It’s been over a month since I left pieces of my heart in California on the middle of that hotel room floor. I couldn’t sleep, so I sat in the chair by the window till the sun came up. “This can’t be real,” I kept whispering to myself.
That morning was the worst. After we got up, I packed our bags and booked it to the airport, demanding a flight home as soon as possible.
As I lie in bed in the mornings, I can’t help but obsess over when everything took a wrong turn, how I could have prevented it. With Ryan and Roman. Time keeps moving by, and I’m still so sad. I can’t get out of this gray fog of darkness that’s swallowing me whole.
Maddilyn’s sweet little coos alert me that she’s awake, bringing me back to the present and out of my daydreams. She likes to talk and eat first thing in the morning. The longer I make her lie there before I get up, the louder she coos to get my attention, making me smile.
“Good morning, my love,” I say as I rub my nose against her cheek. “Are you hungry?” I slip my robe on one handed, and we saunter down the hall to the kitchen. My hair’s a mess in a pile on my head, and I have two-day old makeup on, but Maddy is the only one who will see me today, and she never judges her mama. Erin is long gone to work and won’t be home till late tonight. Another date after work, go figure. It’s just the two of us.
We’ve got our strawberry granola breakfast bar for me, bottle for her, and five seasons of Jax Teller to binge-watch. We’re golden.
I lay back in the recliner, feet out with Maddy propped up on my legs. Just when I think I found the perfect spot, my phone buzzes—all the way across the room.
Fuck.
I pop her bottle out of her mouth to grab my phone off the bar, and she starts to fuss. “Hang on, hang on,” I say to her in a singsong voice. I sit back down, trying to replicate how I was before. Another buzz from my phone sounds.
Ryan: Hey
Ryan: You busy?
I groan and slam my head back against the recliner.
Perfect.
Me: No. What’s up?
Ryan: Want to cash in that lunch rain check you owe me?
Me: Idk if that’s a good idea. Look how Christmas turned out.
Ryan: It’s been a long time since that happened. Forgot all about it. You should too.
Me: Right.
Ryan: Is that a yes?
Me: When?
Ryan: Today? Whenever you’re free.
Me: Can’t today. No sitter
Ryan: Why do you need one?
Me: Maddilyn…. Duh.
Ryan. Lol I know that. Bring her.
I don’t know why I’m standing in front of my bathroom mirror, spraying dry shampoo all over my hair. I always get a kick out of looking like Cruella Deville while I wait for it to dry. I have enough dignity left to wipe off my old makeup and apply a fresh face. I throw on some black shorts, a black bralette, and a gray tank top. Nothing fancy; I don’t want Ryan getting the wrong idea. What the right idea is? I have no clue.
I bathe Maddy in a quick sink bath and dress her in a gray and light pink onesie with a kitty on the front.
Sitting her in her car seat, I buckle her and set her down by the front door while I gather my stuff and pet Cloud. She knows I’m leaving, so she demands all my attention. I pick her up and fluff her hair around. “We’ll be back, okay?” Cloud meows in approval when I fill her treat bowl.
Ryan let me pick where we eat, ever the gentleman. I walk into Buca di Beppo’s and spot him immediately. He stands up from the booth and meets me halfway, offering to take the car seat out of my hands. The weight of the seat plus her weight is hell on my arms, so I don’t protest. “You can slide her all the way in the booth there. She’ll fit.” I motion to the seat across from the one he was previously sitting in. I thank him as I scoot in after her, picking up my menu.
“Thanks for coming, Ley.”
“Sure. I needed to get out of the house.” I peek over at Maddy. “We both did.”
His eyes wander over to her sleeping form, and he smirks. “How is she? Besides growing like a weed?”
I clear my throat. “She’s good. Finally sleeping more. Now that I’m not working as much, of course.”
“You taking it easy up there now, or what?”
“Yeah, just bad timing.” He nods in understanding. He doesn’t, but he goes with it. Our waiter takes our food order and lets us know it will be out shortly.
“What about you? You still going at it? Overseas much?”
“No, I quit.”
I choke on my water at his shocking confession. “What? When?”
“Thought you’d like that.” He chuckles. “January.”
“Wow, why?”
“Got a better offer here locally. Better benefits. Less work.” He shrugs. “Needed a change. Needed to get back to my old self. That’s mostly why I got back in the gym. Needed the motivation. Did some serious soul searching inside those walls.”
Interesting. I don’t even know what to say. I only wanted him to do that for me for years. Find something closer so we didn’t have to be apart so much. Raise a family. Grow old together. Now we’re… friends.
Maddilyn starts squirming, and it startles me. Why do babies always wake up at the most awkward times? I’m struggling to get her flailing little hands out of her buckles when Ryan interjects and stretches his hands out across the table. “Let me take her.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I’m sure,” he says with humor dancing on his lips. And there’s that smile that I loved so much all those years ago. God, what is wrong with me? He wrinkles his forehead in confusion. “The baby, Ley.”
“Oh, right.” I hold her out in front of me, like I’m holding Simba out for an offering, and slide her across the table on her butt. Her hands go out, searching for something to hold on to. Ryan holds the back of her neck with one hand, steadying her upright. She’s got a death grip on his other hand, trying to get it straight into her mouth.
“Hi,” he says in a gentle voice, so gentle it surprises me. “You’re a pretty girl, just like your mom.”
My eyes meet his when he says it, but I divert them back down at my drink, playing with my straw, anything to distract me from looking at him. She starts fussing again, and I offer to take her back. “Nah, I’m good,” he says. He turns her around to face me, leaning her back against his chest. “She’s right there, see, not going anywhere.” I know what he meant, but it feels like he means something else. Like he’s asking for more.