Look, man. Maybe she gets what she did to you and shit like that changes people.” Ethan nods like what I just said made sense.

“Craig, a word.” Saved by Olivia-a-a-a, thank fuck.  Damn, she’s hot. She doesn’t dress like the other nurses and counsellors. She dresses like a real woman, skirt to her knees, high heels, and a white shirt. She even has her glasses on the tip of her nose.

“Of course Olivia,” I stand and wink at the boys, mouthing the word score. Ethan smiles and I feel relief, which doesn’t make sense. I don’t give a shit about him, I tell myself.

I follow Olivia to her office, my eyes watching her hips sway from side to side. She doesn’t have the best ass-a bit flat for me, but I’m the kind of man that will work with it and make the best out of a bad situation.

She closes the door before sinking into her chair. And crossing her legs under the table. Out of sight isn’t exactly out of mind. She nods at me.

“You got me alone. Now what?” She doesn’t smile like I thought she might.

“This behavior is inappropriate. I didn’t want to raise the issue in our group today, but it’s got to stop.” She doesn’t flinch.

“Sure.” I answer and now she fidgets, something Olivia never does.

“Just like that?” She questions.

I laugh. “Yes Olivia, just like that. I was only being polite, but if the shoe doesn’t fit...” She clears her throat, not looking very impressed. Did she think I would put up a fight? Women and their pathetic needs.

“How did it go today with Laura?” Now I sit up at her change in topic.

“Why?”  I question, rubbing my jaw. She tilts her head in only the way a counselor can. It’s the one that makes me want to rip their heads from their shoulders and say now tilt that shit.

“There is no need to get defensive, Craig. It’s very unlike you, actually. Did something happen?” She sits back in her chair, the back moulding around her spine for support. My chair is designed to do maximum damage to the spine.

“I’m not defensive.” I smile. “No, we had a good chat,” I add, still holding my smile.

“Oh about what?” Now I feel like Olivia is being pissy with me.

“I’ll keep that between me and Laura.” I stand up, pushing my hands into my pockets. “Is that all Olivia?” She doesn’t like being dismissed, but I wasn’t a child she could chastise or manipulate.

“That’s all, Craig. I’m looking forward to hearing all you have learned about Laura,” Okay, she was huffy. Was she jealous? I grin now. “It’s only been two hours. I’m good, but not that good. In a few weeks, I’m sure I’ll have every tiny detail about her life.”

“I’m sure you will.” Olivia sounds sincere about that.

“Rose is expecting you. See you at our next class.” She dips her head down and starts shuffling paperwork.

I leave Olivia’s office and make my way outside. It’s still drizzling, but I manage to get my cigarette lit. My gaze moves towards the tree; the garden is empty. The silence suddenly feels strange to me. Ducking back inside, I stuff my hands into my pockets along with my lighter and cigarettes and make my way to Rose.

I left one torture chair only to sit in another. Rose never smiles at me. She always has to do some kind of stare-off with me at first, before we begin. It’s part of our process. Neither of us lose, she just starts speaking and that’s when it ends.

“Last week we discussed people who made a negative impact in your childhood. This week I would like to talk about the people who made a positive impact in your childhood.”

“My granny. She was awesome.”

Rose’s eyebrows rise slightly. “You did mention her before. Is this your mother’s mother or your father’s?” Is this a trick question?

“Father’s,” I say, and lean back, spinning my story. The granny I create is from a film I watched as a child. I loved Mrs Doubtfire. It was a film I used to watch in a smoke-filled room. My mother and her friends would be too high to notice me. I was a scrawny child, who always sat on the ground against the side of the couch, un-noticed, and un-wanted. I would watch the film over and over again, until my mother came back from her high, antsy, and wanting more. I was there, her target. I didn’t tell any of this to Rose, I stuck with Mrs Doubtfire being my granny. Yeah I was Chris, Daniel’s son. I smile now.

“You sound very happy, Craig,” Rose smiles at me now, and that kills my happy moment. I force the smile back onto my face.

Don’t be a pussy. I tell myself and that’s what gives me a push to finish my story.

The session ends forty minutes later, after we focus on the positive feelings. I’m not feeling very positive when I leave her office and make my way outside. It pisses me off that she never sees through my bullshit-or if she does, she never calls me out on it. I’m not entirely sure which is worse.

 

I light the cigarette before the door even closes fully behind me, a violation according to one of their many non-smoking rules. Addictions and all that jazz.