CHAPTER ELEVEN

LAURA

 

I STOOD ON a frozen lake, steam rose from the water, all around me everything was still. There was something eerily beautiful about it. I didn’t move, just stood as frozen as the lake. Fear kept me rooted, yet I took in the sky that touched the lake a great distance away, no trees, no birds, no land and in the back of mind it told me – no hope.

I couldn’t see the cracks but felt the ice separate under my feet. Oh God, not like this. I didn’t want to die this way. Scenarios ran through my mind of me running across the surface, hoping it didn’t give way under me. If it did, I would fight my way to the surface. I would die of the cold because land was too far away. So I decided there that I wanted it over quickly. I would let the lake take me.

Then I woke up.

It was the morning I let Violet go. It was the morning I told a lie for the last time. I met my eye in the mirror, my heart thumped so hard, I had to look away. Maybe I was still dreaming?

“Laura.” My father called me from the door, his voice soft. Maybe I really was dreaming? But the moment I went down stairs and saw Thomas, Mary and my mother waiting, each one wrapped in their own grief I knew I wasn’t dreaming.

I moved when my family moved, we would stand united. I would help put on a show. Each step made my stomach feel queasy. I held my jaw stiffly keeping all emotion locked down. I was terrified if I started I wouldn’t stop. I wouldn’t stop until I was with my sister.

My eyes burned now at the title. I shoved it down, as the door closed behind us and my father locked it. A car waiting for us sat idling in the driveway.

The drive was over too quickly. I stood still, head held high as the hearse pulled up behind us, I couldn’t turn around and see a box. I swallowed the thought and closed my eyes against the harsh wind that started to blow. I thought I could hear her call my name, the wind carried it, my stomach tightened again, my heart starting to pound. I clenched my jaw tighter hearing my teeth grind together. A hand settled on my shoulder. I didn’t look but I knew it was my mother. She wore the same perfume every day.

I focused on the ground as we fell into formation behind the coffin. A hand slid into mine, smaller but familiar. It was Mary, but I had nothing to give her. The church became a blur. I shook hands, received hugs, watched too many unknown faces wipe away their tears.

I found myself looking into a hole in the ground as they lowered Violet to her resting place. All my monsters gathered around my shoulders as I let myself feel, it was brief, my body sagged, people closest to me inhaled loudly, someone caught me. “Laura,” I looked into the unknown face and blinked.

“What?”

My father took the place of the stranger. He linked his arm with mine, as I faced forward and the priest continued his speech. I was shaking from my father’s sobs. His turned my own emotions off.

This is for you, Violet. I told her, way too late. But I would not grieve with these people. I had no right to. We hadn’t lost, she had.

When my father had his fill of tears, and the crowds’ sympathy, he leaned into me, his breath irritating my neck. “You could at least cry, Laura,” he whispered before leaning out. I hated him already so why did his words hurt so much? Because I loved Violet, she was my everything and now she was gone. I yanked my arm from his. “No!”

The priest stuttered but picked back up.

“Don’t start.” The warning was delivered with a hidden squeeze to my arm.

“You can’t hurt me anymore,” I said once again pulling my arm back. I moved closer to Violet. “I’m sorry I let you down,” I told the box before turning away from her and walking straight past my father as he shouted for me to come back. My mother apologized to people saying I was overwhelmed. I was; she wasn’t lying but I couldn’t do this today. Mary’s cries pierced me, but I walked away, and I didn’t stop.

Now I bury myself deeper in the corner of the library. My lips tremble and I hold my hand to them, trying to stop the emotion that is rising up. It is like a wave and I know if it hits me I might not get back up. I squeeze my eyes shut, pushing Violet’s blue face from my mind.

A sob escapes causing tears that I can’t stop. I clamp my lips together, while slamming my fists repeatedly into the wooden floor. I stop only when they are red and bleeding. My soul bleeds too, for Violet.

“I’m so sorry,” I tell her out loud. It doesn’t really mean shit; she’s gone. A bitter laugh tears through me and I wipe my face with the sleeve of my sweater. I hate this place. I hate everyone in it.

It has been three days since we’d gotten back from the day trip at the mountains. Three days of avoiding everyone. I’m grateful for finding this place, but it is like I have found a part of me that I don’t want to remember.

My soul is changing, and I’m not sure what that means. I push all the emotion away and force myself to my feet. I need to get back to my room before anyone notices me missing.

No one notices. Of course they don’t. 

***

 

My lip stings as I continue to chew on it. Everyone is seated as we wait for Olivia to arrive. Quick glances towards Craig doesn’t go un-noticed. Michelle watches me, but I don’t care. Craig’s talking to Ava or  flirting would be more precise.

I stare at the pocket of his jeans where he has stuffed the list of things about me. I had written them up at his demand this morning. After such an emotional night, I don’t need his attitude. He had swung by like he had some say over me. Didn’t even look at me but told me to have the list ready.  I had been so pissed. I was glad with our arrangement not to spend time together. What annoyed me was the way he spoke to me. 

The taste of blood has me releasing my lip. He had also demanded that I type it up and not write it in sloppy handwriting. His insult had hurt; he had done enough damage without being a total asshole. Yet that list... I close my eyes against the nausea that rises inside me. 

“Good afternoon, everyone.” I open my eyes as Olivia arrives and Craig takes that moment to look at me and wink. Now I feel worse. Wiping my hands on my jeans does little  to help the sweat that pools in my palms. I look at Craig again, but he’s focused on Olivia. I need to get the note I had written from him. From his smiles, he obviously hasn’t read it yet.

“So who wants to start?” I bury deeper in my chair. My lungs burn, my head swims. I think about getting up and leaving the room slowly. I don’t think anyone would notice.

“Laura?” I look at Olivia, my heart pounds with alarm. Olivia smiles at me with encouragement. I look around the group, everyone stares at me. I focus on the ground. My stomach tightens; I’m going to be sick.

I swallow, hoping to push it down, and stand. The small applause from the group doesn’t help. I take the paper that Craig had given me in return from my pocket. I have already read it several times, but my mind is drawing a blank.

Opening it, I stare at his handwriting.

Someone clears their throat. I don’t dare look up.

“Craig–” I squeak. Stopping, I clear my throat. “Craig is friendly. He likes the color ‘turquoise,’” I leave out the part he has written in brackets, (because it’s the color of his eyes). “Craig smokes, likes football and music.”

Lame. I sound lame. The list is lame, but it’s five things just as Olivia asked for. I look up for the first time. Olivia smiles at me. Everyone gives a soft applause. I sit down, before I fall down.

“Craig,” Olivia speaks, and dread fills my stomach.