J

 

It’s been thirteen days. Thirteen days to sit and do nothing except think and pray. I believe in God, but I haven’t been on good terms with him since I was old enough to realize I didn’t have a mother, that He took her from me. Call it resentment or jealously, but it is what it is. I am new to this praying thing. I have no idea if I am doing it right or if there is something you are supposed to say. I’ve done nothing but beg Him for Pop to be okay. I promised to change, show up at church, and quit swearing so much. I pleaded with Him, saying I needed Pop here with me, that He couldn’t have him. I said that he had too much to live for. I pretty much said whatever I could think of. I may be an adult, but I need him more than I ever thought possible. I’m not ready to lose him.

 

Whether I am naïve enough to believe my prayers were answered, or whether modern medicine did its job, the doctor finally has the news I have been dying for. Pop’s starting to wake up on his own. Once the swelling in his brain started to go down, they reduced the medicine holding him in the coma state. They keep saying he’ll wake when he’s ready. Well, I’m ready. I’ve been ready. There are so many things I need to say to him. I want to apologize, make him understand I was trying to protect him and the shop. Instead, I almost got him killed.

 

They told me a nurse would come into the waiting room shortly to let me know when I can go back to see him. Sitting on the couch, I place my head in my hands, tears falling to the floor. That’s how Nan found me.

 

“J, what is it? What happened? Is he…”

 

Looking up at her, I realize I just scared the hell out of her. Watching her face pale, I jump to my feet. “Oh shit. No, he’s fine. In fact, he’s better than fine. He’s waking up.”

 

She drops on the chair, holding her chest. “Jesus Christ, J. You gave me a heart attack. I thought something happened.”

 

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t even thinking about what I looked like when you walked in here. They don’t know what his condition will be when he finally wakes up. The doctor doesn’t think he’ll have any lasting damage, but he won’t know for sure until they do some tests.”

 

“I just need to see his eyes again. Know that he is in there,” Nan says, wiping her eyes. “You need to give him some time before you bear your soul. I know you feel guilt and pain, but he doesn’t need that kind of stress right now. Go easy, honey.”

 

After seeing him lying in that bed, knowing my actions put him there, I confessed everything to Nan. I thought she would hate me, be disappointed that I didn’t go right to Pop when everything happened. She wasn’t. She was more worried about me and what happened at the shop. She had a few words for Cole, as well, wanting to know why he didn’t say anything. I could see his surprise that I told Nan. I just couldn’t be locked into the guilt anymore.

 

“I know it’s too much for him right now, but I have to tell him eventually. I—”

 

“J, your dad is ready for your visit.”

 

I jumped when Wendy, the nurse, says my name. I rub my hands down my pants before I follow her down the hall. I have no idea what to expect, but when I walk into his room and see him looking exactly like he did on every other visit, I am confused.

 

“I thought Dr. Green said he was awake?”

 

“He is coming around slowly. The doctor thinks you may be able to pull him out completely. Just sit and talk like normal. You’ll see the difference.”

 

I pull the chair close and pick up his hand, kissing his knuckles. “Hi, Pop. How are you doing?” I pause, like I’m waiting for an answer. “Nurse Wendy and Dr. Green seem to think you are ready to join us again. I know you’ve needed a vacation, but this is the shittiest way to get one. I miss you, Pop. I don’t know how much longer I can keep coming in here, seeing you lying in this bed. I need you to wake up. I need that raspy voice yelling at me to get that job done faster. I need you, Pop. Please.” I sigh and put my forehead on our joined hands. Just like every other visit, I beg him to wake up, to come back to us.

 

Then I hear it. A soft moan. I freeze and hold my breath. This time when he moans, he squeezes my hand. “Pop, can you hear me?” I jump up, hoping I’ll get another hand squeeze or something, but I get nothing. “Pop, come on. You can do this. Squeeze my hand again, make a noise, something. Come on. Come on,” I say, ending in a whisper.

 

Wendy is sitting at a desk at the end of Pop’s cubicle, working on her laptop. She’s been his day nurse since he got here. “He’s been moaning off and on all morning. Don’t get frustrated, J. He’s coming back. Everything looks good. His vitals are strong. He’ll be back when he’s ready.”

 

I grit my teeth. “Wendy, I know you are trained to say that, but if I hear it one more time, I may just throat punch you.”

 

She laughs. “I know you’ve heard it over and over, but it’s true. When his mind is ready, he’ll be back. He’s looking good today. He is getting color back in his cheeks. What if I go get Nancy?”

 

I know she would want to see Pop, but I don’t want to leave him when he is so close to coming back to me. The face I make must convey what I’m thinking because she walks over to the next cubicle and talks to Steve, the nurse assigned at the next bed, then walks down the hall. When Nan follows her back, I am pretty sure she is breaking some sort of rule with both of us being here.

