Cole

 

It’s been a little over three weeks since J got out of the hospital. I would love to say things are better, but they aren’t. She still isn’t comfortable being touched, especially by me. I don’t know the exact moment I fell in love with her, but watching her inner battle breaks me. She’s trying hard to get back to a normal existence.

 

The mess at the shop isn’t any closer to being resolved, either. After J was found, Asher was placed on an important case and has been unreachable, making Darren lose his mind. Asher never got the chance to tell him what he knew before he left on his case.

 

I’ve been seeing Dr. Cooper twice a week since the night I made that call. He called me the next morning. I was in his office an hour after that. I hate every minute of it, but it is one of the best decisions I have ever made. He understands, just like Belle said he would. I’ve learned a ton about myself through all of this, but I am nowhere near done. The nightmares are still there, but are getting a little better. Stan was held over for trial. The prosecution team contacted me last week, asking about what happened when I was younger, then asked if I would testify. I think it’s going to be hard, but to make the man pay, I know I have to do it. Also, like Dr. Cooper says, it forces me to tell J. Not that I wouldn’t tell her, she’s a big reason I wanted to get help, but it just gives me a deadline.

 

Things between us are as strained as ever, but I refuse to give up. J is still staying at Darren’s. She is not quite comfortable being home alone just yet, which I don’t think anyone faults her for. She has been to the shop once this week, but only for a few hours. She’s been having headaches and blurred vision. With the concussion, her doctor said it’s something that can last a few months, so she started going to rehab to speed up her recovery. She hates it, but she knows that’s the only way she’ll get back to the shop sooner. I sit with her as much as possible, even if it’s just to watch television or sit quietly. Sometimes we talk, but it’s mostly about the shop, the guys, or workouts. We need to talk about things, and I have taken it upon myself to make today the day.

 

I knock on the front door and hear Darren yell, “Come in.” I open the door, expecting to see J sitting in the living room. Empty.

 

“Hey, it’s me!”

 

If Darren didn’t yell, I wouldn’t think anyone was here. The place is spotless, thanks to J’s restlessness. I know she and Darren are driving each other mad.

 

Darren walks down the hall, a towel wrapped around his waist. “I can’t even get a fucking shower in peace and quiet anymore.”

 

“Sorry. I would have called, but I assumed J would be here. Where is she?” I say, a hint of panic in my voice.

 

“Calm down. She’s with Jules. They just left to go grab some dinner. J has been feeling caged and needed some time away from me…and you.”

 

“Me? What the fuck?”

 

“I know you are trying to help, but she’s feeling suffocated, Cole. She feels horrible that what went on is causing issues in your relationship.”

 

“Darren, I’m not pushing her. I know she needs time, and I am willing to give it to her, but I don’t want to be away from her. The fact she’s out with Jules scares the hell out of me.”

 

“I know, but you have to back off some, give her some breathing room.” He pulls the towel tighter around his waist. “I’ll tell her you stopped by and have her call you.”

 

“Yeah, do that.” I walk out the door, feeling like an ass. I thought she wanted me around. I didn’t realize I was suffocating her.

 

As I pull my truck down the driveway, I see Nan’s car turning in. I slow as I pass, giving her a wave. When she waves back, I can see her cheeks redden. No wonder Darren was pushing me out so fast. Darren still won’t admit there is something between them. It’s a shame. Nan thinks he hung the moon, but he treats her like a side piece. She deserves better.

 

Jesus, listen to me. I don’t have time to worry about Darren’s relationship with Nan. I have my own shit to take care of.

 

*

 

Later that night, my phone rings. I’m surprised to see J’s name on the screen. “Hey.”

 

“Were you sleeping?”

 

“No. I am just lying on the couch watching the baseball game. How was dinner?”

 

“It was nice. Jules and I had a lot to talk about. She’s still mad at me for everything. We aren’t completely back to normal, but it was nice to get out.”

 

“That’s good. I know she understands. She’s just hurt. She is making you work for it, though.” I laugh. “I thought she would have given in by now.”

