J

 

I lie on the dirty mattress, bloody and broken. Justin beat me until I blacked out, then I came to and he beat me until I blacked out again. I heard Cole’s voice in the darkness telling me to fight. I don’t know that I have any more fight left in me, though. My right eye is so swollen, I can’t even open it. Each breath feels like knives stabbing into my side. I was able to roll to my side and pull my knees up. The fetal position makes it hurt less. I don’t know how much more I can take. If he comes back again, I have no doubt he’ll kill me.

 

The tears won’t stop. I cry because everything hurts. I cry because I’m in this situation. I cry because I gave up something that could have been amazing. Cole didn’t deserve the words I said. I was scared. He was the best thing for me and I let him go. I cry because Pop will be alone. He can’t handle someone else being ripped from his life.

 

The fight I thought I had in me is non-existent. I fooled myself into thinking I was this tough, bad ass chick. I’m not. I know that now. I’m scared, I’m lonely, and I don’t want to die this way.

 

The door to the shed opens, banging against the wall. I scoot back as far as I can, putting my arms over my head. I can’t take another blow there. I need to stay conscious.

 

“I got her, Darren! J, baby, it’s me. You’re okay. I got you.” Cole’s voice sounds just like it did in my dreams. I don’t know if I’ve blacked out again or if he’s really here. He can’t be here, can he?

 

“Cole?” My voice is hoarse and sounds nothing like it normally does. My throat burns at the effort to get his name out.

 

“Baby, I’m here. I got you.” I feel his weight move the mattress. I can barely make out his face as he looks me over.

 

“Justin…”

 

“Shh, we know. We got him and his buddy. Just relax. Help is on the way.” He moves a piece of hair off my forehead. I wince at his touch. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, baby.”

 

“J-bird…”

 

I hear Pop break down in the doorway of the shed. I feel Cole move my arm, releasing the cuff from my wrist. I don’t know if it’s because of my injuries or the knowledge I don’t have to fight for my life anymore, but I relax into the darkness, letting it take over.

 

*

 

I wake with a start, excruciating pain shooting through my side. I gasp and look around the room. Cole jumps from the chair at the side of the bed. “You’re okay. This will help,” he says, pushing the button on a cord attached to one of the many machines at my bedside. “It’s pain meds. Give them a second to work. Breathe through the pain.” He demonstrates slow, even breaths. I watch him and follow his lead. Slowly, the pain starts to go from sharp and unbearable to dull. “You okay?”

 

I barely move my head, giving him a slight nod. There is so much I want to say, so much I need to say, but I don’t have the energy to open my mouth. I’m exhausted. I have never been this tired in my life. I just want to float back into the darkness. It’s safe there, painless. I try to fight my eyelids from closing, but they win the battle, carrying me away.

 

*

 

I don’t know how long I’ve been in the hospital, but every time I wake up, Cole and Pop have been here to tell me it is okay and to hit the button, bringing the blissful darkness. In the darkness, I don’t have to think about what Justin did to me.

 

After what feels like only minutes, I open my eyes to an empty room. The quiet scares me. The only sound is the beeping of the machine behind me. I stare at the ceiling as memories flood my thoughts. Justin on top of me, Justin hitting me, Justin squeezing my breasts so hard, I thought they would burst.

 

The door opens, a cheerful nurse carrying an iPad walking in. “Well, hello. It’s about time you wake up.”

 

Fuck you and your cheerful self. Instead of saying the words I want, I clear my throat that still hurts like hell. “Where’s my dad?” I rasp out.

 

“I sent them down to eat. Neither one of those men have left your bedside in days. They need to keep their energy up.”

 

“Days?” I’m confused. It seems like I’ve only been here for hours.

 

“Jocelyn, do you know what day it is?” she asks, her voice serious as she types into her iPad.

 

“Um… I have no idea.”

 

“It’s Wednesday, the eighteenth. You were brought in on Sunday, honey. It’s been four days of you fading in and out of consciousness. I’m sure the meds played a big part, but your body needs rest in order to heal.”

 

“J-bird. God, it’s so good to see those fucking eyes open,” Pop says as he and Cole come through the door.

 

“I’ll leave you to visit. The doctor will be around soon.” She nods, then heads out of the room.

 

“Hey, Pop.” I clear my throat again, swallowing slowly, wincing.

 

“It’s so good to see you awake. No need to talk. The doctor said your throat will be sore for a while,” Pop says, sitting in the chair beside me.

 

“Why?” I have no idea why it hurts so damn bad.

 

“Justin choked you, baby. The pressure injured your vocal cords and caused some swelling. The doctor doesn’t think there will be lasting effects, but he’s taking every precaution right now.” Cole rubs his hand on my forearm that isn’t covered with a white bandage. Without meaning to, I flinch at his touch. I see the flash of pain cross his face, but he covers it quickly. “Would you be more comfortable if I left?” he asks, almost timidly.

 

“I’m sorry, Cole.”

 

“I’ll go. I’m sorry, J. Have Darren call me if you need anything.”

 

He moves toward the door. The thought of him leaving has me panicking. I don’t want to be without him, but my mind can’t seem to understand that he is the one touching me, not Justin.

 

“Please, don’t go. I need…”

 

“Are you sure, J? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. You need to heal.”

 

“Please,” I rasp out. The pain in that one word has me grabbing for my throat.

 

“I’ll stay, but no more talking.”

 

I nod, but I’m not done getting information from them.

 

Justin? I mouth.

 

Cole looks to Pop. Something in that look has goose bumps rising on my skin.

 

Tell me.

 

Cole pulls over another chair and sits. “Justin was taken into custody. He was interviewed briefly before being taken to get medical care. Asher’s CI told him he was there when Justin was killed. His death was messy and he suffered until the end. DiMarco knew he had too much information, which he would have traded for a lighter sentence. There was no way they could let that happen.”

 

Justin’s dead?

 

I don’t know how I feel about that information. It almost feels like a boulder sitting on my chest has been lifted.

 

I’m afraid to hope this nightmare is over.