 

“She said he’s been moaning off and on,” Nan says as she walks to the other side of the bed.

 

“He was, but he doesn’t do it on command. He did squeeze my hand, but not when I asked him to. I guess I expected more when they said he was waking up.”

 

“He’s a stubborn ass of a man. If it isn’t on his time or his idea, it’s wrong. Of course, this wouldn’t be any different. Right, Darren? Come on. Fight. Fight to get back to her, to us.” She links her fingers with the ones sticking out of the cast on his arm. I watch as she bends down and whispers into Pop’s ear. I feel like I am invading a moment, something private. I watch her shut her eyes and place her forehead against his temple. I wonder if this is what her visits consist of.

 

I look away, giving her a moment, when Pop squeezes my hand again. “That’s it, you stubborn bastard. Fight,” Nan says.

 

I see Pop’s eyes moving back and forth under his eyelids. He’s fighting to come back.

 

That’s how the rest of our day went, begging Pop to wake up. Right before they were about to kick us out for the night, it happened. That wish, that prayer, that dream. Pop opened his eyes and looked around.

 

*

 

We stayed as long as we could in his room last night, but Pop was so confused and combative when he finally woke up, I spent another long night in the waiting room. Finally, around eight am, they tell me I can go back in again. Walking down the hall, I don’t know what to expect. The doctor says the head injury and the medicine can cause these symptoms.

 

Wendy sees me and gives me a huge smile. “Morning, honey. He is having a much better day. He’s been asking for you.”

 

“He has? That’s amazing. I was so worried.”

 

“He’s still a little confused, but coming around. I’m sure he’d love to see your smiling face.”

 

I pause at the glass and watch him lying there. For the most part, the bruising on his face has healed, just a few yellow and green spots remaining. As if almost sensing my presence, he looks toward the door.

 

“J-bird?” His voice is rough. It sounds like it hurts him to talk.

 

“Hi, Pop. How are you feeling?” I grab his hand and bend to kiss his cheek. I can’t hold the tears back.

 

“I’ve been better. They said I was in an accident. I can’t remember anything.”

 

“It’s okay, Pop. You were in a motorcycle accident.”

 

“How soon can I get out of here?” he asks Wendy, who has come in to check his vitals.

 

“You may be getting out of the ICU in the next day or two, but out of the hospital? That all depends on you. You need to do exactly as the doctors tell you.”

“Pop, listen to her and quit giving everyone a hard time.” Wendy winks at me on the way out. As much as I hate this place, I will miss her. She has taken such good care of Pop.

 

They let me sit with him for almost an hour. He asked the same questions repeatedly. I was really worried at first, but Wendy explained it was all part of his brain healing. His short-term memory was just taking a little longer to catch up.

 

“Where’s Nancy?” Pop asks.

 

“She’s in the waiting room. She hasn’t left since they brought you in. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get her to go home.”

 

“Can I see her?”

 

“Sure, Pop. They usually only let one of us in at a time. I’ll go get her.” I stand and look into his eyes. He may be a bit confused and a little groggy, but I can’t ask for anything more right now.

 

“I’ll be back in a little while. Okay, Pop?”

 

“J, I love you, but you need to go home and get some sleep. You look like shit.” And there he is.

 

I laugh. “Okay, Pop. Maybe a nap in a real bed will do me some good.” I bend and kiss his cheek again. “I love you, Pop. Please, don’t ever scare me like that again.”

 

“Love you, too,” he whispers, shutting his eyes. Since he’s woken up, he’s fallen asleep mid-sentence a few times.

 

I all but run down the hall to the waiting room. I scare the hell out of people as I burst through the door, Nan jumping from her seat. “Nan, he’s asking to see you.”

 

She starts crying. “He’s… He’s talking?”

 

“He’s a little out of it, but he’s back. He told me I look like shit and to go home.”

 

“Oh, sweetie. That’s fantastic.” She pulls me into a hug.

 

“Go see for yourself. I’m going to take Pop’s advice and go home to shower and sleep. I’ll be back soon.”

 

“I’ll stay until you get back. I am so relieved.”

 

“Me, too, Nan. Me, too.”

 

It feels like I’m finally able to release the breath I have been holding since I got Nan’s call. 

 

*

Pop has some headaches, but for the most part, he’s back to himself. He did go through a period of unbearable moodiness. I mean, Pop’s usually moody, but this was different. He was combative, refusing to do anything asked of him. No one wanted to be around him, including his nurses, but the doctor explained it was all part of his head injury and he needed time for his brain to heal. Thankfully, that was just what he needed. Now it is weekly trips to the rehabilitation facility so Pop can work on his leg with the therapist.

