I’m dizzy and keep getting these blinding pains in my back. If I wasn’t already sitting, I would definitely have to. I pull over in the mall parking lot and take a few deep breaths. Shit, it hurts, and I’m not so sure I can make the drive to the hospital on my own with it being another forty-five minutes away. Shit, shit, shit.
Erin is supposed to be on baby duty, but she’s out on a date, and I don’t want to call her yet. I know how long labor can be. Some babies are stubborn. I don’t want to call off her date if this is going to take a while.
That leaves Ryan, and I feel like the biggest jackass calling him, but you gotta do what you gotta do. The line keeps ringing, but I let it go a few more times just in case, and by the grace of the phone gods, he answers.
“Hey,” he says, out of breath, “I was just coming out of the gym. Almost missed you.”
“Ryan, I’m sorry to call you, but I think I’m in labor, and I need your help. Erin’s out, and I could really use a ride.”
“What? Are you at home? I can be there in about fifteen minutes.”
“No, I was on the way home, and I started having pains. I got dizzy, so I pulled over at the mall. I’m at the main entrance facing Parker Road.”
“Even closer. I’ll be there in a few.”
It feels like a lifetime has passed when I see his truck turn down the entrance to the parking lot. I’m out of the car and walking toward him before he can even put it in park. He hops out and opens the passenger door for me. I don’t know if it’s because a human being is threatening to come out of me or if I’m just having an off day, but I’m hit with a huge wave of emotions that I don’t know what to do with.
“You okay? Come on, I got you.” I’m guessing he’s sensing my fragile state of mind by the look on my face. He’s being weirdly calm and sensible about this whole situation. “Which hospital?” He looks over at me, and I swear I just want to jump out on the interstate. This man used to be mine, and I ruined everything.
“Baylor. It’s far.”
He reaches over, grabs my hand, and kisses my knuckles. “I’ll get you there, you trust me?”
“I trust you.” It’s extremely intimate, and I force myself to look away before I completely lose it. It feels like we’ve been driving for hours, even though he keeps telling me we’re almost there. We’re ten minutes out, and I’m trying not to puke all over his truck.
“Where’s Roman?” The million-dollar question. I’m embarrassed to tell the truth, that I don’t know, that he’s a thousand miles away not giving a shit about me or his daughter. So, I say nothing, and I’m pretty sure that answers everything.
Thirteen hours. Thirteen long, scary, unmedicated hours. That’s how long it took me to bring my beautiful 6lb 7oz baby girl, Maddilyn, into this world. Through the hand squeezing, the crying, the attitude, and all, Ryan never once left my side. He pushed me through it when all I wanted to do was quit. Erin stood right there with him after we finally got ahold of her. The two of them took turns bearing the brunt of everything I threw at them.
The nurses got us moved and settled into my private recovery room, and Ryan’s still crashed on the pull-out couch. I decided to take advantage of the quiet when the nurses whisked Maddilyn away to the nursery to get cleaned up and chart all her vitals, and take a nap. Whatever they put in my IV is working nicely, and for a moment, I’m about to forget about the pain—the pain of the last twenty-four hours, the pain of the last year. All of it.
I close my eyes and drift off to sleep, but the feeling is only temporary. When I wake up, the pain comes rushing back. He’s not asleep on the couch anymore. He’s gone, and I’m completely alone.
The door slowly opens, and Erin pokes her head around the door. “Are you awake?” she whisper-yells in questioning.
I grin and nod.
Erin tiptoes over to the bed, and I scoot over so she can sit next to me. Her arms go around me. “I’m so sorry I left you alone last night. I’m pissed I let you talk me into leaving the house.”
I laugh. “Shut up. I should be pissed at you. I called Ryan.”
She groans.
“You know I’m kidding. You were on a date. You came straight after and I’ll love you forever for it. Thank you.”
“Leylah! Look at her!”
I was admiring my baby, all sprawled out on my lap when Erin came in. “I know, it’s so surreal. Touching her, smelling her. I waited so long, and it’s actually happening. It still feels like a dream.” We’re both leaned over Maddilyn like we’ve never seen a tiny human before. Erin’s inspecting each one of her toes, and we can’t stop grinning like idiots.
“So, Ryan. He brought you here?” She waggles her eyebrows.
I throw a hand over my face, embarrassed. “Yes! He saw everything. I’m still impressed with how mean I can get. I wanted to slap myself a few times. Things got dark in here long before you showed up. Murder dark.”
We share belly laughs that have my insides hurting, and then it gets quiet. I love that about her. We can sit and laugh, talk shit, but the silence—she gets me, gets when I need it and when I don’t.
“She’s beautiful. I’m so happy for you.”
I’m happy too. I just wish her daddy was here with us.