“Well, you don’t have the flu,” Lexie says, scanning her eyes up and down my chart. “But you do appear to have high HCG levels, according to your blood work. Congrats!” Lexie puts her hand on my shoulder and passes me the folder I had her write up for me with my lab work, before leaving me alone with the news.
After my mystery virus wasn’t showing any signs of retreating, I came in early before my shift to get some fluids, see if that would make me feel better. I know I shouldn’t be working sick, but I don’t have a fever, and I’ve been feeling like this forever it seems.
Lexie agreed on doing my labs for me, as I asked her if she could do it discreetly. I can only imagine what she thinks of me now. As far as she knows, Ryan and I have no issues, but I’m clearly not jumping for joy.
I feel like I’m going to throw up… if there was anything left in me to throw up. I’m trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I’ve been having unprotected sex with my husband for the past ten years and have never been able to get pregnant. Why now? Why, of all times, did this have to happen now?
I’m slowly learning that that’s the thing about life, it hits you out of left field when you least expect it. Things you’ve wished, dreamed, prayed for, they don’t happen until you’re in a different state of mind and so not ready. One would think that I’d have learned that by now.
I don’t even know what Roman will think of this. I’m pretty sure he’s going to flip the fuck out. I left Ryan because my heart was screaming so loudly that I need to pursue whatever this is between us. As if it wasn’t complicated enough, this happens.
I never leave a shift early, ever, but today is important. I need to talk to Erin and figure this out. Typing out a quick text to let her know I need her, I straighten myself up and head to the nurses’ station. They’ll just have to understand that I can’t be here today.
Erin throws the door open as soon as I reach the landing of the porch. “What’s wrong?” She wraps her arms around me in the biggest best friend hug possible. If I trusted anyone with my life, it would be her.
“I fucked up. Big. Probably the biggest fuckup I’ve ever made, and you know how my life events have played out recently.”
Her eyebrows are thrown together, and she squints her eyes at me, accusingly. “What did you do?”
Slapping my hand over my eyes shields me from her stare and gives me the courage to just blurt it all out. “I’m pregnant.” She’s silent, and I can’t force myself to look at her.
“By Roman?”
“Seriously? Yes, by Roman. I haven’t been with Ryan since before I told him about everything. And I haven’t been with anyone else.”
“Okayyyy. Wow. Is this bad?”
“Yes, it’s bad! We don’t even live in the same state! I’m not even legally divorced! I don’t even know if he wants kids! Hell, up until an hour ago, I didn’t even think I could have kids! Things are just… amazing right now, and I don’t want to mess that up. What if he freaks out on me?”
“Like you are right now? Leylah, listen to me.” She hops up on the kitchen island and gives it to me straight. “Any dude would be lucky to have you. If a kid is a part of you, then he will want that too. If not, then he wasn’t the right guy for you anyway. And you will always have me. I will be your baby daddy in the event that such a thing is necessary.”
Hysterical laughter is the only emotion that comes out of me at her ridiculous lecture.
Erin makes her way over to the fridge and grabs a gallon of our favorite strawberry cheesecake ice cream and holds up two spoons. “Besides, you have nothing to worry about. Roman’s not that kind of guy anyhow.” She gives me a knowing look like I’m the dumbest person in existence for not already knowing this. “Can we pig out on ice cream and watch Bridesmaids now?”
“You know, this is why you’re my favorite ginger.”
Me: I need to see you.
Roman: Anytime, beautiful.
Me: Not too soon?
Roman: Never.
Me: Getting a ticket.
Roman: Cool, babe. Lookin forward to it.
As the wheels touch down on the runway, I feel my nerves bubbling up in my gut. I could throw up. I’m not sure if it’s the turbulence we just went through or my nerves. Maybe both. I’m puking 24/7 it feels like, thanks to Roman’s infant I’m growing.
After what feels like an eternity, the flight attendant finally announces for everyone to grab their overhead bags and exit the plane. Once I make it past the gate, I stuff my envelope into my back pocket, careful not to bend it too much.
Caught up in making sure I don’t mess it up, and keeping the contents of my bag from spilling everywhere, I don’t even realize he’s standing behind me until his tattooed arms are wrapped around me.
He presses his lips to my neck, his warm breath giving my arms chills, my flesh breaking out with goose bumps. “Hey, beautiful girl.”
I spin around, and everything goes right out the window. All the nerves, all the uneasy feelings I’ve been having about the baby, it all vanishes when he’s around. “Roman!” I squeal. I’m slightly embarrassed that he’s turned me into this mushy, teenage-squealer version of myself.
“Feelin’ any better?”
Oh shit. I was until you asked me that. “Yeah, I missed you. I needed to be here.”
He grabs my bags and hand like always and kisses my fingers, which are intertwined with his. “Well, let’s get a move on then. Got lots to make up for since you’ve been sick.”
“I’m pregnant,” I blurt out.
He doesn’t miss a beat. “What?”
My shorts are on the floor from our rendezvous when we first got here, envelope still in the pocket. I scurry over to them and pluck it out of the pocket with shaky fingers. I shove it at him, words failing me, heart in my throat.
Roman takes a swig of his beer and sets it down on the table. With his thumb, he flips the flap up on the envelope that holds the picture of our baby. “Babe? You’re really pregnant?”
I nod because it’s all I can manage.
He blows out a long sigh. “Come here.” He extends his arm and pulls me into him, leaning against the counter. “How did this happen? I mean, I thought you couldn’t get pregnant?” I briefly explained the situation about not having any kids in the heat of the moment when he asked if I was on the pill one of the first times we were together, but it never went any further than that.
“You’re seriously asking me how this happened?” Shamefully, I try to pull away, but he doesn’t let me.