 

“I’m sure the fact I paid for dinner out of guilt helped her.” She laughs. God, it’s the best sound. I miss it. She used to do it so freely, throwing her head back and laughing with everything she had. Now, just this small laugh is like gold.

 

“I miss that sound,” I whisper.

 

“I miss laughing. I feel like everyone is walking on egg shells around me and it’s driving me nuts. Yes, I have shit to work through, but I am still the same person.” Her voice rises the more she talks.

 

“What are you doing right now? I want to take you somewhere. Any chance you’d be up for a ride with me?” I hold my breath, not knowing if she’ll agree after what Darren told me earlier.

 

“I’d love to go for a ride with you, as long as you stop pussyfooting around me. For me to get better, I need everyone to be who they have always been. I’m tired of being treated with kid gloves.”

 

“You got it. I’m going to jump into the shower, then I’ll be over.”

 

I rush to get ready. She doesn’t want to be treated with kid gloves? She’s about to get exactly what she asked for.

 

*

 

“Where are we going?” she asks from the passenger seat of my truck.

 

“Where we can talk.” I look over at her and wink. That answer seems to keep her content…until we are about ten minutes from our destination.

 

“Cole, seriously. Where are we going? We have been in the truck forever.”

 

“J, it hasn’t been forever. It hasn’t even been thirty minutes yet. I just need ten more minutes and one stop, then we will be there. Can you hang in there that much longer?” I see her fidgeting in her seat.

 

“Yeah, I’m good.”

 

I reach over the console timidly and take her hand. She watches as I intertwine our fingers. I wait for her to pull away or yank her hand from mine, but she doesn’t. She instantly stops fussing and looks out the window. It may be small, but I feel like I won the freaking World Series.

 

I run into the convenience store, grabbing us both a bottle of water. For the talk I am about to have with J, I need something much stronger than water, but I also need to keep a clear head.

 

I pull my truck into a gravel parking lot. There are a few other cars parked around. It’s not packed, but not deserted, either. She sits up and looks around, trying to figure out what we are doing here.

 

“The park? You brought me to the park?”

 

I laugh at the look of confusion on her face. “Yeah, I brought you to the park.” I point out the windshield to a basketball court. “See that court over there? Growing up, that’s where I used to play ball. When I had to get out of the house, I would come here and play a pickup game with whoever was on the court. I used to bring Belle here to swing. We moved about two blocks that way.” I point out the back of the truck.

 

“Why did you bring me here, Cole?”

 

“Let’s go over there and sit on that bench.”

 

Once we get out of the truck, I hand J her bottle of water. My heart is thumping in my chest. Dr. Cooper seems to think this will help. I know it will help what’s between us, but I’m still scared to death she will think less of me.

 

J sits and waits for me to join her. I just stand there, looking down at her. This could be the end. She could walk after this. I am prepared for that possibility. Hell, I almost fucking expect it. I’ll never get my fill of looking at her. She has on black leggings, flip flops, and a green Turtle Bar t-shirt, hair up on top of her head. She’s comfortable and looks amazing. I have never seen her look more beautiful than she does right now.

 

With a sigh, I sit next to her. “Growing up, I used to spend a lot of time here. Before my mom started dating Stan, I’d come here. Back then, we lived about six blocks that way.” I point into the distance. “The babysitter would bring us here to get us out of the small house. The house my mom raised Katy and me in was super small. It was all she could afford. Katy and I shared a bedroom, while my mom slept on the couch. It had this tiny kitchen. In fact, if you opened the refrigerator door all the way, you’d hit the counter across from it. She would always yell, ‘Cole Michael, stop ramming that door into the counter.’ I did it so often, there was a huge gouge in the Formica.” I laugh as I lean forward, my elbows on my knees, and rub my head. I look over my shoulder at J. “I haven’t thought about that in years.”

 

“Why are you telling me this?” she asks.

 

I look back at her again. “You asked about my past. You wanted to know about the nightmares. You don’t want secrets between us? Neither do I. I was twelve and Katy had just turned ten when my mother married Stan. We were both so excited. I was finally going to have that dad I prayed for as a kid. The one I could throw a football with and he would come to all my games. Katy was excited because my mom stopped working two jobs. She would finally have time to be that PTA mom Katy dreamed of having. They could go and do all those girl things.”

