Chapter 26
Bailey
I arrived at the studio after I’d stopped by Gracie’s to get Leah and me an omelet for a late breakfast. We ate fast as she caught me up on what she’d been up to since she got back.
I wanted to be fully there for her, yet my heart kept most of my attention. I kept thinking about Darren and how I didn’t even want to be away from him for a few hours let alone a few months or another few years.
Leah soon noticed she didn’t have my attention. “Hello?”
I still hadn’t snapped out of it. “Huh?”
“Bailey, are you all right dude?” she asked. “You seem out of it.”
“I am out of it,” I admitted. “I’m driving myself crazy about it.”
“The record deal?”
“No,” I said without thinking. “Him.”
“Darren?”
“I can’t think of anything else. I’m fulfilled whenever I’m with him. I don’t feel uncertain about things.”
“Whoa, what are you saying?” she asked with widening pupils.
“I’m saying that I really want him, but I know I can’t have him, so I want to curl up into a ball and burst into flames.”
“That’s quite specific,” she said.
“Why did I let him come here?” I said. “It is going to suck so hard watching him leave. Even bringing it up makes me want to fucking cry. How pathetic is that? What am I doing? Am I a horrible person? Am I trying to hurt him? Or am I trying to hurt myself? I don’t know what to think.”
“Dude, you are tripping right now.” She laughed. “Want me to get you some water?”
“I have tea, thank you,” I said. “In all seriousness, though, I’m so glad he’s here, but I would feel a lot less stressed out if he wasn’t here.”
“Ah, true love,” she said sarcastically.
“I don’t mean it in a bad way,” I said. “It actually feels kind of good to freak out over a guy again. I don’t get that emotionally invested in boys anymore.”
“Hey, that ain’t no boy, and he isn’t just ‘someone,’” said Leah.
“You’re damn right about that,” I agreed. “He’s going out and looking around the city today. I’m hoping that he’ll see it isn’t as bad as he might think it is. He’ll like it here. He’ll like spending time with me. And he’ll get back into music, and we’ll release albums together under our own label.”
“Well, shit. How do you really feel about him?” she said. “Honey, you’re losing your mind. What is in that tea you’re drinking?”
“I want you to tell me what I should do,” I told her.
“About Darren or the contract?”
I shrugged. “Both.”
“When it comes to Darren, I’m afraid there’s nothing much for me to say,” Leah said. “You both are stubborn, and you will each live your half-lives instead of working a little to have a full life together. It’s like you both want to be miserable. Want my advice?”
“Please,” I begged.
“I say move to Nashville and bring his happy ass along with you there,” she said. “Nashville is ten times better than Memphis. Let’s be real.”
“I like it here.”
“Good for you,” she said nodding her head. “But, if I were you, I’d get a hold of my rising stardom and ride it somewhere better. Nashville isn’t far from here. The same state. The music scene is better there.”
“Subjective opinion,” I said dismissively.
“Nashville is a nicer starter place than here. A nice city to start a romance in and see if that’s the kind that could survive the type of hurdles that would come in an even bigger city than Memphis or Nashville. If things go right, you could easily be ready for L.A. or New York. Once you get to one of those cities, you might want to come to the party with a piece of man candy like him.”
“Why don’t you go out with him already?” I laughed.
“Don’t even ask. I’ll go wine and dine his ass right now,” said Leah. “But, come on. Nashville is a nice place to live. I’d think about it if I were you.”
“I have thought about it,” I told her. “I’ve imagined living with him in lots of other places around the world. I don’t even think it’s that he dislikes certain cities. I think he really likes living where he does. I can’t stand Rome, but he never had any complaints about it. With all the things I have in common with him, I can’t believe the one big thing we don’t have in common is basically the worst thing not to match on.”
“Do you have something against Nashville?” she asked.
“Not at all,” I said. “In fact, I think it’s a lovely city. It’s a little expensive for my taste, but it’s not terrible.”
“It will never be as bad as it gets in L.A. or New York,” said Leah.
“And, people are way nicer in Nashville than they are here,” I said. “Huh. Maybe moving to Nashville wouldn’t be such a bad thing after all. And, he’s probably got A/C money saved up for the house he’s got in Rome.”
“Yeah! There you go! Talk about it over drinks. Find a place. Pick out shower curtains. And have celebratory sex.”
“Leah.”
“What, like you aren’t going to have sex with him after you decide to move in together,” she said as her eyes rolled. “Don’t be a prude, bitch.”
I conceded, returning to an earlier train of thought I’d boarded.