 

This has been the hardest month of my life. I am so happy Pop is back home. He is more like himself than he has been. He’s moody and cranky…and I am so happy to see it. I walk into the kitchen, setting down the ten grocery bags I have in my hands, since I refuse to make two trips. I rub my fingers as Pop limps into the room. That man refuses to use the crutches they gave him. He’s so damn stubborn.

 

“J-bird, just the girl I was looking for.”

 

“Pop, you should have your leg up.”

 

“I’m tired of having my fucking leg up. Look, I talked to Todd. He had some things to say about what has been going on since my accident.”

 

“Like what?” I say, taking the milk out of the bag and putting it into the refrigerator. Todd doesn’t know the specifics of what’s been going on, but he knows enough that this could be the awkward conversation I have been putting off since Pop woke up.

 

“Well, he seems to think I need to talk to you about my accident. That you and Cole know something I don’t. You wanna explain that to me?”

 

Fuck. Here we go.

 

I slowly shut the fridge door and turn around, taking a deep breath. “Pop, you may want to sit for this. It could take a while to explain everything.”

 

“I’m good,” he says, leaning on the island. “Start talking.”

 

If I am going to start this, I’m going to have to start at the beginning. “Do you remember Justin?”

 

“Of course I remember that little fuck. What’s he got to do with this?”

 

“I’m getting there, Pop, but if you want this story, you need all of it. When Justin and I were together, it wasn’t good. In fact, I lost a lot of myself in that relationship. It wasn’t what I thought it was. He wasn’t who I thought he was. He made me… There were things I didn’t want to do. Things said…”

 

“Did that little fuck hurt you? I’ll kill him.” Limping, he starts pacing back and forth.

 

“It doesn’t matter.” There is no way Pop is getting all the details of that catastrophe. “Let’s just say things didn’t end on good terms. Regardless, he apparently got himself hooked up with the DiMarcos. Cole and I figured out that the money missing from the shop has something to do with them. They have threatened me, you, the shop. I thought I could handle it, could take care of it on my own, but it became too much. Cole went to his friend Asher, who is a detective. The DiMarcos found out and promised me something was going to happen. I swear, I never thought they would go after you. I thought he’d come after me again. I’m sorry. I should have told you. I should have warned you. I’m to blame for you almost dying. It’s on me, Pop.” I brace my hands against the island, dropping my head. I can’t even look at him right now. I can’t imagine what he’s thinking.

 

After what seems like forever, Pop speaks. “You said ‘again’… You thought he’d come after you ‘again’. What does that mean? When did he come after you?”

 

Fuck. I drop my elbows onto the island, pushing my hands into my hair. When I look up at Pop, his face is red, his expression angry. “Pop, that’s not important.”

 

“Goddammit, Jocelyn Jane. You’d better start fucking talking right now!”

 

First and middle name… Shit.

 

“The break-in at the shop wasn’t random. I was there, working late. I had the radio on and never heard someone come in. I was in a bad way when Cole found me the next morning. He came in early to finish one of the plows. I asked him not to tell you.”

 

Pop grabs a coffee cup off the counter and throws it into the sink, sending ceramic pieces flying. I step back. I’ve never been afraid of my father, but I know I’ve disappointed him, which is worse.

 

“I don’t know who you think you are, J. I own that shop. Me. If there is a problem, it’s up to me to fix it. Not you. For you to keep this from me… I taught you better than that. I’ve been driving myself fucking crazy trying to figure out where that money went. Who could have taken it… Why they took it… But you’ve fucking known?”

 

He pulls at his goatee. “Wait a second. Todd said there was a mechanical issue with the bike. I’m willing to bet you and your little friend, Cole, know what that is. Am I right?” I nod. “Words, J. Now is not the time to keep more shit from me.”

 

“Yeah, I know what caused the accident. Someone drained your oil when you were at the bar. The engine seized. Pop, I’m s—”

 

“J, if you say sorry one more fucking time, so help me…” He limps past me and heads to the liquor cabinet. “I need some time to process all this. You need to go.”

 

“Pop?” I say. He turns back to me. I can see the anger written all over his face. I watch the vein in his forehead throb. I can honestly say I have never seen him this mad at me before. “I know you’re angry, but you can’t mix your medicine with alcohol.”

 

He ignores me. “I want you, Cole, and Todd here at eight am. We are getting to the bottom of this shit once and for all. I want to know everything, and I mean every…fucking…detail. J, it’s best you remember I don’t do well with secrets. Now, get out of my sight.”

 

As I close the door behind me, I realize my father just kicked me out of his house for the first time in my life. I feel alone and lost. I need to give Cole a heads-up before he gets a text from Pop.