 

My heart is beating so hard, I can physically feel it. I can hear the blood rushing in my ears. My mouth is dry and my breath is coming fast. I don’t know if J can hear my heart or just see I’m getting worked up, but she places her hand on my back and starts to rub small circles. It has a calming effect. I’m still scared shitless, but it helps me keep the control I need right now. I look out over the park where kids are running and playing. There are a few on the swings that Belle used to love so much.

 

“I was twelve when Stan raped me for the first time,” I say in a voice so quiet, the only indication she heard me was the stutter in the circle she’s rubbing on my back and the gasp that falls from her lips.

 

I look over my shoulder at her face. She has tears in her eyes. “Cole, I don’t know what to say. I’m—

 

“Please, don’t say you’re sorry. I’m not telling you this for sympathy. I’m telling you this so you know who I am. Why I am so protective, especially over Belle. Why I need to be. I was fifteen when I was big enough to stop Stan from raping me. I went through that shit for three years. I thought little boys were his thing. I thought I was protecting…” I take a deep breath. “When Stan stopped coming to my room, I thought he was done, but I was wrong. All I did was send a monster into my sister’s bed. I never knew it was happening. I kept checking on her, but she never told me. I was seventeen when I found her, gun in her hand, her brains scattered across our yard. She wasn’t strong enough to stop him, so she ended it the only way she knew how.”

 

“Oh god,” she gasps. “How… You…”

 

I lean back and put my hand on her thigh. She covers her mouth with her hand to hold her sobs in. I hate that this is affecting her so much, but I have to get the rest out. I look into her eyes and wipe a tear from her cheek with my thumb. “I have to get this out, J. I can’t stop now. Afterward, you can ask the questions I see swirling in those pretty eyes.” I put my hand back on her thigh and give it a squeeze. She drops her hand from her face and covers mine, interlocking our fingers.

 

“The day I found Katy, another piece of me broke. I called an ambulance. When Stan finally came home, I almost beat him to death. Later, I was told that the beating caused him to have a stroke. It left him slightly paralyzed on his left side. That’s why I spent time in prison. If I could have killed him that day, I would have. My mom had a choice to make when they arrested me. She could either believe what I told her about what happened to me and why Katy killed herself, or she could believe Stan’s lies. She chose Stan. Belle went to live with our aunt and life went on. The day you and I fought, when I left and didn’t have time to tell you why—”

 

“You don’t need to tell me where you went.”

 

“But I do. Belle called and said my mom called her, told her she had stuff of Katy’s that she wanted her to have. Belle called and told me where she was going. I wouldn’t let her go alone. She was already on the road, so I had to get there. I didn’t want her there alone. While we were there, Belle found child porn on Stan ’s laptop and called the police. He has been arrested, has a trial date, and they want me to testify.”

 

“You have to. He needs to pay for what he did.”

 

I smooth my hand down her leg to her knee, then back up. “Oh, I am, but I needed you to know about my past. I don’t know if it will be publicized or not, but I didn’t want you to find out from someone else. I’m not ashamed for what I did to Stan. I told you. If I could have killed him, I would have, but I don’t want you to look at me differently because of my past, the rape, not being able to save Katy.” I look down at our joined hands on her leg. I can’t look at her face. I’m so fucking scared of what I’ll find in her eyes.

 

After a few minutes of silence, she removes my hand from her leg. This is it. She’s made up her mind. My past is too much baggage. She gets up and stands in front of me, our knees almost touching.

 

“Look at me.” I look up into her red-rimmed eyes and see my pain reflecting back at me. “Cole, I would never walk away from you because of your past. It’s made you who you are. I’m sorry I blew it all out of proportion. I knew what I was doing was crazy, but I couldn’t stop myself from being angry. It was irrational, but that comes from my past. Together, we have a ton of baggage and a lot to work through, but I know I am in a better place when I’m with you. I love how protective you are. I have been a wreck lately. You just coming over and sitting with me calms me. My head is so messed up, Cole, but I am trying.”