“You know, there were a lot of times when I would date guys or hang out with them for a while, and they never listened to any of my music,” I said. “Sometimes I’d perform, and I could tell they didn’t really care what I was singing or what I sounded like. I’ve never doubted Darren’s sincerity. I really haven’t. When he tells me I could dominate the world, I believe him. I want to be with someone that makes me feel good like that. I want him so bad.”
“I know you do, honey,” she said condescendingly. “He beat you with the magic stick a few times, and now you think you’re head over heels for him. Don’t believe it.”
“There’s more to it than the wild, intense, hot sex that we have,” I said. “We’ve been compatible since we were kids.”
“I know that you two have a rich history,” said Leah. “But, you can’t just rely on the past, or be blinded by this version of the present that’s just a break from reality. Could you see an actual, healthy future with Darren?”
“Yes, I could,” I said without thinking.
“Wow,” she said. “Well, there you go. Then I think you should trust your instincts, superstar.”
“My instincts are being kind of bipolar at the moment,” I said. “On Darren and the record label. Do you have any sage advice for the instinctually challenged?”
“When it comes to Darren, listen to your heart,” she answered. “When it comes to signing that contract, listen to your mind. What do they say?”
I sat quietly, attempting to listen through the respective organs that Leah had pointed out. I meditated, deciding to speak despite having no direction or flow to what I was going to say.
“My heart is telling me a lot of things. Usually, it says to pursue things with Darren and try to compromise and get something to work. We’re both older now. Time has passed, and we have some money to play around with. Then, my mind starts chatting with the heart, reminding me of my dad and how I’ll never hear his voice again or hug him. Then, I become sad.”
I wiped away tears that were forming in my eyes. I rubbed my nose.
“My mind is telling me it’s possible that I’m only feeling this way because I’ve lost someone very dear and close to me, and I’m looking for warm, respectful affection to fill the void left by both of my parents. It’s also telling me that maybe I’m acting out from the missed opportunities we had repeatedly growing up and as young adults.”
“What does your heart tell you?” asked Leah.
“I want to be with him. I’ve wanted to be with him for a long time. Whether I’m sad over my father’s death or not doesn’t change the many years I thought about him, wondering if he was ever thinking about me. To know that he’s still holding onto feelings for me, too. Call me weak or childish, but it makes me feel like we’re—I don’t know—”
“Like you’re meant to be?”
I chose not to answer. “Do you think he’ll like Memphis?”
“I don’t know, sweetie,” she said. “Let’s focus on the contract for a bit.”
“Okay, well this is easier for me,” I said without skipping a beat. “I don’t want to sign it. I’m thinking no.”
Leah seemed taken aback by my decision.
“I’m sorry, Leah,” I told her. “I know there’s a big payday for us if we sign.”
“Forget about the money,” said Leah. “Bailey, I’m speaking to you as a friend right now, not as your manager. So trust me.”
“Okay. What words do you have for me, ‘Friend Leah’?”
“I want you to feel totally confident in who you put your faith in to help develop your explosive music career,” she said. “I hope that you’re making your choice based on your own opinion and not someone else’s.”
“I’m pretty sure I’m listening to me on this one,” I said.
“I don’t want to make you second-guess your decision, but I’m not sure if they’ll ever pester again if we say no,” said Leah. “I want to know with absolute certainty that you want to say no to this deal. What do you really want to do?”
I wanted desperately to have an answer that I’d rehearsed, but nothing felt certain to me anymore.
“We’ve received some interesting calls and letters lately,” she added. “If you say no to these guys, I’m sure another better group will take its place eventually.”
“You know what?” I said. “I made it this far in my career without a big music producer or anyone in the business helping me out. I can find something better. I will find something better. I just have to be patient.”
“Now, as your friend, I say that I’m glad you’ve seemed to have made up your mind,” said Leah with a thumbs-up. “However, as your manager, I am a little disappointed and nervous about the decision you’ve made. I’m even going to suggest that you wait until Monday to make your final decision. Our meeting with the producers is on Monday morning at ten.”
“Do you not think I can do better?” I asked her.
“I’m sure you could,” she replied. “But, our opportunity is here and now. You do know that if something better were to come along after you signed the contract, you just work through the terms you agreed to, then you part ways and sign the better deal. No rule says you have to keep one label your entire life.”
“That’s true,” I said. “And as for Darren?”
“I say invite him to go with you to Nashville tonight, then look for apartments together tomorrow,” said Leah. “That’s just me. Sad to say, but you’re sort of on your own here.”
I sat at the mixing board, editing and messing around with some of my songs and thinking. When I would make official decisions and not rely on some cosmic sign from beyond the realms of logic? All I knew right then was that the week that was to follow would be one of the most tumultuous weeks of my life.