Cole

 

“Maybe we shouldn’t be doing this,” she says, pulling her shorts up her hips.

 

“Doing what exactly?” Apparently, she isn’t coming back to lie down. I get up to find my shirt.

 

She aggressively shoves her arms into her sleeves, pulling her tank top over her head. “I don’t know. This.” She waves her hand between us. “We shouldn’t be together, Cole. We don’t know anything about each other. And what we do know just isn’t enough. You expect me to put it all out there, but you give me nothing.”

 

“Jesus Christ, J. Next to my sister, you know more about me than anyone. What do you want to know that I haven’t told you?”

 

“I want to fucking know about your past, Cole. You know, that one thing you can’t trust me with? I’m good enough to fuck whenever you want, but not to know your past? I’ve done the secret thing before, remember? And I got fucked over big time. I won’t give my heart to a fucking liar.”

 

“What the fuck? Now I’m a liar? You need to slow your roll, cupcake. I didn’t fucking lie about anything. What is this? You in the mood to fight? Or were you actually starting to give a fuck and it scared the shit out of you?”

 

“Cupcake?” She flips me off. “Fuck you, Cole.”

 

The more she throws accusations at me, the more pissed I get.

 

“Fuck me? Fuck you, J. How dare you compare me or what I thought we had to Justin? But, hey, that’s cool. I get it.”

 

“You get what?” she says, throwing her hair over her shoulder as she turns to me.

 

“You, J. You’re scared. Fuck, so am I, but the difference between us is I’m not ready to run out on this. I’m not going anywhere. You are making my past a huge issue. You want answers? Fine. You know I was in prison. I beat my stepfather almost to death. I have regrets over that. Not because I almost killed him, but because I didn’t. He deserved to die. Is that what you need to know?”

 

I pause at the information Cole has just thrown at me, but I am so mad at what he isn’t saying. “No, Cole. What I want to know is why you have nightmares. Why you feel like you can’t share your past with me? Maybe I thought I meant more. I don’t know. I think you need to go, Cole.”

 

I jam my feet into my boots. Nothing I can say at this point is going to make that much of a difference when she’s in this mood. I walk to the door where she is standing, holding it open.

 

“Is this what you want, J? You want me to walk away?”

 

“I think it’s for the best, Cole. I can’t…not with secrets.”

 

“So because I won’t tell you why I sometimes have nightmares, you are going to walk away from me, from us? Maybe it’s not something I want to talk about. Did you ever think of that? Not with you or anyone. I’m an asshole, J. It’s who I am. I won’t talk about this with you. It doesn’t have anything to do with you, yet you are making a big deal out of it.”

 

“See, that right there. That’s why I am telling you to walk away, Cole.”

 

I walk through the door just before it slams at my back, barely missing me. Stunned, I stand there for a minute. I didn’t know I was screaming out during the nightmares. I knew they were back, but I thought I had a grip on them. I guess I’m not as good of an actor as I thought. Sighing, I walk to my truck.

 

I watch her apartment in the rearview mirror as I back out of the parking space and pull onto the road. I keep watching as the building gets smaller, finally disappearing into the darkness. I had hoped she would come out after me.

 

“Fuck!” I yell.

 

Did that seriously just happen? She’s mad over something that has nothing to do with her?

 

As soon as I pull into the driveway and park, I’m out the door, slamming it behind me. I storm through the front door, then take the steps to my bedroom two at a time. I look at the clock and see it’s only been an hour since I was buried balls deep in J’s throat. Now I’m trying to figure out how to fix this fucking mess without having to give her details of the nightmare I lived for so long.

 

I call the only person I know who can help me right now. I know it’s late and she is going to be pissed.

 

She finally answers after the third ring. “Hello?” Her voice is rough with sleep.

 

“Monk, I’m sorry it’s late, but I…I fucked up and don’t know to fix it.”

 

“Cole, what happened?” She instantly sounds alert.

 

“I messed up. J asked about my past and the nightmares and I blew it off. I couldn’t tell her. I know I should, but I don’t know how.”

 

“Why can’t you tell her?”

 

“That’s what I don’t understand. Maybe I’m afraid she’ll think less of me, that I won’t be man enough for her. I know it’s dumb. Trust me. I hear how stupid it sounds coming out of my mouth.”

 

“How long have you been having the nightmares?” I hear the rustling of the sheets. I know Belle is settling in to have a conversation she’s been begging to have for years.

 

I make my way down the steps again and to the living room. I sit on the couch in the dark room, staring at the wall. I don’t want to have this conversation right now, but I started this. When Stan was arrested, I thought the nightmares would stop. If anything, they got worse. I honestly thought once the monster was caged, I would be free. I rub my hand over my head and shut my eyes.

 

“It’s been a while.” I blow out a breath I didn’t even know I was holding.

 

“What’s a while, Cole?”

 

“Belle, I don’t…” Before the words are out of my mouth, I know if I don’t want to lose J, I need to talk about it. “I’ve been having nightmares since I was twelve, when this all started. It’s not all the time. Stress seems to bring them on. When I think about Katy, they’re always worse. When Stan was arrested, I thought they would stop, but they haven’t.”

 

“Oh, Cole, I’m so sorry. My heart breaks for you—”

 

“I don’t need your fucking sympathy, Belle. That’s not what this is about. I need to get this out of my head. I’m done letting that motherfucker rule my life. It’s been too long. I can’t let my past ruin my future. I have built a good life here.” I know I’m being harsher than I need to be. I know she’s just trying to help, but this is why I never wanted to tell anyone about the past.

 

“It’s time you talk to someone who can help you. I know you will never forget, but they can help you move on. I’m going to text you the number of a therapist. He’s a friend. Trust me, Cole. He will understand what you are going through. You are not any less of a man. You are one of the strongest people I know.”

 

I know she’s right. “Yeah, okay.”

 

“If you are serious about J, you need to get your head straight, big brother. I know you are going to get off the phone with me and say you will call in the morning, but you won’t. Please, call right now. He has a voicemail and will call you first thing in the morning. You need to do this, Cole.”

 

“Send me the number. Thanks, Belle. I love you.”

 

“I love you, too, and I am so proud of you.”

 

“Yeah. Thanks.”

 

I hit the END button, disconnecting the call. I’m losing my fucking mind and she’s proud of me? Oh, the irony. The phone beeps with an incoming text.

 

 443-267-2243. CALL NOW!

 

She knows me so well. I know if I don’t do this right this moment, I won’t.

 

I type in the number and my thumb hovers over the CALL button.

 

Fuck it, I think and push it.