 

I put my hands on her hips lightly, waiting for the flinch that doesn’t come. I tighten my hands on her. “I am so proud of how far you have come lately. Dr. Cooper said victims of violent crimes all heal at different rates and I shouldn’t push you.”

 

She steps back. “I’m sorry. Who?”

 

I stand. “Dr. Cooper, my therapist. I started seeing him after that fight we had. I couldn’t tell you what had happened to me, and when I realized I was about to lose you, I called Belle. She gave me his name. I hate every minute I am in his office, but when I come out, I feel like such a weight has been lifted from me. It’s hard as fuck to sit in a chair and talk about what’s going on in your head, but I don’t think I would be here with you right now without his help.”

 

“You have talked about me, about what I went through?” she asks, picking at the skin on her thumb.

 

I cover her hands so she won’t make herself bleed. When she’s nervous, she either plays with her hair or picks at her fingers. “He knows about you, yes. You are important to me. However, he doesn’t know what happened. I told him something happened, but it wasn’t my story to tell.”

 

She stands there looking at me, tears in her eyes. “I hate feeling like this. I feel like I’m in a dream I can’t wake up from. Every time I close my eyes, I’m in that shed again.” She drops her head and starts to cry.

 

Without thinking, I pull her to me and wrap my arms around her, putting my chin on her head. She pulls my t-shirt into her fist, letting out everything she has been holding in for weeks. She gasps and gulps for air between her sobs. When she finally starts to calm, I run my hands up and down her back.

 

“I hate to point this out, but I have been able to touch you the entire time we have been together and you haven’t flinched once.”

She pulls back and looks at me. I try to wipe away the wetness from her cheeks. “You have. I didn’t even think about it. I was so focused on you and what you needed, I never thought about it freaking me out.” She wraps her arms around my waist. “God, I’ve missed you holding me.”

 

“I missed it, too. You have no idea how much.” I put two fingers under her chin and tilt her head up to make sure she’s looking at me. “Do you think two completely fucked up people can make it work? Or is it just too much?”

 

“I think we can make it work. I want to make it work. I don’t like being without you, Cole. It hurts.”

 

“I know, baby. I don’t like being without you, either, but I don’t want to force you into anything. I told you before. I’m not going anywhere.” I slowly lean forward, giving her time to back away. “Can I kiss you?”

 

“Yes,” she says right before my lips meet hers. This moment, my arms wrapped around her, my lips on hers, feels like home. I pull away, remembering where we are and that there are children around.

 

“Let me take you home.”

 

She nods, leaving her arm wrapped around my waist as we walk back to the truck. It’s almost like now that she can touch me again without freaking herself out, she doesn’t want to stop. And that is fine with me.

 

As we hold hands in the truck on the way back to Darren’s house, she starts spinning a piece of hair. “What are you thinking about so hard over there?” I ask.

 

“Do you think… I mean… Do you want to… If you want…”

 

This is not the J I know. She is always so confident. “What are you trying to say, baby?”

 

“Can I stay at your house?” She says it so fast, it takes me a second to decipher what she actually said.

 

“You want to stay at my house? Baby, you can stay at my house anytime you want.” I see her continue to twirl that piece of hair. “We don’t have to do anything, but are you sure you are ready for that?”

 

“I have no idea, but I want to try. I don’t want to be away from you right now.”

 

“You can absolutely come home with me. There is nothing I would like more.” I pull her hand up and kiss the back of it. “Do you want to stop and grab anything?”

 

“No, I’m good. But there is something I need.”

 

“Anything.”

 

“Do you think I can get Belle’s number? I want to see if she can recommend a good therapist.”

 

I smile over at her as the light from the setting sun reflects off her gorgeous face. I kiss her hand again and squeeze her fingers before answering. “Yeah, baby. I can do that.”

 

The baggage we have may be more than what we can carry alone, but together, I think we can definitely handle whatever life has to throw at us.