“Babe, I’m just tryin’ to take it all in.”
“I don’t know.” This isn’t going well at all, and I feel like shit. I knew he wouldn’t want this. And now I’m here, in his kitchen, throwing it in his face.
It all happens so fast. One minute I’m in the middle of a breakdown, the next Roman’s carrying me down the hall, into the bathroom. He sets me down on my feet in the middle of the shower.
Water running and fully clothed, he steps in with me. He bends down to me, his forehead touching mine. “I love you, babe.” It’s barely a whisper over the water, but I hear it. I can’t even say it back, the rush of my heartbeat in my ears is too strong.
Roman pulls my soaking wet T-shirt up and over my head, throwing it into a heap onto the shower floor. Then my bra follows suit. He leaves my panties on, pushing me against the cold tile of the shower wall. His tattooed fingers brush across my stomach, his palm resting flat against the living, breathing life growing in my belly. “We’re really doing this?”
“I wasn’t sure how to handle this situation…. I… didn’t know how you would feel. FaceTime didn’t seem appropriate.” I look up at him through my wet hair and the water droplets steadily misting down my face. I’m thankful for that, thankful that the water hides some of my emotion.
He doesn’t say anything, just trails gentle kisses along my collarbone. He reaches over and squirts some soap on a rag and lathers me up all over. I step out of my panties, and he hands me the rag. When he ducks under the water to wash his hair, I finish washing off and do the same to him that he did to me, running the soapy rag over his torso, admiring his gorgeous artwork. I see this moment for exactly what it is. A cleanse to wash away my worries and destroy all my fear.
“I love you too.” I surprise myself by saying it, almost not even recognizing my own voice. I haven’t said that to anyone besides Ryan in a long time.
“I know.” He smiles. A full-on, cocky, pearly white smile. Roman doesn’t take his eyes off me as he reaches around behind him and turns the showerheads off. He walks around the tile wall and lays my towel over it, turning around to give me some privacy, I assume. I take advantage of the moment and gather my thoughts to pull myself together.
When I walk around the shower, Roman is standing there wrapped in his white towel, hair scruffy, beard dripping water droplets onto the floor. I can’t stop staring.
I wrap my towel around me and rush over to him. He hugs me hard, the type of hug you never want to let go of, the type that leaves you breathless.
“How far along are you?” he asks.
“Not very. I’m due in December.”
Roman nods. “We’ll make it work. Don’t worry that pretty little head so much.”
I roll my eyes. “If only I was like Roman Blackhart. So easygoing, without a care in the world.”
His face hardens, barely, but I catch it. “Got plenty of cares, babe.” He lets go of me and turns away. Something in his demeanor changed. I don’t like it.
“Hey, are you okay?”
He turns back to me and cocks an eyebrow. “Me? I’m good. You should get some rest. It’s been a long day for you.” I study him for a moment, looking for any sign of uncertainty. He schools it well if there is any, because I can’t find it.
“Okay. I just need to use the bathroom. I’ll be out in a minute.” And with that, he walks out of the bathroom and shuts the door behind him.
Conversation over.
For now.
I’m just finishing wrapping the box when Leylah walks out of the bathroom. It looks like shit because I wrapped it and have no skills there, but after the day she had, I figured I’d give it to her early. Figured she could use some cheerin’ up.
She looks beautiful in my T-shirt and untamed wet hair. She stops short at the end of the bed when she sees the box sitting on her pillow. “What is that?” she asks as she points nervously to where it sits, waiting for her.
I can’t stop grinning like an idiot, but I’m starting to feel stupid. I don’t even know if she’ll like it. Fuck, the woman got me feelin’ all kinds of nervous and shit. “Come here and find out.”
She crawls up on the bed, and I can smell my soap on her from the shower. It smells really fucking good on her hot little body. I pull her over on top of me and kiss her neck. Fuck it, the box can wait. She’s laughing, but I’m not. I’m turned on, and I just wanna be inside of her.
“Stop, you can’t not let me open it now!”
I reach over and hand her the box. She unwraps it and takes the lid off, staring at it.
“Roman, oh my God.”
“If you don’t like it, it’s okay—”
“No, Roman, I love it. It’s beautiful.”
I have an old friend who’s a nurse too. Asked her what’s something cool she’d like, to get an idea. I found a rose gold stethoscope with some girly crystal shit on it that looked like it was made just for my girl. She works her ass off at that hospital, and I knew she’d never spend anything like that on herself. If she’s not here with me, she’s there at the hospital, takin’ care of everybody else. Thought it fit her perfectly.
She puts it around her neck and slips the earpieces into her ears before placing it over my chest, listening to my heartbeat.
“Are you gonna be my dirty little nurse?” I ask. My question has her grinning and flushed all at the same time.
“Is that why you bought me these? So we could play doctor?”
She wipes the grin off her face and travels down my body, not moving her hand from the spot on my chest. When her other hand reaches the bulge in my shorts, I’m pretty sure I can hear my own heartbeat. Leylah looks up at me, and I swear I almost lose it right then and there. Fuck, she’s so hot. No female has ever made me feel this way. Never mind the fact that she’s gonna be the mom to my kid. Fuck, that makes her even hotter.
Getting out of my thoughts, I flip her over and show her the kind of patient I am. I’m rough and angry, but fuck me if she doesn’t like it. She’s lying on her stomach, and I’ve got her head pressed down on the bed, ramming her as hard as I can. My dirty girl matches me with each thrust, pushing that ass back at me. I feel her body start to shake, so I up my game and give her all I can. Between her screams and how good she feels around my cock, I come too.
We’re both spent, laid out like we just ran a marathon.
I could get used to this.