J

 

After four days unconscious and three awake, I am finally released. Pop decides that having me close is in everyone’s best interest. The only option I have is staying at his house. I could have stayed in my childhood bedroom, but the thought of being alone scares the hell out of me. I don’t voice that, but I think Pop knows. He makes up the couch for me, like he used to when I was little and sick.

 

My entire body is bruised and sore. The good news is I won’t have any lasting damage to my throat. The doctor is confident the hoarseness to my voice will subside as soon as the swelling goes down. I don’t have a big appetite right now, but I’m limited to soft foods or liquids anyway, which sucks. But at least I’m home.

 

Neither Pop nor Cole ever ask what Justin did to me. Pop doesn’t want the details so he can’t picture it. He is content to know I’m okay and Justin’s dead.

 

Justin’s dead. That thought still stops me in my tracks. Did I love him once? I thought I did, but the man who had me chained to wall and beat me almost to death wasn’t the same man I once knew.

 

“J-bird, do you need anything?”

 

“Maybe some tea, please.”

 

“Sure thing.” I see Pop fussing around the kitchen. I don’t even want the tea, but he needs to do something so he stops hovering.

 

The door bangs open, making me jump. Pop reaches for the gun now permanently attached to his hip.

 

“Jesus, J. You scared the shit out of me,” Jules says, hurrying across the room and almost throwing herself on top of me. I put my hands out to stop her before she hurts me. Her eyes go wide when she sees my bruised face. She stops herself and plops on the coffee table.

 

“Julie Henderson, do not enter this house like that again. That is one sure way to get your ass shot.”

 

She looks up, startled at Pop’s harsh voice. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think. I just needed to get to J.” Her eyes tear up.

 

“Giving me a damn heart attack. What the hell is a matter with you?” He continues fixing my tea.

 

“Wait a minute.” She stands, putting her hands on her hips. “You are yelling at me? How is that fair? You’ve had days to come to grips with this. I just fucking learned this morning she was missing, beat, and rescued. You kept that from me.”

 

He raises an eyebrow, listening to her. It wasn’t Pop’s decision not to tell her. It was mine. He walks over, wrapping an arm around her shoulders, pulling her into a hug and kissing the top of her head. “You have every right to be upset, but don’t you barge into this house like that again. I’m sorry, we should have told you, but J thought—”

 

She looks down at me, anger and hurt in her eyes. “Wait. It was you who didn’t want to tell me? I’m your best fucking friend. I’m family.”

 

“I’m sorry, but I couldn’t deal with anything more while I was in the hospital. Jules, honey, I love you, but you can be exhausting on a good day. If it makes you feel better, we didn’t tell anyone.”

 

“This is twice, J, and I’m exhausting? Really? I’m the one constantly worrying about your ass. You’ve been beaten up twice, but I’m the last to find out? This is bullshit. How could you do that to me?” She walks over and sits in the recliner, crossing her arms over her chest. I know that look. She’s pouting.

 

“I’m sorry, but pissing you off wasn’t first on my list of things to worry about. I love you and you are family, but this wasn’t about you. I almost died. Justin did fucking die. I’m dealing with a lot here, Jules.” I fall back onto the pillows, exhausted. This is exactly why I did what I did.

 

“What? Justin’s dead? You killed him?” she asks, looking at Pop.

 

“I wish I had killed that little fuck, but no, I didn’t. Seems DiMarco made sure none of his trade secrets got out.” Pop sets the tea on the coffee table and kisses the top of my head. “You good?”

 

“Just tired.”

 

“Julie, you know I don’t care if you stay, but J really needs to sleep,” Pop says, crossing his arms over his chest, waiting for her to give him attitude. I don’t want to kick Jules out, but I think Pop completely gets the fact she’s exhausting me.

 

“Can I just sit here a while? I won’t talk. I promise,” she begs.

 

I close my eyes as she and Pop continue to have a quiet conversation about me and what happened with Justin. I really do feel bad I hurt Jules. I’ll have to think of something to make it up to her.

 

*

 

It feels like I’ve only slept for minutes, but when I open my eyes, I see it’s already dark. I hear Pop moving around the kitchen, a metal spoon scraping the bottom of a pan. I can smell he’s made something. My stomach flips when I even think about eating. I pull the blanket up to cover my nose. I am trying to block out the smell of food while simultaneously trying to go back to sleep. I slowly turn onto my side and face the recliner, opening my eyes again, seeing boots. I don’t think they belong to Jules. I stare at the chair, watching it rock slowly. A clang in the kitchen makes me jump a bit, the chair swiveling toward the noise. I look up, Cole’s eyes meeting mine.

 

“Hi,” he almost whispers.

 

“Hi,” I reply as I watch him watching me. Nothing else is said. We stay like that until Pop says he’s taking his dinner to the garage because he’s got “shit” to do.

 

“How are you feeling?” Cole asks.

 

“Sore, tired, tired of being tired. When did Jules leave?”

 

“A couple hours ago.”

 

“I need to talk to her. She’s so mad at me because no one told her what was going on.”

 

“I talked to her when I got here. She’s not mad at you, J. She was scared. Scared she was going to lose her best friend. If I’m being honest, I was scared she was going to lose her best friend, too.” He turns the chair to face me, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees.

 

I cover my face with the blanket. It’s like when a child thinks if they can’t see you, you can’t see them. My shoulders shake as I silently cry.

 

“I hate this, J. I hate not being able to touch you, comfort you. Every cell in my body is shaking to pull you to me, but my brain knows you can’t handle it right now.”

 

“I know. Don’t you think I want to fall into your arms? Don’t you think I want your comfort right now? I do, but what I went through fucking sucked. I thought I was going to die in that shed. I was beaten, forced to piss in a bucket while Justin’s buddy watched, almost raped. It’s going to take me time. Time to be able to look at myself in the mirror without being fucking disgusted. Time for my brain to realize it’s you touching me, not him.”

 

Cole moves to sit on the coffee table. His jaw is clenched and hands fisted. “I wish I could bring that fuck back to life to kill him again. I don’t care how DiMarco took him out. It will never be cruel enough for me. What he did to you… God, J. It was horrible. I have all the time in the world, baby. Whenever you’re ready, I’ll be here…if you still want me.”

 

“The selfish part of me wants to ask you to just be here with me, but I have nothing to offer. I can’t ask you to wait for me to get my head straight.” I wipe away the tears that have fallen.

 

“That’s the thing you don’t seem to understand. I’m not waiting for you to ask. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll sit with you for as long as you need, until you tell me you are done with me.”

I nod. I don’t know if I’ll ever be over this. For Cole’s sake, I pray I can figure out what the hell is wrong with me and fix it. He deserves better than this.